GRACE WRITES:
In the midst of all of this difficulty, one of the things Andrew and I look forward to is going on a short second honeymoon, Lord willing, just the two of us, once Andrew gets through treatment and is feeling better. We're not sure where to go though. So as we were thinking through our plans, it occurred to me to ask for suggestions. Let us know what you think! Send us an email or leave a comment on the blog with suggestions.
The most important thing is that it is sunny, near water and hiking, relaxing, and affordable.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
No More Death
GRACE WRITES:
When I see Andrew in so much pain, it makes me so grateful that the Lord has mercifully saved us. What hope we have! Even if the rest of our lives we're suffering, there is no more death, no more tears, no more sickness in heaven. Just rejoicing!
At the same time, I feel grateful, because it reminds me of what the Lord has saved us from. How much worse the suffering in hell will be! And yet, there is no medicine for the pain, no TV to distract, no naps as an escape.
In just a split-second there, the misery will be infinitely worse than a life-time of suffering on this earth.
Thank the Lord that we don't have to go there! I'm so grateful Christ has provided peace with God through His death on the cross.
I'm so thankful that I don't have to make excuses for my sin to alleviate the guilt. I can flee to the gospel! My sin is so ugly, and yet Christ says: "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." Thank You, Lord, thank you.
How desperately we believers need the gospel every day as every day we fail to meet His perfect standard. There is no one like the Lord, who continually accepts us, because of Jesus.
A.J.'s Dealings with Papa's Cancer
A.J. has had a hard time with this whole period of Andrew's treatments. He knows that something is wrong.
Andrew, A.J.'s best friend, has not been able to pick him up very much the past two months since his surgery, lest A.J. touch Andrew's delicate neck or inadvertently pull on his feeding tube. Not to mention, there's a constant changing of the guard in the grandma role. He must be wondering who else is going to change. Papa? Mama? Why are we often gone when he wakes up from his nap?
The other day, Andrew wasn't feeling well, so I was trying to help him. At the same time, I felt worried about the children, who were probably wondering why two grandmas were giving them a bath instead of Mama.
A few minutes later, I heard A.J. screaming from his room at the top of his lungs as if he was about to give birth to a baby in the bathroom. I looked at my watch. Ten minutes to his bedtime. Someone must have put him in his crib a few minutes early not realizing we have a bed time routine. A.J. probably panicked, especially because he loves the time he has with us when we put him down.
I picked up A.J. and brought him into our room. I said, "Do you want to help Mama comfort Papa?" I sat him down in my lap before Andrew's feet.
A.J. gently rubbed his hands over Papa's feet, trying to help me. He was so happy. He crawled from the foot of the bed up to Andrew and took his hand. Then, he turned towards me and held my hand. He smiled at Andrew: "Papa," he said. He beamed at me: "Mama." He looked back and forth between the two of us: "Papa. Mama. Papa. Mama."
A.J. embraced me. He turned towards Andrew and threw his arms around him.
A Visit to One Sicker Than Andrew
On Friday, I went with my aunt to visit her brother's friend, Tito Rudy, nearby who is in the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer.
His wife answered the door. She already knew about Andrew. Though she had never met me before, she took me into her arms, and said, "Oh, she's so young." Cancer has a way of stripping away all the superficial and unnecessary.
I looked into her face, surprised at what was going on in my mind. I was wondering how she was doing, how she could possibly be handling this, though shouldn't I of anyone know? But all the doctors had given up on her husband. I did not understand that.
Yet, her face seemed to reflect my own questions. She kept expressing concern about me. "Listen, she said. If there is anything we can do, I want you to know we want to help you," she said repeatedly throughout our visit.
She showed us to into Tito Rudy's room. Tito Rudy struggled to sit up in bed. He is a man in his sixties with white hair.
He had only met my aunt one other time, yet he hugged her and took both my hands when she introduced me.
Then, practically interrupting our introductions, he said to my aunt suddenly, "Manang Bing, will you pray for me?"
Aunty, though a little surprised, prayed. And then, while she was midway through saying "amen," she said, "Gracie, you can pray too."
I was a little caught off guard. I prayed the only things I could think of to pray, since I had just met him: the same things that I always request for Andrew. We had hardly been in their home a few minutes, yet tears rushed to my eyes as I prayed. I prayed for his physical pain relief, for the peace of Christ to comfort his heart, and praised the Lord that in eternity there is no more pain, no more tears, no more death, where we shall see our Savior face to face.
When I see Andrew in so much pain, it makes me so grateful that the Lord has mercifully saved us. What hope we have! Even if the rest of our lives we're suffering, there is no more death, no more tears, no more sickness in heaven. Just rejoicing!
At the same time, I feel grateful, because it reminds me of what the Lord has saved us from. How much worse the suffering in hell will be! And yet, there is no medicine for the pain, no TV to distract, no naps as an escape.
In just a split-second there, the misery will be infinitely worse than a life-time of suffering on this earth.
Thank the Lord that we don't have to go there! I'm so grateful Christ has provided peace with God through His death on the cross.
I'm so thankful that I don't have to make excuses for my sin to alleviate the guilt. I can flee to the gospel! My sin is so ugly, and yet Christ says: "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." Thank You, Lord, thank you.
How desperately we believers need the gospel every day as every day we fail to meet His perfect standard. There is no one like the Lord, who continually accepts us, because of Jesus.
A.J.'s Dealings with Papa's Cancer
A.J. has had a hard time with this whole period of Andrew's treatments. He knows that something is wrong.
Andrew, A.J.'s best friend, has not been able to pick him up very much the past two months since his surgery, lest A.J. touch Andrew's delicate neck or inadvertently pull on his feeding tube. Not to mention, there's a constant changing of the guard in the grandma role. He must be wondering who else is going to change. Papa? Mama? Why are we often gone when he wakes up from his nap?
The other day, Andrew wasn't feeling well, so I was trying to help him. At the same time, I felt worried about the children, who were probably wondering why two grandmas were giving them a bath instead of Mama.
A few minutes later, I heard A.J. screaming from his room at the top of his lungs as if he was about to give birth to a baby in the bathroom. I looked at my watch. Ten minutes to his bedtime. Someone must have put him in his crib a few minutes early not realizing we have a bed time routine. A.J. probably panicked, especially because he loves the time he has with us when we put him down.
I picked up A.J. and brought him into our room. I said, "Do you want to help Mama comfort Papa?" I sat him down in my lap before Andrew's feet.
A.J. gently rubbed his hands over Papa's feet, trying to help me. He was so happy. He crawled from the foot of the bed up to Andrew and took his hand. Then, he turned towards me and held my hand. He smiled at Andrew: "Papa," he said. He beamed at me: "Mama." He looked back and forth between the two of us: "Papa. Mama. Papa. Mama."
A.J. embraced me. He turned towards Andrew and threw his arms around him.
A Visit to One Sicker Than Andrew
On Friday, I went with my aunt to visit her brother's friend, Tito Rudy, nearby who is in the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer.
His wife answered the door. She already knew about Andrew. Though she had never met me before, she took me into her arms, and said, "Oh, she's so young." Cancer has a way of stripping away all the superficial and unnecessary.
I looked into her face, surprised at what was going on in my mind. I was wondering how she was doing, how she could possibly be handling this, though shouldn't I of anyone know? But all the doctors had given up on her husband. I did not understand that.
Yet, her face seemed to reflect my own questions. She kept expressing concern about me. "Listen, she said. If there is anything we can do, I want you to know we want to help you," she said repeatedly throughout our visit.
She showed us to into Tito Rudy's room. Tito Rudy struggled to sit up in bed. He is a man in his sixties with white hair.
He had only met my aunt one other time, yet he hugged her and took both my hands when she introduced me.
Then, practically interrupting our introductions, he said to my aunt suddenly, "Manang Bing, will you pray for me?"
Aunty, though a little surprised, prayed. And then, while she was midway through saying "amen," she said, "Gracie, you can pray too."
I was a little caught off guard. I prayed the only things I could think of to pray, since I had just met him: the same things that I always request for Andrew. We had hardly been in their home a few minutes, yet tears rushed to my eyes as I prayed. I prayed for his physical pain relief, for the peace of Christ to comfort his heart, and praised the Lord that in eternity there is no more pain, no more tears, no more death, where we shall see our Savior face to face.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Crushing
GRACE WRITES:
Since chemotherapy (and radiation) started two weeks ago, it has been pretty rough. So today I'll do the blogging for Andrew (This is Grace).
In the Radiation Room
Today, Andrew asked the radiation technologists if I could come in and watch them set Andrew up.
We entered a spacious, windowless room with gray walls, softly lit like a planetarium. At the center, Andrew sat down on the table. Behind him what looked like a giant microscope loomed. It was a very expensive-looking IMRT (the radiation) machine. Next, Andrew placed a white, mesh-looking, but stiff mask onto his face that is a mold of his exact face. This keeps him from moving his head even a centimeter during radiation, so that the radiation will hit the designated spots precisely.
They handed him a large, plastic thing that he bit onto to shield his upper mouth from the radiation. It used to prevent him from swallowing his saliva, tempting him to gag, but now that he has little saliva, that's not a problem anymore.
Andrew laid flat onto the table, and grasped the black, horizontal, jump-rope-looking things, which are connected to a bar by his feet, and he has to hold onto for the next fifteen minutes. This keeps him from lifting his shoulders towards his ears (and causes soreness between his shoulder blades).
From the right and left walls, red beams shined straight lines onto his face. The technicians adjusted Andrew's table up and down, right and left so that the red lines were aligned with the marker lines that were on the mask of Andrew's chin and cheeks. With the massive, round IMRT machine hovering behind his head, the red beams, and the white, mesh mask, Andrew looked like Star Trek aliens were experimenting on him.
Gratitude towards the radiation technologists waved over me. In the past, I knew, in theory, doctors could save people's lives. But after all this, I feel so incredibly thankful for people in the medical industry - and anyone related to it, like nice receptionists - and advanced technology. It's not distant, vague theory anymore. They save people's lives.
They played Andrew's Sovereign Grace CD for him. The first track sang "Favor on my life...always watching over me...Haven't you been good? Haven't you been so good to me?" It is good to meditate on such words in the midst of temptations to believe otherwise.
When the two technologists finished their set-up, the three of us left the room, leaving Andrew alone, stuck in his mask, arms pulled horizontal, staring up at the ceiling.
Enduring the Side-Effects
When he woke up Tuesday morning, Andrew took a bite of his pancake. Panic crossed over his eyes - "I can't taste it," he said. Sores are forming in his mouth, which are beginning to bleed. He can only taste bitterness when he eats. It is more and more painful, so he tries just to eat soft things and soups. The docs want him to still use his mouth to swallow as much as he is capable, because it helps prevent futher stiffening of the area.
Today, he said he can hardly eat now. Soon, Andrew will probably need to use the feeding tube to supplement his calories.
It's hard for me, because the feeding tube, which causes soreness around his abdomen, plus the occassional nausea he still experiences, bars me from being able to hug him.
It is difficult to see Andrew's face three different colors. Gray around the temples and eyes, burgundy around the jaw, and his normal color in-between. Must remind myself that it is because of the chemo, the poison, they gave him. This is not his own body shutting down. This is only temporary. Just six weeks of treatment and maybe four additional weeks of pain, a total of ten weeks before he should be feeling better. Two weeks down, eight more to go - yet how slowly this seems to be going.
"Even after my skin is destroyed, yet from my flesh I shall see God...My heart faints within me!" (Job 19:26,27). Oh, to be like Paul, who was "well content with weaknesses...with distresses...with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12).
Today Andrew said to me, "Grace, I really hate chemotherapy. I don't know if I can complete it." The chemo sessions are three weeks apart. So the next one is the 26th, a week from now. "I know," I said. "Let's just try to get through at least the next one."
I feel encouraged, though, because I see how the misery of my two diffiult pregnancies prepared me to be able to come alongside Andrew at this time. To be able to help him to cope with frustrations when even small goals like being able to blog or catch up on reading are too difficult for him. Or feeling so sick it's difficult to think on what's true.
I tried to encourage Andrew that the reason he has all this time is because he's ill. It's not free-time for catching up on things. Resting, getting enough calories despite all the pain, his list of things the doctors want him to do, and, most of all, coping with the side-effects is more than a full-time job. Though he's never been much a of a TV person, and would rather be accomplishing something, it may be all he's capable of doing to distract him from the pain. And despite how he hates naps, he needs to take them. Plus, he won't have to deal with his discomfort and frustrations when he's asleep.
What's even more encouraging about seeing how the Lord used difficult pregnancies to prepare me for this is that it is a reminder that all the more, He is using this physical difficulty in Andrew to prepare him for greater effectiveness and use for His glory. 2Cor. 1 gives great encouragement.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort [Greek: "paraclete" - one who comes alongside to help. Who in the midst of sufferings and troubles, strengthens and gives courage and boldness], who comforts us in all our affliction [crushing pressure. MacArthur says: "In Paul's ministry there was always something attempting to weaken him, restrict or confine his ministry, or even crush out his life] so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ" (2 Cor. 1:3-5).
What encouragement and purpose to our sufferings this gives us! We have the God of all comfort on our side to strengthen and help us. And the reason we undergo this is so we can be of use to others who will need comfort and encouragement.
Andrew and I always like to look at God's creation and the relationships he has created in order to give us a dim picture of who He is, especially when we struggle to see God for who He truly is, to grasp His benevolence. I think of how we love A.J. and Gracie so much, and how it would break our hearts to see them in pain and suffering. How much more tenderly our Loving Father looks upon us! How infinitely more the Lord is able to give comfort than we could ever give to our children.
How we continue to need your prayers at this time! It is always an encouragement and so reassuring to me when so many of you tell us that you are praying for us.
If you could please continue to pray:
1. ENCOURAGEMENT AND COMFORT. To think on what is true. To take one day at a time.
2. PAIN RELIEF.
3. COMPLETE HEALING.
4. That we would all love and know the Lord more deeply through this.
Since chemotherapy (and radiation) started two weeks ago, it has been pretty rough. So today I'll do the blogging for Andrew (This is Grace).
In the Radiation Room
Today, Andrew asked the radiation technologists if I could come in and watch them set Andrew up.
We entered a spacious, windowless room with gray walls, softly lit like a planetarium. At the center, Andrew sat down on the table. Behind him what looked like a giant microscope loomed. It was a very expensive-looking IMRT (the radiation) machine. Next, Andrew placed a white, mesh-looking, but stiff mask onto his face that is a mold of his exact face. This keeps him from moving his head even a centimeter during radiation, so that the radiation will hit the designated spots precisely.
They handed him a large, plastic thing that he bit onto to shield his upper mouth from the radiation. It used to prevent him from swallowing his saliva, tempting him to gag, but now that he has little saliva, that's not a problem anymore.
Andrew laid flat onto the table, and grasped the black, horizontal, jump-rope-looking things, which are connected to a bar by his feet, and he has to hold onto for the next fifteen minutes. This keeps him from lifting his shoulders towards his ears (and causes soreness between his shoulder blades).
From the right and left walls, red beams shined straight lines onto his face. The technicians adjusted Andrew's table up and down, right and left so that the red lines were aligned with the marker lines that were on the mask of Andrew's chin and cheeks. With the massive, round IMRT machine hovering behind his head, the red beams, and the white, mesh mask, Andrew looked like Star Trek aliens were experimenting on him.
Gratitude towards the radiation technologists waved over me. In the past, I knew, in theory, doctors could save people's lives. But after all this, I feel so incredibly thankful for people in the medical industry - and anyone related to it, like nice receptionists - and advanced technology. It's not distant, vague theory anymore. They save people's lives.
They played Andrew's Sovereign Grace CD for him. The first track sang "Favor on my life...always watching over me...Haven't you been good? Haven't you been so good to me?" It is good to meditate on such words in the midst of temptations to believe otherwise.
When the two technologists finished their set-up, the three of us left the room, leaving Andrew alone, stuck in his mask, arms pulled horizontal, staring up at the ceiling.
Enduring the Side-Effects
When he woke up Tuesday morning, Andrew took a bite of his pancake. Panic crossed over his eyes - "I can't taste it," he said. Sores are forming in his mouth, which are beginning to bleed. He can only taste bitterness when he eats. It is more and more painful, so he tries just to eat soft things and soups. The docs want him to still use his mouth to swallow as much as he is capable, because it helps prevent futher stiffening of the area.
Today, he said he can hardly eat now. Soon, Andrew will probably need to use the feeding tube to supplement his calories.
It's hard for me, because the feeding tube, which causes soreness around his abdomen, plus the occassional nausea he still experiences, bars me from being able to hug him.
It is difficult to see Andrew's face three different colors. Gray around the temples and eyes, burgundy around the jaw, and his normal color in-between. Must remind myself that it is because of the chemo, the poison, they gave him. This is not his own body shutting down. This is only temporary. Just six weeks of treatment and maybe four additional weeks of pain, a total of ten weeks before he should be feeling better. Two weeks down, eight more to go - yet how slowly this seems to be going.
"Even after my skin is destroyed, yet from my flesh I shall see God...My heart faints within me!" (Job 19:26,27). Oh, to be like Paul, who was "well content with weaknesses...with distresses...with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12).
Today Andrew said to me, "Grace, I really hate chemotherapy. I don't know if I can complete it." The chemo sessions are three weeks apart. So the next one is the 26th, a week from now. "I know," I said. "Let's just try to get through at least the next one."
I feel encouraged, though, because I see how the misery of my two diffiult pregnancies prepared me to be able to come alongside Andrew at this time. To be able to help him to cope with frustrations when even small goals like being able to blog or catch up on reading are too difficult for him. Or feeling so sick it's difficult to think on what's true.
I tried to encourage Andrew that the reason he has all this time is because he's ill. It's not free-time for catching up on things. Resting, getting enough calories despite all the pain, his list of things the doctors want him to do, and, most of all, coping with the side-effects is more than a full-time job. Though he's never been much a of a TV person, and would rather be accomplishing something, it may be all he's capable of doing to distract him from the pain. And despite how he hates naps, he needs to take them. Plus, he won't have to deal with his discomfort and frustrations when he's asleep.
What's even more encouraging about seeing how the Lord used difficult pregnancies to prepare me for this is that it is a reminder that all the more, He is using this physical difficulty in Andrew to prepare him for greater effectiveness and use for His glory. 2Cor. 1 gives great encouragement.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort [Greek: "paraclete" - one who comes alongside to help. Who in the midst of sufferings and troubles, strengthens and gives courage and boldness], who comforts us in all our affliction [crushing pressure. MacArthur says: "In Paul's ministry there was always something attempting to weaken him, restrict or confine his ministry, or even crush out his life] so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ" (2 Cor. 1:3-5).
What encouragement and purpose to our sufferings this gives us! We have the God of all comfort on our side to strengthen and help us. And the reason we undergo this is so we can be of use to others who will need comfort and encouragement.
Andrew and I always like to look at God's creation and the relationships he has created in order to give us a dim picture of who He is, especially when we struggle to see God for who He truly is, to grasp His benevolence. I think of how we love A.J. and Gracie so much, and how it would break our hearts to see them in pain and suffering. How much more tenderly our Loving Father looks upon us! How infinitely more the Lord is able to give comfort than we could ever give to our children.
How we continue to need your prayers at this time! It is always an encouragement and so reassuring to me when so many of you tell us that you are praying for us.
If you could please continue to pray:
1. ENCOURAGEMENT AND COMFORT. To think on what is true. To take one day at a time.
2. PAIN RELIEF.
3. COMPLETE HEALING.
4. That we would all love and know the Lord more deeply through this.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Solid Logic
ANDREW WRITES:
The past week has been a tough one both physically and mentally, but by God's grace I'm still here. Now that I can think clearly and my eyes can focus again, I'm going to write a blog about whats been going on spiritually and mentally.
During the past week and a half the nausea and tiredness of the chemotherapy, the soreness of the radiation and pain from the insertion of my Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy (PEG) tube really took a toll on me mentally. I was in despair because this was just the first week of about 8 weeks, and I was already having a hard time! In all of my despair, my wife really just cared for me and helped redirect my thoughts towards the Truth, and that made all the difference.
After listening to one of John Piper's sermons on Romans 8:31-32 I was reminded of God's awesome love for me. Piper simply called this "The Solid Logic of Heaven".
Romans 8:31-32
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
It is an argument from the greater to the lesser. If the greater task is accomplished, then surely the lesser is as well. The greater task was for God to demostrate His love for me by willingly giving His beloved son to be tortured, mocked, spit on, flogged, abandoned, betrayed, and nailed to a cross by the very beings He created so that my sins might be forgiven. The easier task is for Him love me and to do good to me. That is a fulfillment of Ps. 84:11 No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
A few verses later Romans 8:35 says
Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Even in the midst of my darkest hours I know that the Lord loves me, and that this pain is for good. Nothing is as sweet as the nearness of God in our sufferings.
Here is a quote from John Flavel, a Puritan, from 350 years ago:
"He spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all; how shall he not with him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32). How is it imaginable that God should withhold, after this, spirituals or temporals, from his people? How shall he not call them effectually, justify them freely, sanctify them thoroughly, and glorify them eternally? How shall he not clothe them, feed them, protect and deliver them? Surely if he would not spare this own Son one stroke, one tear, one groan, one sigh, one circumstance of misery, it can never be imagined that ever he should, after this, deny or withhold from his people, for whose sakes all this was suffered, any mercies, any comforts, any privilege, spiritual or temporal, which is good for them."
A PEG Tube:
The blue balloon on the right goes into the stomach and holds it in place. A little to the left of the balloon is a stopper that holds the tube in place against the outside of my abdomen, and the valves on the left of the picture are for injecting tube feeding solutions.
The past week has been a tough one both physically and mentally, but by God's grace I'm still here. Now that I can think clearly and my eyes can focus again, I'm going to write a blog about whats been going on spiritually and mentally.
During the past week and a half the nausea and tiredness of the chemotherapy, the soreness of the radiation and pain from the insertion of my Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy (PEG) tube really took a toll on me mentally. I was in despair because this was just the first week of about 8 weeks, and I was already having a hard time! In all of my despair, my wife really just cared for me and helped redirect my thoughts towards the Truth, and that made all the difference.
After listening to one of John Piper's sermons on Romans 8:31-32 I was reminded of God's awesome love for me. Piper simply called this "The Solid Logic of Heaven".
Romans 8:31-32
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
It is an argument from the greater to the lesser. If the greater task is accomplished, then surely the lesser is as well. The greater task was for God to demostrate His love for me by willingly giving His beloved son to be tortured, mocked, spit on, flogged, abandoned, betrayed, and nailed to a cross by the very beings He created so that my sins might be forgiven. The easier task is for Him love me and to do good to me. That is a fulfillment of Ps. 84:11 No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
A few verses later Romans 8:35 says
Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Even in the midst of my darkest hours I know that the Lord loves me, and that this pain is for good. Nothing is as sweet as the nearness of God in our sufferings.
Here is a quote from John Flavel, a Puritan, from 350 years ago:
"He spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all; how shall he not with him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32). How is it imaginable that God should withhold, after this, spirituals or temporals, from his people? How shall he not call them effectually, justify them freely, sanctify them thoroughly, and glorify them eternally? How shall he not clothe them, feed them, protect and deliver them? Surely if he would not spare this own Son one stroke, one tear, one groan, one sigh, one circumstance of misery, it can never be imagined that ever he should, after this, deny or withhold from his people, for whose sakes all this was suffered, any mercies, any comforts, any privilege, spiritual or temporal, which is good for them."
A PEG Tube:
The blue balloon on the right goes into the stomach and holds it in place. A little to the left of the balloon is a stopper that holds the tube in place against the outside of my abdomen, and the valves on the left of the picture are for injecting tube feeding solutions.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I'm still here....
Sorry for leaving you all in suspense after the last blog entry. Chemo messed me up for quite a while. My head still feels like it is in the clouds so this will be a short update. The worst of the the nausea is done with. Last night I had a good meal and that really helped settle my stomach. I really didn't enjoy the chemo. I can't imagine what it was like to take Cisplatin before all the fancy anti-nausea drugs came out...
As for radiation, my mouth is beginning to get sore and my swallowing function is getting stiffer. This causes me to gag a little bit when I swallow fluids, but for the most part I can still eat just fine.
Anyhow, this week I have lots of follow up appointments with my doctors. I'm also having a feeding tube put in on Friday, which I'm not looking forward to.
Please pray:
1) That I would find joy in the Lord at all times. During these difficult times the hardest part of the battle is in the mind.
2) That the radiation and chemo would be successful in killing any cancer left in me
3) That I would be able to make it through the treatments
4) That the side effects would not be that hard on my body
As for radiation, my mouth is beginning to get sore and my swallowing function is getting stiffer. This causes me to gag a little bit when I swallow fluids, but for the most part I can still eat just fine.
Anyhow, this week I have lots of follow up appointments with my doctors. I'm also having a feeding tube put in on Friday, which I'm not looking forward to.
Please pray:
1) That I would find joy in the Lord at all times. During these difficult times the hardest part of the battle is in the mind.
2) That the radiation and chemo would be successful in killing any cancer left in me
3) That I would be able to make it through the treatments
4) That the side effects would not be that hard on my body
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Chemo Radio Day 1
Today was the first day of chemotherapy and radiation.
We got to the hospital around 9AM and they started an IV of fluids to hydrate me. After about an hour of fluids I got an hour of nausea medication and steriods. The chemo drug I'm taking, Cisplatin, is a platinum based chemotherapy drug that has been around for about 30 years. As it is an older chemo drug, it is notorious for nausea and being hard on the kidneys, so they really want to make sure I have enough fluids when I get the medicine. Finally, I got about two hours of Cisplatin, 170mg in total.
Grace and I had a great time watching the movie Napoleon Dynamite during my treatment. I don't think I've laughed that much in a while. In fact, the other people who were in the room with us were citing the lines by memory and laughing with us. Man, that's a funny movie!
Between watching the movie and talking to Grace, the nurse, and other patients, the time kind of flew by. We met a really nice 35 year-old man named Stuart who has a brain tumor and already finished his radiation treatment. It sounds like a very aggressive cancer, and another tumor returned within a month after surgery. I hope his treatment works!
After about 5.5 hours in the chemo room Grace and I went for a short walk around the block and then downstairs for my radiation treatment, which took about 30 minutes.
At first I didn't feel much of anything other than real tired. As I'm writing this blog I'm feeling so exhausted, and I can't hardly stand up anymore. My body feels drained, but the steriods are making me jittery. So it's a new feeling, and I don't really know how to handle it. Thankfully, I'm not nauseous right now, and I was able to eat and drink a lot today. They say the nausea won't kick in until day 2, and probably will be the worst on day 3. As for radiation, I don't feel much from that yet. They say next week I'll schedule an appointment to have my feeding tube put in.
Prayers
1) Praise the Lord that the day went smoothly with no complications with any of the drugs.
2) Praise the Lord that the chemo treatment was an enjoyable time.
3) Praise the Lord that so far I'm not sick.
4) Please pray that my body will be able to handle the treatments and that I won't get too sick or sore.
5) Please pray that I will be healed completely of cancer through this treatment.
We got to the hospital around 9AM and they started an IV of fluids to hydrate me. After about an hour of fluids I got an hour of nausea medication and steriods. The chemo drug I'm taking, Cisplatin, is a platinum based chemotherapy drug that has been around for about 30 years. As it is an older chemo drug, it is notorious for nausea and being hard on the kidneys, so they really want to make sure I have enough fluids when I get the medicine. Finally, I got about two hours of Cisplatin, 170mg in total.
Grace and I had a great time watching the movie Napoleon Dynamite during my treatment. I don't think I've laughed that much in a while. In fact, the other people who were in the room with us were citing the lines by memory and laughing with us. Man, that's a funny movie!
Between watching the movie and talking to Grace, the nurse, and other patients, the time kind of flew by. We met a really nice 35 year-old man named Stuart who has a brain tumor and already finished his radiation treatment. It sounds like a very aggressive cancer, and another tumor returned within a month after surgery. I hope his treatment works!
After about 5.5 hours in the chemo room Grace and I went for a short walk around the block and then downstairs for my radiation treatment, which took about 30 minutes.
At first I didn't feel much of anything other than real tired. As I'm writing this blog I'm feeling so exhausted, and I can't hardly stand up anymore. My body feels drained, but the steriods are making me jittery. So it's a new feeling, and I don't really know how to handle it. Thankfully, I'm not nauseous right now, and I was able to eat and drink a lot today. They say the nausea won't kick in until day 2, and probably will be the worst on day 3. As for radiation, I don't feel much from that yet. They say next week I'll schedule an appointment to have my feeding tube put in.
Prayers
1) Praise the Lord that the day went smoothly with no complications with any of the drugs.
2) Praise the Lord that the chemo treatment was an enjoyable time.
3) Praise the Lord that so far I'm not sick.
4) Please pray that my body will be able to handle the treatments and that I won't get too sick or sore.
5) Please pray that I will be healed completely of cancer through this treatment.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
All of Grace
Today is our daughter, Gracie's, birthday.
A year ago Grace and I were pretty sure we were going to name our new baby Madeleine. Then it happened. The bathroom birth.
Little Gracie's first thoughts were probably, "Ahhh, that was easier than I was expecting."
In the hospital room when Grace and I finally had a chance to reflect on all the craziness of the bathroom delivery, we were so incredibly thankful for the Lord's mercy upon our family. Praise God that my precious wife was okay and that our baby was born with no complications. So many things could have gone wrong that morning, but by God's grace things worked out perfectly.
Grace and the baby did just fine that morning. In fact, the doctors thought that the baby was exceptionally healthy. So we started to sing this song called All of Grace, and that's when we decided that her name had to be a reminder of God's abundant grace. Her middle name, Olivia, comes from the word, "olive," which is a symbol of abundance. Also, since Grace was named after her mom, we decided to continue the tradition and name our daughter Grace as well with a nickname of Gracie.
I remember cuddling with Gracie the evening after she was born and telling a handful of visitors that I couldn't imagine actually being able to love another child as much as I love AJ. She was such a little bundle of joy, and I was so thankful to be able to hold her tiny body in my arms. Gracie and I bonded that night.
Here's a video of her birthday party. After Gracie blew out her candle I looked around the room and saw everybody's smiles. I was reminded of how each of our friends and family members have shared in our laughter and our tears this past year, and how God used each of them uniquely to bless us. Praise the Lord for His faithfulness and His abundant mercy!
A year ago Grace and I were pretty sure we were going to name our new baby Madeleine. Then it happened. The bathroom birth.
Little Gracie's first thoughts were probably, "Ahhh, that was easier than I was expecting."
In the hospital room when Grace and I finally had a chance to reflect on all the craziness of the bathroom delivery, we were so incredibly thankful for the Lord's mercy upon our family. Praise God that my precious wife was okay and that our baby was born with no complications. So many things could have gone wrong that morning, but by God's grace things worked out perfectly.
Grace and the baby did just fine that morning. In fact, the doctors thought that the baby was exceptionally healthy. So we started to sing this song called All of Grace, and that's when we decided that her name had to be a reminder of God's abundant grace. Her middle name, Olivia, comes from the word, "olive," which is a symbol of abundance. Also, since Grace was named after her mom, we decided to continue the tradition and name our daughter Grace as well with a nickname of Gracie.
I remember cuddling with Gracie the evening after she was born and telling a handful of visitors that I couldn't imagine actually being able to love another child as much as I love AJ. She was such a little bundle of joy, and I was so thankful to be able to hold her tiny body in my arms. Gracie and I bonded that night.
Here's a video of her birthday party. After Gracie blew out her candle I looked around the room and saw everybody's smiles. I was reminded of how each of our friends and family members have shared in our laughter and our tears this past year, and how God used each of them uniquely to bless us. Praise the Lord for His faithfulness and His abundant mercy!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Dr. Little and Dr. Jiang
ANDREW WRITES:
I plan to start Radiation and Chemotherapy on the same day - either April 2 or April 9th. They'll finalize the date this week.
Dr. Little - Radiation Oncologist
So after much answered prayer we concluded that Dr. Little at the Flynn Cancer Center in Everett would be the best choice for my radiation treatment over Dr. Takamiya at the Swedish Cancer Institute and Dr. Wisbeck at the Flynn Cancer Center. For those who are interested in knowing our reasons...here goes.
We were first referred to Dr. Wisbeck by my surgeon, as they have worked together for many years. I really liked Dr. Wisbeck when I met him and he seemed to have a lot of experience to back up his title as Director of the Flynn Cancer Center. When I went to see Dr. Takamiya at the Swedish Cancer Institute he told us that if we wanted to be treated at the Flynn Cancer Center we should go see Dr. Little instead since they went to school together at UCSF and trained on the new Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy (IMRT) machines, which have become the standard for head and neck cancer over the past 5 years. So I went back and politely asked Dr. Wisbeck if he has had enough experience using the new technology to treat me properly. To my surprise he told me that he has Dr. Little look over all his treatment plans for IMRT, and that if I wanted to switch and be treated by Dr. Little he wouldn't be offended at all. So we were able to get a short notice appointment with Dr. Little and he assured us that he and Dr. Wisbeck will both look at my treatment plans. So we decided to be treated by the younger doctor who knows new technology, with older doctor looking over his shoulder. By the way, we had two other opinions from Radiation Oncologists in Seattle, be chose not to be treated by them because it would be too far to drive every weekday for six weeks.
Dr. Jiang - Medical Oncologist
Dr. Wisbeck referred us to Dr. Jiang for my chemotherapy treatment. This decision was an easy one and we didn't feel like we needed multiple opinions for this since it is simply a drug administered by IV at the hospital. The chemotherapy treatment plan will for the most part be indentical to a clinical trial done in Europe in the late 1990's. Even if I had a more complex treatment plan or needed experimental drugs I would definately still go to Dr. Jiang. He's a very nice guy, but more than that he is the biggest nerd in all of Everett.
I plan to start Radiation and Chemotherapy on the same day - either April 2 or April 9th. They'll finalize the date this week.
Dr. Little - Radiation Oncologist
So after much answered prayer we concluded that Dr. Little at the Flynn Cancer Center in Everett would be the best choice for my radiation treatment over Dr. Takamiya at the Swedish Cancer Institute and Dr. Wisbeck at the Flynn Cancer Center. For those who are interested in knowing our reasons...here goes.
We were first referred to Dr. Wisbeck by my surgeon, as they have worked together for many years. I really liked Dr. Wisbeck when I met him and he seemed to have a lot of experience to back up his title as Director of the Flynn Cancer Center. When I went to see Dr. Takamiya at the Swedish Cancer Institute he told us that if we wanted to be treated at the Flynn Cancer Center we should go see Dr. Little instead since they went to school together at UCSF and trained on the new Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy (IMRT) machines, which have become the standard for head and neck cancer over the past 5 years. So I went back and politely asked Dr. Wisbeck if he has had enough experience using the new technology to treat me properly. To my surprise he told me that he has Dr. Little look over all his treatment plans for IMRT, and that if I wanted to switch and be treated by Dr. Little he wouldn't be offended at all. So we were able to get a short notice appointment with Dr. Little and he assured us that he and Dr. Wisbeck will both look at my treatment plans. So we decided to be treated by the younger doctor who knows new technology, with older doctor looking over his shoulder. By the way, we had two other opinions from Radiation Oncologists in Seattle, be chose not to be treated by them because it would be too far to drive every weekday for six weeks.
Dr. Jiang - Medical Oncologist
Dr. Wisbeck referred us to Dr. Jiang for my chemotherapy treatment. This decision was an easy one and we didn't feel like we needed multiple opinions for this since it is simply a drug administered by IV at the hospital. The chemotherapy treatment plan will for the most part be indentical to a clinical trial done in Europe in the late 1990's. Even if I had a more complex treatment plan or needed experimental drugs I would definately still go to Dr. Jiang. He's a very nice guy, but more than that he is the biggest nerd in all of Everett.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Famous Quotes of the Week
ANDREW WRITES:
Dr. Wisbeck’s Consultation meeting
Nurse: “Andrew, have you ever been exposed to toxins growing up?”
Grace: “Well, he grew up in New Jersey, and we lived in Los Angeles.
Nurse: “I meant for example my cousin used to chase the fertilizer sprayers and now he has all sorts of cancer”
Dr. Barnett’s Consultation meeting
Dr. Barnett: “You’ll probably need a gastric feeding tube to keep your calories up. Its not like you’re a tub of la—I mean, its not like you weigh 350 pounds and you can afford to not eat for a couple of months.”
The kitchen table
Andrew: “AJ, it’s a train with people on it. Do you see all the people?
AJ: “Yea, da poopoo, da poopoo! “
The kitchen table
Grace: “AJ, please pick up you food off the floor and put it in the trash..No-No! don't eat it! “
The bathtub
Grace: “Oh no! AJ’s peeing on Gracie!”
The past week has been a busy one as we have been trying to decide where to have radiation treatment, and whether or not to do chemotherapy at the same time. For those who have not been up to date on my situation, the post-surgical analysis of my tumor showed that the tumor invaded the deep muscle tissue of the tongue as well as a single lymph node. This would make it a T4, N1, M0 tumor, which is categorized as a stage 4a cancer. According to my doctors people with stage 4 disease are at a higher risk for recurrence even with negative surgical margins. With this information my doctors are recommending radiation therapy as the primary way of treating any additional cancer on the molecular level that may be in my body. They are also recommending Chemotherapy as it is often used in more advanced cancer cases such as mine since it enhances the radiation’s ability to kill cells that divide. Grace and I decided that we'll do whatever treatment it takes to increase my chances of survival now, even if the short and long term side effects are worse.
The decision to do radiation and chemotherapy became pretty clear when Dr. Takamiya showed me an article from the New England Journal of Medicine that shows significant improvement in the survival rates of patients who use a combined chemoradiotherapy treatment over patients who use radiation therapy alone. For post-surgical treatment of stage 3 and stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma of the head and neck the overall survival rates increase from 40% to 53% with a combined chemoradiotherapy. I was advised to take these statistics with a grain of salt since my cancer case may be less severe than many of the cases in the trial and that most of the patients were between 50-70 years old. The downside to combined chemoradiotherapy is a significant increase in short term discomfort and side effects. Only 49% of the patients in the study were able to complete the chemotherapy treatment. So pray that I will be able to complete it.
Thanks
1) It was such a blessing to see Erik today. He is capable of walking with a walker and able to eat a little. His voice sounds pretty good too! He’s a walking talking bubble of encouragement and answered prayer. God really is not bound by chances and statistics. Erik survived childhood Leukemia and a couple relapses, and he survived this infection and coma and he’s recovering faster than his doctors expected! Oh, how the Lord is faithful to those He chooses.
2) Praise the Lord for providing 5 opinions from radiation oncologists that all basically agree.
3) Praise the Lord for providing all those appointments in a short time frame so I can stay on track to begin treatment in a week or two.
4) Praise the Lord for making it clear that I should do chemotherapy.
5) Praise the Lord for lots of moments of laughter this week that got our minds off the tough decisions.
6) Praise the Lord for helping our family get over a nasty cold bug. I had the fewest symptoms out of everybody and they went away in a day or two. Praise the Lord for allowing me to stay healthy to make it to all my doctor’s appointments this week.
7) Praise the Lord for allowing me to start working again last Friday, and that my bosses and co-workers are so flexible and understanding. One person said this, “You make sure you have the time to make the right medical decisions. If you can’t finish the work its okay. Nothings more important than you getting healthy again.”
Please Pray
1) That we will make the right final decision on radiation oncologists. Its between Dr. Little and Dr. Wisbeck at the Flynn Cancer Center in Everett.
2) That we would be able to choose the right oncologist to do my chemotherapy treatment.
3) That the insurance will cover my radiation and chemotherapy. Right now my insurance company says that they will cover certain doctors, but not others in the same clinic. In fact, the Medical Oncologist clinic says they cancelled the contract with my insurance company when my insurance company says they're still contracted! There seems to be a mix up with the contracts between my treatment centers and my insurance company.
4) Pray that Erik will be encouraged and that his kidneys will work completely so he can get off dialysis.
Dr. Wisbeck’s Consultation meeting
Nurse: “Andrew, have you ever been exposed to toxins growing up?”
Grace: “Well, he grew up in New Jersey, and we lived in Los Angeles.
Nurse: “I meant for example my cousin used to chase the fertilizer sprayers and now he has all sorts of cancer”
Dr. Barnett’s Consultation meeting
Dr. Barnett: “You’ll probably need a gastric feeding tube to keep your calories up. Its not like you’re a tub of la—I mean, its not like you weigh 350 pounds and you can afford to not eat for a couple of months.”
The kitchen table
Andrew: “AJ, it’s a train with people on it. Do you see all the people?
AJ: “Yea, da poopoo, da poopoo! “
The kitchen table
Grace: “AJ, please pick up you food off the floor and put it in the trash..No-No! don't eat it! “
The bathtub
Grace: “Oh no! AJ’s peeing on Gracie!”
The past week has been a busy one as we have been trying to decide where to have radiation treatment, and whether or not to do chemotherapy at the same time. For those who have not been up to date on my situation, the post-surgical analysis of my tumor showed that the tumor invaded the deep muscle tissue of the tongue as well as a single lymph node. This would make it a T4, N1, M0 tumor, which is categorized as a stage 4a cancer. According to my doctors people with stage 4 disease are at a higher risk for recurrence even with negative surgical margins. With this information my doctors are recommending radiation therapy as the primary way of treating any additional cancer on the molecular level that may be in my body. They are also recommending Chemotherapy as it is often used in more advanced cancer cases such as mine since it enhances the radiation’s ability to kill cells that divide. Grace and I decided that we'll do whatever treatment it takes to increase my chances of survival now, even if the short and long term side effects are worse.
The decision to do radiation and chemotherapy became pretty clear when Dr. Takamiya showed me an article from the New England Journal of Medicine that shows significant improvement in the survival rates of patients who use a combined chemoradiotherapy treatment over patients who use radiation therapy alone. For post-surgical treatment of stage 3 and stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma of the head and neck the overall survival rates increase from 40% to 53% with a combined chemoradiotherapy. I was advised to take these statistics with a grain of salt since my cancer case may be less severe than many of the cases in the trial and that most of the patients were between 50-70 years old. The downside to combined chemoradiotherapy is a significant increase in short term discomfort and side effects. Only 49% of the patients in the study were able to complete the chemotherapy treatment. So pray that I will be able to complete it.
Thanks
1) It was such a blessing to see Erik today. He is capable of walking with a walker and able to eat a little. His voice sounds pretty good too! He’s a walking talking bubble of encouragement and answered prayer. God really is not bound by chances and statistics. Erik survived childhood Leukemia and a couple relapses, and he survived this infection and coma and he’s recovering faster than his doctors expected! Oh, how the Lord is faithful to those He chooses.
2) Praise the Lord for providing 5 opinions from radiation oncologists that all basically agree.
3) Praise the Lord for providing all those appointments in a short time frame so I can stay on track to begin treatment in a week or two.
4) Praise the Lord for making it clear that I should do chemotherapy.
5) Praise the Lord for lots of moments of laughter this week that got our minds off the tough decisions.
6) Praise the Lord for helping our family get over a nasty cold bug. I had the fewest symptoms out of everybody and they went away in a day or two. Praise the Lord for allowing me to stay healthy to make it to all my doctor’s appointments this week.
7) Praise the Lord for allowing me to start working again last Friday, and that my bosses and co-workers are so flexible and understanding. One person said this, “You make sure you have the time to make the right medical decisions. If you can’t finish the work its okay. Nothings more important than you getting healthy again.”
Please Pray
1) That we will make the right final decision on radiation oncologists. Its between Dr. Little and Dr. Wisbeck at the Flynn Cancer Center in Everett.
2) That we would be able to choose the right oncologist to do my chemotherapy treatment.
3) That the insurance will cover my radiation and chemotherapy. Right now my insurance company says that they will cover certain doctors, but not others in the same clinic. In fact, the Medical Oncologist clinic says they cancelled the contract with my insurance company when my insurance company says they're still contracted! There seems to be a mix up with the contracts between my treatment centers and my insurance company.
4) Pray that Erik will be encouraged and that his kidneys will work completely so he can get off dialysis.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
"So Doc, will I glow?"
"No, " he said, "but you will feel like you have a bad sunburn on the inside of your mouth and throat for a while. Oh yeah, and if you like steak now, you might find that it tastes like cardboard when your taste returns. By the way, did you want to add chemotherapy as well?"
"Hmm, then if I eat cardboard will it taste like steak?"
On Monday afternoon we had our first visit with a radiation oncologist at the University of Washington. We're not sure where we're going to have my radiation treatment as we're consulting with doctors from UW, Swedish, and the Flynn Center in Everett.
When we met with Dr. Parthanini, the radiation oncologist at UW, we were surprised to hear that the pathology report showed that my tumor was much more aggressive than anybody expected. It turns out that my tumor was a T4, the most advanced stage, rather than a T2, which is what they thought before surgery, based on the size. The cancer had actually spread from the tongue to the nerves and muscle tissue in the floor of my mouth, as well as to a single lymph node on the right side of my neck.
The good thing is that they were able to get the whole tumor out with negative margins all around. The bad thing is that with tumors with this type of aggressive behavior, they recommend radiation treatment and possibly concurrent chemotherapy.
I've been struggling a little bit just thinking about all the side effects of the radiation and how my life will change as a result. I wonder how hard life will be, or even how long it will be. Sometimes I think about death, but thats not a bad thing to contemplate, since it is our inevitable fate. It is so true that we must walk by faith and not by sight (2Cor. 5). Sometimes I wish I could see what is right around the corner in life, but we just don't know. One thing the Lord has been teaching me lately is to hope not in this life, but the life to come. It's really going to be so awesome to live on the new earth where God Himself will dwell among us and wipe away our tears. And there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain (Rev 21).
By faith I love, worship and am satisfied with the sweetness and goodness of God in this life, but after I die how much more satisfied I will be when I truly see Him face to face!
When I was a young kid growing up in New Jersey I went through phases where I would be so afraid of what would happen after I died. "Would I just be forever lonely without my family? Will it be black and dark and empty? I don't want to give up my life here, I'm comfortable." I remember times when I couldn't sleep at night and just stared at the ceiling thinking about what happens after we die. Those nights I felt so terrified of it being dark, and lonely forever. One time I got up and went to my parents room and woke them up and told them that I was scared, but I didn't tell them what I was scared of. Then I went back to my room and tried to just not think about it. Then one summer in middle school I remember being gripped by fear of life after death for several weeks. I felt like I could die or the world could end at any time, and I was just so afraid of that happening because I feared the possibility of feeling such emptiness and loneliness forever. Needless to say it made me miserable thinking about it, so I just tried really hard not to think about it for the next several years.
Looking back on those terrifying and uncertain years, I now know why I felt like it would be so lonely if I died. It's because I had no hope of life after death. At that time in my life I didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord and I didn't believe the truth that Jesus died for my sins. In fact, I barely knew anything about the bible or who God is. So those feelings of loneliness were real, and they were right. If I had died back then, I would have been destined to spend eternity empty and alone and without God in hell, where there will be weeping and knashing of teeth forever.
I'm so thankful that I don't have to fear death like I used to when I was a kid. Sometimes I still struggle with fearing death, but not nearly as much as I did a couple months ago. I fear the pain that leads to death more than death itself.
Anyhow, enough about death. Pray that I'll live and that the Lord will heal me completely with radiation treatment.
No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.
Keith Getty & Stuart TownendCopyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music
Please pray:
1) For wisdom in choosing the right Radiation Oncologist
2) That the Lord would heal me completely no matter how aggressive the cancer
3) For strength to make it through 6 weeks of radiation
4) If the Lord wills that He would minimize the side effects of the radiation and that no other cancer would be induced by it.
"Hmm, then if I eat cardboard will it taste like steak?"
On Monday afternoon we had our first visit with a radiation oncologist at the University of Washington. We're not sure where we're going to have my radiation treatment as we're consulting with doctors from UW, Swedish, and the Flynn Center in Everett.
When we met with Dr. Parthanini, the radiation oncologist at UW, we were surprised to hear that the pathology report showed that my tumor was much more aggressive than anybody expected. It turns out that my tumor was a T4, the most advanced stage, rather than a T2, which is what they thought before surgery, based on the size. The cancer had actually spread from the tongue to the nerves and muscle tissue in the floor of my mouth, as well as to a single lymph node on the right side of my neck.
The good thing is that they were able to get the whole tumor out with negative margins all around. The bad thing is that with tumors with this type of aggressive behavior, they recommend radiation treatment and possibly concurrent chemotherapy.
I've been struggling a little bit just thinking about all the side effects of the radiation and how my life will change as a result. I wonder how hard life will be, or even how long it will be. Sometimes I think about death, but thats not a bad thing to contemplate, since it is our inevitable fate. It is so true that we must walk by faith and not by sight (2Cor. 5). Sometimes I wish I could see what is right around the corner in life, but we just don't know. One thing the Lord has been teaching me lately is to hope not in this life, but the life to come. It's really going to be so awesome to live on the new earth where God Himself will dwell among us and wipe away our tears. And there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain (Rev 21).
By faith I love, worship and am satisfied with the sweetness and goodness of God in this life, but after I die how much more satisfied I will be when I truly see Him face to face!
When I was a young kid growing up in New Jersey I went through phases where I would be so afraid of what would happen after I died. "Would I just be forever lonely without my family? Will it be black and dark and empty? I don't want to give up my life here, I'm comfortable." I remember times when I couldn't sleep at night and just stared at the ceiling thinking about what happens after we die. Those nights I felt so terrified of it being dark, and lonely forever. One time I got up and went to my parents room and woke them up and told them that I was scared, but I didn't tell them what I was scared of. Then I went back to my room and tried to just not think about it. Then one summer in middle school I remember being gripped by fear of life after death for several weeks. I felt like I could die or the world could end at any time, and I was just so afraid of that happening because I feared the possibility of feeling such emptiness and loneliness forever. Needless to say it made me miserable thinking about it, so I just tried really hard not to think about it for the next several years.
Looking back on those terrifying and uncertain years, I now know why I felt like it would be so lonely if I died. It's because I had no hope of life after death. At that time in my life I didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord and I didn't believe the truth that Jesus died for my sins. In fact, I barely knew anything about the bible or who God is. So those feelings of loneliness were real, and they were right. If I had died back then, I would have been destined to spend eternity empty and alone and without God in hell, where there will be weeping and knashing of teeth forever.
I'm so thankful that I don't have to fear death like I used to when I was a kid. Sometimes I still struggle with fearing death, but not nearly as much as I did a couple months ago. I fear the pain that leads to death more than death itself.
Anyhow, enough about death. Pray that I'll live and that the Lord will heal me completely with radiation treatment.
No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.
Keith Getty & Stuart TownendCopyright © 2001 Kingsway Thankyou Music
Please pray:
1) For wisdom in choosing the right Radiation Oncologist
2) That the Lord would heal me completely no matter how aggressive the cancer
3) For strength to make it through 6 weeks of radiation
4) If the Lord wills that He would minimize the side effects of the radiation and that no other cancer would be induced by it.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Sunshine amidst cloudy days
ANDREW WRITES:
Though it is winter here in Seattle, last week was full of sunshine.
My brother, Jon, and my dad came last weekend. Though I was still recovering from the surgery, I was able to get out a bit and spend some time with my brother. One of the days Jon and I took a walk up to blockbuster and rented a video, then stopped by Dairy Queen and walked back with hot fudge sundaes. Walking by all the houses and peeking into their backyards brought back memories of when my brother and I used to play catch in our backyard on warm spring days in New Jersey. He's 5.5 years older than me, so I learned so much from him when I was a kid. I was always the tag-along with the older kids when we used to play baseball in our old court in California or at Vista Grande school down the street. I didn't much care that I was just Jon's little brother. At least I had somebody to look up to.
When Jon and Dad left Monday night I missed them immediately. It's been a really long time since Jon and I spent much time together. I'm glad he made the time to come because his visit brought sunshine amidst some cloudy days.
With all the doctors appointments, the surgery and recovery, it it felt like forever since we've been able to get out and just have some good fun and laughs with my wife and the kids.
Though it is winter here in Seattle, last week was full of sunshine.
My brother, Jon, and my dad came last weekend. Though I was still recovering from the surgery, I was able to get out a bit and spend some time with my brother. One of the days Jon and I took a walk up to blockbuster and rented a video, then stopped by Dairy Queen and walked back with hot fudge sundaes. Walking by all the houses and peeking into their backyards brought back memories of when my brother and I used to play catch in our backyard on warm spring days in New Jersey. He's 5.5 years older than me, so I learned so much from him when I was a kid. I was always the tag-along with the older kids when we used to play baseball in our old court in California or at Vista Grande school down the street. I didn't much care that I was just Jon's little brother. At least I had somebody to look up to.When Jon and Dad left Monday night I missed them immediately. It's been a really long time since Jon and I spent much time together. I'm glad he made the time to come because his visit brought sunshine amidst some cloudy days.
With all the doctors appointments, the surgery and recovery, it it felt like forever since we've been able to get out and just have some good fun and laughs with my wife and the kids.
When I woke up on Tuesday morning I could already tell I was in for a treat. There was a yellow tint rather than a gray tint to the beam of light between the curtains. As Tuesday's are typically family days, we decided to go out for lunch instead of dinner since there's no guarantee that the sunshine will last more than 2 
minutes. So off we ran to the park on the Snohomish and Pilchuk rivers.
It was Grace, AJ, Gracie, mom, Boaz (mom's dog) and I eating fish and chips in 70 degree weather in Snohomish. AJ just loved being able to run around and play on all the playground equipment. Gracie kind of just hung out looking cute. Grace gave AJ a tour of the place, then hung out with Gracie. Mom took Boaz for a long
walk around the park, and I just enjoyed watching AJ sort of tumble his way down the tall spiral slide with his deep belly laughs. AJ seemed small for such a tall, steep, spiral slide, but we let him go down anyways. Since the slide was enclosed I couldn't see what was happening, but the sounds he made before popping out the bottom sounded painful. "Haha - thump, thump, thump - haha!" The funny thing is that he wanted to do it again and again. I kept thinking to 
myself, "so AJ whats it like to be invincible?"
minutes. So off we ran to the park on the Snohomish and Pilchuk rivers. 
It was Grace, AJ, Gracie, mom, Boaz (mom's dog) and I eating fish and chips in 70 degree weather in Snohomish. AJ just loved being able to run around and play on all the playground equipment. Gracie kind of just hung out looking cute. Grace gave AJ a tour of the place, then hung out with Gracie. Mom took Boaz for a long
walk around the park, and I just enjoyed watching AJ sort of tumble his way down the tall spiral slide with his deep belly laughs. AJ seemed small for such a tall, steep, spiral slide, but we let him go down anyways. Since the slide was enclosed I couldn't see what was happening, but the sounds he made before popping out the bottom sounded painful. "Haha - thump, thump, thump - haha!" The funny thing is that he wanted to do it again and again. I kept thinking to 
myself, "so AJ whats it like to be invincible?"God has really blessed me by surrounding me with wonderful people. As wonderful as they are, how much more wonderful is our perfect God! He sticks closer than a brother, wife or friend.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Erik's Journal
Awesome news! Erik is improving and he's slowly coming out of his coma. He is able to make hand signals and respond to his wife, Roxanne. Read the latest journals written by his sister at the link below.
Gto http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/visitAPage.do and type erikgreene for the site name.
Some specific prayer requests:
Pray that he will continue to come out of the coma. He is progressing and is able to give hand signals to answer questions and communicate. He’s even able to focus his eyes for short periods of time.
Pray that his kidneys will begin to function. He is still on dialysis every other day.
Pray for the family as they look for a place to move Erik to—after the hospital discharges him. Right now the only place they can find is rather far away.
Pray that Erik will be able to be removed from the ventilator in the next day or so.
Erik is uncomfortable—with all of the tubes and machines attached to him. Pray that he will recover enough that these can all be removed.
Gto http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/visitAPage.do and type erikgreene for the site name.
Some specific prayer requests:
Pray that he will continue to come out of the coma. He is progressing and is able to give hand signals to answer questions and communicate. He’s even able to focus his eyes for short periods of time.
Pray that his kidneys will begin to function. He is still on dialysis every other day.
Pray for the family as they look for a place to move Erik to—after the hospital discharges him. Right now the only place they can find is rather far away.
Pray that Erik will be able to be removed from the ventilator in the next day or so.
Erik is uncomfortable—with all of the tubes and machines attached to him. Pray that he will recover enough that these can all be removed.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I Feel Good
The great thing about AJ and Gracie is that they don't really know or care that I'm battling cancer. That helps me feel normal when I'm around them.
I'm feeling a lot better now that I can eat. For the past 5 days I've been eating anything I can get my hands on to try to gain some weight before radiation starts. The thing is that I still have to eat slowly and carefully lest I bite the sore parts of my tongue. My neck is still sore, but it isn't really uncomfortable unless little Gracie punches me in the neck when I'm cuddling her.
Being off work has been a blessing because I've been able to spend a lot of time with my wife. The only exercise that I've been able to do is take brisk walks with Grace around the neighborhood or up the hill to the supermarket. Those are my most enjoyable parts of the day.
I remember the first night in the hospital the nurse asked me to try to walk to help my circulation. I walked about 5 steps and then had to go back and get in bed. Now, other than being a little tired, I feel good. Praise God!
I'm feeling a lot better now that I can eat. For the past 5 days I've been eating anything I can get my hands on to try to gain some weight before radiation starts. The thing is that I still have to eat slowly and carefully lest I bite the sore parts of my tongue. My neck is still sore, but it isn't really uncomfortable unless little Gracie punches me in the neck when I'm cuddling her.
Being off work has been a blessing because I've been able to spend a lot of time with my wife. The only exercise that I've been able to do is take brisk walks with Grace around the neighborhood or up the hill to the supermarket. Those are my most enjoyable parts of the day.
I remember the first night in the hospital the nurse asked me to try to walk to help my circulation. I walked about 5 steps and then had to go back and get in bed. Now, other than being a little tired, I feel good. Praise God!
Sunday, March 04, 2007
My Wife
ANDREW WRITES:
She’s so beautiful.
In 2002 I ended up moving across the street from Grace's apartment in Los Angeles and that's when we became good friends. We always had so much to talk about and we shared so much in common. We became good friends, fell in love and got engaged there on Kelton Avenue in Los Angeles. We then got married in New Jersey on January 10th, 2004 and moved to Seattle.
Grace has been my best friend ever since. When she hears the garage door open when I arrive home from work Grace and the kids all hurry to the top of the stairs and wait there. When I come around the corner I see her smiling radiantly with Gracie on her hip saying, "Welcome home!", while AJ stands at her feet saying, "Pops, home. Pops, home!" I love my job, but I really really love coming home.
Grace is not only my best friend, she's also my biggest fan and she supports me no matter what. She sacrificially gives of herself to her family every day. The way in which she has supported me through this trial has given me great hope, and it has taught me how I ought to support others. If not for her I would probably still be slumped over in my bed depressed and wasting away.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was so fearful of the future. Grace came to me and said, "No matter how bad it is, we're going to fight this. Even if its all over your body we're going to fight this cancer together." These past six weeks I've watched Grace boldy step up to all of our challenges. She's more amazing than I could have imagined.
Grace continually teaches me how to sacrifice for, encourage and strengthen others. She loves the Lord so much, and helps me to love Him more each day. If anything good ever comes out of me these days it is because of the encouragement and support of my wife. She is so strong, so bold, and so bright, yet so gentle and so caring. There isn’t another woman on this earth like her. She is so precious, and yet I don’t show enough gratitude to her for all that she has done for me and our kids. I love her so much, but I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve half the woman that she is. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a precious, undeserved gift.
She’s so beautiful.
In 2002 I ended up moving across the street from Grace's apartment in Los Angeles and that's when we became good friends. We always had so much to talk about and we shared so much in common. We became good friends, fell in love and got engaged there on Kelton Avenue in Los Angeles. We then got married in New Jersey on January 10th, 2004 and moved to Seattle.
Grace has been my best friend ever since. When she hears the garage door open when I arrive home from work Grace and the kids all hurry to the top of the stairs and wait there. When I come around the corner I see her smiling radiantly with Gracie on her hip saying, "Welcome home!", while AJ stands at her feet saying, "Pops, home. Pops, home!" I love my job, but I really really love coming home.
Grace is not only my best friend, she's also my biggest fan and she supports me no matter what. She sacrificially gives of herself to her family every day. The way in which she has supported me through this trial has given me great hope, and it has taught me how I ought to support others. If not for her I would probably still be slumped over in my bed depressed and wasting away.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was so fearful of the future. Grace came to me and said, "No matter how bad it is, we're going to fight this. Even if its all over your body we're going to fight this cancer together." These past six weeks I've watched Grace boldy step up to all of our challenges. She's more amazing than I could have imagined.
Grace continually teaches me how to sacrifice for, encourage and strengthen others. She loves the Lord so much, and helps me to love Him more each day. If anything good ever comes out of me these days it is because of the encouragement and support of my wife. She is so strong, so bold, and so bright, yet so gentle and so caring. There isn’t another woman on this earth like her. She is so precious, and yet I don’t show enough gratitude to her for all that she has done for me and our kids. I love her so much, but I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve half the woman that she is. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a precious, undeserved gift.
Friday, March 02, 2007
The Pathology results
ANDREW WRITES:
Dr. Futran called last night and confirmed what we were all expecting. Thankfully they were able to get the whole tumor out with clear margins. There was no cancer in the lymph nodes on the left side, but there was cancer on the right side. That means I will need to have radiation treatment to the right side of my face and neck area.
Grace and I were pretty much prepared for the news, so it didn't sadden us too much. We've spent the past week thinking about radiation and mentally preparing for it. Praise the Lord for providing Dr. Futran and his team who were able to get the entire tumor out through the mouth, even though Dr. Moore (the doctor from Swedish) didn't think it could be done without cutting the jaw. We really like Dr. Futran because he's not only a skilled doctor, but he's a really nice guy. His confident, yet kind, personality takes the edge off the pain and fear that comes with cancer treatment.
Anyhow, today was a pretty good day. It snowed about 6-8 inches yesterday and so I got to wake up to the sun glistening over the snow-covered ground. That was a real treat considering the typical rainy cloudy weather we've been getting for the last month. I also got to take a nice long walk with Grace through a trail in our development. One of the cool things about being home these past couple weeks is being able to spend lots of time with my wife.
This may sound funny, but the best part of the day was actually
eating a pork chop. I've been starving for real food for 2 weeks now. When we sat down at dinner I initially wasn't planning on even trying to eat it. But then after everybody started digging in, my famished stomach took control of me and cut a piece off the pork chop. I carefully chewed it and savored the flavor and quickly took another bite, and another. It hurt to eat it, in fact I even bit myself trying to eat it. But it tasted so good that I was willing to endure the pain. I'll probably do it again too.
Dr. Futran called last night and confirmed what we were all expecting. Thankfully they were able to get the whole tumor out with clear margins. There was no cancer in the lymph nodes on the left side, but there was cancer on the right side. That means I will need to have radiation treatment to the right side of my face and neck area.
Grace and I were pretty much prepared for the news, so it didn't sadden us too much. We've spent the past week thinking about radiation and mentally preparing for it. Praise the Lord for providing Dr. Futran and his team who were able to get the entire tumor out through the mouth, even though Dr. Moore (the doctor from Swedish) didn't think it could be done without cutting the jaw. We really like Dr. Futran because he's not only a skilled doctor, but he's a really nice guy. His confident, yet kind, personality takes the edge off the pain and fear that comes with cancer treatment.
Anyhow, today was a pretty good day. It snowed about 6-8 inches yesterday and so I got to wake up to the sun glistening over the snow-covered ground. That was a real treat considering the typical rainy cloudy weather we've been getting for the last month. I also got to take a nice long walk with Grace through a trail in our development. One of the cool things about being home these past couple weeks is being able to spend lots of time with my wife.
This may sound funny, but the best part of the day was actually
eating a pork chop. I've been starving for real food for 2 weeks now. When we sat down at dinner I initially wasn't planning on even trying to eat it. But then after everybody started digging in, my famished stomach took control of me and cut a piece off the pork chop. I carefully chewed it and savored the flavor and quickly took another bite, and another. It hurt to eat it, in fact I even bit myself trying to eat it. But it tasted so good that I was willing to endure the pain. I'll probably do it again too.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Update on Andrew's Recovery
ANDREW WRITES:
The video below is from Saturday 2/24/07. I've already come a long way in my speech since then. I am also able to eat a little soft food. Eating has been really difficult, and often is discouraging. It isn't as painful anymore, but it's just difficult to move food around and swallow it. So I get discouraged and don't have much of an appetite. But I just have to force myself to do it. My goal is to somehow gain all my weight back before radiation starts. I typically have to drink smoothies and drinks, but at dinner each day I practice chewing food as much as I can. I'm still losing weight (~15 lbs so far), but my calorie intake is getting much better.
We still don't have the pathology results, so we're just waiting in suspense for now. Although it has been difficult physically after surgery, I'm glad to be home with my wife and the kids. They are a joy to be with.
Erik is still in a coma right now, but we're praying that he will come out of it soon. We got to visit him in the Critical Care Unit on Friday afternoon. It was hard to see him in that condition, but it just makes me pray harder for his recovery. As expected, his family encouraged me greatly during our short visit at the hospital. They're standing strong and very hopeful about the whole situation. Hopefully I'll be feeling up to visiting again tomorrow.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Broken crutches
Thursday night 2/22/07
ANDREW WRITES:
I feel a little crippled right now, not so much physically, but more mentally. After coming back from the doctor today Grace immediately ran back to UW for her writing class. I wanted her to go rather than stay home with me so that she could keep doing what she normally does. My mom, the kids and I had dinner and then I went into the room to rest.
I immediately found myself feeling so alone, and started to cry. To make a long story short, the doctor gave me the news I didn't want to hear. They believe the cancer did spread to the lymph nodes in my neck. They will be 100% sure next week when the pathology studies come back, but they are quite sure that it had spread, and that I'll need radiation. While I had my head between my knees weeping and fighting for joy the words that came to my mouth were, "For I know that my redeemer lives and I will stand with Him on that day."
Job says this in Job 29:25-27:
"As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.
Even after my skin is destroyed,
Yet from my flesh I shall see God;
Whom I myself shall behold,
And whom my eyes will see and not another.
My heart faints within me!
Close your eyes and imagine a person hobbling along a road with a pair of crutches. Strapped to his back is a large wooden chest full of many spare crutches for use whenever a crutch breaks. All along this road are little stands with ads and salesmen trying to sell the latest and greatest crutch.
"For just 5.999999 APR you can have the XZR Titanium crutch. It will make your journey smooth, enjoyable and fun."
And the road keeps getting bumpier and bumpier so the man hobbles along and his left crutch breaks, so he has to replace it with whatever is readily available. Then the right one breaks, then the left again...So this man leaves a trail of broken crutches behind him as he journeys along the bumpy road called life.
So the guy keeps hobbling along and keeps finding great deals on new crutches at all the stands he stops at. He's so excited that he even starts to hobble faster and faster trying to get to the next stand. Then just ahead he sees a funny red sign. As he hobbles up close he notices that it says "END".
I've been thinking about what my crutches are/were. What do I use to hold myself up with? What do I depend on to give me joy?
I'm looking around at my field of broken crutches and I'm finding that I'm not surprised that they're breaking. My dependence often lay in my health, money, prestige, my job, my wife, my kids, or even in being highly esteemed by others. God has blessed me in all these areas and each of them do bring me lots of joy. But what if these things are taken away, then where does the joy come from? What happens when the crutch breaks?
True joy is found in the truth behind why we even go down the bumpy road called life. What robs us of joy is continually worrying about crutches all the time.
So whats the point? To amass the largest storehouse of crutches? To get the best one? What happens when you get to the end of the road?
The bible as a whole teaches that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. The whole point is to learn the truth and then learn to walk. It is not to pass the time being satisfied with mediocre joy until you get to the end. That's a wasted life.
Jesus spoke of this truth in John 8:31-32
"If you continue in my word then you are truly disciples of mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free."
So we naturally ask, freedom from what? The truth will make you free from slavery to crutches. Slavery to the lusts of the eyes, the lusts of the flesh and the boastful pride of life. Slavery to the sin that permeates our very core.
Truth = Free = Joy
I still rely on crutches, and I still have a stash of them strapped to my back. But I'm learning to walk. The more I can understand the truth that my redeemer, Jesus Christ, lives, the more joy I can find. Jesus is God, was crucified for my sins, and He resurrected Himself and appeared to many people before ascending into heaven. This is the truth - that all my sins have been paid for by the sacrifice of the cross. I do not have to suffer punishment in eternity for my sins. So whatever bumps lie ahead will be okay, because it's okay if my crutches break. In fact, I want them to. Then I'll be forced to find my joy in the fact the my redeemer does live. He is the all-powerful God, and He knows me, and cares for me. And one day I will stand with Him.
Ps 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You;
And my soul, which You have redeemed."
So its been hard to see my crutches break one by one. It's been a painful battle thus far with cancer, but God has been faithful all my life thus far. He has been faithful to break my crutches, because He wants me to find a deeper joy in Him alone. This is true love. This is a good God.
Nobody knows the day or the hour when the little red sign will appear by the roadside. So let us all leave our crutches behind, and run to our Savior Jesus Christ for our joy and satisfaction in this life and the next.
Isaiah 55:6-7
Seek the LORD while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the LORD,
And He will have compassion on him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon
ANDREW WRITES:
I feel a little crippled right now, not so much physically, but more mentally. After coming back from the doctor today Grace immediately ran back to UW for her writing class. I wanted her to go rather than stay home with me so that she could keep doing what she normally does. My mom, the kids and I had dinner and then I went into the room to rest.
I immediately found myself feeling so alone, and started to cry. To make a long story short, the doctor gave me the news I didn't want to hear. They believe the cancer did spread to the lymph nodes in my neck. They will be 100% sure next week when the pathology studies come back, but they are quite sure that it had spread, and that I'll need radiation. While I had my head between my knees weeping and fighting for joy the words that came to my mouth were, "For I know that my redeemer lives and I will stand with Him on that day."
Job says this in Job 29:25-27:
"As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.
Even after my skin is destroyed,
Yet from my flesh I shall see God;
Whom I myself shall behold,
And whom my eyes will see and not another.
My heart faints within me!
Close your eyes and imagine a person hobbling along a road with a pair of crutches. Strapped to his back is a large wooden chest full of many spare crutches for use whenever a crutch breaks. All along this road are little stands with ads and salesmen trying to sell the latest and greatest crutch.
"For just 5.999999 APR you can have the XZR Titanium crutch. It will make your journey smooth, enjoyable and fun."
And the road keeps getting bumpier and bumpier so the man hobbles along and his left crutch breaks, so he has to replace it with whatever is readily available. Then the right one breaks, then the left again...So this man leaves a trail of broken crutches behind him as he journeys along the bumpy road called life.
So the guy keeps hobbling along and keeps finding great deals on new crutches at all the stands he stops at. He's so excited that he even starts to hobble faster and faster trying to get to the next stand. Then just ahead he sees a funny red sign. As he hobbles up close he notices that it says "END".
I've been thinking about what my crutches are/were. What do I use to hold myself up with? What do I depend on to give me joy?
I'm looking around at my field of broken crutches and I'm finding that I'm not surprised that they're breaking. My dependence often lay in my health, money, prestige, my job, my wife, my kids, or even in being highly esteemed by others. God has blessed me in all these areas and each of them do bring me lots of joy. But what if these things are taken away, then where does the joy come from? What happens when the crutch breaks?
True joy is found in the truth behind why we even go down the bumpy road called life. What robs us of joy is continually worrying about crutches all the time.
So whats the point? To amass the largest storehouse of crutches? To get the best one? What happens when you get to the end of the road?
The bible as a whole teaches that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. The whole point is to learn the truth and then learn to walk. It is not to pass the time being satisfied with mediocre joy until you get to the end. That's a wasted life.
Jesus spoke of this truth in John 8:31-32
"If you continue in my word then you are truly disciples of mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free."
So we naturally ask, freedom from what? The truth will make you free from slavery to crutches. Slavery to the lusts of the eyes, the lusts of the flesh and the boastful pride of life. Slavery to the sin that permeates our very core.
Truth = Free = Joy
I still rely on crutches, and I still have a stash of them strapped to my back. But I'm learning to walk. The more I can understand the truth that my redeemer, Jesus Christ, lives, the more joy I can find. Jesus is God, was crucified for my sins, and He resurrected Himself and appeared to many people before ascending into heaven. This is the truth - that all my sins have been paid for by the sacrifice of the cross. I do not have to suffer punishment in eternity for my sins. So whatever bumps lie ahead will be okay, because it's okay if my crutches break. In fact, I want them to. Then I'll be forced to find my joy in the fact the my redeemer does live. He is the all-powerful God, and He knows me, and cares for me. And one day I will stand with Him.
Ps 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You;
And my soul, which You have redeemed."
So its been hard to see my crutches break one by one. It's been a painful battle thus far with cancer, but God has been faithful all my life thus far. He has been faithful to break my crutches, because He wants me to find a deeper joy in Him alone. This is true love. This is a good God.
Nobody knows the day or the hour when the little red sign will appear by the roadside. So let us all leave our crutches behind, and run to our Savior Jesus Christ for our joy and satisfaction in this life and the next.
Isaiah 55:6-7
Seek the LORD while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the LORD,
And He will have compassion on him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon
The follow-up
Over the past couple of days I have been getting better and better. The cold symptoms are basically gone now. My tongue is quite swollen still, but I am now able to actually swallow rather than having force drinks down my throat. I glad that I can talk much more that I could two days ago, so Grace and I mom can understand me with some repeats. I still can't chew anything, though. Basically I sound like a person trying to talk with a large strawberry strapped to his tongue. I use that example because AJ is sitting here eating strawberries next to me while I type this. The funny thing is that even though I can barely talk, AJ still understands me about as well as he used to. Not bad for a little guy. Then again, maybe I'm finally speaking his language...
Today is the day that I will find out the results of the pathology studies. I'm a little nervous about finding out, but I just have to be stong and trust in the Lord's faithfulness to me.
One of the passages I read this morning was Psalm 28: 6-7
"Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
The Lord is my strength and my sheild;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him. "
The Lord has always been faithful and He will continue to be faithful even if today's report is not what I want to hear.
Please pray that all the cancer tissue has been removed from my body, and that it will not return. Even if the doctors had good news for me today, God is the one who is able to keep it from coming back. So we entrust my life to His merciful hands.
Today is the day that I will find out the results of the pathology studies. I'm a little nervous about finding out, but I just have to be stong and trust in the Lord's faithfulness to me.
One of the passages I read this morning was Psalm 28: 6-7
"Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
The Lord is my strength and my sheild;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him. "
The Lord has always been faithful and He will continue to be faithful even if today's report is not what I want to hear.
Please pray that all the cancer tissue has been removed from my body, and that it will not return. Even if the doctors had good news for me today, God is the one who is able to keep it from coming back. So we entrust my life to His merciful hands.
Monday, February 19, 2007
The only bad thing is...
ANDREW WRITES:
Most of you know the outcome of the surgery, but I thought I might write out the details as well since there were some fun parts.
Friday:
The morning wasn't that difficult. Grace and I woke up and went off to the hospital. It kind of just felt like three weeks ago when I went in for a biopsy early in the morning. The guy who wheeled me to the OR and dropped Grace off at the waiting room was like a big gentle giant. Grace called him "the big angel." There was something really relaxing and comforting about him that gave me peace about the whole situation. So waking up early, going to the hospital, and going back to sleep was the easy part of the day.
Waking up again was the hard part. I remember coming out of the anesthesia and gripping the side of the stretcher with all my might trying to say "pain". The only problem was that nothing was coming out of my mouth. Lots of blood and some other fluids were running down my throat. I could hardly breath without gagging, let alone try to control my newly shaped swollen tongue. Eventually they did give me morphine, and that helped a lot.
At some point during the day I was transported up to my hospital room and was told that they thought they were able to get the whole tumor out through the mouth. Praise the Lord for that! It turns out that the tumor was deeper down the throat than they were expecting, so they had to remove more of the rear of my tongue than they initially expected to. So in the end, they removed about 1/3 of the tongue and sewed it back onto itself, then removed all of the lymph nodes on the right neck.
They will do a full pathology analysis of the removed tissue and let us know if the margins are clean this Thursday. The doctor did mention that the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were quite large. That could mean they were cancerous, but they will know by this Thursday.
Saturday:
I'm so thankful that I had Grace literally by my side through this whole thing. She really just comforted me and worked so hard to keep me focused on what I need to do to get better. Since she knows me so well, she was even able to translate my body movements to the hospital staff so I wouldn't have to spend so much time writing notes to them or trying to repeat the few words that I could say. I cannot express how much of a comfort it was to have Grace by my side in the hospital. They brought a cot in for her to sleep on so she could be with me through the night too.
I was only able to get about four 1-hour naps on Friday night because my pain meds would only last about 3 hours, and they kept poking and prodding me all night. In addition, I had to sleep kind of sitting upright and leaning forward so that all the nasty stuff would drain out the front of my mouth rather than down my throat, which made me choke.
On Saturday night I was feeling really discouraged because of how uncomfortable it was trying to rest the night before, so Grace got some games and said we were going to have a sleepover. So we sat in the corner of the room working on Tangrams until pretty late, and then just fell asleep. That didn't make the night any more comfortable, but at least it made it fun. The only downside of having your wife stay at the hospital with you is that you get to jealously look over at her all night peacefully resting.
I spent most of Saturday and Sunday trying to swallow water, medication, and Ensure. It was so painful those first two days. Each time I messed up, I coughed, and that irritated not only my mouth but the incisions in my neck also. In the midst of all that I learned to appreciate the complex breathing and swallowing mechanism of the human body. When you're healthy, it works just fine and you kind of take it for granted. When something's not working right, you notice really quick. Its just amazing how many precise movements are made by your tongue and throat that you don't even notice each time you swallow.
The night before surgery a man from Bob's church in MN called. He encouraged me and read me Is. 41:10, and I decided to write it on my hand so that I could read it when I wasn't feeling well. The Lord really drew near to me during those long days and nights in the hospital. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Looking back I consistently see the Lord's faithfulness to me. We're definately not done with this trial, but I find comfort in how God has been so faithful to us this far. Surely He will continue to be faithful!
Sunday:
Really early Sunday morning I got a new nurse. When he first came into my room he looked kind of unhappy and was wearing a mask over his face. After taking my vital signs he leaned over and pulled up my shirt to listened to my heart. Then he let out a really wet cough, then sniffled. I thought to myself, great, I'm going to get sick. I imagine he got sent home, because somebody replaced him shortly afterwards.
On Sunday morning the doctors removed the drain bulb from my neck. I was so relieved to have that thing gone because each movement I made was pulling on the wound. A drain tube is a plastic tube that went into the right side of my neck to drain the fluids from the incision. With that tube gone they said I could go home if I wanted to. So we decided to go home.
Monday:
Sleeping in my own bed was so much better than the hospital bed. I did end up getting a pretty bad cold, though. My fever shot up to about 103 for a while and throughout the day we were able to get it down to around 100 with tylenol. I was a little scared for a while there, but God really just healed me of the cold in about a day and a half. It has added to some of the soreness of my throat, but I'll get over it.
Now I'm home with my family and my parents. Its so wonderful to have everybody in the same house. I'm thankful that my parents are always there to support and encourage me no matter what. My dad left today on a red-eye because he has to work tomorrow, but my mom is staying. Just like I said about the hospital, the only bad thing about having my family by my side right now is that they eat all sorts of wonderful home-cooked foods, and I just sit and watch. Well, now that the surgery part of this cancer battle is over with, lets look forward to how God is going to work in the coming weeks.
Praise God for answering the following prayers:
1) They were able to get the tumor out through the mouth.
2) There were no major complications and the surgery went smoothly. The doctors and hospital staff were also generally very helpful and kind.
3) The Lord provided a lot of encouragement through the difficult times these past several weeks.
4) My fever went away and I got over the cold quickly.
5) I was able to take down all my medications and antibiotics on schedule so far. I am also beginning to be able to transition to a smoothie-type diet.
Keep praying for:
1) Erik Greene - They have stopped sedating him, but he is still in a coma. Praise God that he seems to be responding a little. I don't have an update today, but keep praying that he'll get better.
2) Pray for proper healing of my tongue and that I will be able to speak and swallow properly.
3) Pray that the pathology results will come back negative everywhere.
4) Pray that the cancer would not return.
Most of you know the outcome of the surgery, but I thought I might write out the details as well since there were some fun parts.
Friday:
The morning wasn't that difficult. Grace and I woke up and went off to the hospital. It kind of just felt like three weeks ago when I went in for a biopsy early in the morning. The guy who wheeled me to the OR and dropped Grace off at the waiting room was like a big gentle giant. Grace called him "the big angel." There was something really relaxing and comforting about him that gave me peace about the whole situation. So waking up early, going to the hospital, and going back to sleep was the easy part of the day.
Waking up again was the hard part. I remember coming out of the anesthesia and gripping the side of the stretcher with all my might trying to say "pain". The only problem was that nothing was coming out of my mouth. Lots of blood and some other fluids were running down my throat. I could hardly breath without gagging, let alone try to control my newly shaped swollen tongue. Eventually they did give me morphine, and that helped a lot.
At some point during the day I was transported up to my hospital room and was told that they thought they were able to get the whole tumor out through the mouth. Praise the Lord for that! It turns out that the tumor was deeper down the throat than they were expecting, so they had to remove more of the rear of my tongue than they initially expected to. So in the end, they removed about 1/3 of the tongue and sewed it back onto itself, then removed all of the lymph nodes on the right neck.
They will do a full pathology analysis of the removed tissue and let us know if the margins are clean this Thursday. The doctor did mention that the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were quite large. That could mean they were cancerous, but they will know by this Thursday.
Saturday:
I'm so thankful that I had Grace literally by my side through this whole thing. She really just comforted me and worked so hard to keep me focused on what I need to do to get better. Since she knows me so well, she was even able to translate my body movements to the hospital staff so I wouldn't have to spend so much time writing notes to them or trying to repeat the few words that I could say. I cannot express how much of a comfort it was to have Grace by my side in the hospital. They brought a cot in for her to sleep on so she could be with me through the night too.
I was only able to get about four 1-hour naps on Friday night because my pain meds would only last about 3 hours, and they kept poking and prodding me all night. In addition, I had to sleep kind of sitting upright and leaning forward so that all the nasty stuff would drain out the front of my mouth rather than down my throat, which made me choke.
On Saturday night I was feeling really discouraged because of how uncomfortable it was trying to rest the night before, so Grace got some games and said we were going to have a sleepover. So we sat in the corner of the room working on Tangrams until pretty late, and then just fell asleep. That didn't make the night any more comfortable, but at least it made it fun. The only downside of having your wife stay at the hospital with you is that you get to jealously look over at her all night peacefully resting.
I spent most of Saturday and Sunday trying to swallow water, medication, and Ensure. It was so painful those first two days. Each time I messed up, I coughed, and that irritated not only my mouth but the incisions in my neck also. In the midst of all that I learned to appreciate the complex breathing and swallowing mechanism of the human body. When you're healthy, it works just fine and you kind of take it for granted. When something's not working right, you notice really quick. Its just amazing how many precise movements are made by your tongue and throat that you don't even notice each time you swallow.
The night before surgery a man from Bob's church in MN called. He encouraged me and read me Is. 41:10, and I decided to write it on my hand so that I could read it when I wasn't feeling well. The Lord really drew near to me during those long days and nights in the hospital. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Looking back I consistently see the Lord's faithfulness to me. We're definately not done with this trial, but I find comfort in how God has been so faithful to us this far. Surely He will continue to be faithful!
Sunday:
Really early Sunday morning I got a new nurse. When he first came into my room he looked kind of unhappy and was wearing a mask over his face. After taking my vital signs he leaned over and pulled up my shirt to listened to my heart. Then he let out a really wet cough, then sniffled. I thought to myself, great, I'm going to get sick. I imagine he got sent home, because somebody replaced him shortly afterwards.
On Sunday morning the doctors removed the drain bulb from my neck. I was so relieved to have that thing gone because each movement I made was pulling on the wound. A drain tube is a plastic tube that went into the right side of my neck to drain the fluids from the incision. With that tube gone they said I could go home if I wanted to. So we decided to go home.
Monday:
Sleeping in my own bed was so much better than the hospital bed. I did end up getting a pretty bad cold, though. My fever shot up to about 103 for a while and throughout the day we were able to get it down to around 100 with tylenol. I was a little scared for a while there, but God really just healed me of the cold in about a day and a half. It has added to some of the soreness of my throat, but I'll get over it.
Now I'm home with my family and my parents. Its so wonderful to have everybody in the same house. I'm thankful that my parents are always there to support and encourage me no matter what. My dad left today on a red-eye because he has to work tomorrow, but my mom is staying. Just like I said about the hospital, the only bad thing about having my family by my side right now is that they eat all sorts of wonderful home-cooked foods, and I just sit and watch. Well, now that the surgery part of this cancer battle is over with, lets look forward to how God is going to work in the coming weeks.
Praise God for answering the following prayers:
1) They were able to get the tumor out through the mouth.
2) There were no major complications and the surgery went smoothly. The doctors and hospital staff were also generally very helpful and kind.
3) The Lord provided a lot of encouragement through the difficult times these past several weeks.
4) My fever went away and I got over the cold quickly.
5) I was able to take down all my medications and antibiotics on schedule so far. I am also beginning to be able to transition to a smoothie-type diet.
Keep praying for:
1) Erik Greene - They have stopped sedating him, but he is still in a coma. Praise God that he seems to be responding a little. I don't have an update today, but keep praying that he'll get better.
2) Pray for proper healing of my tongue and that I will be able to speak and swallow properly.
3) Pray that the pathology results will come back negative everywhere.
4) Pray that the cancer would not return.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Good News!
Grace here.
God is so good. Praise God that so far, everything has gone according to what Dr. Futran expected.
The cancer was all the way at the back of the tongue, but the Lord answered prayer that they were able to remove the cancer through his mouth, despite how challenging it was. So, the easiest procedure was done and they didn't need to cut his jaw.
They removed all of the lymph nodes from the right side of his neck as a precaution, in case any of the cancer had spread there. They also removed a few lymph nodes from the left side of his neck, but at least from looking at all of them, they didn't think there was any cancer in them. They sent the removed tumor as well as the lymph nodes to the pathologist to make sure the margin they cut around the tumor is clean as well as the lymph nodes. We should know the results in a week. Lord-willing, it will all be clean and he will not need radiation.
God is so gentle. There was a time when modern medicine didn't exist, people died young left and right, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. But God is so gentle so as to spare our family from such loss. Thank the Lord that He doesn't seem to be taking my precious Andrew away.
Andrew looks great. He has one long incision on the right side of his neck and a shorter one on the left side. It looks worse than it actually is, because he has stiches (and they don't cover them with bandages). He can't talk, so he just writes, gives a thumbs up, or shakes his head.
As for his actual tongue, they cut out the bottom of the back right side, which is about a third of his tongue. They then folded the top right side of his tongue over the part that was cut out. Since it is a muscle, some of it may grow back. His face is not swollen at all, so in that regard, he looks much better than I did when I got my wisdom teeth out!
The best therapy is just using his tongue and throat. So they are encouraging him to drink clear fluids right now. He has even used his voice a little bit. A nurse is also going to help him get up and walk a little later, so he doesn't get blood clots from not moving around much today. His jaw hurts up to his ear like it did before, but he said his neck feels fine. He says his pain is a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, but he often asks for more medicine. The liquid medicine also causes some nausea.
Dr. Futran said he should be able to go home on Monday. A speech therapist will visit him tomorrow and help him more with swallowing. Hopefully, he should eventually regain his full ability to swallow. I'm not sure if he'll need speech therapy, though, since just talking is the best speech therapy.
As for me, I am doing well. My good friend, Heather, from California just moved up here this week, so she was able to stay with me the whole day right up until I was about to go in and see Andrew around 5pm. Andrew's dad was with us also, while his mom watched the kids at home.
Andrew did really well this morning. We had to arrive two hours early at 7:15 a.m. While we were in one of the pre-something rooms waiting an hour or so for the nurse to take him, we were even laughing together, even though Andrew was nervous at the same time. I felt happy. Then, when it was time to give him a kiss goodbye, all of a sudden I felt like bursting out crying.
Once Heather arrived, though, I chattered ceaselessly, hardly taking a breath all day. I didn't think I felt anxious, but at lunch, even though I was hungry, I found that I couldn't eat. Heather and my father-in-law said I was probably nervous but might not realize it till it was all over. Then, when Dr. Futran came to the waiting room after the surgery and was telling Andrew's dad and I that everything went well, I started glancing around the consultation room for a waste basket. I felt like throwing up. I guess I was really nervous and it was all the relief after a full day of unknowingly holding my breath. I was so thankful to the Lord for answering all our prayers.
I love Andrew so much. Somehow, before this trial, I often managed to complain about being so far from family and longing for sunshine during rainy season. But one thing the Lord has been teaching me through this trial is to live fully in the moment. God's grace truly is only sufficient for today. More than that, I prefer just to tackle the next few minutes, because who knows, that may be all we have. Before the end of the day, The Lord could even take us.
When I see life in such a bite-sized piece as the next 15 minutes, it helps me to think clearly on what's true and to give thanks for all that God has given me. It is only fear of the future that often ruins things. Even if the moment is not enjoyable, it's not so bad unless we fear it's going to last beyond what we can imagine enduring.
But when I just look at right now, I realize I get to be married to the most amazing person I have ever met, and he is alive and here with me. I get Andrew and he is mine. And our children bring us such joy and are in good health. My cup overflows! When I am fully living in the moment, I see so clearly how God has given me such richness.
The true joy and peace that the Lord has given me through this time can only be supernatural. If it could be mustered, everyone would do it all the time. More than anyone or anything, it is so good to know the LORD, the Creator of the heavens and the earth, our Rock and our Sustainer.
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:1-2
God is so good. Praise God that so far, everything has gone according to what Dr. Futran expected.
The cancer was all the way at the back of the tongue, but the Lord answered prayer that they were able to remove the cancer through his mouth, despite how challenging it was. So, the easiest procedure was done and they didn't need to cut his jaw.
They removed all of the lymph nodes from the right side of his neck as a precaution, in case any of the cancer had spread there. They also removed a few lymph nodes from the left side of his neck, but at least from looking at all of them, they didn't think there was any cancer in them. They sent the removed tumor as well as the lymph nodes to the pathologist to make sure the margin they cut around the tumor is clean as well as the lymph nodes. We should know the results in a week. Lord-willing, it will all be clean and he will not need radiation.
God is so gentle. There was a time when modern medicine didn't exist, people died young left and right, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. But God is so gentle so as to spare our family from such loss. Thank the Lord that He doesn't seem to be taking my precious Andrew away.
Andrew looks great. He has one long incision on the right side of his neck and a shorter one on the left side. It looks worse than it actually is, because he has stiches (and they don't cover them with bandages). He can't talk, so he just writes, gives a thumbs up, or shakes his head.
As for his actual tongue, they cut out the bottom of the back right side, which is about a third of his tongue. They then folded the top right side of his tongue over the part that was cut out. Since it is a muscle, some of it may grow back. His face is not swollen at all, so in that regard, he looks much better than I did when I got my wisdom teeth out!
The best therapy is just using his tongue and throat. So they are encouraging him to drink clear fluids right now. He has even used his voice a little bit. A nurse is also going to help him get up and walk a little later, so he doesn't get blood clots from not moving around much today. His jaw hurts up to his ear like it did before, but he said his neck feels fine. He says his pain is a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, but he often asks for more medicine. The liquid medicine also causes some nausea.
Dr. Futran said he should be able to go home on Monday. A speech therapist will visit him tomorrow and help him more with swallowing. Hopefully, he should eventually regain his full ability to swallow. I'm not sure if he'll need speech therapy, though, since just talking is the best speech therapy.
As for me, I am doing well. My good friend, Heather, from California just moved up here this week, so she was able to stay with me the whole day right up until I was about to go in and see Andrew around 5pm. Andrew's dad was with us also, while his mom watched the kids at home.
Andrew did really well this morning. We had to arrive two hours early at 7:15 a.m. While we were in one of the pre-something rooms waiting an hour or so for the nurse to take him, we were even laughing together, even though Andrew was nervous at the same time. I felt happy. Then, when it was time to give him a kiss goodbye, all of a sudden I felt like bursting out crying.
Once Heather arrived, though, I chattered ceaselessly, hardly taking a breath all day. I didn't think I felt anxious, but at lunch, even though I was hungry, I found that I couldn't eat. Heather and my father-in-law said I was probably nervous but might not realize it till it was all over. Then, when Dr. Futran came to the waiting room after the surgery and was telling Andrew's dad and I that everything went well, I started glancing around the consultation room for a waste basket. I felt like throwing up. I guess I was really nervous and it was all the relief after a full day of unknowingly holding my breath. I was so thankful to the Lord for answering all our prayers.
I love Andrew so much. Somehow, before this trial, I often managed to complain about being so far from family and longing for sunshine during rainy season. But one thing the Lord has been teaching me through this trial is to live fully in the moment. God's grace truly is only sufficient for today. More than that, I prefer just to tackle the next few minutes, because who knows, that may be all we have. Before the end of the day, The Lord could even take us.
When I see life in such a bite-sized piece as the next 15 minutes, it helps me to think clearly on what's true and to give thanks for all that God has given me. It is only fear of the future that often ruins things. Even if the moment is not enjoyable, it's not so bad unless we fear it's going to last beyond what we can imagine enduring.
But when I just look at right now, I realize I get to be married to the most amazing person I have ever met, and he is alive and here with me. I get Andrew and he is mine. And our children bring us such joy and are in good health. My cup overflows! When I am fully living in the moment, I see so clearly how God has given me such richness.
The true joy and peace that the Lord has given me through this time can only be supernatural. If it could be mustered, everyone would do it all the time. More than anyone or anything, it is so good to know the LORD, the Creator of the heavens and the earth, our Rock and our Sustainer.
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:1-2
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A letter to the church
I hope everybody gets to read this at some point in time. It is amazing what has happened the past several weeks in my life.
God has brought our family so much joy in this trial through the love, encouragement, and physical care of the church body. All that you did pointed us to the perfection of Christ, who is the source of all joy. We have tasted and seen that the Lord is good through the good works done through you all. In the midst of your own busyness, difficulties and trials, you have sacrificed for us, and for that we will be ever thankful. You have been a true picture of Christ to us and to the world. Through your labors you have taught us a deeper meaning of sacrificial love.
This trial is not merely our family's trial, it is the church’s trial. The joy that we've had these past few weeks wasn’t due to any single person, or even an organized ministry of the church, it was the Spirit working in the hearts of people desiring to do God's work. Praise Him for providing the church as a means of exercising His grace to us.
I urge you all now to grow more and more in your love, care, and sacrifice for one another. We must continue to be open with each other about our physical and spiritual needs, so that we can meet them. The best part about the many ways in which you ministered to us (coming to appointments, calling us, cleaning our house, bringing food, babysitting, etc.) was just to see your faces and talk with you about what the Lord is doing. This is something that we look forward to doing all the time in the future.
By the time you read this, the tumor, Lord willing, will be gone from my body. We pray that I will recover and be back with you all soon. You truly are our family of families. We love you.
Love,
The Marks
God has brought our family so much joy in this trial through the love, encouragement, and physical care of the church body. All that you did pointed us to the perfection of Christ, who is the source of all joy. We have tasted and seen that the Lord is good through the good works done through you all. In the midst of your own busyness, difficulties and trials, you have sacrificed for us, and for that we will be ever thankful. You have been a true picture of Christ to us and to the world. Through your labors you have taught us a deeper meaning of sacrificial love.
This trial is not merely our family's trial, it is the church’s trial. The joy that we've had these past few weeks wasn’t due to any single person, or even an organized ministry of the church, it was the Spirit working in the hearts of people desiring to do God's work. Praise Him for providing the church as a means of exercising His grace to us.
I urge you all now to grow more and more in your love, care, and sacrifice for one another. We must continue to be open with each other about our physical and spiritual needs, so that we can meet them. The best part about the many ways in which you ministered to us (coming to appointments, calling us, cleaning our house, bringing food, babysitting, etc.) was just to see your faces and talk with you about what the Lord is doing. This is something that we look forward to doing all the time in the future.
By the time you read this, the tumor, Lord willing, will be gone from my body. We pray that I will recover and be back with you all soon. You truly are our family of families. We love you.
Love,
The Marks
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
My Brother Erik
ANDREW WRITES:
5:30 AM
Tonight I couldn't sleep much just thinking and praying for Erik Greene and his family. I received news at 8:30 PM last night that he had gone to the hospital with unexpected heart problems. His health quickly started to deteriorate. He is currently sedated and in critical care while the doctors are running tests on him. They said that the prognosis is very grim. For those who don't know him, he is a bright young guy, father of 4 kids (3 adopted), and he loves the Lord.
Erik changed my life these past couple weeks.
Erik and his wife, Roxanne, have sat at my Sunday school table for the past 8 months or so. When he first found out about my cancer diagnosis he came over to me and told me that he knows exactly what I'm going through, and that he would be praying for me. Erik had leukemia when he was a child and had radiation treatment on the upper half of his body. He told me to just hang in there. So I did.
This past Saturday Erik emailed me to encourage me again, and tell me that Roxanne and him would be praying for me. He said in his email, "Hey, if you want to grab a cup of coffee lets do it. If you need to talk about this we can do so. Do not give up hope, brother, because God is in control. His sovereignty is complete and peace is found in him!"
On Sunday I was struggling with pain in my mouth and ear, and I was a little discouraged. After evening service Erik came over and grabbed my hand and held it firmly and said, "Can I pray for you?". So Erik put his arm around me and prayed for my surgery and healing as we stood at the front of the church. When I left the church building that night I thought to myself, "I want to be like Erik. I want to be able to give people hope in their trials."
We haven't known each other for that long, nor have we spent much time together, but Erik changed my life. He's more than a friend, he's a brother.
Lord, we praise you that you are the great physician. You know each hair on our head, and each molecule in our body. I pray that you would please heal Erik and give the doctors wisdom to treat him. I pray that he would be able to live a long healthy life with Roxanne and the kids. Please take care of them.
10:10 AM
I just received a call from Julie Ratzlaff and she told me that Erik made it through the night. He's still sedated in critical care.
I was told that Erik said on his way to the hospital yesterday that he didn't want to get sick now because he wanted to be there for me before I go into surgery. He wanted to have breakfast with me this week. Erik truly is a fighter. Lord, please heal Erik. Please bring him safely through this sickness so that we can have him on this earth for longer. Please give the doctors, the hospital staff and Roxanne wisdom to diagnose and treat him.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities;
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit;
Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;
Who satisfies you your years with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.Ps. 103:1-5
11:36PM
Erik is still sedated in critical care and his body is still fighting off a major blood infection. We feel so burdened for him and his family, and we wish we could do something to heal Him. Pray that his condition will stabilize and that he will be able to get over this infection.
5:30 AM
Tonight I couldn't sleep much just thinking and praying for Erik Greene and his family. I received news at 8:30 PM last night that he had gone to the hospital with unexpected heart problems. His health quickly started to deteriorate. He is currently sedated and in critical care while the doctors are running tests on him. They said that the prognosis is very grim. For those who don't know him, he is a bright young guy, father of 4 kids (3 adopted), and he loves the Lord.
Erik changed my life these past couple weeks.
Erik and his wife, Roxanne, have sat at my Sunday school table for the past 8 months or so. When he first found out about my cancer diagnosis he came over to me and told me that he knows exactly what I'm going through, and that he would be praying for me. Erik had leukemia when he was a child and had radiation treatment on the upper half of his body. He told me to just hang in there. So I did.
This past Saturday Erik emailed me to encourage me again, and tell me that Roxanne and him would be praying for me. He said in his email, "Hey, if you want to grab a cup of coffee lets do it. If you need to talk about this we can do so. Do not give up hope, brother, because God is in control. His sovereignty is complete and peace is found in him!"
On Sunday I was struggling with pain in my mouth and ear, and I was a little discouraged. After evening service Erik came over and grabbed my hand and held it firmly and said, "Can I pray for you?". So Erik put his arm around me and prayed for my surgery and healing as we stood at the front of the church. When I left the church building that night I thought to myself, "I want to be like Erik. I want to be able to give people hope in their trials."
We haven't known each other for that long, nor have we spent much time together, but Erik changed my life. He's more than a friend, he's a brother.
Lord, we praise you that you are the great physician. You know each hair on our head, and each molecule in our body. I pray that you would please heal Erik and give the doctors wisdom to treat him. I pray that he would be able to live a long healthy life with Roxanne and the kids. Please take care of them.
10:10 AM
I just received a call from Julie Ratzlaff and she told me that Erik made it through the night. He's still sedated in critical care.
I was told that Erik said on his way to the hospital yesterday that he didn't want to get sick now because he wanted to be there for me before I go into surgery. He wanted to have breakfast with me this week. Erik truly is a fighter. Lord, please heal Erik. Please bring him safely through this sickness so that we can have him on this earth for longer. Please give the doctors, the hospital staff and Roxanne wisdom to diagnose and treat him.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities;
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit;
Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;
Who satisfies you your years with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.Ps. 103:1-5
11:36PM
Erik is still sedated in critical care and his body is still fighting off a major blood infection. We feel so burdened for him and his family, and we wish we could do something to heal Him. Pray that his condition will stabilize and that he will be able to get over this infection.
Monday, February 12, 2007
What makes family?
ANDREW WRITES:
As you all know, Grace, AJ and Gracie are my closest friends and companions, but there are still two other very important people in my life, mom and dad (a.k.a. Grandma and Grandpa).
I noted in a prior blog that I was a very "special" child. Well, in the end that made for a very "special" relationship between my parents and I. Being the youngest I was a bit of a brat (sometimes a bit more of a brat depending on the age) and when I got older I just tried to get away and do my own stuff. Despite everything, my parents just always loved me and supported me. When I was little they used to let me play in the puddles outside our house in Danville, CA in the late afternoons because I just LOVED water. In fact, one time I locked my parents in the backyard and tried to flood the house.
I always had so much curiosity. After we moved to New Jersey around the age of 9 our house got struck by lightning and lots of our appliances were destroyed, my dad let me take them all apart to see how they worked. That was the very beginning of the engineering road. My parents always supported me in my academic intersts, even though it meant sacrifice for them.
I remember my mom also used to take me to all my doctors and dental appointments. One time I knocked out three of my front permanant teeth playing baseball in a neighbor's backyard and my mom would take me to all the dental and orthodontic appointments to get me fixed up over the next couple of years.
In high school I became a rebellious teenager and fought against the parental authority in our home. Needless to say, that was stupid on my part, and it caused a lot of pain those years and the years following.
When I was in college living the typical college life my dad would make a special stop by Los Angeles during his business trips to visit me a couple times per year and take me to a nice dinner. For college students, thats aways a treat! And whenever I was home my mom would teach me how to cook my favorite dishes as well as her secret household cleaning tricks.
When I finally became a Christian at the age of 20 I looked back on my life and realized how much my parents loved me. Despite all the hurt and pain I brought my parents, they just loved me and wanted whats best for me.
The reason I'm writing this blog is because my parents called yesterday and told me they were coming a day earlier because there is a snow storm coming in to New Jersey on Wednesday morning and they wanted to make sure they could get there at least a day before my surgery. That made me really happy. I'm also excited to see my brother when he visits the week after surgery.
The way my parents love me unconditionally is the way I hope to be able to love my kids. Thats what families are made of.
As you all know, Grace, AJ and Gracie are my closest friends and companions, but there are still two other very important people in my life, mom and dad (a.k.a. Grandma and Grandpa).
I noted in a prior blog that I was a very "special" child. Well, in the end that made for a very "special" relationship between my parents and I. Being the youngest I was a bit of a brat (sometimes a bit more of a brat depending on the age) and when I got older I just tried to get away and do my own stuff. Despite everything, my parents just always loved me and supported me. When I was little they used to let me play in the puddles outside our house in Danville, CA in the late afternoons because I just LOVED water. In fact, one time I locked my parents in the backyard and tried to flood the house.
I always had so much curiosity. After we moved to New Jersey around the age of 9 our house got struck by lightning and lots of our appliances were destroyed, my dad let me take them all apart to see how they worked. That was the very beginning of the engineering road. My parents always supported me in my academic intersts, even though it meant sacrifice for them.
I remember my mom also used to take me to all my doctors and dental appointments. One time I knocked out three of my front permanant teeth playing baseball in a neighbor's backyard and my mom would take me to all the dental and orthodontic appointments to get me fixed up over the next couple of years.
In high school I became a rebellious teenager and fought against the parental authority in our home. Needless to say, that was stupid on my part, and it caused a lot of pain those years and the years following.
When I was in college living the typical college life my dad would make a special stop by Los Angeles during his business trips to visit me a couple times per year and take me to a nice dinner. For college students, thats aways a treat! And whenever I was home my mom would teach me how to cook my favorite dishes as well as her secret household cleaning tricks.When I finally became a Christian at the age of 20 I looked back on my life and realized how much my parents loved me. Despite all the hurt and pain I brought my parents, they just loved me and wanted whats best for me.
The reason I'm writing this blog is because my parents called yesterday and told me they were coming a day earlier because there is a snow storm coming in to New Jersey on Wednesday morning and they wanted to make sure they could get there at least a day before my surgery. That made me really happy. I'm also excited to see my brother when he visits the week after surgery.
The way my parents love me unconditionally is the way I hope to be able to love my kids. Thats what families are made of.
Friday, February 09, 2007
"The U"
ANDREW WRITES:
So we finally made a decision about which surgeon to go with. If you've been keeping up with the blogs, the choice was between Dr. David Moore at the Swedish Cancer Institute or Dr. Neal Futran (pronounced Few-tran) at the University of Washington Medical Center. Both seem to be excellent surgeons with plenty of experience treating head and neck cancers.
Monday 2/5/07
One of our concerns this week was whether or not Dr. Futran would really be able to get the entire tumor out through the mouth. Dr. Futran called me on Monday morning and we talked about the PET scan results and he assured me that they WILL get the whole tumor out. He feels very confident that it can be done through the mouth, but if for some reason it can't be done that way he can cut around the tongue and drop it back into the throat, and then remove the tumor through an incision in the throat. He told me that he doesn't like to cut the jaw because it doesn't heal as well and it leaves scars, and for this type of tumor he can get to it just as easily from the throat if needed. He only splits the jaw if he really needs to like for a tumor in the tonsil area. Dr. Futran also told me that he would review my PET scan results on Wednesday with his board, and he'll let me know if anything changes.
Tuesday 2/6/07
We visited Dr. Todd Barnett, a radiation oncologist who was recommended by Dr. Moore. After explaining the type of equipment and techniques they use for radiation treatment, Grace and I were less fearful. I had thought that radiation would destroy my tastebuds and saliva glands, but Dr. Barnett said that with the new techniques the should be able to spare much of my taste and most likely one of my main salivary glands on my left cheek.
Dr. Barnett has treated both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran's patients, and he said that both are excellent surgeons and he assured me that both will get the tumor out of me one way or another. If the doctors recommend radiation, I suppose I will have to get it, but we're still praying that I won't need it.
Wednesday 2/7/07
Dr. Futran called me after dinner and told me that his team reviewed the PET scan and they will move forward with the same plan, but they want to make a small incision on my left neck to sample a lymph node that lit up in the scan. After that Grace and I weighed the pros and cons of each doctor, and we came to a conclusion. Here is a brief summary of why we chose Dr. Futran:
1) Not that credientials mean everything, but Dr. Futran is very well respected nationally for treating head and neck cancers. He also holds double degrees in oral and maxillofacial surgery as well as otolaryngology. Not to mention that the University of Washington Medical Center ("the U") is one of the top cancer treatment centers in the US, whereas the Swedish Cancer Institute does not have that reputation.
2) We feel that Dr. Futran is more reasonable in his approaches. If Dr. Futran could not get the tumor out through the mouth he would do it through the throat. Dr. Moore's choice would be to cut the jaw to get to the tumor since he does not believe it can be done solely through the mouth. After discussing the throat option with Dr. Futran, this seemed like a better approach if needed. Dr. Futran, however, is still very optimistic about getting it out through the mouth.
3) We just didn't feel as comfortable with Dr. Moore in our two consultations with him. In our two visits with Dr. Futran we felt much more comfortable talking to him.
Thursday 2/8/07
We went to UW for our pre-op visit. During the visit Dr. Futran took another look at my tongue and mentioned that he still feels like he can get it out through the mouth. He also spent some time explaining where he would make incisions in the neck and assured us that the won't hit any nerves or arteries. This visit pretty much sealed the deal with Dr. Futran.
In summary, after much prayer Grace and I feel very comfortable with Dr. Futran and his approach to my treatment. The other great thing about being treated at UW is that Grace and I love the University. Since moving to Washington we've always had a longing to live near "The U". Well, I guess this is the next best thing.
So we finally made a decision about which surgeon to go with. If you've been keeping up with the blogs, the choice was between Dr. David Moore at the Swedish Cancer Institute or Dr. Neal Futran (pronounced Few-tran) at the University of Washington Medical Center. Both seem to be excellent surgeons with plenty of experience treating head and neck cancers.
Monday 2/5/07
One of our concerns this week was whether or not Dr. Futran would really be able to get the entire tumor out through the mouth. Dr. Futran called me on Monday morning and we talked about the PET scan results and he assured me that they WILL get the whole tumor out. He feels very confident that it can be done through the mouth, but if for some reason it can't be done that way he can cut around the tongue and drop it back into the throat, and then remove the tumor through an incision in the throat. He told me that he doesn't like to cut the jaw because it doesn't heal as well and it leaves scars, and for this type of tumor he can get to it just as easily from the throat if needed. He only splits the jaw if he really needs to like for a tumor in the tonsil area. Dr. Futran also told me that he would review my PET scan results on Wednesday with his board, and he'll let me know if anything changes.
Tuesday 2/6/07
We visited Dr. Todd Barnett, a radiation oncologist who was recommended by Dr. Moore. After explaining the type of equipment and techniques they use for radiation treatment, Grace and I were less fearful. I had thought that radiation would destroy my tastebuds and saliva glands, but Dr. Barnett said that with the new techniques the should be able to spare much of my taste and most likely one of my main salivary glands on my left cheek.
Dr. Barnett has treated both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran's patients, and he said that both are excellent surgeons and he assured me that both will get the tumor out of me one way or another. If the doctors recommend radiation, I suppose I will have to get it, but we're still praying that I won't need it.
Wednesday 2/7/07
Dr. Futran called me after dinner and told me that his team reviewed the PET scan and they will move forward with the same plan, but they want to make a small incision on my left neck to sample a lymph node that lit up in the scan. After that Grace and I weighed the pros and cons of each doctor, and we came to a conclusion. Here is a brief summary of why we chose Dr. Futran:
1) Not that credientials mean everything, but Dr. Futran is very well respected nationally for treating head and neck cancers. He also holds double degrees in oral and maxillofacial surgery as well as otolaryngology. Not to mention that the University of Washington Medical Center ("the U") is one of the top cancer treatment centers in the US, whereas the Swedish Cancer Institute does not have that reputation.
2) We feel that Dr. Futran is more reasonable in his approaches. If Dr. Futran could not get the tumor out through the mouth he would do it through the throat. Dr. Moore's choice would be to cut the jaw to get to the tumor since he does not believe it can be done solely through the mouth. After discussing the throat option with Dr. Futran, this seemed like a better approach if needed. Dr. Futran, however, is still very optimistic about getting it out through the mouth.
3) We just didn't feel as comfortable with Dr. Moore in our two consultations with him. In our two visits with Dr. Futran we felt much more comfortable talking to him.
Thursday 2/8/07
We went to UW for our pre-op visit. During the visit Dr. Futran took another look at my tongue and mentioned that he still feels like he can get it out through the mouth. He also spent some time explaining where he would make incisions in the neck and assured us that the won't hit any nerves or arteries. This visit pretty much sealed the deal with Dr. Futran.
In summary, after much prayer Grace and I feel very comfortable with Dr. Futran and his approach to my treatment. The other great thing about being treated at UW is that Grace and I love the University. Since moving to Washington we've always had a longing to live near "The U". Well, I guess this is the next best thing.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Joy
ANDREW WRITES:
Looking back at my old journal entries over the past couple weeks (not all are published online) I've noticed how much of a blessing this has been.
For one thing, we're discovering more of God's goodness, and His mercy, and compassion. The comfort that I have when Grace gives me a hug, or when my kids grab my leg and smile at me pale in comparison with the comfort that the Lord has brought our family through the knowledge of Himself. Praise God for coming to this earth and suffering for my sake, being nailed to the cross, for the sins of the world! Jesus know's what it's like to suffer. He knows what pain feels like, being scourged and crucified. He knows everything I'm feeling, and experiencing - and most of all, He has forgiven my sins. This is good news. This is true joy!
Cancer has brought me greater joy because it has given me a deeper appreciation for God through the gospel. It is because of the work of the cross that I can be forgiven of my sins, and know God, commune with Him, and experience His comfort during these difficult times. Just think, the Creator of the entire universe has me in the palm of His hand. God would not be so precarious so as to leave the fate of my life in the hands of a mere man (although He has provided an extremely skilled surgeon to treat me). Ultimately my life is in God's hands, and that is where I've found true joy.
Looking back at my old journal entries over the past couple weeks (not all are published online) I've noticed how much of a blessing this has been.
For one thing, we're discovering more of God's goodness, and His mercy, and compassion. The comfort that I have when Grace gives me a hug, or when my kids grab my leg and smile at me pale in comparison with the comfort that the Lord has brought our family through the knowledge of Himself. Praise God for coming to this earth and suffering for my sake, being nailed to the cross, for the sins of the world! Jesus know's what it's like to suffer. He knows what pain feels like, being scourged and crucified. He knows everything I'm feeling, and experiencing - and most of all, He has forgiven my sins. This is good news. This is true joy!
Cancer has brought me greater joy because it has given me a deeper appreciation for God through the gospel. It is because of the work of the cross that I can be forgiven of my sins, and know God, commune with Him, and experience His comfort during these difficult times. Just think, the Creator of the entire universe has me in the palm of His hand. God would not be so precarious so as to leave the fate of my life in the hands of a mere man (although He has provided an extremely skilled surgeon to treat me). Ultimately my life is in God's hands, and that is where I've found true joy.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Differing Opinions
ANDREW WRITES:
This week was another relatively difficult one for me, both physically and mentally.
The good news is that my PET scan on Thursday showed no other cancer in my body, and confirmed the diagnosis from both of my doctors. Praise God for answering that prayer. So both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran agree that I have cancer, and that it is a 2-3 cm tumor on the right side of my tongue. Where they differ is the procedure to remove it. I always thought there was a textbook that outlines THE WAY to do stuff, but apparently there isn't. So here's the scoop:
1) Dr. Moore, from the Swedish Medical Center, did a more thorough examination of the cancer while I was asleep, and has determined that he cannot remove it intraorally, meaning that he can't just stick a scalpal in my mouth and cut it out. He says that I will need to cut my jaw in half and rotate it out like a door so that he can get to the right rear corner of my tongue. The key here is to remove the cancerous tumor along with a margin of healthy tissue to make sure it does not come back. Dr. Moore is also saying that it is likely that radiation will be needed, but he will know for certain once they remove the tissue and look at the edges of to see if any cancerous tissue may still be left in my mouth.
2) Dr. Futran, from the University of Washington, did not put me to sleep to examine my mouth, but merely felt the tumor with his fingers while in his office. Dr. Futran made it seem like this was going to be really easy to remove intraorally, and would not require and special cutting and reconstruction of the jaw. He did mention, however, that if he really needed to he could drop the tongue into the throat and remove the tumor that way. This makes me a little nervous, though, because he promised a simple procedure but he hasn't taken that close of a look at it. Dr. Futran is also reluctant to do radiation treatment on somebody as young as me, since there is a chance of causing radiation induced cancer in the future.
So in the end I'm left with two very different opinions, from two very well-respected doctors. So who do I go with? I actually feel comfortable with either one, but I do prefer the simpler procedure. My only concern is whether or not the simple procedure will really get the whole tumor out.
I suppose I'll just have to think about it and pray for wisdom. In the end I need to make a decision, and live with the consequences of it. The good thing is that I believe in a sovereign God, and that I am a child of the King. So what do I have to lose? I just need to be faithful to do the research, seek guidance and make a decision about my treatment. God is the one who moves that hands of the surgeons, so I just need to entrust myself to God, and He will take care of the rest.
This week was another relatively difficult one for me, both physically and mentally.
The good news is that my PET scan on Thursday showed no other cancer in my body, and confirmed the diagnosis from both of my doctors. Praise God for answering that prayer. So both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran agree that I have cancer, and that it is a 2-3 cm tumor on the right side of my tongue. Where they differ is the procedure to remove it. I always thought there was a textbook that outlines THE WAY to do stuff, but apparently there isn't. So here's the scoop:
1) Dr. Moore, from the Swedish Medical Center, did a more thorough examination of the cancer while I was asleep, and has determined that he cannot remove it intraorally, meaning that he can't just stick a scalpal in my mouth and cut it out. He says that I will need to cut my jaw in half and rotate it out like a door so that he can get to the right rear corner of my tongue. The key here is to remove the cancerous tumor along with a margin of healthy tissue to make sure it does not come back. Dr. Moore is also saying that it is likely that radiation will be needed, but he will know for certain once they remove the tissue and look at the edges of to see if any cancerous tissue may still be left in my mouth.
2) Dr. Futran, from the University of Washington, did not put me to sleep to examine my mouth, but merely felt the tumor with his fingers while in his office. Dr. Futran made it seem like this was going to be really easy to remove intraorally, and would not require and special cutting and reconstruction of the jaw. He did mention, however, that if he really needed to he could drop the tongue into the throat and remove the tumor that way. This makes me a little nervous, though, because he promised a simple procedure but he hasn't taken that close of a look at it. Dr. Futran is also reluctant to do radiation treatment on somebody as young as me, since there is a chance of causing radiation induced cancer in the future.
So in the end I'm left with two very different opinions, from two very well-respected doctors. So who do I go with? I actually feel comfortable with either one, but I do prefer the simpler procedure. My only concern is whether or not the simple procedure will really get the whole tumor out.
I suppose I'll just have to think about it and pray for wisdom. In the end I need to make a decision, and live with the consequences of it. The good thing is that I believe in a sovereign God, and that I am a child of the King. So what do I have to lose? I just need to be faithful to do the research, seek guidance and make a decision about my treatment. God is the one who moves that hands of the surgeons, so I just need to entrust myself to God, and He will take care of the rest.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Intro to OR
ANDREW WRITES:
Wednesday 1/31/07
Today I went in for another biopsy of the cancer tissue on my tongue as well as a laryngoscopy of the throat. I'll know the results this Friday when I meet with Dr. Moore again at the Swedish Medical Center. I've never had surgury at a hospital before. This was kind of a primer for the upcoming surgury that will actually remove the tumor. It was an interesting experience to say the least, and in the end, I was disappointed.
When we finally arrived at 6:30 AM we met with a receptionist, then a person, then a nurse's assistant, then a nurse, then a different nurse, then the another nurse, then the guy who ran the waiting area, then another nurse who poked me, then another nurse who took me to the operating room where the anethesiologist was waiting for me with a needle. After they put a couple of warm blankets on me, I looked around at all the really cool gadgets in the room. An engineer in an operating room is like a 4-year old in a candy store. Too bad everything went dark 10 seconds later. I was dissappointed that I didn't even get to see those high circular lights turn on, or even meet the darn surgeon!
Wednesday 1/31/07
Today I went in for another biopsy of the cancer tissue on my tongue as well as a laryngoscopy of the throat. I'll know the results this Friday when I meet with Dr. Moore again at the Swedish Medical Center. I've never had surgury at a hospital before. This was kind of a primer for the upcoming surgury that will actually remove the tumor. It was an interesting experience to say the least, and in the end, I was disappointed.
When we finally arrived at 6:30 AM we met with a receptionist, then a person, then a nurse's assistant, then a nurse, then a different nurse, then the another nurse, then the guy who ran the waiting area, then another nurse who poked me, then another nurse who took me to the operating room where the anethesiologist was waiting for me with a needle. After they put a couple of warm blankets on me, I looked around at all the really cool gadgets in the room. An engineer in an operating room is like a 4-year old in a candy store. Too bad everything went dark 10 seconds later. I was dissappointed that I didn't even get to see those high circular lights turn on, or even meet the darn surgeon!
So I woke up with a bruised lip, a nasty sore throat, and a very painful cancerous sore on my tongue. Then I slept most of the rest of the day while on vicodon. I havn't eaten anything solid today, and unfortunately I can't eat anything at all other than milk, and eggs after 8PM tonight and nothing but water after 5AM because I have a PET scan tomorrow. To top it all off, the VanDerbekens brought over a wonderful meal that looked really good, but I couldn't eat it.
Anyhow, despite the interesting day I had, my family is a boat load of fun. My kids are really special. My mom would have called me special too. But when she says special she means that I had a special way of being disobedient, playing mean pranks, making messes, breaking things and nearly compromising my life. My kids are definately not THAT special.
Anyhow, we pray that there is no other cancer in my body, and if there is the, PET scan will reveal it. Tomorrow will be another adventure in sterile white corridors of First Hill in Seattle.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Encouraging News
God has been answering so much prayer:
1. It doesn’t seem like the cancer has spread
2. It seems like it is in an early stage (stage 2).
3. It seems like the cancer may be able to be taken care of without complication
4. Our insurance will pay for the PET scan!
5. we were able to get both appointments with two opinions this week (Swedish and UW), despite how they initially said we wouldn’t be able to get an appt. until next week
6. The children have done great this week (that wasn’t even in the email prayer requests)
7. Andrew (and me) have been so greatly encouraged. We thought he was going to die when we first found out and felt so hopeless. Now, the Lord has not only given us such great hope about him surviving this, but we are sooooo much happier in Him than we were before this trial. God is so so good.
8. We are learning soooo much through this trial, and God is greatly purifying us.
It doesn’t look like God has denied us even one of our requests. Please do not stop praying yet, though, and that these desires would fully come to fruition. You are ministering most hugely to us just by praying. And though it is to us you are ministering, the Lord will bless you greatly. It is so great to see the Lord prove His promises and show His Word is true over and over. We are also so grateful for you, our brothers and sisters in the Lord.
I’m so thankful they won’t have to destroy his perfect jaw!
- While we think we may go with Dr. Futran, please continue to pray for wisdom about which doctor and which options to take
- In addition to continue praying about the requests that seem to be being answered listed above,
- please pray that they wouldn’t miss any of the cancer when they are removing it
- and that no cancer only in the molecular size would form or remain.
1. It doesn’t seem like the cancer has spread
2. It seems like it is in an early stage (stage 2).
3. It seems like the cancer may be able to be taken care of without complication
4. Our insurance will pay for the PET scan!
5. we were able to get both appointments with two opinions this week (Swedish and UW), despite how they initially said we wouldn’t be able to get an appt. until next week
6. The children have done great this week (that wasn’t even in the email prayer requests)
7. Andrew (and me) have been so greatly encouraged. We thought he was going to die when we first found out and felt so hopeless. Now, the Lord has not only given us such great hope about him surviving this, but we are sooooo much happier in Him than we were before this trial. God is so so good.
8. We are learning soooo much through this trial, and God is greatly purifying us.
It doesn’t look like God has denied us even one of our requests. Please do not stop praying yet, though, and that these desires would fully come to fruition. You are ministering most hugely to us just by praying. And though it is to us you are ministering, the Lord will bless you greatly. It is so great to see the Lord prove His promises and show His Word is true over and over. We are also so grateful for you, our brothers and sisters in the Lord.
I’m so thankful they won’t have to destroy his perfect jaw!
- While we think we may go with Dr. Futran, please continue to pray for wisdom about which doctor and which options to take
- In addition to continue praying about the requests that seem to be being answered listed above,
- please pray that they wouldn’t miss any of the cancer when they are removing it
- and that no cancer only in the molecular size would form or remain.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Soul Food
This whole cancer thing so far has taught our family so much about God, ourselves, and life in general. This past week was one of really low lows, but yet at the same time some really high highs. I'm so thankful for my precious wife that stands by me and helps me up when I am down. I'll never forget how much she encouraged me and helped me this week. I wouldn't be much without her by my side. Here are a few things we've been learning recently:
1) The Lord is Good - David says in the midst of his afflictions in Ps. 34 "Taste and see that the Lord is good". Even in the depths of my worries, pain and difficulties thus far, God has shown us a glimpse of how good He truly is. When our cup is made deeper by trials and pain He is faithful to fill it with His grace. When the ground falls out from beneath your feet your faith is tested, and it is in that testing that you come to a deeper realization of WHY you love God - because He has given me more than I deserve right now anyway. Cancer ain't as bad as what I really deserve. My greatest sickness, the sickness of sin, has been taken care of on the cross.
2) How desperately we need the church family - God has truly blessed us with our church in Marysville, WA. What would be do without the people there? Not only has he used our church family to teach us and train us these past several years, but He has also used them to care for us in physical ways as well. With each of our two children being born our brothers and sisters at church overwelmed us with encouragement, meals, support and prayers. Now that I've been diagnosed with cancer, our brothers and sisters have done even more to support us in ways that I would not even been able to think to ask for. Praise God for the church - our family!
3) Life is better lived in the right perspective - The thought of dying changed my perspective on life pretty quickly. A couple of weeks ago I would have spent plenty of time thinking about menial concerns like what what my next job should be, or what our next house should be like, or what car would make my commute easier. Those things can be important, but there is much more to live for than these things, right? If I were to zip forward in time to the day I die (whenever that may be) and look back on my life I want to say that I did everything I could to magnify God on this earth. I don't want to say, "I wasted my life...but at least I got that car, or that house, or that job...". I mean, right now have two kids and a wife to live for. My focus needs to be on them, and the people around me that I can have an influence on. I'll journal more on this subject as I learn more along the bumpy road ahead.
1) The Lord is Good - David says in the midst of his afflictions in Ps. 34 "Taste and see that the Lord is good". Even in the depths of my worries, pain and difficulties thus far, God has shown us a glimpse of how good He truly is. When our cup is made deeper by trials and pain He is faithful to fill it with His grace. When the ground falls out from beneath your feet your faith is tested, and it is in that testing that you come to a deeper realization of WHY you love God - because He has given me more than I deserve right now anyway. Cancer ain't as bad as what I really deserve. My greatest sickness, the sickness of sin, has been taken care of on the cross.
2) How desperately we need the church family - God has truly blessed us with our church in Marysville, WA. What would be do without the people there? Not only has he used our church family to teach us and train us these past several years, but He has also used them to care for us in physical ways as well. With each of our two children being born our brothers and sisters at church overwelmed us with encouragement, meals, support and prayers. Now that I've been diagnosed with cancer, our brothers and sisters have done even more to support us in ways that I would not even been able to think to ask for. Praise God for the church - our family!
3) Life is better lived in the right perspective - The thought of dying changed my perspective on life pretty quickly. A couple of weeks ago I would have spent plenty of time thinking about menial concerns like what what my next job should be, or what our next house should be like, or what car would make my commute easier. Those things can be important, but there is much more to live for than these things, right? If I were to zip forward in time to the day I die (whenever that may be) and look back on my life I want to say that I did everything I could to magnify God on this earth. I don't want to say, "I wasted my life...but at least I got that car, or that house, or that job...". I mean, right now have two kids and a wife to live for. My focus needs to be on them, and the people around me that I can have an influence on. I'll journal more on this subject as I learn more along the bumpy road ahead.
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