Thursday, February 04, 2010

My Love's Too Big for You, My Love

Year 1

My dearest,

Continue to be strong and courageous. I’m sure the past year has been tough, but God has been faithful, right? What are you thankful for? What can we give thanks for this past year?

If you are feeling up to it you can open up some picture albums and videos and watch them with the kids. I want the kids to always remember that the time we had together was wonderful, and though short, it was exactly how much time the Lord wanted us to have in His sovereign plan. Though it is hard to be without me, God’s design is perfect and He know’s what is best for us. Let the children know that I love them very much, and I wish I could hug and kiss them right now...

Deut 31:6 "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you."

- Andrew

Sunday, February 7th - One Year Since My Love Left Me.

This year, I feel like I have seen Christ with my own eyes.

At times daily, I have often called out to God, often out loud, holding Him to His promise that He is a Husband to the husbandless and a Father to the fatherless. He has met me at my every cry and need. He has never failed me. I will say more about that at another time, when I have more words.

But in recent weeks, I have been at a loss for words. This past year has been a continual wrestling with my memories. I've spent much of the year rifling through the archives of my mind, while other times, finding myself trying to block out the past; that if I convinced myself that what Andrew and I had shared had never happened, at least not as richly, then there was not as much to lose and not as much to weep over. But the truth is, I loved Andrew with all my heart.

I hope some of that wrestling with my memory can rest now. This week, I could not help myself but spend all day making the video below. I do not have to wrestle with my memories, struggle to access them, tackle them to hold onto them, because they are here now compiled on my hard drive and the internet. I have not had words, but I now have my video.

If you press play over and over and over and over again (and then repeat that a few times while your hands make lunch for your kids), then you'll experience what many of my days inside my head have been like over this year - except I did not have the convenience of a play button or the pictures already organized or their significance already explained. The experience of having such images grazing my mind, sometimes vivid, sometimes vague, have been more like trying to sort through and organize very unwieldy and slippery, entwined, and knotted spaghetti.

Thank you to all of you for cheering me on this first year, whether you communicated it to me, or quietly did so between you and Jesus. There are times where I can feel you praying for us and the Lord sustaining me in answer.

I used to write fiction. When I was still in the Philippines in 2003, Andrew wrote me, "Will you let me read your stories some time? Will you let me into your world?" I let Andrew into my world and he was better than fiction all along, through and through. I let him into my heart and he filled it with himself, nearly bursting it. I haven't written fiction in a few years now. But welcome into my world, everyone. Here is this old heart...

Music by Ingrid Michaelson, Sort of

One more thing. That I know Andrew would absolutely want me to put here. This was the message my brother-in-law preached the day after Andrew died, Sunday, called "Reflections on the Suffering and Death of a 27 Year-Old Man." Over 100,000 people came through here and listened to that message. Yes, 100,000 people. Curious yet? Or if you've already heard it, it'll benefit your soul to refresh your memory. Click here:

Please also feel free to share any memories about Andrew that you haven't shared yet in the comments section below. I absolutely love to read them, and I know one day my kids will also.