Haven't known what to write. Have 4 blogs un-published in the queue, but haven't been sure if I should publish any of them. But I have wanted to write something at least to ask for your prayers. So I figured I'd keep it short and simply say, while at 3 months I thought I was feeling better, at 4 months I miss Andrew more sharply than ever. The lonliness for him is sometimes relentless and with each week, it seems to get worse. I have cried out to God, I think, like I have never before.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow
And my years with sighing;
My strength has failed because of my iniquity,
And my body has wasted away....
As for me, I said in my alarm,
"I am cut off from before Your eyes";
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried to You.
O love the LORD, all you His godly ones!
The LORD preserves the faithful
And fully recompenses the proud doer.
Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD.
- Psalm 31:9-10,22-24
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Purse
I had mentioned to a neighbor, Melissa, who was really trying to reach out to me as Andrew was dying, that if he died, I wanted to be stolen away for a few days for a short vacation. I had more expected to go with my mom somewhere. But, Andrew ended up dying mid-winter, and anywhere local to Minnesota in February was icy tundra. When things began to settle down a bit, Melissa kept mentioning going on a vacation somewhere. She lives down the street and I only met her in September. I was surprised she wanted to go with me, considering it wasn't until Andrew died that I even had the time to start to get to know her, but really appreciated her kindness. Melissa loves Jesus and she has had such an eager heart to be there for me. So Melissa and I planned a trip to Florida. At the beginning of April, I went with the kids, Melissa, and her daughter to Clearwater, Florida for a short vacation.
In the meantime, around 6 weeks the daily crying began to subside. I had been surprised that the pain I was feeling was less fresh and sharp. It was about 7 weeks since Andrew's death when we left for Florida. And so I thought I would be fine when we arrived in Florida, as it was one place I had never been to with Andrew.
As we rode on the airplane, AJ suddenly looked very downcast sitting in the blue seats of Sun Country Airlines. He said, "I just feel so sad because I don't have my Papa." It didn't matter where we were going. We were in the blue seats without Papa.
I was completely unprepared for the memories that would blast me in Florida. When we arrived Wednesday evening, I couldn't figure out what was so familiar about standing outside the airport in the humid air amidst the palm trees. Was it LAX it reminded me of, all those times flying in and out of the Los Angeles airport to return home to New Jersey or arriving back in LA for school? And the last several times being joined by my new love as we travelled to our homes in New Jersey together? How could the Florida airport remind me of that, if LA is dry desert and Florida's air was thick with moisture?
We arrived at my aunt's condo right on the Florida gulf and instead of feeling I was in unexplored territory that could not remind me of my love, every memory I had of every vacation I had with Andrew flew at me. They began to coincide into one memory, so that I would have to think through them, separate them, organize them into the proper time and place. My aunt's condo was right on the beach with a beautiful view of the water. Andrew loved views. The time we accompanied him on a business trip to Coer D'Allaine, Idaho and stayed in a hotel over the blue lake when Gracie was three months old and AJ was 18 months old the summer of 2006 melded into the memory when just he and I stayed in a hotel that overlooked the Pacific Ocean in Canada just after he recovered from his first time through radiation and chemo in the summer of 2007.
I had brought with me the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn. As I read from it each night, I began to long for the beautiful, vivid place my love was already enjoying. I read the part that said, "Perhaps you're afraid of becoming 'so heavenly minded you're of no earthly good.' Relax...On the contrary, many of us are so earthly minded we are of no heavenly or earthly good. C.S. Lewis observed, '...you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next. The Apostles...all left their mark on Earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with Heaven. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth 'thrown in': aim at earth and you will get neither.'"
On Saturday, it was a clear sunny day. The water had a gorgeous greenish-blue tint and the sand was white. It was our day to spend at the beach behind our condo. While we were leaving the condo, I discovered that I had been missing my purse since the night before. I had gotten distracted by the kids and was desperately missing Andrew, laid it down somewhere, and didn't think of it till morning. After realizing where I had left it and checking all possible lost and founds, it became obvious that someone had taken advantage of the opportunity and stolen my purse.
The most distressing thing about it was that I needed my license to be able to fly back to Minnesota Monday and I needed my cell phone that was in the purse because there was a voicemail on it that I had been saving for over a year.
The voicemail was of Andrew telling me about a conversation he had had with AJ, when AJ had told Andrew that he wanted to pray that Jesus would save him. A month after Andrew left that message, he was diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time and our lives never were the same again. I called my cell phone company about suspending my plan until I switched it to a new phone. They said that if I switched my plan to a new cell phone, then my voicemail would be lost forever. I felt so hopeless and longed for Andrew to return to me so much that it felt like I could reach my hand through the veil of eternity and touch him.
That afternoon, I couldn't stop thinking about the movie Prince Caspian, that we had just watched with the kids the other night. How the kings were too proud, self-reliant and had too little faith to go to Aslan (the Jesus figure) with their hopeless situation. But when they were finally at the end of themselves and went to Aslan, Aslan simply roared and it was so easy for everything to obey him to defeat the enemy.
I cried out to God that He promises to be a Husband to the husbandless, and that He knew this would never have happened if I had had my husband. I told the Lord that I was in a situation that was too big for me but was so easy for Him to handle. Using Melissa's cell phone, I called my cell phone several times for about the 20th time that day. A minute after praying, Melissa's cell phone rang saying that "Grace" was calling. I immediately answered like a small animal that had just been run over and was gasping its last word: "Pleease," I answered the phone with. "My husband just died and I'm really having a hard time. Pleeease, I just need my license and my cell phone back. Pleeeease."
My sister had specifically been praying that they would have a change of heart, and, indeed, that is what had happened to these teenagers. They said, "Yeah, we'll return your stuff," acting like it was the most normal thing in the world. In God's sovereignty, He hadn't allow me to cancel my cell phone. If I had, they would have never been able to call me back on Melissa's cell phone.
At the end of the conversation I said, "Can I ask you why you want to return it to me?"
They said, "Why? Cause it's the right thing to do."
The Lord gave me a heart of compassion for them, and I felt moved to bring them something that would tell them about Jesus. I had them meet me at the security guard.
When I arrived to meet them, the security guard was already grilling them. They said it was their friend who had stolen my purse and they were just returning it. They gave me back my cell phone and wallet containing everything in it, complete with $2 bill and gift cards. I had brought Andrew's Bible with me to meet them (it was a cheap pew Bible that he had bought last year and he had carried around with him ever since then. He had written his name in thick black ink). I handed it to them and said, "My husband died two months ago at the age of 27 from cancer. If you had known him 10 years ago, you probably would have been friends with him." I told them to read the book of John or Romans. They lowered their chins and looked up at me, slowly nodding.
They felt so bad that they returned again to the security guard with Andrew's Bible, a few hours later and confessed to me that they were the real thieves. I made them keep his Bible and told them that's what Andrew would want them to have. They said that every lie they had said felt like a knife stab.
It was like the Lord had pursued them like an angry husband who was looking out for his wife, only this Husband was omnipresent and could follow them in their car and could influence their consciences.
What kept coming to mind as I stood before them was that nothing anyone could do to me, no matter how horrible that day was, could compare to what I did to Jesus on the cross, nailing Him there daily with each of my sins. I had been reading the book of Luke, and so many of the passages kept flying to mind.
I prayed for them - with my eyes open - again explaining how one can know Jesus. I said "Dear Lord, I pray for these young men, who's real names I don't really know -" they interjected their real names - and then I continued.
When I finished, I said, "Now, I can't save you. Only Jesus can. You will have to give your lives to Him yourselves. But there is a price. Any one who follows Jesus is promised suffering. But Jesus if far better than anything you are pursuing here. He is far better than any pleasures you are living for."
I shared with them Andrew's testimony and as I kept telling them the gospel in many different ways, one of them began to look increasingly angry, while the other one looked increasinly wide-eyed and attentive.
Towards the end of my conversation with them, I showed them in the Bible where John and Romans were. The attentive one said, "I've never read a book in my life, but I will definitely read this one!" I gave them my email address if they had any questions about what I told them to read, but that I wouldn't have internet access until I returned home.
When I arrived in Minnesota Monday evening, there were three emails from the particularly attentive one and that he had started to read the Bible. He said he didn't really understand it, but that he would keep reading it over and over until he did understand, like I had told him Andrew had done.
Eventually, he mentioned that his grandmother, who he lived with, goes to church (I looked it up and it is Southern Baptist), and she had helped him by telling him just to read and a passage would stick out for him.
I looked up some churches in the area and sent him to a Sovereign Grace church. He actually went on Easter! Please pray that He would give his life to Jesus.
In the meantime, around 6 weeks the daily crying began to subside. I had been surprised that the pain I was feeling was less fresh and sharp. It was about 7 weeks since Andrew's death when we left for Florida. And so I thought I would be fine when we arrived in Florida, as it was one place I had never been to with Andrew.
As we rode on the airplane, AJ suddenly looked very downcast sitting in the blue seats of Sun Country Airlines. He said, "I just feel so sad because I don't have my Papa." It didn't matter where we were going. We were in the blue seats without Papa.
I was completely unprepared for the memories that would blast me in Florida. When we arrived Wednesday evening, I couldn't figure out what was so familiar about standing outside the airport in the humid air amidst the palm trees. Was it LAX it reminded me of, all those times flying in and out of the Los Angeles airport to return home to New Jersey or arriving back in LA for school? And the last several times being joined by my new love as we travelled to our homes in New Jersey together? How could the Florida airport remind me of that, if LA is dry desert and Florida's air was thick with moisture?
We arrived at my aunt's condo right on the Florida gulf and instead of feeling I was in unexplored territory that could not remind me of my love, every memory I had of every vacation I had with Andrew flew at me. They began to coincide into one memory, so that I would have to think through them, separate them, organize them into the proper time and place. My aunt's condo was right on the beach with a beautiful view of the water. Andrew loved views. The time we accompanied him on a business trip to Coer D'Allaine, Idaho and stayed in a hotel over the blue lake when Gracie was three months old and AJ was 18 months old the summer of 2006 melded into the memory when just he and I stayed in a hotel that overlooked the Pacific Ocean in Canada just after he recovered from his first time through radiation and chemo in the summer of 2007.
I had brought with me the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn. As I read from it each night, I began to long for the beautiful, vivid place my love was already enjoying. I read the part that said, "Perhaps you're afraid of becoming 'so heavenly minded you're of no earthly good.' Relax...On the contrary, many of us are so earthly minded we are of no heavenly or earthly good. C.S. Lewis observed, '...you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next. The Apostles...all left their mark on Earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with Heaven. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth 'thrown in': aim at earth and you will get neither.'"
On Saturday, it was a clear sunny day. The water had a gorgeous greenish-blue tint and the sand was white. It was our day to spend at the beach behind our condo. While we were leaving the condo, I discovered that I had been missing my purse since the night before. I had gotten distracted by the kids and was desperately missing Andrew, laid it down somewhere, and didn't think of it till morning. After realizing where I had left it and checking all possible lost and founds, it became obvious that someone had taken advantage of the opportunity and stolen my purse.
The most distressing thing about it was that I needed my license to be able to fly back to Minnesota Monday and I needed my cell phone that was in the purse because there was a voicemail on it that I had been saving for over a year.
The voicemail was of Andrew telling me about a conversation he had had with AJ, when AJ had told Andrew that he wanted to pray that Jesus would save him. A month after Andrew left that message, he was diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time and our lives never were the same again. I called my cell phone company about suspending my plan until I switched it to a new phone. They said that if I switched my plan to a new cell phone, then my voicemail would be lost forever. I felt so hopeless and longed for Andrew to return to me so much that it felt like I could reach my hand through the veil of eternity and touch him.
That afternoon, I couldn't stop thinking about the movie Prince Caspian, that we had just watched with the kids the other night. How the kings were too proud, self-reliant and had too little faith to go to Aslan (the Jesus figure) with their hopeless situation. But when they were finally at the end of themselves and went to Aslan, Aslan simply roared and it was so easy for everything to obey him to defeat the enemy.
I cried out to God that He promises to be a Husband to the husbandless, and that He knew this would never have happened if I had had my husband. I told the Lord that I was in a situation that was too big for me but was so easy for Him to handle. Using Melissa's cell phone, I called my cell phone several times for about the 20th time that day. A minute after praying, Melissa's cell phone rang saying that "Grace" was calling. I immediately answered like a small animal that had just been run over and was gasping its last word: "Pleease," I answered the phone with. "My husband just died and I'm really having a hard time. Pleeease, I just need my license and my cell phone back. Pleeeease."
My sister had specifically been praying that they would have a change of heart, and, indeed, that is what had happened to these teenagers. They said, "Yeah, we'll return your stuff," acting like it was the most normal thing in the world. In God's sovereignty, He hadn't allow me to cancel my cell phone. If I had, they would have never been able to call me back on Melissa's cell phone.
At the end of the conversation I said, "Can I ask you why you want to return it to me?"
They said, "Why? Cause it's the right thing to do."
The Lord gave me a heart of compassion for them, and I felt moved to bring them something that would tell them about Jesus. I had them meet me at the security guard.
When I arrived to meet them, the security guard was already grilling them. They said it was their friend who had stolen my purse and they were just returning it. They gave me back my cell phone and wallet containing everything in it, complete with $2 bill and gift cards. I had brought Andrew's Bible with me to meet them (it was a cheap pew Bible that he had bought last year and he had carried around with him ever since then. He had written his name in thick black ink). I handed it to them and said, "My husband died two months ago at the age of 27 from cancer. If you had known him 10 years ago, you probably would have been friends with him." I told them to read the book of John or Romans. They lowered their chins and looked up at me, slowly nodding.
They felt so bad that they returned again to the security guard with Andrew's Bible, a few hours later and confessed to me that they were the real thieves. I made them keep his Bible and told them that's what Andrew would want them to have. They said that every lie they had said felt like a knife stab.
It was like the Lord had pursued them like an angry husband who was looking out for his wife, only this Husband was omnipresent and could follow them in their car and could influence their consciences.
What kept coming to mind as I stood before them was that nothing anyone could do to me, no matter how horrible that day was, could compare to what I did to Jesus on the cross, nailing Him there daily with each of my sins. I had been reading the book of Luke, and so many of the passages kept flying to mind.
"And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, 'Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?' And Jesus answered them, 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance' (Luke 5:30-32). What does this passage mean when Romans 3 says that "There is no one righteous, not even one." If we don't see ourselves in the same category as "tax collectors and sinners" and thieves who are all in desperate need of Jesus' mercy, then perhaps it is not because we are not sinners, but because we are in the same category as the self-righteous Pharisees, which Jesus thought was even worse. We are all tax collectors, sinners, and thieves, even if our sin takes on a different face. Before God, we are all guilty. I didn't feel angry at them, because Jesus wasn't angry at me. He forgives and accepts me every day. That was something Andrew had taught me by his own eagerness to forgive and accept me every day.
I mentioned that I forgave them to which one of them exclaimed "YOU DO???"
They said they had never done anything like this before and that they had stolen from the wrong person.
I said, "No, God allowed this to happen so that you could hear about Jesus and give your lives to Him." I told them that at the same time, though, God was not pleased with what they had done and that they would have to stand before God - any moment, we couldn't know when - and answer at His Judgment throne for stealing my purse from me. I said, "This isn't the first sin you've committed in your life -"
"No, it isn't!" one of them exclaimed.
"You have sinned against God your whole life. And you will either have to pay in hell for all eternity, or Jesus can pay for all of your sins for you if you ask for His forgiveness and submit your lives to Him. Then you can enjoy Him now and for all eternity."
I kept telling them about Jesus and that they could only find relief from a life of guilt in Him.
"Okay, we want to do that now, then!" one of them said. "But you pray for us," he said, "since you know how to do that."I prayed for them - with my eyes open - again explaining how one can know Jesus. I said "Dear Lord, I pray for these young men, who's real names I don't really know -" they interjected their real names - and then I continued.
When I finished, I said, "Now, I can't save you. Only Jesus can. You will have to give your lives to Him yourselves. But there is a price. Any one who follows Jesus is promised suffering. But Jesus if far better than anything you are pursuing here. He is far better than any pleasures you are living for."
I shared with them Andrew's testimony and as I kept telling them the gospel in many different ways, one of them began to look increasingly angry, while the other one looked increasinly wide-eyed and attentive.
Towards the end of my conversation with them, I showed them in the Bible where John and Romans were. The attentive one said, "I've never read a book in my life, but I will definitely read this one!" I gave them my email address if they had any questions about what I told them to read, but that I wouldn't have internet access until I returned home.
When I arrived in Minnesota Monday evening, there were three emails from the particularly attentive one and that he had started to read the Bible. He said he didn't really understand it, but that he would keep reading it over and over until he did understand, like I had told him Andrew had done.
Eventually, he mentioned that his grandmother, who he lived with, goes to church (I looked it up and it is Southern Baptist), and she had helped him by telling him just to read and a passage would stick out for him.
I looked up some churches in the area and sent him to a Sovereign Grace church. He actually went on Easter! Please pray that He would give his life to Jesus.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Keepsake Box
On Saturday, I wished I could hear Andrew tell me he loved me. You know how it is, wives, how we know that our husbands love us, but we need them to reassure us and hear it often? It's like we begin to doubt the obvious, no matter how many declarations of love or how many sacrifices our husbands have made for us.
I began to wonder, "Did Andrew really love me? Or did he just love me in obedience to God? Did he still have anymore real affection for me, even after five years of marriage had passed together? If he did, wouldn't he have written specific things he loved about me, rather than just saying the three words?"
I went upstairs to look at old cards Andrew and I had given to each other over the years. He had gathered them and put them in a file box of keepsakes before he died. I even found an old birthday card I had sent him two weeks late, September of 2002, in a shy, yet verbose, attempt to communicate with my secret crush. (It didn't cause him to suspect I had liked him, since, as I had witnessed, he thought birthday cards from random girls were the norm at the time. Apparently, he preferred my three-page soliloquy, cause it made it past the trash).
Even though I had looked in the box since Andrew died, I had missed something. Amidst the cards there was a sealed envelope: "To Grace and kids," it said on the front. "Only open if something happens to me."
Inside were three letters, one for each of us. I vaguely recalled that he had written them before his last surgery, March of '08.
3-19-08
My sweet sweet Grace. I love you so much. There is no other woman in the world like you. I wish we could take another walk together and hold hands like we used to do at night around the apartments at UCLA. I love to hold your hand and swing it back and forth and just listen to you talk about everything. I love watching you read your script off the top of your eyelids and all the facial expressions and body movements that help express your feelings. The amazing thing is that you somehow are able to get all of those rich expressions and emotions onto paper when you write. Keep writing and publish our book.
I love your smile, and your lips...You are such a great mom. Keep loving our kids and training them and teaching them about everything. When you correct them, remember that it is a gift of love to our children just as cancer is a gift of love to us.
I love you so much. I wish I could embrace you right now. Know that I am with the Lord rejoicing and praising God without the pain of sickness. Go on living like normal. The Lord will take care of you and the kids. He is a faithful, loving Father.
"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
- Isaiah 41:10
-- Superman
Tuesday, March, 18, 2009
Dear Andrew David Mark,
I'm going to have surgery this Thursday and I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how much I love you. The Lord has blessed me with such an energetic and curious young boy. I hope to be able to see you grow up into a strong young man. You have such a tender heart towards other people and I can see it in the way you love your mom and your sister. Today Gracie was going up the steps into the mud room and she dropped her cup. Since she has difficulty going backwards on the steps and we were all waiting for Gracie to get out of the way, you reached down and got her cup and handed it to her with a big smile so that she could continue up the steps. I also love how you pay attention to details like when you were just 2 years old. I kept calling you "Superman" when you were wearing a Spiderman outfit, and you politely corrected me. Or the time I put you in the wrong car seat and you kept saying, "I want that one," pointing to your car seat on the other side of the car. You're always paying attention!
I also love how you have so much energy. You wake up early and play in your room. When Mama gets you up, you run downstairs and get a pull-up and run back up and put it on yourself. Today you had so much energy, you were running in circles downstairs from the kitchen to the living room, to the foyer and back to the kitchen.
I can already tell that you are a very talented person. Keep your head on straight and keep working hard even if things seem to come easily to you. Stay close to the Lord, and pray a lot. Take care of your mom and yours sister. Love you so much.
Proverbs 3:5-12
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones.
Honor the LORD from your wealth
And from the first of all your produce;
So your barns will be filled with plenty
And your vats will overflow with new wine.
My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD
or loathe his reproof,
for whom the LORD loves He reproves,
Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.
-- Papa
Dear Grace Olivia Mark,
You have always been a bundle of grace in my life. Since the day you were born, I could always look at you and know that God is good. The first time I got to cuddle with you in the hospital, I was so happy that the Lord had given us another child. You were such a tiny baby wrapped up that I was able to hold you with just one hand. I love your smiles and your sweet kisses. Whenever I ask for a kiss you always give me one right on the lips.
You love to cuddle and press your cheeks against mine. Just a few weeks ago we found out that my cancer was much worse than we expected. That morning you had just woken up and your mom was crying and I was feeling scared. I picked you up and you hugged me and clung to me in my lap for about half-an-hour and comforted me. Right now you are learning to talk and you make up your own words like, "Mapa," and "Dat Un," or "Down Er." Since you love to eat one of your favorite words is, "Mo-a."
Perhaps one day you will be a performer. You already love to dance and you've got a voice that carries. Most of all, love the Lord, and learn all you can from your wonderful Mama. The Lord has blessed you with a very special Mom to learn from. And if I'm not around, please remember that the Lord is your Father and your Husband. Keep close to Him and you will be satisfied. I love you.
Psalm 68:3-19
But let the righteous be glad; let them exult before God;
Yes, let them rejoice with gladness.
Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Lift up a song for Him who rides through the deserts,
Whose name is the LORD, and exult before Him.
A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
God makes a home for the lonely;
He leads out the prisoners into prosperity,
Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.
O God, when You went forth before Your people,
When You marched through the wilderness, Selah.
The earth quaked;
The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God;
Sinai itself quaked at the presence of God, the God of Isreal.
You shed abroad a plentiful rain, O God;
You confirmed Your inheritance when it was parched.
Your creatures settled in it;
You provided in Your goodness for the poor, O God.
-- Papa
I began to wonder, "Did Andrew really love me? Or did he just love me in obedience to God? Did he still have anymore real affection for me, even after five years of marriage had passed together? If he did, wouldn't he have written specific things he loved about me, rather than just saying the three words?"
I went upstairs to look at old cards Andrew and I had given to each other over the years. He had gathered them and put them in a file box of keepsakes before he died. I even found an old birthday card I had sent him two weeks late, September of 2002, in a shy, yet verbose, attempt to communicate with my secret crush. (It didn't cause him to suspect I had liked him, since, as I had witnessed, he thought birthday cards from random girls were the norm at the time. Apparently, he preferred my three-page soliloquy, cause it made it past the trash).
Even though I had looked in the box since Andrew died, I had missed something. Amidst the cards there was a sealed envelope: "To Grace and kids," it said on the front. "Only open if something happens to me."
Inside were three letters, one for each of us. I vaguely recalled that he had written them before his last surgery, March of '08.
3-19-08
My sweet sweet Grace. I love you so much. There is no other woman in the world like you. I wish we could take another walk together and hold hands like we used to do at night around the apartments at UCLA. I love to hold your hand and swing it back and forth and just listen to you talk about everything. I love watching you read your script off the top of your eyelids and all the facial expressions and body movements that help express your feelings. The amazing thing is that you somehow are able to get all of those rich expressions and emotions onto paper when you write. Keep writing and publish our book.
I love your smile, and your lips...You are such a great mom. Keep loving our kids and training them and teaching them about everything. When you correct them, remember that it is a gift of love to our children just as cancer is a gift of love to us.
I love you so much. I wish I could embrace you right now. Know that I am with the Lord rejoicing and praising God without the pain of sickness. Go on living like normal. The Lord will take care of you and the kids. He is a faithful, loving Father.
"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
- Isaiah 41:10
-- Superman
Tuesday, March, 18, 2009
Dear Andrew David Mark,
I'm going to have surgery this Thursday and I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how much I love you. The Lord has blessed me with such an energetic and curious young boy. I hope to be able to see you grow up into a strong young man. You have such a tender heart towards other people and I can see it in the way you love your mom and your sister. Today Gracie was going up the steps into the mud room and she dropped her cup. Since she has difficulty going backwards on the steps and we were all waiting for Gracie to get out of the way, you reached down and got her cup and handed it to her with a big smile so that she could continue up the steps. I also love how you pay attention to details like when you were just 2 years old. I kept calling you "Superman" when you were wearing a Spiderman outfit, and you politely corrected me. Or the time I put you in the wrong car seat and you kept saying, "I want that one," pointing to your car seat on the other side of the car. You're always paying attention!
I also love how you have so much energy. You wake up early and play in your room. When Mama gets you up, you run downstairs and get a pull-up and run back up and put it on yourself. Today you had so much energy, you were running in circles downstairs from the kitchen to the living room, to the foyer and back to the kitchen.
I can already tell that you are a very talented person. Keep your head on straight and keep working hard even if things seem to come easily to you. Stay close to the Lord, and pray a lot. Take care of your mom and yours sister. Love you so much.
Proverbs 3:5-12
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones.
Honor the LORD from your wealth
And from the first of all your produce;
So your barns will be filled with plenty
And your vats will overflow with new wine.
My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD
or loathe his reproof,
for whom the LORD loves He reproves,
Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.
-- Papa
Dear Grace Olivia Mark,
You have always been a bundle of grace in my life. Since the day you were born, I could always look at you and know that God is good. The first time I got to cuddle with you in the hospital, I was so happy that the Lord had given us another child. You were such a tiny baby wrapped up that I was able to hold you with just one hand. I love your smiles and your sweet kisses. Whenever I ask for a kiss you always give me one right on the lips.
You love to cuddle and press your cheeks against mine. Just a few weeks ago we found out that my cancer was much worse than we expected. That morning you had just woken up and your mom was crying and I was feeling scared. I picked you up and you hugged me and clung to me in my lap for about half-an-hour and comforted me. Right now you are learning to talk and you make up your own words like, "Mapa," and "Dat Un," or "Down Er." Since you love to eat one of your favorite words is, "Mo-a."
Perhaps one day you will be a performer. You already love to dance and you've got a voice that carries. Most of all, love the Lord, and learn all you can from your wonderful Mama. The Lord has blessed you with a very special Mom to learn from. And if I'm not around, please remember that the Lord is your Father and your Husband. Keep close to Him and you will be satisfied. I love you.
Psalm 68:3-19
But let the righteous be glad; let them exult before God;
Yes, let them rejoice with gladness.
Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Lift up a song for Him who rides through the deserts,
Whose name is the LORD, and exult before Him.
A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
God makes a home for the lonely;
He leads out the prisoners into prosperity,
Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.
O God, when You went forth before Your people,
When You marched through the wilderness, Selah.
The earth quaked;
The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God;
Sinai itself quaked at the presence of God, the God of Isreal.
You shed abroad a plentiful rain, O God;
You confirmed Your inheritance when it was parched.
Your creatures settled in it;
You provided in Your goodness for the poor, O God.
-- Papa
Friday, April 10, 2009
Andrew's Two Month Letter
On April 7, 2002 Andrew was baptized at Grace Community Church in Los Angeles, declaring to all that he had turned from a life of sin and living for himself and instead had surrendered his life to Jesus, the One and only true God, Maker of heaven and earth.
April 7, 2009 marks two months after Andrew went to see His Savior face to face.
This is Andrew's last letter until the one year anniversary of his death.
April 7, 2009 marks two months after Andrew went to see His Savior face to face.
This is Andrew's last letter until the one year anniversary of his death.
2 months
Dear Grace,
His mercies are new every morning. Satisfy yourself in God’s great love for you through the gospel. You are accepted as a beloved child, and there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I’m sure life is still a little crazy, but if you are in despair just remember that this too will pass. You’ll get through each day one at a time. Keep a steady mindset, and put one foot in front of the other.
Remember to stay on top of training the children. Most importantly they need love, but sometimes love comes in the form of loving correction. Gracie most of all needs to know who is in authority. Now that I am no longer around, the children really need to see you take my place as the ultimate human authority in the household. You need to be intentional about having them submit to your authority, and ultimately God’s authority.
With regards to balancing everything that is on your plate you will need to really step back and trust God...You are not in the same situation as other women may be in where their entire job is devoted to caring for their children and husband's needs. You have now taken on a huge job of leading the family. You don’t know what that entails yet, but it is a lot of work... So we need to do things that will get the most bang for the buck in terms of time, money, effort and flexibility.
Firstly, you’ll need to pray and trust God that He will keep your bodies healthy and free of disease. However, He may afflict you or our kids anyways just as He did to Job...If you are reading this then we know that God has chosen to take me home at His appointed time, and we know that God is in control of your life as well....
AJ will continue to need male examples in his life, but I think hanging out with Noah and Billy [A.J.'s cousins] and being around people at church will suffice for now. As he grows older he should be proactive about spending time with the men in the youth ministry helping them out on a weekend or assisting in ministry activities. Gracie has lots to learn from you right in the home.
I love you will all my heart. Be strong and courageous.
-Your Love
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Focus
I miss Andrew a lot, but truly feel God sustaining me each day beyond anything I thought possible. Gracie, who will be 3 on the 27th, is the same, always strong, happy, fearless. (My mom always calls her the "Survivor." She did afterall survive a potty birth). AJ, who turned 4 in January, has fussy days and it's usually because he's missing his papa a lot. He was really close to Andrew. He's so sensitive, aware, and has an amazing memory. Most of the time, though, he's pretty happy, loves playing with all our different neighbors, who we've been getting to know a lot since we've been back from California, and going to his new preschool 3 mornings a week that I enrolled him in 2 weeks ago.
I'm really thankful for the times we have together at night before bed. I have a lot of heart-to-hearts with AJ, and the kids really need a lot of affection and reassurance right now. At age four, I think AJ is old enough to possibly remember a lot of Andrew. I keep praying the Lord will preserve his memories. The other night he mentioned his last birthday in California and asked if I had eaten any of his birthday cake.
I said yes.
He asked if papa had too.
I said no.
He asked why?
I said, Remember? He had a feeding tube, and I pointed to my stomach.
He said, "Yeah, and he used to have one too in his nose."
And I asked when.
And he said, "'A long long long long time ago."
He was right. A year ago for several weeks right after Andrew's surgery, he had a tube in his nose to feed through before he ever had a bigger one put into his stomach. AJ remembers a year ago!
In general, all day long AJ has various questions related to death and heaven. They have been constant opportunities to talk about so many different aspects of the Lord. How He is always good, always is with us, is everwhere, anywhere we are, yet is in heaven with papa. How He hates sin, and yet is forgiving, and we are incapable of obeying Him on our own, but through His Holy Spirit He can change our hearts to grow us more like Him. How He promises to be a Papa to the fatherless and will take care of us and we can trust Him. How He is yes, even bigger than Spiderman, and can rescue even those Spiderman cannot.
I feel as if God is really growing me through this difficult time. I feel more sensitive to spiritual things than ever before. When I hear a song on the radio that mentions eternity, I listen to the words intently, looking for truthful images, wonder if it's giving me a clue into what Andrew is seeing right now. Even if my private worship (my time in God's Word and prayer) was cut short a couple of times or I even missed it, I realize at Sunday worship that my mind has still been meditating on spiritual things most of the week, because it is so easy to worship God in song with all my heart and listen to the message without being distracted, though it has always been a much greater struggle in the past.
It as if any and everything during the day makes me think about how it looks to God, how He would see it and interpret it, what it has to do with heaven, eternity.
I feel as if everything has become very clear-cut, at least for the time-being, and my vision feels clear right now too. God uses searing pain to cause everything to come into focus.
The letters of Andrew
Andrew's letters have really shepherded me so much through this time. Reading his letters almost nightly the first month, all of which I have posted so far (at least the ones I'm supposed to read. There are still the 2 month, 1 year, 1st wedding anniversary without him, and a few others as well as for watershed events in the kids lives), have guided me how to structure my day, such as using the kids two-hour afternoon nap to take care of the onslaught of paper work related to his countless medical bills, changing names on all kinds of accounts, logistical things having to do with death or not having him here (...still goin' at it). Him telling me to take a realistic time during the day to work on all those things, plus telling me not to feel overwhelmed but to take things one step at a time, have truly protected me from feeling overwhelmed the first month. God also answered his prayer that it would be easy and fun for me to take care of all of those things, which truly shocked me, because I have always despised paper work, particularly when it's related to messed up bills and insurance companies. The Holy Spirit really must have given him the words to write, because how could he know what I was going to go through and know exactly just what I needed to hear?
I'm learning so much from Andrew's leadership in his letters, despite how proud and stubborn I always was when he was actually here. I find that I always forget little things he wrote in the letters, and so certain phrases become new to me again when I read them or strengthen me anew or refocus me.
I never could imagine life without Andrew, but somehow there is. I can't explain it. How I can miss someone that I love so much and yet still be okay. My only explanation is that the Lord is really helping me.
"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless." - Psalm 10:14
"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23).
I'm really thankful for the times we have together at night before bed. I have a lot of heart-to-hearts with AJ, and the kids really need a lot of affection and reassurance right now. At age four, I think AJ is old enough to possibly remember a lot of Andrew. I keep praying the Lord will preserve his memories. The other night he mentioned his last birthday in California and asked if I had eaten any of his birthday cake.
I said yes.
He asked if papa had too.
I said no.
He asked why?
I said, Remember? He had a feeding tube, and I pointed to my stomach.
He said, "Yeah, and he used to have one too in his nose."
And I asked when.
And he said, "'A long long long long time ago."
He was right. A year ago for several weeks right after Andrew's surgery, he had a tube in his nose to feed through before he ever had a bigger one put into his stomach. AJ remembers a year ago!
In general, all day long AJ has various questions related to death and heaven. They have been constant opportunities to talk about so many different aspects of the Lord. How He is always good, always is with us, is everwhere, anywhere we are, yet is in heaven with papa. How He hates sin, and yet is forgiving, and we are incapable of obeying Him on our own, but through His Holy Spirit He can change our hearts to grow us more like Him. How He promises to be a Papa to the fatherless and will take care of us and we can trust Him. How He is yes, even bigger than Spiderman, and can rescue even those Spiderman cannot.
I feel as if God is really growing me through this difficult time. I feel more sensitive to spiritual things than ever before. When I hear a song on the radio that mentions eternity, I listen to the words intently, looking for truthful images, wonder if it's giving me a clue into what Andrew is seeing right now. Even if my private worship (my time in God's Word and prayer) was cut short a couple of times or I even missed it, I realize at Sunday worship that my mind has still been meditating on spiritual things most of the week, because it is so easy to worship God in song with all my heart and listen to the message without being distracted, though it has always been a much greater struggle in the past.
It as if any and everything during the day makes me think about how it looks to God, how He would see it and interpret it, what it has to do with heaven, eternity.
I feel as if everything has become very clear-cut, at least for the time-being, and my vision feels clear right now too. God uses searing pain to cause everything to come into focus.
The letters of Andrew
Andrew's letters have really shepherded me so much through this time. Reading his letters almost nightly the first month, all of which I have posted so far (at least the ones I'm supposed to read. There are still the 2 month, 1 year, 1st wedding anniversary without him, and a few others as well as for watershed events in the kids lives), have guided me how to structure my day, such as using the kids two-hour afternoon nap to take care of the onslaught of paper work related to his countless medical bills, changing names on all kinds of accounts, logistical things having to do with death or not having him here (...still goin' at it). Him telling me to take a realistic time during the day to work on all those things, plus telling me not to feel overwhelmed but to take things one step at a time, have truly protected me from feeling overwhelmed the first month. God also answered his prayer that it would be easy and fun for me to take care of all of those things, which truly shocked me, because I have always despised paper work, particularly when it's related to messed up bills and insurance companies. The Holy Spirit really must have given him the words to write, because how could he know what I was going to go through and know exactly just what I needed to hear?
I'm learning so much from Andrew's leadership in his letters, despite how proud and stubborn I always was when he was actually here. I find that I always forget little things he wrote in the letters, and so certain phrases become new to me again when I read them or strengthen me anew or refocus me.
I never could imagine life without Andrew, but somehow there is. I can't explain it. How I can miss someone that I love so much and yet still be okay. My only explanation is that the Lord is really helping me.
"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless." - Psalm 10:14
Prayer Requests
- that I would be consistent in my private worship. that the Lord would refresh me each day and continue to sustain me as a single mom. The kids were sick this weekend, so I had to say no to some invitations. Being sequestered all weekend drove me a little crazy.
- (for the same requests as in the previous post)
Verse of the day"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23).
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Glory
After the whirlwind of Andrew's memorial service, I found that each day, I generally felt fine. During those times, I thought, this isn't so bad. If this is what it's like, then I don't see how we can't get through this. And then some time after dinner each night, I felt the complete opposite for an hour or two and wasn't sure if I would make it through the next minute. I was grateful, though, that at least there was relief each day for most of it. I had always expected my grief would be a suffocating dark cloud, relentless without any sunshine to pierce it. Yet, each day I could breathe. But when the misery took over after the kids were in bed, it was like trying to breathe through a contraction. Each day felt a little better, while the misery contractions at night felt a little worse.
One thing I was forced to learn from our battle with cancer, though, was that panic, or any strong emotion related to misery, was always passing and that one should never put any stock in it. Once the panic subsided, then one could evaluate the situation, see that it wasn't completely overwhelming, and that one could then take the next step, rather than collapse in frustration. So I would breathe and wait for the contraction to subside.
My mother stayed for an additional week after Andrew passed away and I would cry to her each night. She would reassure me that indeed God was in control and I could trust in Him and rub my back like I was a little girl again and I would feel better and fall asleep. It was strange, as if I had gone from being my mom's girl, while being Andrew's for a few years was a slight hiccup, and then went back to mom's girl.
Week 3 after Andrew's Homegoing
I had bought a bunkbed from Ikea with a full-size bed on the bottom. I thought I would sleep on the top bunk, while still have the option to cuddle with one of the kids on the bottom when I felt like it, while the other one slept on the toddler bed. In the end, the top bunk always seemed too lonely and the kids always insisted I stay on the bottom. Even though they took turns sleeping on the other toddler bed, by morning, all three of us usually ended up squished together in the bottom bunk.
I put the bunk bed in their room, so the room is not too big and real cozy. I retired to the room at the same time as the kids, so I didn't have to endure lonely nights by myself and no longer had the evening bouts of misery. Even though they were asleep, I still felt comforted by their presence at night. So I started to have my bouts of grief at unexpected times in the mid-morning or after lunch. I would burst out crying, missing Andrew. The kids would each run for the tissue box, insisting that I couldn't cry, bringing me wads of tissues, their offerings to me. I would have to suck it up and hold in my tears. Since I'm basically always with the kids, I really had no opportunity to cry.
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea.
- Psalm 46:1-2
When I am feeling okay, it's like standing behind the glass in an aquarium. It's really strange how it feels when I am doing okay. It is so opposite than when I'm sad. It feels very literally as if the Lord is shielding me from the onslaught of grief. When I remember the misery of the previous day, yet feel so perfectly calm and fine, it is like I am looking at that giant aquarium of water, watching the grey shark swim by, and wonder what was ever the danger of all that water to me when there is a glass wall between us.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
-Lamentations 3:22-23
I have been reading old journals of ours, trying to find some meaning, some bigger picture to the last six years. I find myself lost in Andrew's old journals that I had never read and in our old emails to each other. Reading his words make me feel like he's still human and just on the other side of a computer.
Through this trial, I have found that I don't always understand my feelings, but feel no obligation to have to be able to know what all of them are or have to explain or articulate them. But I have found that when I pray about my concerns, the Lord reveals to me what's on my heart. During small group one night when a few of us were praying together, I confessed to the Lord how I would rather read Andrew's journals than read the Bible. It suddenly came to mind then that the reason I hide myself in Andrew's journals are because I miss him so much. That may have seemed obvious but it wasn't to me until that moment. I had never known what it was to miss my husband for more than a week or to this degree. Tears gushed from my eyes.
Week 4
That rhythm of daily feeling fine with an afternoon interruption of weeping continued until last week when on a Monday I noticed from across the room some file folders in our bookshelves amidst all our books, rather than in our office. "Hm. I wonder what I'll discover there," I said. And then I found photos taken of us two days after our engagement when we had gone to Joshua Tree in California with a friend. I had seen these photos months ago, but they were the only ones I hadn't reviewed since Andrew passed away, because they weren't on our computer since someone else had taken them. Additionally, earlier that morning an old friend of Andrew's had posted a memory that he had with Andrew. I had heard the story a couple of times before, but this time he added a detail I had not heard. That memory along with our pictures, just brought those years of young, healthy Andrew so vividly to my mind. I missed Andrew's old goofiness that had faded in the months just before his cancer was discovered, when he first began to get increasingly tired and more pale.
I always wanted to know more of Andrew, hold his heart in my hand, be able to grasp his essence. I wanted to ask him questions. What was he thinking that hilarious day he carried that refrigerator up the stairs with his friend? Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more about you. I never could get enough of Andrew. I couldn't even get enough of his name or saying his name. I loved the feel of his name reverberating from my vocal chords. That's why we named A.J., Andrew Junior. I had always secretly hoped A.J. would want to use the name "Andrew" when he got a little older and his little friends could call him it. Now I'm so thankful we still have at least one Andrew here.
And so all last week, I kept playing music of Andrew's that he liked to listen to when we were first falling in love and then he began playing constantly again in the last weeks of his life. He used to listen to two Third Day CD's, Time and Come Together, over and over and over again during both those times in our lives. I never understood why he liked them so much. I liked how they sounded, but I never could follow all the lyrics, so I didn't always know what they were singing about, since either my mind would wonder or the words were slurred. I wanted to ask him what he liked so much about those songs. What resonated so much with him? Why didn't I ask him before? And yet, many times I did ask him questions like that. Often, he'd say he didn't know. And that's why I never could get enough of him. I read in one of his early journals when we were dating that he felt like I understood him often better than he understood himself. And still, it wasn't enough for me. I have always wanted to understand his heart and his mind more, even though he himself didn't know all the answers. I thought I would have the rest of our lives to discover him.
I would cry to the music as it played and I prepared breakfast for the kids or lunch or dinner. I wondered why I felt so compelled to stare at pictures of Andrew, play his music, and read beautiful journals about us falling in love if all it made me do was cry. And yet, as miserable as it was, I almost relished weeping for Andrew. I loved taking care of him when he was sick. It was hard, but the Lord gave me so much joy in it. I wanted to do anything for Andrew, and now if I can weep for him, then I am thankful to do that too.
When I was de-cluttering some piles of papers, I discovered a booklet from the funeral home about grief. It said that some people think that time heals a broken heart, but that it actually doesn't if you refuse to grieve. So it recommends looking at pictures of your loved one, playing music he liked, or writing your feelings about him. When I read that, I understood then what I had been doing all that week. It really helped to have that validation. My sister told me that in the Old Testament grieving was a form of worship to God. Along with weeping and tearing their clothes, at a funeral they would even hire professional wailers.
Week 5
This week, I still played music that reminded me of Andrew. Some healing must have taken place, though, because the past few days it hasn't made me cry anymore. I just like to hear it, think of him, and feel just fine.
I think about heaven all the time now, because that is where my love is, wondering what it is like there. Heaven is the intermediary state where we are spirit, awaiting Christ's return to earth when we shall all rise again with new bodies. I feel like I love Andrew even more now, because he is literally perfect now. He is literally without sin and that is how I think about him when I think about where he is now.
Having your marriage cut short so unexpectedly from what you had always assumed and witnessing your husband's life cut short forces you to see that there is only a veil between you and eternity. Life is so short, whether you die young or you have many more years. I will see Andrew soon. I know it. Maybe not Tuesday, but some Tuesday, some day after a breath of a life. And so it makes me return to my old feelings about life, before I had married and my devotion to the Lord was undivided ("But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband." - 1Cor. 7:34). That my hope cannot be in this world or this life or wasting it on a pursuit of comfort that always evades you anyway and never satisfies. Nothing is worth living for except for Christ. So if life is hard or painful, just submit to God, and let Him use those things to make you more like Him, because that is the only thing He is after - making you into His image for His own glory.
The significance of Andrew's life
Many of you have expressed how Andrew's life was inspirational. I imagine he would love for you to hear the 2nd message delivered eight days after his death and the dangers that come with finding Andrew's life inspirational:
Listen Online
Download (10.77MB)
Prayer Requests
- that I would live for Christ alone and allow Him to mold me into His image rather than resist even the everyday little trials
- that I would seek my satisfaction in Christ alone
- that I would be consistent with the children, firm, yet patient. God has called me to the impossible task of being a single mom to these children to teach them about Christ faithfully. But I think the fact that it is impossible is the point. Christ is always calling us to the impossible, which is why I cannot rely on myself but only on God with Whom nothing is impossible.
One thing I was forced to learn from our battle with cancer, though, was that panic, or any strong emotion related to misery, was always passing and that one should never put any stock in it. Once the panic subsided, then one could evaluate the situation, see that it wasn't completely overwhelming, and that one could then take the next step, rather than collapse in frustration. So I would breathe and wait for the contraction to subside.
My mother stayed for an additional week after Andrew passed away and I would cry to her each night. She would reassure me that indeed God was in control and I could trust in Him and rub my back like I was a little girl again and I would feel better and fall asleep. It was strange, as if I had gone from being my mom's girl, while being Andrew's for a few years was a slight hiccup, and then went back to mom's girl.
Week 3 after Andrew's Homegoing
I had bought a bunkbed from Ikea with a full-size bed on the bottom. I thought I would sleep on the top bunk, while still have the option to cuddle with one of the kids on the bottom when I felt like it, while the other one slept on the toddler bed. In the end, the top bunk always seemed too lonely and the kids always insisted I stay on the bottom. Even though they took turns sleeping on the other toddler bed, by morning, all three of us usually ended up squished together in the bottom bunk.
I put the bunk bed in their room, so the room is not too big and real cozy. I retired to the room at the same time as the kids, so I didn't have to endure lonely nights by myself and no longer had the evening bouts of misery. Even though they were asleep, I still felt comforted by their presence at night. So I started to have my bouts of grief at unexpected times in the mid-morning or after lunch. I would burst out crying, missing Andrew. The kids would each run for the tissue box, insisting that I couldn't cry, bringing me wads of tissues, their offerings to me. I would have to suck it up and hold in my tears. Since I'm basically always with the kids, I really had no opportunity to cry.
I still had to have my daily cries, even if they were only allowed to last a minute or two a couple of times in the afternoon. The kids are used to it now and no longer demand an explanation. They don't even turn from their toys all the time to overload me with tissues.
After the kids were in bed, I read for awhile, and usually fell asleep by 10. Not wanting to wake them up, I set my alarm for the latest possible time the kids might still be sleeping, assuming that I went to bed so early that I would probably be waking up way before them on my own. Not so. Grief is quite exhausting, especially if you're not allowed to express it as much as you would like to. I always woke up at the same time as them.
When I am missing Andrew, it feels so unreal that he could actually be gone. Like I'll glance a picture of him, see his familiar face, and realize, I had looked at it thousands of times, the slope of his nose, the angles of his jaw, his wide, almond eyes, the width of his cheeks. I'll think, How could he not be here anymore? He was just here. Three weeks ago. He was just here and I could look at that face any time I wanted as much as I wanted, so much and for so long, over and over day in and day out, that face, and that I thought I would always look at it. It's like saying you will never see the blue sky again. Or ever see another tree for the rest of your life. Like the mountains have fallen into the sea.
Like when some people in the World Trade Center on Sept. 11th got stuck in the elevators, collapsed down to the bottom floor and survived, but when they climbed out of the elevators, they thought they had died because they recognized nothing. The lobby was gone, ash and rubble floated everywhere like a thick fog. On the street, nothing was the same, and how could they ever imagine Manhatten could ever be recovered, restored, or look like it did just earlier that morning ever again. At that moment, the world that they had always known, was just, gone.
After the kids were in bed, I read for awhile, and usually fell asleep by 10. Not wanting to wake them up, I set my alarm for the latest possible time the kids might still be sleeping, assuming that I went to bed so early that I would probably be waking up way before them on my own. Not so. Grief is quite exhausting, especially if you're not allowed to express it as much as you would like to. I always woke up at the same time as them.
When I am missing Andrew, it feels so unreal that he could actually be gone. Like I'll glance a picture of him, see his familiar face, and realize, I had looked at it thousands of times, the slope of his nose, the angles of his jaw, his wide, almond eyes, the width of his cheeks. I'll think, How could he not be here anymore? He was just here. Three weeks ago. He was just here and I could look at that face any time I wanted as much as I wanted, so much and for so long, over and over day in and day out, that face, and that I thought I would always look at it. It's like saying you will never see the blue sky again. Or ever see another tree for the rest of your life. Like the mountains have fallen into the sea.
Like when some people in the World Trade Center on Sept. 11th got stuck in the elevators, collapsed down to the bottom floor and survived, but when they climbed out of the elevators, they thought they had died because they recognized nothing. The lobby was gone, ash and rubble floated everywhere like a thick fog. On the street, nothing was the same, and how could they ever imagine Manhatten could ever be recovered, restored, or look like it did just earlier that morning ever again. At that moment, the world that they had always known, was just, gone.
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea.
- Psalm 46:1-2
When I am feeling okay, it's like standing behind the glass in an aquarium. It's really strange how it feels when I am doing okay. It is so opposite than when I'm sad. It feels very literally as if the Lord is shielding me from the onslaught of grief. When I remember the misery of the previous day, yet feel so perfectly calm and fine, it is like I am looking at that giant aquarium of water, watching the grey shark swim by, and wonder what was ever the danger of all that water to me when there is a glass wall between us.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
-Lamentations 3:22-23
I have been reading old journals of ours, trying to find some meaning, some bigger picture to the last six years. I find myself lost in Andrew's old journals that I had never read and in our old emails to each other. Reading his words make me feel like he's still human and just on the other side of a computer.
Through this trial, I have found that I don't always understand my feelings, but feel no obligation to have to be able to know what all of them are or have to explain or articulate them. But I have found that when I pray about my concerns, the Lord reveals to me what's on my heart. During small group one night when a few of us were praying together, I confessed to the Lord how I would rather read Andrew's journals than read the Bible. It suddenly came to mind then that the reason I hide myself in Andrew's journals are because I miss him so much. That may have seemed obvious but it wasn't to me until that moment. I had never known what it was to miss my husband for more than a week or to this degree. Tears gushed from my eyes.
Week 4
That rhythm of daily feeling fine with an afternoon interruption of weeping continued until last week when on a Monday I noticed from across the room some file folders in our bookshelves amidst all our books, rather than in our office. "Hm. I wonder what I'll discover there," I said. And then I found photos taken of us two days after our engagement when we had gone to Joshua Tree in California with a friend. I had seen these photos months ago, but they were the only ones I hadn't reviewed since Andrew passed away, because they weren't on our computer since someone else had taken them. Additionally, earlier that morning an old friend of Andrew's had posted a memory that he had with Andrew. I had heard the story a couple of times before, but this time he added a detail I had not heard. That memory along with our pictures, just brought those years of young, healthy Andrew so vividly to my mind. I missed Andrew's old goofiness that had faded in the months just before his cancer was discovered, when he first began to get increasingly tired and more pale.
I always wanted to know more of Andrew, hold his heart in my hand, be able to grasp his essence. I wanted to ask him questions. What was he thinking that hilarious day he carried that refrigerator up the stairs with his friend? Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more about you. I never could get enough of Andrew. I couldn't even get enough of his name or saying his name. I loved the feel of his name reverberating from my vocal chords. That's why we named A.J., Andrew Junior. I had always secretly hoped A.J. would want to use the name "Andrew" when he got a little older and his little friends could call him it. Now I'm so thankful we still have at least one Andrew here.
And so all last week, I kept playing music of Andrew's that he liked to listen to when we were first falling in love and then he began playing constantly again in the last weeks of his life. He used to listen to two Third Day CD's, Time and Come Together, over and over and over again during both those times in our lives. I never understood why he liked them so much. I liked how they sounded, but I never could follow all the lyrics, so I didn't always know what they were singing about, since either my mind would wonder or the words were slurred. I wanted to ask him what he liked so much about those songs. What resonated so much with him? Why didn't I ask him before? And yet, many times I did ask him questions like that. Often, he'd say he didn't know. And that's why I never could get enough of him. I read in one of his early journals when we were dating that he felt like I understood him often better than he understood himself. And still, it wasn't enough for me. I have always wanted to understand his heart and his mind more, even though he himself didn't know all the answers. I thought I would have the rest of our lives to discover him.
I would cry to the music as it played and I prepared breakfast for the kids or lunch or dinner. I wondered why I felt so compelled to stare at pictures of Andrew, play his music, and read beautiful journals about us falling in love if all it made me do was cry. And yet, as miserable as it was, I almost relished weeping for Andrew. I loved taking care of him when he was sick. It was hard, but the Lord gave me so much joy in it. I wanted to do anything for Andrew, and now if I can weep for him, then I am thankful to do that too.
When I was de-cluttering some piles of papers, I discovered a booklet from the funeral home about grief. It said that some people think that time heals a broken heart, but that it actually doesn't if you refuse to grieve. So it recommends looking at pictures of your loved one, playing music he liked, or writing your feelings about him. When I read that, I understood then what I had been doing all that week. It really helped to have that validation. My sister told me that in the Old Testament grieving was a form of worship to God. Along with weeping and tearing their clothes, at a funeral they would even hire professional wailers.
Week 5
This week, I still played music that reminded me of Andrew. Some healing must have taken place, though, because the past few days it hasn't made me cry anymore. I just like to hear it, think of him, and feel just fine.
I think about heaven all the time now, because that is where my love is, wondering what it is like there. Heaven is the intermediary state where we are spirit, awaiting Christ's return to earth when we shall all rise again with new bodies. I feel like I love Andrew even more now, because he is literally perfect now. He is literally without sin and that is how I think about him when I think about where he is now.
Having your marriage cut short so unexpectedly from what you had always assumed and witnessing your husband's life cut short forces you to see that there is only a veil between you and eternity. Life is so short, whether you die young or you have many more years. I will see Andrew soon. I know it. Maybe not Tuesday, but some Tuesday, some day after a breath of a life. And so it makes me return to my old feelings about life, before I had married and my devotion to the Lord was undivided ("But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband." - 1Cor. 7:34). That my hope cannot be in this world or this life or wasting it on a pursuit of comfort that always evades you anyway and never satisfies. Nothing is worth living for except for Christ. So if life is hard or painful, just submit to God, and let Him use those things to make you more like Him, because that is the only thing He is after - making you into His image for His own glory.
The significance of Andrew's life
Many of you have expressed how Andrew's life was inspirational. I imagine he would love for you to hear the 2nd message delivered eight days after his death and the dangers that come with finding Andrew's life inspirational:
Listen Online
Download (10.77MB)
Prayer Requests
- that I would live for Christ alone and allow Him to mold me into His image rather than resist even the everyday little trials
- that I would seek my satisfaction in Christ alone
- that I would be consistent with the children, firm, yet patient. God has called me to the impossible task of being a single mom to these children to teach them about Christ faithfully. But I think the fact that it is impossible is the point. Christ is always calling us to the impossible, which is why I cannot rely on myself but only on God with Whom nothing is impossible.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Andrew's Letters 2-4
This week has probably been the hardest so far, as Monday I discovered some pictures from when Andrew and I and a friend went to Joshua Tree two days after Andrew and I were engaged. I would do anything to have Andrew back.
A.J. loves for me to read Andrew's letters to him and Gracie before bed. I haven't had a chance to post Andrew's letters from Days 2 through 4. They were short, so I'll post them all together:
Day 2
Dear Beloved,
I love you so much. Stay strong and be courageous. May Christ satisfy you today.
Ps 31:10-12
Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Love,
Me
P.S. XxooXoxXXoooXxxXox
Day 3
Dear Lover,
Just a quick note to tell you that I love you and that I'm not in pain anymore. Remember to rejoice in all things today. By the way, you're beautiful.
"Rejoice in the Lord, again I will say rejoice. "
The Lord will lead you just as He did the Israelites through the wilderness. Ex 13:21 "The LORD was going before them in a pillar of cloud by day to lead them on the way, and in a pillar of fire by night to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night."
Day 4
Dear Grace,
I love you so much. I wish I could be there with you to know how you are doing. I trust that God is upholding you and others through this time. Be strong and courageous. The Lord will lead you to victory. Remember my favorite song?
E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream
Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme,
And shall be ’til I die.
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave,
Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save.
Your best friend,
Andrew
A.J. loves for me to read Andrew's letters to him and Gracie before bed. I haven't had a chance to post Andrew's letters from Days 2 through 4. They were short, so I'll post them all together:
Day 2
Dear Beloved,
I love you so much. Stay strong and be courageous. May Christ satisfy you today.
Ps 31:10-12
Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Love,
Me
P.S. XxooXoxXXoooXxxXox
Day 3
Dear Lover,
Just a quick note to tell you that I love you and that I'm not in pain anymore. Remember to rejoice in all things today. By the way, you're beautiful.
"Rejoice in the Lord, again I will say rejoice. "
The Lord will lead you just as He did the Israelites through the wilderness. Ex 13:21 "The LORD was going before them in a pillar of cloud by day to lead them on the way, and in a pillar of fire by night to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night."
Day 4
Dear Grace,
I love you so much. I wish I could be there with you to know how you are doing. I trust that God is upholding you and others through this time. Be strong and courageous. The Lord will lead you to victory. Remember my favorite song?
E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream
Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme,
And shall be ’til I die.
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave,
Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save.
Your best friend,
Andrew
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Andrew's Two Week Letter
Sorry for the reticence. I haven't had a computer this week. The Lord continues to sustain and comfort me. Andrew's letters get me re-focused whenever I start to fall off kilter. I will post when I have a chance. For now, here is Andrew's 2 Week letter:
2 Weeks
Dearest Beloved,
I love you. Remember that time when we went hiking in the mountains before going to the Clark’s house for dinner? That was like our second or third day dating. You must have been so happy that you didn’t realize that you were hopping and skipping along on slush and ice on the edge of a steep hill that dropped almost straight down. The path was only about 1.5 feet wide, but you didn’t care. You were practically in heaven. I was actually quite impressed with you that day because you seemed fearless and confident with each step you took. The Lord kept us safe that day, gave us a wonderful date, and even provided somebody to jumpstart my car just as it was getting dark. The Lord always takes care of us doesn't He? I want you to be fearless like you were on that date in the mountains. Don't look down, just keep your eyes focused on what's just ahead and you'll do just fine.
I’m not here to lead you, anchor you, and balance you in person anymore. But since you know me so well, step back and think about how we would work as a team in each tough situation you find yourself in. Be affectionate with the kids and remember to keep pointing them to God. If they seem to get out of control more since I'm not around anymore as the authority figure you will have to step in and take my place as the highest human authority in our home. Also, remember that they need clear boundaries more than ever before.
2 Weeks
Dearest Beloved,
I love you. Remember that time when we went hiking in the mountains before going to the Clark’s house for dinner? That was like our second or third day dating. You must have been so happy that you didn’t realize that you were hopping and skipping along on slush and ice on the edge of a steep hill that dropped almost straight down. The path was only about 1.5 feet wide, but you didn’t care. You were practically in heaven. I was actually quite impressed with you that day because you seemed fearless and confident with each step you took. The Lord kept us safe that day, gave us a wonderful date, and even provided somebody to jumpstart my car just as it was getting dark. The Lord always takes care of us doesn't He? I want you to be fearless like you were on that date in the mountains. Don't look down, just keep your eyes focused on what's just ahead and you'll do just fine.
I’m not here to lead you, anchor you, and balance you in person anymore. But since you know me so well, step back and think about how we would work as a team in each tough situation you find yourself in. Be affectionate with the kids and remember to keep pointing them to God. If they seem to get out of control more since I'm not around anymore as the authority figure you will have to step in and take my place as the highest human authority in our home. Also, remember that they need clear boundaries more than ever before.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Your Kindness
I wanted to thank all of you for the comfort and encouragement you all have been to me, as well as to Andrew when he was still living, through all your notes, comments, physical help, the list is endless. I can't express how much strength I draw from all of your encouragement.
Thank you so much also to the many of you who felt compelled to give to A.J. and Gracie's fund. Many of you have been asking for more information on the fund. I met with some of the elders from the church last night, and we are still in discussion about what kind of fund we are going to set up. Perhaps something like a trust that they could use for college or something in the future. It still appears that checks are coming in, so our decision is largely going to depend on how much they total in the end. Many of you have expressed an interest in still giving to the fund, so here is the information.
Please make checks out to:
Redeemer Bible Church
Please put "A.J. and Gracie's fund" in the memo line
16205 Hwy 7
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Also, it is going to take a few weeks to get the video recording of Andrew's memorial service up. I really loved it and I hope we can share it with you, since it included some of Andrew's favorite songs. In the mean time, the audio from Andrew's memorial service is available here:
Part 1 - Invocation
Part 2 - Phillippians 1:12-21
Part 3 - Letter from the Doctor
Part 4 - Personal Remembrances
Part 5 - Personal Remembrances
Part 6 - Personal Remembrances
Part 7 - Personal Remembrances
Part 8 - A Letter from Andrew
Part 9 - Romans 8:28-39
Part 10 - Ministry of the Word
Part 11 - Benediction
Thank you so much also to the many of you who felt compelled to give to A.J. and Gracie's fund. Many of you have been asking for more information on the fund. I met with some of the elders from the church last night, and we are still in discussion about what kind of fund we are going to set up. Perhaps something like a trust that they could use for college or something in the future. It still appears that checks are coming in, so our decision is largely going to depend on how much they total in the end. Many of you have expressed an interest in still giving to the fund, so here is the information.
Please make checks out to:
Redeemer Bible Church
Please put "A.J. and Gracie's fund" in the memo line
16205 Hwy 7
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Also, it is going to take a few weeks to get the video recording of Andrew's memorial service up. I really loved it and I hope we can share it with you, since it included some of Andrew's favorite songs. In the mean time, the audio from Andrew's memorial service is available here:
Part 1 - Invocation
Part 2 - Phillippians 1:12-21
Part 3 - Letter from the Doctor
Part 4 - Personal Remembrances
Part 5 - Personal Remembrances
Part 6 - Personal Remembrances
Part 7 - Personal Remembrances
Part 8 - A Letter from Andrew
Part 9 - Romans 8:28-39
Part 10 - Ministry of the Word
Part 11 - Benediction
Monday, February 16, 2009
Home
Pipers
At church yesterday, the last song we sang at church was about heaven. I pictured Andrew in heaven singing something akin to what we were singing. This made me weep. My sister tapped me on the back after the song ended and introduced me to Noel Piper. John and Noel Piper happened to be visiting our church for the first time, since Dr. Piper is on writing leave from his church and Minneapolis is only a half-hour from us. I did not know at all that they were at the church and was very shocked to be meeting her. All I could do was blubber. The Pipers had eaten dinner with my sister and brother-in-law for the first time at our house while we were in California back in November, because my sister's kitchen was being remodeled. Noel thanked me for that and said that at least in that small way they had a connection to Andrew. I simply wept and blubbered, "No, thank you for eating in my house."
A few minutes later, after I had composed myself, I shook hands with John Piper for the first time. I told him how during Andrew's last months we had listened to his sermons on Job and suffering repeatedly and how it had greatly helped and ministered to us. I said how Andrew would have considered it a great honor to meet him right then because of how Piper had impacted his life, since Andrew had a collection of his sermons that he had listened to over the years.
Later, when I told my brother-in-law about my encounter with Piper, I said, "I'm not going to feel bad, though, that Andrew missed out on that, because he's meeting with Someone way better right now."
The first week without him
Andrew was right in the letter I last posted ("Day 1") that God would give me strength I never dreamed of when he left us. I never knew it was possible to truly rejoice that your beloved was in the presence of Jesus, while mourning at the same time, for even that rejoicing to supercede your mourning.
Even though I fought his death tooth and nail, when we were finally in the hospital, the truth that the number of his days had been written before time was so real to me and such a comfort to me. I know that all the peace and thankfulness for the time I had had with Andrew was totally supernatural and not of myself.
In the following days, I was surrounded by Andrew's family as well as mine and all our relatives. I'm so thankful to all our relatives who came out to be with us during that time. It was such a comfort to me to see everyone.
Andrew's brother and sister and parents were staying in our house. As we stayed up late working on Andrew's slideshow and putting together collages of his pictures, it felt so good to look at hundreds of pictures of Andrew when he was still healthy and cancer had not yet invaded our lives. It was so fun to be able to say whatever flew into my head at the moment, while I still was processing my feelings. I'd exclaim, "I love Andrew so much!" and have someone to hear me say it. Or I'd say, "Andrew is so handsome!" and Andrew's sister's husband would say, "Yeah, he's a stud."
We still talked so much about Andrew and in the present tense, his pictures so clear and vivid, it felt like he had never left and that maybe he was just resting in his room, as he always was in recent months.
On the Wednesday evening of Andrew's memorial service as all our relatives were at our house for dinner, I began to feel anxious about what I was going to do after the mass exodus of all our relatives that evening. It was Day 5, so I read his letter for that day:
Dear Grace,
Don't fear the future. Just take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Keep the big picture of God's glory in mind. Continue to serve Him by being faithful in the little things. Faithful with your time and energy. Smile at the future, the best is yet to come!
"Prov 31:25 Strength and dignity are her clothing And she smiles at the future."
Let me pray with you...Dear Lord, I thank you so much for Grace and the kids. Thank you that we got to have each other for as long we we did. Thank you for your hand which has upheld our family through thick and thin. Thank you that you will never leave us or forsake us. Thank you that you love us so much and want us to know Christ so intimately that you would take me home a little sooner than others. We beg of you to take care of this family and be a father and a husband to them. I pray that they would know your closeness in times of loneliness, and that they would run to you for their satisfaction rather than other people, movies, Internet or other things. Please help Grace to be able to handle leading this home without me. Help her to learn and do the jobs that I used to do. Please make it easy and fun for her. Please bring joy and laughter into this home, and turn their mourning to dancing. Amen.
Love you.
Week two without him
Andrew's mom and my mom are still here. As everyone else has left, each day has felt a little lonelier. Last night I dreamed about Andrew for the first time. He was dressed up a little bit wearing a blue button-down shirt of his that I liked and black pants. He was standing up tall and straight, his old weight, not skinny, like he used to in his healthy pictures. We were in Target together shopping for new bedsheets, but they told us they didn't sell them. I wondered around the store feeling so confused, swearing that they always had sold them in the past. I hugged him and told him I missed him. I thought someone else had died, then realized that he had never been healed of cancer, so he would have to die anyway. The new bedsheets were to replace the ones that had been stained and destroyed when he had his first bleed.
I woke up having to reassure myself that the last six years was not a dream and that what we had was real. A.J. woke up next to me screaming. I comforted him and said, uncertain why he was even crying, "You know that Papa loves you so much, right?"
He said, "No."
I said, "Yes, he does."
He said, "No, but I don't know that he does."
I continued to reassure him. Somehow A.J. often seems to say out loud what I'm thinking too. I had to whisper to myself that indeed Andrew did love me, even though I wasn't feeling like it.
I went to small group last night and was reminded again how Andrew's suffering and death truly has affected people, which emphasizes for me that this had been the Lord's plan all along and brings me joy. As the days go on and I forget how much Andrew suffered and instead stare at pictures of when he was perfect and healthy, it begins to hurt more that he is gone and the relief that he is no longer in pain is lost. When the reality of how much his suffering and death has impacted people does not confront me as loudly, my joy also dissipates and grief replaces it.
I think it was Jonathan Edwards who described his marriage with Sarah as an "uncommon union." Even though our marriage was far from perfect (mostly because of me) that's what I think of what Andrew and I had (mostly because of him). I felt so accepted and cherished by Andrew.
When I met him in the fall of 2001, seeing him felt like coming home for the first time (even though I didn't even know him and he was completely unaware of it). When I consider living in our home without the very one who made it home, I am perplexed. But then I remember what he said, "Just take it one day at a time." And I remember how God sustained me that first week and continues to shield me from overwhelming grief. That it hasn't been nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. And as Piper always says, if God has always proven faithful, then we can be reassured that He will continue to be faithful.
At church yesterday, the last song we sang at church was about heaven. I pictured Andrew in heaven singing something akin to what we were singing. This made me weep. My sister tapped me on the back after the song ended and introduced me to Noel Piper. John and Noel Piper happened to be visiting our church for the first time, since Dr. Piper is on writing leave from his church and Minneapolis is only a half-hour from us. I did not know at all that they were at the church and was very shocked to be meeting her. All I could do was blubber. The Pipers had eaten dinner with my sister and brother-in-law for the first time at our house while we were in California back in November, because my sister's kitchen was being remodeled. Noel thanked me for that and said that at least in that small way they had a connection to Andrew. I simply wept and blubbered, "No, thank you for eating in my house."
A few minutes later, after I had composed myself, I shook hands with John Piper for the first time. I told him how during Andrew's last months we had listened to his sermons on Job and suffering repeatedly and how it had greatly helped and ministered to us. I said how Andrew would have considered it a great honor to meet him right then because of how Piper had impacted his life, since Andrew had a collection of his sermons that he had listened to over the years.
Later, when I told my brother-in-law about my encounter with Piper, I said, "I'm not going to feel bad, though, that Andrew missed out on that, because he's meeting with Someone way better right now."
The first week without him
Andrew was right in the letter I last posted ("Day 1") that God would give me strength I never dreamed of when he left us. I never knew it was possible to truly rejoice that your beloved was in the presence of Jesus, while mourning at the same time, for even that rejoicing to supercede your mourning.
Even though I fought his death tooth and nail, when we were finally in the hospital, the truth that the number of his days had been written before time was so real to me and such a comfort to me. I know that all the peace and thankfulness for the time I had had with Andrew was totally supernatural and not of myself.
In the following days, I was surrounded by Andrew's family as well as mine and all our relatives. I'm so thankful to all our relatives who came out to be with us during that time. It was such a comfort to me to see everyone.
Andrew's brother and sister and parents were staying in our house. As we stayed up late working on Andrew's slideshow and putting together collages of his pictures, it felt so good to look at hundreds of pictures of Andrew when he was still healthy and cancer had not yet invaded our lives. It was so fun to be able to say whatever flew into my head at the moment, while I still was processing my feelings. I'd exclaim, "I love Andrew so much!" and have someone to hear me say it. Or I'd say, "Andrew is so handsome!" and Andrew's sister's husband would say, "Yeah, he's a stud."
We still talked so much about Andrew and in the present tense, his pictures so clear and vivid, it felt like he had never left and that maybe he was just resting in his room, as he always was in recent months.
On the Wednesday evening of Andrew's memorial service as all our relatives were at our house for dinner, I began to feel anxious about what I was going to do after the mass exodus of all our relatives that evening. It was Day 5, so I read his letter for that day:
Dear Grace,
Don't fear the future. Just take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Keep the big picture of God's glory in mind. Continue to serve Him by being faithful in the little things. Faithful with your time and energy. Smile at the future, the best is yet to come!
"Prov 31:25 Strength and dignity are her clothing And she smiles at the future."
Let me pray with you...Dear Lord, I thank you so much for Grace and the kids. Thank you that we got to have each other for as long we we did. Thank you for your hand which has upheld our family through thick and thin. Thank you that you will never leave us or forsake us. Thank you that you love us so much and want us to know Christ so intimately that you would take me home a little sooner than others. We beg of you to take care of this family and be a father and a husband to them. I pray that they would know your closeness in times of loneliness, and that they would run to you for their satisfaction rather than other people, movies, Internet or other things. Please help Grace to be able to handle leading this home without me. Help her to learn and do the jobs that I used to do. Please make it easy and fun for her. Please bring joy and laughter into this home, and turn their mourning to dancing. Amen.
Love you.
Week two without him
Andrew's mom and my mom are still here. As everyone else has left, each day has felt a little lonelier. Last night I dreamed about Andrew for the first time. He was dressed up a little bit wearing a blue button-down shirt of his that I liked and black pants. He was standing up tall and straight, his old weight, not skinny, like he used to in his healthy pictures. We were in Target together shopping for new bedsheets, but they told us they didn't sell them. I wondered around the store feeling so confused, swearing that they always had sold them in the past. I hugged him and told him I missed him. I thought someone else had died, then realized that he had never been healed of cancer, so he would have to die anyway. The new bedsheets were to replace the ones that had been stained and destroyed when he had his first bleed.
I woke up having to reassure myself that the last six years was not a dream and that what we had was real. A.J. woke up next to me screaming. I comforted him and said, uncertain why he was even crying, "You know that Papa loves you so much, right?"
He said, "No."
I said, "Yes, he does."
He said, "No, but I don't know that he does."
I continued to reassure him. Somehow A.J. often seems to say out loud what I'm thinking too. I had to whisper to myself that indeed Andrew did love me, even though I wasn't feeling like it.
I went to small group last night and was reminded again how Andrew's suffering and death truly has affected people, which emphasizes for me that this had been the Lord's plan all along and brings me joy. As the days go on and I forget how much Andrew suffered and instead stare at pictures of when he was perfect and healthy, it begins to hurt more that he is gone and the relief that he is no longer in pain is lost. When the reality of how much his suffering and death has impacted people does not confront me as loudly, my joy also dissipates and grief replaces it.
I think it was Jonathan Edwards who described his marriage with Sarah as an "uncommon union." Even though our marriage was far from perfect (mostly because of me) that's what I think of what Andrew and I had (mostly because of him). I felt so accepted and cherished by Andrew.
When I met him in the fall of 2001, seeing him felt like coming home for the first time (even though I didn't even know him and he was completely unaware of it). When I consider living in our home without the very one who made it home, I am perplexed. But then I remember what he said, "Just take it one day at a time." And I remember how God sustained me that first week and continues to shield me from overwhelming grief. That it hasn't been nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. And as Piper always says, if God has always proven faithful, then we can be reassured that He will continue to be faithful.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Letters
Andrew wrote letters for me to read the first five days after he left us, as well as at 2 weeks, 2 months, and for the watershed moments for mine and the kids lives. I read one tonight to the kids. I thought I would share them also with you.
Day 1
My beloved,
Rejoice because God’s mercies are new every morning. Rejoice because I’m not in pain anymore. Rejoice because God is faithful and will never leave you or forsake you.
I believe that right now God is going to give you strength you never dreamed of. Our God will not only comfort you, He will lead you and take care of you like a father does.
I know there are many things that need to be done. Don’t feel overwhelmed, just take it one moment at a time. Perhaps you might return to a normal routine as soon as possible with the kids and take a portion of your day such as nap time to take care of some of these things. God has been growing you so much with not being overwhelmed. I trust that you will be able to mentally and emotionally put one foot in front of the other. Stay strong. What would Andrew do right now? I would be steady, stable and strong. I see that strength and steadiness coming through in you as you've had to trust more and more in the Lord during these difficult times. I love you.
You could sleep in the same room with the kids and enjoy them. Don't let them mourn. Let them just be happy to know that papa doesn’t have cancer anymore. God answered their prayers from then they were just 2.5 and 3.5. AJ said that he didn't want Papa to have cancer anymore. I would love to see them run around saying "Papa doesn't have owies anymore. Papa doesn't have cancer anymore. He is with Jesus!".
Deut 31:6 " Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
Oh yeah, and don't forget to eat!
Love you!
-Your Beloved
Day 1
My beloved,
Rejoice because God’s mercies are new every morning. Rejoice because I’m not in pain anymore. Rejoice because God is faithful and will never leave you or forsake you.
I believe that right now God is going to give you strength you never dreamed of. Our God will not only comfort you, He will lead you and take care of you like a father does.
I know there are many things that need to be done. Don’t feel overwhelmed, just take it one moment at a time. Perhaps you might return to a normal routine as soon as possible with the kids and take a portion of your day such as nap time to take care of some of these things. God has been growing you so much with not being overwhelmed. I trust that you will be able to mentally and emotionally put one foot in front of the other. Stay strong. What would Andrew do right now? I would be steady, stable and strong. I see that strength and steadiness coming through in you as you've had to trust more and more in the Lord during these difficult times. I love you.
You could sleep in the same room with the kids and enjoy them. Don't let them mourn. Let them just be happy to know that papa doesn’t have cancer anymore. God answered their prayers from then they were just 2.5 and 3.5. AJ said that he didn't want Papa to have cancer anymore. I would love to see them run around saying "Papa doesn't have owies anymore. Papa doesn't have cancer anymore. He is with Jesus!".
Deut 31:6 " Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
Oh yeah, and don't forget to eat!
Love you!
-Your Beloved
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Funeral/Blog Letter after Passing
A brisk fall afternoon, the bright red and yellow leaves are falling from the trees at Round Lake Park, the sun is shining, I can feel the cool fresh air entering my lungs with every breath. I smell garlic and homemade Italian food in the wind. For you maybe it's a spring day and the flowers are blooming, or it's Christmas and the snow is falling and you are sitting with a warm mug of coffee by the fire. It's at those seemingly perfect moments that you know this all didn't happen by chance. It is not by chance that the leaves turn red in the fall, and it is not by chance that I'm not standing here reading this letter to you now.
After all the suffering I have seen thus far, there are only two things that I know are true. That I love my wife and kids so much, and that God loves me infinitely more than that. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all who have loved, served, and prayed for us. I am so very sorry to leave you all behind, but at the same time I am so happy to be home with my Maker. Everything that I love about the fall and the leaves and the fresh air and Italian cooking in the wind, pales in comparison with what it is like in the presence of Jesus. I have not eaten in a very long time, but know that I hunger no more. There is no more pain or suffering, no more tears or sorrow.
Grace, AJ, and Gracie, know that God holds you in the palm of His hand especiallly now. Jesus will lead, guide, and protect you. I am confident that your mourning will turn to dancing.
Fight for joy in this. Rejoice because cancer can kill my body but it cannot kill my soul. Rejoice because my greatest sickness was cured in 2001 at the age of 20 when I believed that Jesus could forgive such great sins as mine. Rejoice because even through sickness and death God has done great things in my life, and yours. Rejoice because this is not the end, it is just the beginning.
Rejoice! Again I say rejoice!
I will see many of you soon.
Andrew W. Mark
After all the suffering I have seen thus far, there are only two things that I know are true. That I love my wife and kids so much, and that God loves me infinitely more than that. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all who have loved, served, and prayed for us. I am so very sorry to leave you all behind, but at the same time I am so happy to be home with my Maker. Everything that I love about the fall and the leaves and the fresh air and Italian cooking in the wind, pales in comparison with what it is like in the presence of Jesus. I have not eaten in a very long time, but know that I hunger no more. There is no more pain or suffering, no more tears or sorrow.
Grace, AJ, and Gracie, know that God holds you in the palm of His hand especiallly now. Jesus will lead, guide, and protect you. I am confident that your mourning will turn to dancing.
Fight for joy in this. Rejoice because cancer can kill my body but it cannot kill my soul. Rejoice because my greatest sickness was cured in 2001 at the age of 20 when I believed that Jesus could forgive such great sins as mine. Rejoice because even through sickness and death God has done great things in my life, and yours. Rejoice because this is not the end, it is just the beginning.
Rejoice! Again I say rejoice!
I will see many of you soon.
Andrew W. Mark
Beloved's Suffering and Death Has Gone National
Wow. You can download today's national broadcast about Andrew's death on Way of the Master with Todd Friel here: http://www.wretchedradio.com/podcast.cfm?pid=194.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Way of the Master
Pastor Bob's message from Sunday will be broadcast nationally TODAY on the Way of the Master radio program from 2 - 4 pm central time. Please feel free to invite friends & family to listen. Listen on the web or find your local station on their website: Way of the Master
Please pray that at the memorial service this morning, that Bob would preach the gospel with clarity and power and that the Holy Spirit would convict hearts. Please also pray that the impact of the message on the radio this afternoon would reach far and wide.
Please pray that at the memorial service this morning, that Bob would preach the gospel with clarity and power and that the Holy Spirit would convict hearts. Please also pray that the impact of the message on the radio this afternoon would reach far and wide.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Memorial Service
The memorial service for Andrew will be streamed live on our church's website, www.redeemerbiblechurch.com tomorrow at 10 am central time.
***For those trying to tune-in, its available now! (10:35 central)
***For those trying to tune-in, its available now! (10:35 central)
Monday, February 09, 2009
Message from Sunday
The message from Sunday's service is now available online (streaming or download). Its called "Reflections on the Suffering and Death of a 27 Year-Old Man" and can be found here: Solid Food.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Sunday Church Service
Sunday church service tomorrow, February 8th, at our church has been changed to be about Andrew and all that has happened the past few days. If you go to our church's website, www.redeemerbiblechurch.com at 8:30am Central Time or 10:30am Central Time, you can listen to the entire service streamed live. The link to the live services only comes during that period of time, though, so you won't find the link if you look ahead of time.
Hope you can listen.
Love,
Grace
Hope you can listen.
Love,
Grace
With Our Savior
Andrew is now in the presence of Jesus. We praise the Lord that He called Andrew to be His and that Andrew is now rejoicing before the throne of grace without pain or suffering. He went at 12:35pm Central time. All his family was around him to hold his hand as he went peacefully.
Please continue to pray for AJ and Gracie, his mom and dad, his brother and sister, and me that the peace of Christ would continue to be a comfort to us.
More details on the funeral will be forthcoming. We would love for whomever can make it to be there. The viewings will be on Tuesday at Washburn-Mcreavy Funeral Home in Eden Prairie and the memorial service on Wednesday at Redeemer Bible Church in Minnetonka, MN.
Details for airline bereavement rates are to follow.
Also in lieu of flowers, a fund will be set up for AJ and Gracie. More details on that to come as well, but if you are interested in contributing, please email fundforajandgracie@gmail.com and details will be sent to you when they are available.
Thank you all for praying and for your encouraging remarks and for continuing to lift us up in your prayers.
Washburn-Mcreavy Funeral Home
Eden Prairie
7625 Mitchell Road
Eden Prairie, MN 55344
(952)975-0400
Redeemer Bible Church
16205 Highway 7
Minnetonka, MN 55345
(952) 935-2425
Please continue to pray for AJ and Gracie, his mom and dad, his brother and sister, and me that the peace of Christ would continue to be a comfort to us.
More details on the funeral will be forthcoming. We would love for whomever can make it to be there. The viewings will be on Tuesday at Washburn-Mcreavy Funeral Home in Eden Prairie and the memorial service on Wednesday at Redeemer Bible Church in Minnetonka, MN.
Details for airline bereavement rates are to follow.
Also in lieu of flowers, a fund will be set up for AJ and Gracie. More details on that to come as well, but if you are interested in contributing, please email fundforajandgracie@gmail.com and details will be sent to you when they are available.
Thank you all for praying and for your encouraging remarks and for continuing to lift us up in your prayers.
Washburn-Mcreavy Funeral Home
Eden Prairie
7625 Mitchell Road
Eden Prairie, MN 55344
(952)975-0400
Redeemer Bible Church
16205 Highway 7
Minnetonka, MN 55345
(952) 935-2425
Friday, February 06, 2009
A Gift
GRACE WRITES:
Andrew is still here. Perhaps he is waiting for his sister to arrive, who has been driving with her husband through the night from New Jersey. They should be here in less than an hour.
Even though his eyes have been closed the whole time, he usually is not sedated, so he seems to hear what we are saying to him. I think he has terrible bleeds when he gets emotional, then begins to hyperventilate, and then we sedate him. Please pray that would not happen when his sister arrives or ever again. It is really terrible that he has to suffer during those moments, and I don't think I can take another bleed. But what has kept coming to mind in those moments is that he looks like Jesus to me as he suffers. And I feel reassured that his suffering is not inconsistent with him being favored by God, because Jesus preceded Andrew in all his suffering. Jesus blazed the trail of suffering and went before us so that we could follow in His footsteps.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. I am sorry that you all have to cry for him. Please pray that I would be ready for what is to come and that his family would be too.
I love him more than ever now. These 24 hours, everything reminds me of memories with him. Even the faded memories are vivid now. It is like our time together is flashing before my eyes over several hours, the way they say your life flashes before your eyes in the instant before you die. And yet, somehow, the Lord has shielded me from the grief that could completely overwhelm. I am so fearful of future grief, fearful that it will strangle me. But so far it has not come yet.
Andrew had said to me recently that we could be thankful at least for the time we did have together. I said I wanted more time and it wasn't enough. But as it all flashes before me, I just feel so thankful. So priveleged to have loved so deeply and to be loved by someone so extraordinary that he could love me in spite of all my sin and despite how unworthy I was of him. He was such a picture of the gospel to me and taught me so much about Jesus' gospel love through the way he loved me. When we fell in love, I thought we might be the happiest people on earth. That is a gift. And I'm thankful to have ever tasted of it.
Andrew is still here. Perhaps he is waiting for his sister to arrive, who has been driving with her husband through the night from New Jersey. They should be here in less than an hour.
Even though his eyes have been closed the whole time, he usually is not sedated, so he seems to hear what we are saying to him. I think he has terrible bleeds when he gets emotional, then begins to hyperventilate, and then we sedate him. Please pray that would not happen when his sister arrives or ever again. It is really terrible that he has to suffer during those moments, and I don't think I can take another bleed. But what has kept coming to mind in those moments is that he looks like Jesus to me as he suffers. And I feel reassured that his suffering is not inconsistent with him being favored by God, because Jesus preceded Andrew in all his suffering. Jesus blazed the trail of suffering and went before us so that we could follow in His footsteps.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. I am sorry that you all have to cry for him. Please pray that I would be ready for what is to come and that his family would be too.
I love him more than ever now. These 24 hours, everything reminds me of memories with him. Even the faded memories are vivid now. It is like our time together is flashing before my eyes over several hours, the way they say your life flashes before your eyes in the instant before you die. And yet, somehow, the Lord has shielded me from the grief that could completely overwhelm. I am so fearful of future grief, fearful that it will strangle me. But so far it has not come yet.
Andrew had said to me recently that we could be thankful at least for the time we did have together. I said I wanted more time and it wasn't enough. But as it all flashes before me, I just feel so thankful. So priveleged to have loved so deeply and to be loved by someone so extraordinary that he could love me in spite of all my sin and despite how unworthy I was of him. He was such a picture of the gospel to me and taught me so much about Jesus' gospel love through the way he loved me. When we fell in love, I thought we might be the happiest people on earth. That is a gift. And I'm thankful to have ever tasted of it.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Update
Just got an update from Grace via txt. She says Andrew hasn't gone yet, but is on high doses of morphine and has not been conscious since the last text (which was at 3:30 am). His brother has just arrived. It should be any time now. She asks for prayer that he is physically comfortable in his final hours here.
Thank you all for your prayers. I have relayed to Grace that an enormous amount of people are praying and pouring out their concern and expressions of love via email and here on the blog. I don't think she's been checking emails or been on the blog yet today, but I myself have been encouraged by the comments shared and I know that Grace and family will appreciate reading them when they get to it.
Please continue to pray for divine comfort and strength for Grace and their family and for continued peace.
If you haven't had the chance to read any entries below yet, I encourage you to at least read Grace's last post so you can read her own words on how best to pray for her and hopefully you will also be encouraged by her courage and faith.
I will continue to post updates as I hear from Grace.
For HIS glory,
Georgia Lee
Thank you all for your prayers. I have relayed to Grace that an enormous amount of people are praying and pouring out their concern and expressions of love via email and here on the blog. I don't think she's been checking emails or been on the blog yet today, but I myself have been encouraged by the comments shared and I know that Grace and family will appreciate reading them when they get to it.
Please continue to pray for divine comfort and strength for Grace and their family and for continued peace.
If you haven't had the chance to read any entries below yet, I encourage you to at least read Grace's last post so you can read her own words on how best to pray for her and hopefully you will also be encouraged by her courage and faith.
I will continue to post updates as I hear from Grace.
For HIS glory,
Georgia Lee
PLEASE PRAY
Hi everyone, this is Grace's friend Georgia writing.
I got a call from Grace at 1:30 am pacific time this morning from an ambulance on the way to the hospital. She asked me to spread the word to pray. Andrew had a major bleed which the doctors said would happen (see post on blog from 1/24). Pray that the Lord would continue to sustain Andrew's life and if it is in His will that He would show His glory through a miraculous healing. Pray that the Lord would give Grace strength and peace, and also the same for the family surrounding them right now. And pray for wisdom and clarity of mind for the doctors.
The paragraph above was from emails that went out at 1:30. It is now 3:30 am and my heart is heavy as I write this post and I just got a text from Grace saying that Andrew will be going soon. Please continue to pray for everything above, but with this new information in mind pray especially for comfort, strength and peace for Grace & family.
I got a call from Grace at 1:30 am pacific time this morning from an ambulance on the way to the hospital. She asked me to spread the word to pray. Andrew had a major bleed which the doctors said would happen (see post on blog from 1/24). Pray that the Lord would continue to sustain Andrew's life and if it is in His will that He would show His glory through a miraculous healing. Pray that the Lord would give Grace strength and peace, and also the same for the family surrounding them right now. And pray for wisdom and clarity of mind for the doctors.
The paragraph above was from emails that went out at 1:30. It is now 3:30 am and my heart is heavy as I write this post and I just got a text from Grace saying that Andrew will be going soon. Please continue to pray for everything above, but with this new information in mind pray especially for comfort, strength and peace for Grace & family.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Refuge
GRACE WRITES:
Andrew is still here. We got a hospital-grade humidifier with a mask with an oxygen machine earlier this week, and he discovered that some of what was exacerbating his breathing problems was dried mucous. A cold has been going through our household and it's likely that Andrew got it too, but it wasn't obvious because his pain medications covered a lot of the symptoms. Before this discovery, it seemed like Andrew's breathing was getting exponentially worse each day and I wasn't even sure if he would make it to the end of the week. For that reason, Andrew's parents are now with us again. He says he still feels tumors causing swelling in his throat, but it's not increasing in size as rapidly every day as I had feared. Every day I wake up, look over, and see that he's still alive. I consider him living each day on a miracle now. Each breath breathed into him by God. But I suppose that's the reality that each of us live on every day of our lives, we just take it for granted.
So far, he has not gotten a trache put into his throat yet. We had figured that since his oxygen levels were still at a %100 and that his breathing had improved since getting the humidifier, he didn't feel ready yet to get the trache. There is the risk that he won't even make it through the surgery or that even if he does, will it even give him more time with all the trauma it will cause in exchange for the breaths, and will the pain be so unmanageable that he will be sedated to the point of it being like he's already left? Please continue to pray for wisdom for us, as he may still get the trache put in this Wednesday.
Please also continue to pray that Andrew (and the rest of us) will get good rest at night. He wakes often due to coughing, discomfort, etc. I spend most of the day in the room with him as he rests, feeding him his juices and the countless things that need to be done for him, trying to comfort him, and just be with my love. Grace Lindeman continues to make his 9 fresh juices, food, and various things. We continue to do the therapy.
My sister and Sam Jay took the kids a lot during the day each week. And now that Andrew's parents are here, they watch the kids. I miss the kids a lot, but at least I get to see them when I leave the room. By the way, my eczema has been clearing up, but please continue to pray that it will heal.
I can't explain the peace that God has given me through this time. I feel very literally as if His peace is guarding my heart. There are, of course, periods of crying when I think of my love being gone. The disappointment. How our recent 5 year anniversary seems to mean that we are practically newlyweds. Our hopes had been that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I had thought that knowing who you would spend the rest of your life with would seem scary and final, but found that the idea of spending my life with Andrew made me smile and feel relieved and excited. We had thought that our lives would be beautiful no matter what adventure life brought us, because we were together. Eventually, I pictured years down the road, a full, loud house teeming with kids, overflowing out onto the yard, the kids screaming as they played tag. I cry when I pause past our wedding pictures in the living room because they remind me of those hopes. We looked so happy and hopeful that day. It almost seems like we were fools from this vantage. Yet, those feelings of sadness, as pure as they feel, the pure feeling of sadness unmixed with other feelings, do not feel like despair. I cry and then when I'm done, I feel fine again. I know there is no other explanation except that the Lord is sustaining me with incredible peace that only comes at desperate times like these, where all else falls away, and all there can be is Jesus.
Don't think that I have spent the last almost year of this trial in peace like this. Trust me, there are times where I spent long periods walking in my flesh and not trusting the Lord, so deep in my flesh, I didn't even know it. I believe my peace now is due to all of you praying like crazy for me and and also that in unique times, times of emergencies, I believe God gives special grace to wives. It is His grace, definitely not something I have labored for.
I remember when Erik Greene from our church in Washington unexpectedly was rushed to the ER and was not expected to make it through the night. They did not know what had happened to him, except that he was not going to live. I could hardly think about Andrew who was about to go into his first cancer surgery January of '07, his surgery paling in comparison to Erik's situation. I was horrified at the idea of Erik leaving his wife and four children. I wept for three days pleading with the Lord for his healing. Erik survived the first night and spent the next few weeks in a coma. Despite the doctor telling his wife to unplug him after a few weeks, she continued to have unmovable hope. When I saw her, I couldn't believe the peace she had. Not only did Erik wake up from his coma, he's doing great today.
And so, I believe God has a special place for wives that are His, while those observing help carry the burden by taking the role of weeping and praying and maybe even having to suffer more grief than that of the wife for that time. So please keep praying for me, because the Lord is answering. I can feel you are praying for me, because this is definitely not of me.
Though Andrew's suffering is more than most anyone will suffer in their lifetime, and it may not feel or look like it, we all must continue to believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and that it is all for His glory (Romans 8). We must ask God to give us the faith to believe that. We can pour out our frustrations and griefs and questions honestly to Him, because they are no secret to Him, and only He can change our hearts.
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:7-9
Please continue to pray
- for REST at night especially for Andrew, but for all of us too
- that Andrew will be able to breathe easily and not need the trache. For wisdom whether to get it or not
- that the peace of Christ would guard our hearts, as well as his parents' hearts
- for a miraculous escape from death
- that our suffering would result in us knowing Christ more intimately (Phil. 3).
Andrew is still here. We got a hospital-grade humidifier with a mask with an oxygen machine earlier this week, and he discovered that some of what was exacerbating his breathing problems was dried mucous. A cold has been going through our household and it's likely that Andrew got it too, but it wasn't obvious because his pain medications covered a lot of the symptoms. Before this discovery, it seemed like Andrew's breathing was getting exponentially worse each day and I wasn't even sure if he would make it to the end of the week. For that reason, Andrew's parents are now with us again. He says he still feels tumors causing swelling in his throat, but it's not increasing in size as rapidly every day as I had feared. Every day I wake up, look over, and see that he's still alive. I consider him living each day on a miracle now. Each breath breathed into him by God. But I suppose that's the reality that each of us live on every day of our lives, we just take it for granted.
So far, he has not gotten a trache put into his throat yet. We had figured that since his oxygen levels were still at a %100 and that his breathing had improved since getting the humidifier, he didn't feel ready yet to get the trache. There is the risk that he won't even make it through the surgery or that even if he does, will it even give him more time with all the trauma it will cause in exchange for the breaths, and will the pain be so unmanageable that he will be sedated to the point of it being like he's already left? Please continue to pray for wisdom for us, as he may still get the trache put in this Wednesday.
Please also continue to pray that Andrew (and the rest of us) will get good rest at night. He wakes often due to coughing, discomfort, etc. I spend most of the day in the room with him as he rests, feeding him his juices and the countless things that need to be done for him, trying to comfort him, and just be with my love. Grace Lindeman continues to make his 9 fresh juices, food, and various things. We continue to do the therapy.
My sister and Sam Jay took the kids a lot during the day each week. And now that Andrew's parents are here, they watch the kids. I miss the kids a lot, but at least I get to see them when I leave the room. By the way, my eczema has been clearing up, but please continue to pray that it will heal.
I can't explain the peace that God has given me through this time. I feel very literally as if His peace is guarding my heart. There are, of course, periods of crying when I think of my love being gone. The disappointment. How our recent 5 year anniversary seems to mean that we are practically newlyweds. Our hopes had been that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I had thought that knowing who you would spend the rest of your life with would seem scary and final, but found that the idea of spending my life with Andrew made me smile and feel relieved and excited. We had thought that our lives would be beautiful no matter what adventure life brought us, because we were together. Eventually, I pictured years down the road, a full, loud house teeming with kids, overflowing out onto the yard, the kids screaming as they played tag. I cry when I pause past our wedding pictures in the living room because they remind me of those hopes. We looked so happy and hopeful that day. It almost seems like we were fools from this vantage. Yet, those feelings of sadness, as pure as they feel, the pure feeling of sadness unmixed with other feelings, do not feel like despair. I cry and then when I'm done, I feel fine again. I know there is no other explanation except that the Lord is sustaining me with incredible peace that only comes at desperate times like these, where all else falls away, and all there can be is Jesus.
Don't think that I have spent the last almost year of this trial in peace like this. Trust me, there are times where I spent long periods walking in my flesh and not trusting the Lord, so deep in my flesh, I didn't even know it. I believe my peace now is due to all of you praying like crazy for me and and also that in unique times, times of emergencies, I believe God gives special grace to wives. It is His grace, definitely not something I have labored for.
I remember when Erik Greene from our church in Washington unexpectedly was rushed to the ER and was not expected to make it through the night. They did not know what had happened to him, except that he was not going to live. I could hardly think about Andrew who was about to go into his first cancer surgery January of '07, his surgery paling in comparison to Erik's situation. I was horrified at the idea of Erik leaving his wife and four children. I wept for three days pleading with the Lord for his healing. Erik survived the first night and spent the next few weeks in a coma. Despite the doctor telling his wife to unplug him after a few weeks, she continued to have unmovable hope. When I saw her, I couldn't believe the peace she had. Not only did Erik wake up from his coma, he's doing great today.
And so, I believe God has a special place for wives that are His, while those observing help carry the burden by taking the role of weeping and praying and maybe even having to suffer more grief than that of the wife for that time. So please keep praying for me, because the Lord is answering. I can feel you are praying for me, because this is definitely not of me.
Though Andrew's suffering is more than most anyone will suffer in their lifetime, and it may not feel or look like it, we all must continue to believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and that it is all for His glory (Romans 8). We must ask God to give us the faith to believe that. We can pour out our frustrations and griefs and questions honestly to Him, because they are no secret to Him, and only He can change our hearts.
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:7-9
Please continue to pray
- for REST at night especially for Andrew, but for all of us too
- that Andrew will be able to breathe easily and not need the trache. For wisdom whether to get it or not
- that the peace of Christ would guard our hearts, as well as his parents' hearts
- for a miraculous escape from death
- that our suffering would result in us knowing Christ more intimately (Phil. 3).
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A rock and a hard place...
ANDREW WRITES:
We made it back safely from California last week and it was so great to be home. Everything went just as planned and we arrived home Friday night/Saturday morning a little before 1AM.
On Saturday we got things started with the Gerson Therapy and by early this week we were pretty much settled back into life in MN. I almost feel like we've been here all winter.
On Saturday we had a short open house for people to welcome us back and it was so encouraging and wonderful to see people again. I didn't miss the weather, but I missed the people so much and I was so happy to see everybody.
We've been so well taken care of since returning between our church and neighbors helping out and Grace L. from Canada doing much of the leg work for the Gerson Therapy for us. We also have a high school teenager from the neighborhood come several times per week to relieve Grace L. so she can get a break from the non-stop work.
The first few days this week I was totally exhausted from our trip home and spent 2-3 days straight in bed. By Tuesday I was feeling a little better and Wednesday I was good enough to get out and pay a visit to Dr. Yueh. I had been in contact with Dr. Yueh over the past several weeks regarding my breathing and the wound in my neck. I sent him pictures and he told me how to dress the wound while I was in California.
We knew this visit wasn't going to be a positive, exciting, happy one, so we asked Jason D. to come along for moral support and so we could have another person there to help us process the information they give us.
Basically Dr. Yueh's opinion is that given my difficulty breathing and the huge deep hole in my neck (click to see photo) which keeps getting bigger, my demise will likely occur one of two ways.
Either my breathing will continue to get worse until I gradually get to the point of suffocation, or the tumor invades the carotid artery, bursts it open and I bleed to death on the spot through the hole in my neck. To be honest, I was really hoping for something a little more pleasant but I guess that's not how the Lord has chosen for my cancer to progress.
Immediately after Dr. Yueh said that images started coming into my mind of me alone in my bedroom laying on my bed bleeding or suffocating to death. A look of despair in my eyes, arms flailing hoping to grab my wife's familiar hand, but nobody is there to comfort me. That would be a very sad situation, please pray that would not happen to me. If the Lord would have one of these things happen to me I would at least want Grace to be there to hold my hand as I go.
Since I'm already having trouble breathing suffocation is really a possibility and might not be that far away. To avoid suffocation I could have a tracheotomy which would place a hole below my Adam's apple with a metal tube that extends down my trachea a few inches to bypass the area where the tumors are pressing on my airway. I had this for about a month when I had my surgery in March.
It seems like this would be the right thing to do, but I'm extremely hesitant to do it because of the effect it would have on my quality of life. The hole in my neck extends to the spot where the trache tube would be placed, and that is the most painful part of the wound. When I change my dressing on my neck every day, even with all the pain medications I'm on, touching that spot will bring me to my knees wincing in pain. So the thought of placing a metal tube through that spot with a 1 inch square plate stabilizing it and rubbing my wound 24/7 just makes me shiver just thinking about it. Of course the doctors say that they could just give me more pain meds, but even if that did work, which is unlikely, I'll need so much that I'll be sedated most of the time. In addition, even if you cover the opening of the tube, there is still some air leakage around the hole in my neck so I might not be able to clear my throat well which will cause me to gag on my own saliva, and I may not be able to whisper anymore which my main form of communication right now. My gut feeling is also telling me that since my body rarely responds to invasive procedures and treatments the way doctors say that most patients typically respond (remember the 3 additional corrective surgeries in March, my jaw that never healed, prolonged pain and difficulties with my PEG tube and right leg skin graft site, and now the open wound on my neck), that this just isn't a good idea. Lastly, this is totally not as important and you might think I'm crazy for saying this, but it would be nice to preserve a little dignity during my last days on this earth. So these are all the reasons I could say no to a decision that seems like it should be an obvious yes on the surface. In fact, I really wish it was an obvious yes.
So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please please please pray for wisdom what I should do. Dr. Yueh is not at all pressuring me one way or another, but he wants me to make a decision by early next week so I can have the procedure done before the tumors make it too difficult to place the trache. Some nights I wake up every 30 minutes gasping for air because mucus has dried up in my airway and makes it difficult to breath. Other nights I breath easily and I'm not worried about suffocation at all. So its really hard to know just how urgent it is for me to do the tracheotomy. I know a lot of my reservations about the tracheotomy are fears and anxieties about discomfort and pain and God can take care of all of that. But I still just don't know if that is the right thing to do. All the docs thought a second course of radiation was the right thing to do, but it turned out that it didn't work and caused huge complications including possibly being one of the biggest contributing factors behind this wound in my neck. We've done everything the doctors said we should do, but it typically doesn't work out the way we were expecting. So, I feel very uneasy about this decision. Please pray for wisdom and that God would make it undeniably clear which direction to go and that I would not regret or complain.
As I mentioned some nights I wake up gasping for air, usually because I had a bad dream that caused my heart and breathing rate to increase. Tonight my dream ended with AJ and Gracie sitting on some sort of bench at a park looking longingly at the playground area but they had to finish their food before they could go play. So I guess they scarfed down their food and took off running towards the slides then another boy sitting right next to them jumped up off the bench and took off after them in nothing but a diaper. Yup, a toddling baby boy! I woke up tonight happy from this dream, not gasping for air, and decided to write a blog. I'm not superstitious or anything like that, but I can pray that my dreams come true.
Please Pray:
1) For wisdom about whether or not to do a tracheotomy. That I would seek God's glory in the decision rather than personal comfort.
2) That my wound in my neck and my breathing would get better and not worse.
3) For complete healing and pain relief.
4) That I would not be anxious about all the things that I need to do but can't do because I have little energy.
5) That I would see this as an opportunity to be to learn humility as one who is helpless than be frustrated about my disabilities. I can't drive, lift anything heavy or even make my own phone calls.
6) For Grace, my wife, and Grace L. that God would sustain them as they take care of me and the kids. There is a little bit of a cold just starting to go around our household, Gracie and Grace M. got it, so pray that the rest of us won't get it.
7) That I would really be able to continue to have lots of time with my wife and kids and that I would use it wisely. Pray that God would provide enough help during these times so that we can be free to spend more time together. It just seems like it doctors appointments and phone calls and medications, and wound dressings and all sorts of distractions so we passing by each other but unfocused. Tomorrow we're going to try setting a block of time each afternoon for Grace and I. Pray that other things wouldn't crowd into it.
8) That God would provide an alternative speech device SOON so that I can begin communicating more easily with others and especially my kids. My kids are really good at picking up my slurred whispers, but they can't read yet so they miss out on a lot. I can't simply sit with them with a pad of paper and converse with them.
We made it back safely from California last week and it was so great to be home. Everything went just as planned and we arrived home Friday night/Saturday morning a little before 1AM.
On Saturday we got things started with the Gerson Therapy and by early this week we were pretty much settled back into life in MN. I almost feel like we've been here all winter.
On Saturday we had a short open house for people to welcome us back and it was so encouraging and wonderful to see people again. I didn't miss the weather, but I missed the people so much and I was so happy to see everybody.
We've been so well taken care of since returning between our church and neighbors helping out and Grace L. from Canada doing much of the leg work for the Gerson Therapy for us. We also have a high school teenager from the neighborhood come several times per week to relieve Grace L. so she can get a break from the non-stop work.
The first few days this week I was totally exhausted from our trip home and spent 2-3 days straight in bed. By Tuesday I was feeling a little better and Wednesday I was good enough to get out and pay a visit to Dr. Yueh. I had been in contact with Dr. Yueh over the past several weeks regarding my breathing and the wound in my neck. I sent him pictures and he told me how to dress the wound while I was in California.
We knew this visit wasn't going to be a positive, exciting, happy one, so we asked Jason D. to come along for moral support and so we could have another person there to help us process the information they give us.
Basically Dr. Yueh's opinion is that given my difficulty breathing and the huge deep hole in my neck (click to see photo) which keeps getting bigger, my demise will likely occur one of two ways.
Either my breathing will continue to get worse until I gradually get to the point of suffocation, or the tumor invades the carotid artery, bursts it open and I bleed to death on the spot through the hole in my neck. To be honest, I was really hoping for something a little more pleasant but I guess that's not how the Lord has chosen for my cancer to progress.
Immediately after Dr. Yueh said that images started coming into my mind of me alone in my bedroom laying on my bed bleeding or suffocating to death. A look of despair in my eyes, arms flailing hoping to grab my wife's familiar hand, but nobody is there to comfort me. That would be a very sad situation, please pray that would not happen to me. If the Lord would have one of these things happen to me I would at least want Grace to be there to hold my hand as I go.
Since I'm already having trouble breathing suffocation is really a possibility and might not be that far away. To avoid suffocation I could have a tracheotomy which would place a hole below my Adam's apple with a metal tube that extends down my trachea a few inches to bypass the area where the tumors are pressing on my airway. I had this for about a month when I had my surgery in March.
It seems like this would be the right thing to do, but I'm extremely hesitant to do it because of the effect it would have on my quality of life. The hole in my neck extends to the spot where the trache tube would be placed, and that is the most painful part of the wound. When I change my dressing on my neck every day, even with all the pain medications I'm on, touching that spot will bring me to my knees wincing in pain. So the thought of placing a metal tube through that spot with a 1 inch square plate stabilizing it and rubbing my wound 24/7 just makes me shiver just thinking about it. Of course the doctors say that they could just give me more pain meds, but even if that did work, which is unlikely, I'll need so much that I'll be sedated most of the time. In addition, even if you cover the opening of the tube, there is still some air leakage around the hole in my neck so I might not be able to clear my throat well which will cause me to gag on my own saliva, and I may not be able to whisper anymore which my main form of communication right now. My gut feeling is also telling me that since my body rarely responds to invasive procedures and treatments the way doctors say that most patients typically respond (remember the 3 additional corrective surgeries in March, my jaw that never healed, prolonged pain and difficulties with my PEG tube and right leg skin graft site, and now the open wound on my neck), that this just isn't a good idea. Lastly, this is totally not as important and you might think I'm crazy for saying this, but it would be nice to preserve a little dignity during my last days on this earth. So these are all the reasons I could say no to a decision that seems like it should be an obvious yes on the surface. In fact, I really wish it was an obvious yes.
So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please please please pray for wisdom what I should do. Dr. Yueh is not at all pressuring me one way or another, but he wants me to make a decision by early next week so I can have the procedure done before the tumors make it too difficult to place the trache. Some nights I wake up every 30 minutes gasping for air because mucus has dried up in my airway and makes it difficult to breath. Other nights I breath easily and I'm not worried about suffocation at all. So its really hard to know just how urgent it is for me to do the tracheotomy. I know a lot of my reservations about the tracheotomy are fears and anxieties about discomfort and pain and God can take care of all of that. But I still just don't know if that is the right thing to do. All the docs thought a second course of radiation was the right thing to do, but it turned out that it didn't work and caused huge complications including possibly being one of the biggest contributing factors behind this wound in my neck. We've done everything the doctors said we should do, but it typically doesn't work out the way we were expecting. So, I feel very uneasy about this decision. Please pray for wisdom and that God would make it undeniably clear which direction to go and that I would not regret or complain.
As I mentioned some nights I wake up gasping for air, usually because I had a bad dream that caused my heart and breathing rate to increase. Tonight my dream ended with AJ and Gracie sitting on some sort of bench at a park looking longingly at the playground area but they had to finish their food before they could go play. So I guess they scarfed down their food and took off running towards the slides then another boy sitting right next to them jumped up off the bench and took off after them in nothing but a diaper. Yup, a toddling baby boy! I woke up tonight happy from this dream, not gasping for air, and decided to write a blog. I'm not superstitious or anything like that, but I can pray that my dreams come true.
Please Pray:
1) For wisdom about whether or not to do a tracheotomy. That I would seek God's glory in the decision rather than personal comfort.
2) That my wound in my neck and my breathing would get better and not worse.
3) For complete healing and pain relief.
4) That I would not be anxious about all the things that I need to do but can't do because I have little energy.
5) That I would see this as an opportunity to be to learn humility as one who is helpless than be frustrated about my disabilities. I can't drive, lift anything heavy or even make my own phone calls.
6) For Grace, my wife, and Grace L. that God would sustain them as they take care of me and the kids. There is a little bit of a cold just starting to go around our household, Gracie and Grace M. got it, so pray that the rest of us won't get it.
7) That I would really be able to continue to have lots of time with my wife and kids and that I would use it wisely. Pray that God would provide enough help during these times so that we can be free to spend more time together. It just seems like it doctors appointments and phone calls and medications, and wound dressings and all sorts of distractions so we passing by each other but unfocused. Tomorrow we're going to try setting a block of time each afternoon for Grace and I. Pray that other things wouldn't crowd into it.
8) That God would provide an alternative speech device SOON so that I can begin communicating more easily with others and especially my kids. My kids are really good at picking up my slurred whispers, but they can't read yet so they miss out on a lot. I can't simply sit with them with a pad of paper and converse with them.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Pain in the Neck
GRACE WRITES:
Andrew hasn't been feeling well, so he hasn't been able to blog. So sorry for keeping all of you in such suspense.
Since Andrew's previous blog, Andrew's parents, brother, sister, and her husband were able to come out for the holidays and stay with us at the treatment center. The Stillings here at the treatment center let us have the whole place to ourselves, while they continued to perform the treatment for us. It was such a blessing and provision from God. Andrew was so happy to spend that time with his family. Andrew's voice slowly gave out while his family was here, but was at least understandable to me and the kids, so that I could interpret for him, if his family couldn't understand. Now, he can only whisper, and it is hard even for me to understand.
As soon as Andrew's family left, he became completely exhausted and spent most of the next eight days asleep in bed. Part of that was from him quickly increasing his narcotics dosages, especially the fentenyl, and part of it was just exhaustion from him being so active with his family. I have never seen him this exhausted before. I am so thankful that I can give him his juices and meals through his tube, because he truly could not have been awake enough to eat it himself if he had to do it through his mouth. Since Monday, he gradually has had a little more energy to get up during the day to at least go outside and take a nap, or nap in the living room.
Andrew has not been feeling well. He feels it is best for us to go home now. He was doing so well, but then a giant hole opened up in his neck towards the end of December, and has flung him back onto pain, narcotics, and misery. We are actually returning to MN on this Friday, via San Diego Airport (only direct flight on Sun Country Airlines available for that date). A couple from our church will drive the RV back.
Andrew says: "I'm in tons of pain and soreness which continues to slowly get worse. The pain meds unfortunately don't work that well for this type of pain. The best I can describe it is it's like my nerves ache from the inside and the pain meds numb the outside. So it's like this deep set pain in the core of my muscles and bones that I cant get rid of."
I do not know which will win out - the Gerson therapy or over-radiation, which is likely the main cause of his neck falling apart. The Gerson Therapy is most successful on people who have never done conventional treatments. So far, all of the patients that we have met over the past two months have never done radiation or chemotherapy.
Andrew says he feels like he is at a crossroads. Either this is the "getting worse before the getting better" part that Dr. Stillings kept warning about or this is the decline.
Dr. Stillings thinks that Andrew's analysis makes sense, and he continues not to give us false guarantees, but at the same time he still thinks that this all could very well be his body gearing up and fighting the tumors with all its got. He's always an encouragement to us, and helps us to keep on fighting day after day.
Dr. Stillings thinks the hole in Andrew's neck is the body's natural way of debriding the skin that does not have enough blood circulation from all the radiation, and that the hole will stop getting bigger once it hits viable skin. The hole opened up real fast in a week and a half. Since then, it has slowly gotten a little bigger. It is now about the size of his thumb in all three dimensions. It's awful, and I can't imagine how a person can be alive with a huge hole in his body, let alone in his neck.
I am praying that the Lord would provide a way to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, what they use for burn victims and diabetics, who get huge holes in their bodies. There is research that shows that cancer cannot survive in an hyper-oxygenated environment. So in fact, hyperbaric oxygen is great for cancer patients in general. Some doctors, however think that stimulating blood vessel growth and circulation could cause the cancer to grow faster but in Andrew's case I think dealing with this horrific wound is worth that risk. I have been looking for alternative treatment centers that do hyperbaric oxygen in the Minneapolis area, as it is unlikely that a medical doctor will allow it for a cancer patient, but Google searches are never successful for me.
The narcotics, which tend to shut down autonomic functions and the swelling from tumors or the wound in his neck, causes andrew to wake up gasping for air at night. He does fine when he's sitting up, but if he's reclined at all, it bothers him. But he says he can't sleep sitting up because he gags on his own saliva. So sleep has been really hard for him.
As for me, my eczema has flared up 50 times worse than ever before in my life. It's possible that my body is doing the getting worse before it gets better thing that they say happens in holistic medicine, as I have been doing the Gerson diet with Andrew, only with less juices, or simply it's related to stress. I imagine it may be both. If one could die of eczema, I sometimes feel like it could be me. PLEASE pray that the Lord would relieve me of my leprosy.
At night is when I often have a sudden flare up into misery where my skin feels like it is on fire and I wish I could unzipper my skin and jump out of it. Medicines and creams that I had from my dermatologist that used to work are completely useless now. I drink over a gallon of liquid a day, and yet still, I wake up looking like I've been stranded in the desert. My skin soaks up lotion like I never put layer upon layer upon layer on. Sometimes, the lotion makes my skin even more itchy and I just want to leave it alone and not touch it. It's not food allergies, because I've already been tested for them, and I had been on this diet for over a month before this ever started.
My only relief has been to flee out into the night, taking A.J. with me as my protector, and to cry out loud to God. It's a quiet neighborhood, and so far no one has been outside to hear me. I pour out all my frustrations to God about everything and to rescue me from my skin. Between that, the cool air, heavy breathing, and the distractions of the cozy lights of the houses, by the time we return home, the burning has relented.
Waking when Andrew wakes and waking up due to my eczema throughout the night, sleep is extremely interrupted for the both of us.
The kids are the same as always. Going with the flow, playing together, and our consistent source of smiles. 16 year-old Grace Lindeman from Canada, who had helped us for a few weeks over the summer, has come to us again. She arrived at the treatment center last night to learn the therapy and so she can assist us on the flight back. Pray that the flight won't over-exhaust Andrew or be too terrible for him or my skin. Grace will be with us for a month to make all of Andrew's juices, foods, and other therapy-related things, while I try to find someone to hire to do the therapy in the mornings. I already have two teenagers who can do the therapy for us in the afternoons. I'm nervous to return to the icebox of America. Pray none of us get sick, because that could mean pneumonia for Andrew, which could be devastating.
It has been sooooo wonderful to be in California. For the first month it was as if God called a time-out in our cancer trial and we forgot about cancer and had the time of our lives. Andrew was on no pain meds, had energy, and felt great. It was so great to see so many old friends. You brought the old laughter and carefreeness back into our lives for a little bit. We will miss you all so much.
Thank you all for your prayers, concern, and concrete expressions of love.
Please pray for:
1. The hole to heal in Andrew's neck and for his body's healing
2. Pain relief
3. Sleep for the both of us at night
4. Healing of my eczema
5. That we won't get sick in MN
Andrew hasn't been feeling well, so he hasn't been able to blog. So sorry for keeping all of you in such suspense.
Since Andrew's previous blog, Andrew's parents, brother, sister, and her husband were able to come out for the holidays and stay with us at the treatment center. The Stillings here at the treatment center let us have the whole place to ourselves, while they continued to perform the treatment for us. It was such a blessing and provision from God. Andrew was so happy to spend that time with his family. Andrew's voice slowly gave out while his family was here, but was at least understandable to me and the kids, so that I could interpret for him, if his family couldn't understand. Now, he can only whisper, and it is hard even for me to understand.
As soon as Andrew's family left, he became completely exhausted and spent most of the next eight days asleep in bed. Part of that was from him quickly increasing his narcotics dosages, especially the fentenyl, and part of it was just exhaustion from him being so active with his family. I have never seen him this exhausted before. I am so thankful that I can give him his juices and meals through his tube, because he truly could not have been awake enough to eat it himself if he had to do it through his mouth. Since Monday, he gradually has had a little more energy to get up during the day to at least go outside and take a nap, or nap in the living room.
Andrew has not been feeling well. He feels it is best for us to go home now. He was doing so well, but then a giant hole opened up in his neck towards the end of December, and has flung him back onto pain, narcotics, and misery. We are actually returning to MN on this Friday, via San Diego Airport (only direct flight on Sun Country Airlines available for that date). A couple from our church will drive the RV back.
Andrew says: "I'm in tons of pain and soreness which continues to slowly get worse. The pain meds unfortunately don't work that well for this type of pain. The best I can describe it is it's like my nerves ache from the inside and the pain meds numb the outside. So it's like this deep set pain in the core of my muscles and bones that I cant get rid of."
I do not know which will win out - the Gerson therapy or over-radiation, which is likely the main cause of his neck falling apart. The Gerson Therapy is most successful on people who have never done conventional treatments. So far, all of the patients that we have met over the past two months have never done radiation or chemotherapy.
Andrew says he feels like he is at a crossroads. Either this is the "getting worse before the getting better" part that Dr. Stillings kept warning about or this is the decline.
Dr. Stillings thinks that Andrew's analysis makes sense, and he continues not to give us false guarantees, but at the same time he still thinks that this all could very well be his body gearing up and fighting the tumors with all its got. He's always an encouragement to us, and helps us to keep on fighting day after day.
Dr. Stillings thinks the hole in Andrew's neck is the body's natural way of debriding the skin that does not have enough blood circulation from all the radiation, and that the hole will stop getting bigger once it hits viable skin. The hole opened up real fast in a week and a half. Since then, it has slowly gotten a little bigger. It is now about the size of his thumb in all three dimensions. It's awful, and I can't imagine how a person can be alive with a huge hole in his body, let alone in his neck.
I am praying that the Lord would provide a way to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, what they use for burn victims and diabetics, who get huge holes in their bodies. There is research that shows that cancer cannot survive in an hyper-oxygenated environment. So in fact, hyperbaric oxygen is great for cancer patients in general. Some doctors, however think that stimulating blood vessel growth and circulation could cause the cancer to grow faster but in Andrew's case I think dealing with this horrific wound is worth that risk. I have been looking for alternative treatment centers that do hyperbaric oxygen in the Minneapolis area, as it is unlikely that a medical doctor will allow it for a cancer patient, but Google searches are never successful for me.
The narcotics, which tend to shut down autonomic functions and the swelling from tumors or the wound in his neck, causes andrew to wake up gasping for air at night. He does fine when he's sitting up, but if he's reclined at all, it bothers him. But he says he can't sleep sitting up because he gags on his own saliva. So sleep has been really hard for him.
As for me, my eczema has flared up 50 times worse than ever before in my life. It's possible that my body is doing the getting worse before it gets better thing that they say happens in holistic medicine, as I have been doing the Gerson diet with Andrew, only with less juices, or simply it's related to stress. I imagine it may be both. If one could die of eczema, I sometimes feel like it could be me. PLEASE pray that the Lord would relieve me of my leprosy.
At night is when I often have a sudden flare up into misery where my skin feels like it is on fire and I wish I could unzipper my skin and jump out of it. Medicines and creams that I had from my dermatologist that used to work are completely useless now. I drink over a gallon of liquid a day, and yet still, I wake up looking like I've been stranded in the desert. My skin soaks up lotion like I never put layer upon layer upon layer on. Sometimes, the lotion makes my skin even more itchy and I just want to leave it alone and not touch it. It's not food allergies, because I've already been tested for them, and I had been on this diet for over a month before this ever started.
My only relief has been to flee out into the night, taking A.J. with me as my protector, and to cry out loud to God. It's a quiet neighborhood, and so far no one has been outside to hear me. I pour out all my frustrations to God about everything and to rescue me from my skin. Between that, the cool air, heavy breathing, and the distractions of the cozy lights of the houses, by the time we return home, the burning has relented.
Waking when Andrew wakes and waking up due to my eczema throughout the night, sleep is extremely interrupted for the both of us.
The kids are the same as always. Going with the flow, playing together, and our consistent source of smiles. 16 year-old Grace Lindeman from Canada, who had helped us for a few weeks over the summer, has come to us again. She arrived at the treatment center last night to learn the therapy and so she can assist us on the flight back. Pray that the flight won't over-exhaust Andrew or be too terrible for him or my skin. Grace will be with us for a month to make all of Andrew's juices, foods, and other therapy-related things, while I try to find someone to hire to do the therapy in the mornings. I already have two teenagers who can do the therapy for us in the afternoons. I'm nervous to return to the icebox of America. Pray none of us get sick, because that could mean pneumonia for Andrew, which could be devastating.
It has been sooooo wonderful to be in California. For the first month it was as if God called a time-out in our cancer trial and we forgot about cancer and had the time of our lives. Andrew was on no pain meds, had energy, and felt great. It was so great to see so many old friends. You brought the old laughter and carefreeness back into our lives for a little bit. We will miss you all so much.
Thank you all for your prayers, concern, and concrete expressions of love.
Please pray for:
1. The hole to heal in Andrew's neck and for his body's healing
2. Pain relief
3. Sleep for the both of us at night
4. Healing of my eczema
5. That we won't get sick in MN
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Treatment update
ANDREW WRITES:
We've been back at the treatment center for the last 3 weeks and will remain here at least until the end of December. The last week or so has been a real setback for me. My energy levels have been good, blood work is spot on, appetite is still increasing and my weight is up a few pounds, but my neck is literally falling apart.
Over the past several months I've been developing these very slow growing lumps on the right side of my neck. My doctors didn't know what they were and just left them alone since it was quite obvious that I already had cancer elsewhere in my body. In the past week or two some of those lumps have come to the surface and broken open and are not healing. There is quite a bit of drainage and my oncologist and surgeon in Minnesota don't really know why this is happening. One of the boils started off like a big blister, but after it popped it has grown deeper and wider, and is continuing to grow. I think the area was already quite irritated by tumors deeper in the right thyroid cartilage. I suspect that this is breaking apart so quickly and not healing due to the irritation from tumors combined with the fact that I've had way too much radiation which similarly caused a breakdown in my jaw in August. The radiation compromised the tissue and blood supply so much that things break down very easily and don't heal. In just a few days the wound grew so deep that I could fit the tip of my pinky into it. A few days ago I woke up with much more pain and noticed that it doubled in length and tore open along the scar of my surgical incision. I'd seen some pretty nasty wounds with all that I've been through, and my gut feeling was that this one is big trouble so we went to the ER to get it checked out.
The ER doctor and the wound care specialist on call at the time said that there isn't anything I can do to stop it from progressing at this point. I have a follow up with a wound care specialist next Monday. I wrote an update to our small group last week asking for prayer. At that time the wound was the size of the tip of my pinky. Now, a week later the wound is the size of my pinky, length, depth and height. If I literally took my pinky off my hand I could fit it right into long crater in my neck. I can see muscles in my neck moving around. My knees get weak just looking at it when I clean it.
Please pray that God would heal the wound, heal me of cancer, and relieve some of the pain. I'm back on a decent dose of narcotics to give me some comfort, but the pain breaks through the narcotics every few hours.
Despite this setback in the neck, the rest of my body is holding up ok. Other than being tired from the narcotics, I'm still doing much much better as a whole than I was doing in October when I was on narcotics. So praise God for that. Since the wound in near my voice box I am starting to really lose my voice. I'm not sure if this is from inflamation from the wound, or from cancer taking over things. Despite the pain, I'm amazed that I'm still able to spend lots of quality time with my family from NJ, who came out here to visit for the holidays. I love them so much and I'm so thankful to be together with them. They're even making the sacrifice to eat most of the meals with me here at the treatment center on this special diet!
Please pray:
1) For healing from cancer and from this wound.
2) That I wouldn't continue to be anxious or discouraged about this, that I would just see it as another way to have to trust God through this trial. I'm struggling with fears and anxiety of pain and suffering. I'm also fearful that this will cause my health to spiral down again.
3) That God would relieve my pain and give me rest at night.
We've been back at the treatment center for the last 3 weeks and will remain here at least until the end of December. The last week or so has been a real setback for me. My energy levels have been good, blood work is spot on, appetite is still increasing and my weight is up a few pounds, but my neck is literally falling apart.
Over the past several months I've been developing these very slow growing lumps on the right side of my neck. My doctors didn't know what they were and just left them alone since it was quite obvious that I already had cancer elsewhere in my body. In the past week or two some of those lumps have come to the surface and broken open and are not healing. There is quite a bit of drainage and my oncologist and surgeon in Minnesota don't really know why this is happening. One of the boils started off like a big blister, but after it popped it has grown deeper and wider, and is continuing to grow. I think the area was already quite irritated by tumors deeper in the right thyroid cartilage. I suspect that this is breaking apart so quickly and not healing due to the irritation from tumors combined with the fact that I've had way too much radiation which similarly caused a breakdown in my jaw in August. The radiation compromised the tissue and blood supply so much that things break down very easily and don't heal. In just a few days the wound grew so deep that I could fit the tip of my pinky into it. A few days ago I woke up with much more pain and noticed that it doubled in length and tore open along the scar of my surgical incision. I'd seen some pretty nasty wounds with all that I've been through, and my gut feeling was that this one is big trouble so we went to the ER to get it checked out.
The ER doctor and the wound care specialist on call at the time said that there isn't anything I can do to stop it from progressing at this point. I have a follow up with a wound care specialist next Monday. I wrote an update to our small group last week asking for prayer. At that time the wound was the size of the tip of my pinky. Now, a week later the wound is the size of my pinky, length, depth and height. If I literally took my pinky off my hand I could fit it right into long crater in my neck. I can see muscles in my neck moving around. My knees get weak just looking at it when I clean it.
Please pray that God would heal the wound, heal me of cancer, and relieve some of the pain. I'm back on a decent dose of narcotics to give me some comfort, but the pain breaks through the narcotics every few hours.
Despite this setback in the neck, the rest of my body is holding up ok. Other than being tired from the narcotics, I'm still doing much much better as a whole than I was doing in October when I was on narcotics. So praise God for that. Since the wound in near my voice box I am starting to really lose my voice. I'm not sure if this is from inflamation from the wound, or from cancer taking over things. Despite the pain, I'm amazed that I'm still able to spend lots of quality time with my family from NJ, who came out here to visit for the holidays. I love them so much and I'm so thankful to be together with them. They're even making the sacrifice to eat most of the meals with me here at the treatment center on this special diet!
Please pray:
1) For healing from cancer and from this wound.
2) That I wouldn't continue to be anxious or discouraged about this, that I would just see it as another way to have to trust God through this trial. I'm struggling with fears and anxiety of pain and suffering. I'm also fearful that this will cause my health to spiral down again.
3) That God would relieve my pain and give me rest at night.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Few good bosses...
ANDREW WRITES:
I sent an email yesterday to my old boss, Dave, at Motorola in Seattle to say hello to him. I had been meaning to send him an email for a long time, but I kept getting sidetracked by my health or treatments. Yesterday's email came back undeliverable, which made me wonder, because I know his email address like the back of my hand.
This week I was making plans to return to Minnesota sometime in January rather than stay the whole winter in California. I wanted to take the northern route to pass through Seattle to visit with him.
I was shocked this morning to find out the bad news. His cancer had returned soon after we moved to Minnesota. It turns out that he passed away last month.
When I first interviewed with Dave for a job in his office, I told him that I was going to get married pretty soon. As a good boss he was often thinking about the quality of my personal life, so he said to me, " Then we better fly Grace up here as well for a weekend, because if you're going to be successful, its going to be with the support of your wife."
When I first started working for Dave I was a proud, naive college graduate, but he bore with me and helped me develop despite all my flaws. In the coming years Dave continued to help me flourish as a young man and engineer. He had a profound impact on my life to say the least.
Things I learned from Dave:
1) Don't eat too many Yakima cherries at one time, they're explosive if you know what I mean.
2) Take your your work seriously, not your boss.
3) Work with the utmost integrity. It may not get you a bigger bonus or the next promotion, but its just the right thing to do.
4) To some work is their life. Dave always taught me that work is a part of life. Enjoy life and you'll enjoy work.
I sent an email yesterday to my old boss, Dave, at Motorola in Seattle to say hello to him. I had been meaning to send him an email for a long time, but I kept getting sidetracked by my health or treatments. Yesterday's email came back undeliverable, which made me wonder, because I know his email address like the back of my hand.
This week I was making plans to return to Minnesota sometime in January rather than stay the whole winter in California. I wanted to take the northern route to pass through Seattle to visit with him.
Dave was a huge help to me as I dealt with my first bout with cancer in 2007, since he himself had gone through cancer treatments a few years earlier. He totally understood what I was going through, and made sure to support me in any way he could. When I returned to work after my first round of treatments in the summer of 2007, I told him that I don't know what is around the corner in life, but I know that moving to Minnesota would be the best place for my family, especially if cancer came back. So he pushed to get me to Minnesota and still be able to keep my job with Motorola.
I was shocked this morning to find out the bad news. His cancer had returned soon after we moved to Minnesota. It turns out that he passed away last month.
When I first interviewed with Dave for a job in his office, I told him that I was going to get married pretty soon. As a good boss he was often thinking about the quality of my personal life, so he said to me, " Then we better fly Grace up here as well for a weekend, because if you're going to be successful, its going to be with the support of your wife."
When I first started working for Dave I was a proud, naive college graduate, but he bore with me and helped me develop despite all my flaws. In the coming years Dave continued to help me flourish as a young man and engineer. He had a profound impact on my life to say the least.
Things I learned from Dave:
1) Don't eat too many Yakima cherries at one time, they're explosive if you know what I mean.
2) Take your your work seriously, not your boss.
3) Work with the utmost integrity. It may not get you a bigger bonus or the next promotion, but its just the right thing to do.
4) To some work is their life. Dave always taught me that work is a part of life. Enjoy life and you'll enjoy work.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Encouraging
ANDREW WRITES:
Today at the treatment center I met a man that came here a year ago with stage 4 malignant melanoma. He had a huge tumor on his foot and cancer all the way up his leg to his thigh. A year ago they had to help him just to get up and walk to the back patio of the treatment center.
After doing this treatment for a year, he has returned. Doctors' scans show that there is only one little tiny lump in his thigh, and the tumor in his foot has gone completely away. He still limps some because there is non-cancerous dead tissue where the tumor was, but he's having that removed. He was able to take a 1.5 mile hike the other day compared to not being able to walk a year ago.
He hugged me and told me that it is a lot of work, but to stick to the therapy. If you create a good environment for your body to deal with the cancer, it can do it! Seeing his remarkable recovery and his happy spirit encourages me to keep fighting!
Please keep praying for neck and back pain relief, as that makes it difficult to sleep at night.
Today at the treatment center I met a man that came here a year ago with stage 4 malignant melanoma. He had a huge tumor on his foot and cancer all the way up his leg to his thigh. A year ago they had to help him just to get up and walk to the back patio of the treatment center.
After doing this treatment for a year, he has returned. Doctors' scans show that there is only one little tiny lump in his thigh, and the tumor in his foot has gone completely away. He still limps some because there is non-cancerous dead tissue where the tumor was, but he's having that removed. He was able to take a 1.5 mile hike the other day compared to not being able to walk a year ago.
He hugged me and told me that it is a lot of work, but to stick to the therapy. If you create a good environment for your body to deal with the cancer, it can do it! Seeing his remarkable recovery and his happy spirit encourages me to keep fighting!
Please keep praying for neck and back pain relief, as that makes it difficult to sleep at night.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thank you Lord
ANDREW AND GRACE WRITE:
This year we decided to spend Thanksgiving alone as a family. We got up early and started the normal routine for the Gerson Therapy, which means cooking oatmeal, juice, and starting lunch. We had family worship and then began preparations for a day at the beach.
We ate lunch and dinner at the beach. What I loved about it was having the day centered around the beach rather than a feast. The kids LOVED splashing in the water and playing in the sand. Around this time last year they had their shovels out playing in the snow with their hats, jackets, and gloves. This year it's sand and shirtless =).
My health is holding up still. I tried to get completely off over the counter pain meds (tylenol) but it made me miserable, so I'm going to still use a little bit to keep the sanity. The pain is centered around my neck and right shoulder. Even though I struggle with some pain, overall I'm doing much better than a month ago. I know that the reason I'm feeling better rather than worse is because God is answering your prayers.
Many of you are wondering what our daily routine is like doing the Gerson Therapy. The day starts around 7AM. Grace simmers an organic oatmeal breakfast, squeezes fresh orange juice, and washes whatever vegetables are needed for the day's juices as well as meals. After breakfast, we juice every hour until 6PM. There are 4 green juices and 5 carrot juices in addition to the fresh orange juice for my particular regimen. The green juices contain an assortment of veggies like escarole, chard, green pepper, red cabbage, red lettuce, and rommaine. The carrot juices are usually just carrots, or sometimes carrot and apple. To each juice, we add a specific regimen of supplements like pancreatin (digestive enzymes), potassium, dessicated liver, CoQ10, and Acidoll. The juicing is probably the hardest part because not only do you have to run the juicer every hour so that the juice is fresh and the enzymes don't die, but you also need to purchase and wash and cut an enormous amount of vegetables, then consume it 10 times per day. In addition, the meals are just as time consuming because most things have to be cooked fresh and then pureed for insertion into my tube.
We've had an extraordinary amount of help so far. Last Tuesday Grace had a cutting party. A group of college students who go to Grace on Campus, our old Bible study, helped wash and cut a week's worth of meals, sprayed the insides of the bags with Vitamin C to keep the veggies as fresh as the moment they were cut, and vacuum bagged them. Then Wed, Friday, and Saturday various people came from VOH, a church my friend pastors, to help in the afternoons to tidy up, help prepare dinner, clean veggies and set up for the following day. Many of these people are people we are meeting for the first time. Its almost like a restaurant the amount of stuff that is going on in the kitchen. It turns out the the kitchen in the house we're staying at in Cerritos is twice as big as our kitchen at home in Minnesota, so it actually makes things run much smoother than it might otherwise.
We know the Lord is causing this therapy to keep happening hour after hour, because so far I have gotten all of my 10 juices and all my fresh meals each day since we left the treatment center, despite how it usually takes two weeks to get settled into the therapy after leaving the center. Despite all kinds of obstacles and all the work required, by God's grace, each juice manages to come like clockwork.
Our plan is to return to the treatment center in Redlands for the month of December. It turns out the wonderful family that runs the treatment center are Christians. They saw how much progress I (and Grace too) was making in my health that they invited us back and offered us a great deal. We've been under so much pressure the past several years, that being at the treatment center is such a relief. They will take care of all the meals and juicing for us, while we relax, focus on healing and spend time with the kids. We're planning on staying in the RV with the kids for part of it, and then staying in the treatment center for the rest of the time. Then in January we're praying that the Lord will provide a place to stay and a car for a few months in the West LA area.
Huntington Beach - the weather forecast said cloudy with chance of showers. Guess they were wrong! Grace was smart enough to remember to bring all of our sand toys from Minnesota!
Lunch
The kids love waves and sand
We also got a catch the sunset
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Nourishment
ANDREW AND GRACE WRITE:
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." ~Prov 17:22
God has really blessed Grace and I beyond what we could have imagined the past few weeks. Many have been fervently praying for us and fasting every Wednesday to Thursday and God has been answering. To sum up, the past few weeks has been physical and spiritual nourishment. For the past 8 months my body has been in a downward spiral from surgeries, to radiation and chemo, to pain and narcotics, to infections and pneumonia. Grace just kept begging God specifically for relief and that He would relent from the continual onslaught of difficulty, and the Lord has answered in abundance. Since we have been in California God has broken that downward spiral with these nutritional treatments, education, sunshine, laughter, rest and exercise.
Here is a short list of answered prayers:
1) Praise God that my pain has greatly decreased. I thought it would be impossible to get off narcotics just a few months ago, but now I'm off! In addition, I don't need that much over the counter stuff since I now have learned some effective natural ways of dealing with the pain. The only time I really struggle with pain now is when I sleep. It is hard for me to lie down comfortably and rest at night, due to coughing bouts and soreness in my neck and shoulders. Please pray for relief from discomfort at night and restful sleep.
2) Grace and I are encouraged spiritually. We've really seen God do so much around us lately, and we're amazed at His power. He is answering prayer after prayer from providing for all our needs here in CA from accommodations, to babysitting, to help making my labor-intensive special diet, to cleaning, to providing spiritual nourishment when we need it, even though we are away from our church family in MN, to providing exactly the amount of financial support we need to do this.
Because the winter is so hard on my body and I'm prone to pneumonia, we're thinking of actually staying here in Southern California for a few months and wait out the winter, while we continue the therapy on our own. Please pray for wisdom whether we should stay here and that God would provide a private place to sublet and the help we need to continue this labor-intensive cancer therapy.
3) God is providing physical rest and nourishment. Even though I have some pain and tumors that are attacking my body, I feel very refreshed and nourished. In the past I've shared that I struggle to desire to eat through a tube in my stomach, but God is really changing the way I see food and my appetite has increased greatly. I think my food intake has doubled since we've been here at the treatment center.
4) The Gerson Therapy is going really well. We're totally enjoying it and it is definitely helping me feel better. Praise God for providing the wisdom and the means to do this. To be honest, Grace kept doing research and telling me about all these things she was reading about, but I was skeptical because I didn't really understand the science behind these treatments. We are so thankful that the Lord has lead us here.
Grace and I are learning so much here at the treatment center. The man who leads it is a licensed Gerson practicioner and has his PhD in nutrition. He lectures us after breakfast each day so that we can understand the science behind everything we are doing.
The Gerson Therapy was developed by Dr. Max Gerson in the 1940s. Dr. Gerson was an MD who treated and cured many patients from "incurable" diseases, including Nobel prize winner Dr. Albert Schweitzer and his wife.
Everybody in both the conventional and alternative medical industries agree with Dr. Gerson's basic theory behind treatment of degenerative diseases - use the body's natural immune response to cure disease. Yet, radiation, chemotherapy, and surgery actually destroy the immune system. In fact, cancer surgeries often include removing lymph nodes, essential parts of the body to fighting off infection and disease. Cutting-edge cancer research has begun to realize this downfall of conventional cancer treatment. The newest wave of developments, known as immunotherapy, which is still in clinical trials, tries to enhance the body's immune response to cancer by harvesting proteins and antibodies and reinjecting them into your system. 70 years after Dr. Gerson, conventional medicine has come full circle and now has the same goal as Dr. Gerson, using the body's own immune system to kill off cancer, but uses a different method.
The Gerson method seeks to naturally restore the body to a healthy state so that it can stage its own immune response to the disease the way it is supposed to. The human body is so amazingly powerful and complex, wouldn't it do a better job of creating white blood cells to kill cancer than a laboratory? This has huge benefits for not only long-term cure, but for current quality of life. It uses real nutrients the way God originally designed food, grown off of trees or out of the ground, and uses the food as medicine to flood the body with the nutrients and enzymes it needs to function normally so that the immune system can attack disease the way it was meant to. If these real foods had been nourishing the body all along, the body's systems and immune system would not have been in a compromised state and would have killed the cancer cells off before anyone had ever detected them.
In America we tend to see food as entertainment, rather than nourishment and medicine. Advertising, marketing, and billboards from the food industry tell us that food is supremely to satisfy our pleasures. While eating is one of the great pleasures of life, it can also be good for us rather than toxic to us.
The nutritional statements on food packaging shows us little or no information about the true benefit - or lack thereof - of our food. In America, we emphasize calories, fat, and protein, which can be important but good nutrition surpasses those descriptions. Today's food labeling is a gimmick that oversimplifies the science of nutrition and allows food sellers to market their products as good for us when they truly are not. Most of what we eat in an American diet is not real food at all, but food-like things synthesized, genetically altered, processed, salted and thrown in a box. You could look at the back of a bag of carrots and then pick up a bag of crackers enriched with synthetic vitamins and minerals and leave the store thinking the crackers might be better for you as a snack.
Fresh fruits and vegetables have natural versions of the vitamins and minerals that are inserted into processed foods synthetically. Synthesized vitamins often cannot be absorbed into our bodies the way they can in their natural state in foods. They also do not have the same benefit as vitamins in produce and can even be harmful at times.
More than that, food labeling says nothing of the many enzymes that exist in fruit and vegetables. Enzymes are the key to any metabolic reaction in the human body and can only be found in raw fruits and vegetables. Processing and heating foods kills the all essential enzymes. Without these enzymes, life would cease to exist.
The reason why Americans are so hungry all the time to the point that they often become overweight is because their body is crying out for real nourishment - vitamins from fresh fruit and vegetables and live enzymes. Unlike processed foods, you cannot overeat fruit and vegetables, which are really satisfying when eaten in good quantities. In fact, the more you eat, the more nutrition you receive. We're a country that can afford to eat hearty meals, but we're starving just like the rest of the world. Our bodies have plenty of calories, fat, sugars and protein, but we're starving for the real nutrition and live enzymes so essential to our bodies for real nourishment.
"Let your food be your medicine and your medicine be your food" - Hippocrates, c.400 BC
The Gerson Therapy is extremely intense and time consuming but simple and not very expensive. It consists of a combination of fresh carrot and green juices 10 times a day over a 12 hour period and a vegan, low sodium, high potassium breakfast, lunch, and dinner that equals 2,000-3,000 calories a day. In the standard American diet, meat and table salt leach potassium from the body. But potassium is what is needed to break down the cancer cell's outer layer, which disguises it from the immune system. The goal is to aggressively flood the system with nutrient-rich alkaline foods, which will bring your body's pH to optimal levels to allow normal metabolic functions to occur, as well as to consume huge amounts of enzyme-rich, raw vegetable juices to stimulate the immune system and help kill cancer cells.
In addition, the therapy includes a handful of carefully chosen inexpensive supplements and enzymes that the body uses in normal metabolic processes. The supplements are so natural that you couldn't even overdose on them if you tried, just like you couldn't overdose on vegetables. They provide the same things found in the foods we are eating, but because of the dire state a cancerous body is in, the supplements allow us to ramp up even more what we are getting.
The most invasive part of this therapy is a vitamin B-12 shot I give myself every other day. What a big step away from the list of 100 perscription drugs that I was on in March when I was in ICU, not to mention the $500,000 that went into somebody's pocket for all my treatments.
I'm thankful to my doctors for their help and I know that God is sovereign over all those events in my life, but after all of that I don't have much to show for it but a list of pains and disabilities and a poor prognosis.
I'm not saying that if you do something like the Gerson Therapy you'll suddenly be healed of all your ailments (but many many many people have been and case studies prove it), I'm simply saying that perhaps preventative medicine and non-invasive treatments such as the Gerson Therapy should be a normal part of our lives and endorsed by our government rather than the use of toxic drugs, scaples and processed foods. Each year the FDA approves food coloring after food coloring, and artificial flavor A, B, and Z, and new genetically modified foods void of nutrition, and sets the safe levels of lead and arsenic and pesticides that can be in our foods. And who sits on the boards of the FDA and the National Cancer Institute? The advisory committees for these agencies have ties to the most powerful petrochemical, pharmaceutical, and food companies. Check out the FDA website, you'll see that the ONLY two experts in nutrition on the science board are from Coca Cola, Inc. and Mars, Inc.
My hope is that each of us when we do research about health can see past the superficial layer of marketing, propoganda, and skewed statistics that pervades our society, and make informed decisions based on how our unique, individual body actually works. My hope is that others would be able to discover this sooner than we did. We are not a statistic and our individual and family's needs are not the same as our neighbors. There is great information out there, but we tend to not see it unless we're really looking, particularly because culturally we are so accustomed to eating the standard American diet and taking a pill for everything. God is teaching Grace and I more every day. If we pray with faith in God rather than in doctors or ourselves, and beg Him for wisdom, He will answer.
Prayer Requests:
1) That God would continue to nurse me back to health and heal me completely of cancer.
2) For wisdom about treatments. We're taking the Gerson Therapy one month at a time. After each month we're going to reevaluate its effectiveness and whether or not we should add/subtract something, or go in a different direction. The great thing is that as we learn more about our bodies, we can take control of our healthcare and make decisions on our own. Since we've been here, my health has been very stable, and my energy and spirits are way up!
3) For wisdom whether or not to stay in CA for the winter. After having pneumonia practically the entire month of September you can probably imagine that I am hesitant to return to the harsh winter in MN, especially with the amount of sickness my kids bring home. Plus, with the sunshine and the warm weather I can get fresh air and exercise, so essential to good health, everyday outside. Please pray for wisdom about this and that God will provide a place to sublet for a few months if He leads us to stay.
We've made new friends! It is much more enjoyable to share this treatment experience with really cool people. They skipped conventional treatments and are not enduring the pain and stress (which totally obstructs healing) brought on by chemo, radiation, or surgery, so it is a really positive, hopeful atmosphere filled with laughter. We cannot help but see each other as not having that dreadful word, "cancer," but rather people who have something in their bodies that they want to get rid of and get healthy in the process.
The juicing station.
The really nice people running the therapy do all the work, providing me with 20 lbs of enzyme and nutrient-rich vegetables per day. The grind and press method using a Norwalk juicer is the most effective juicing method and provides predigested juice that can be quickly absorbed into my blood stream (by the way, Dr. Norman Walker who invented this juicer lived to be really old, despite originally having gotten into nutrition due to bad health). That juice is incredibly rich in chlorophyll.
My meal.
What you see above are four cups of food blended in a Vita-Mix for insertion into my tube. Usually there is a mixture of potatoes, salad, veggies, Hippocrates soup, raw garlic, flax oil and a handful of supplements. Before I came here, I was only able to get 2 cups into my stomach before feeling nauseous and giving up on eating. When I got here I started at 3 cups. Now I can get at least 4 cups in at each meal plus 10 cups of juice per day! This in itself is a huge praise because my weight is so low.
Salads and raw vegetables are the norm.
A cup of carrot juice. I get a total of 10-11 fresh juices per day.
The ancient Hippocrates soup!
The Lord paints the gospel and His characteristics throughout all creation. What a picture of the gospel real food is that God made. How despite how we don't deserve it, within a matter of less than two years, even the most physically bad off, can still have everything reversed and be to better health than ever. His mercy is over all of His creation!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Thanks for the memories...Part 1 of 4
ANDREW WRITES:
On Friday, Saturday and Sunday got to visit with many of our old friends from when we used to live in Southern California at UCLA. On Sunday night we had a get together in Fullerton. Even though we planned it last minute, some of our friends and family were able to make it. People came from all over the place to be with us from Seattle, to Northern California, to Maryland.
To say the least, the past several days has been an extremely encouraging time catching up. I was afraid it would feel weird like it was everybody's last chance to see me before I die. But instead it was just like catching up on the past few years. On Sunday night I was having such a great time laughing that I forgot about pain and cancer. During the sharing time Kenny summed up a year or two of memories as "legendary debacles." My old roomate, Mike (a.k.a. Sung), finally admitted that the low point in his life was when he was living with me (see videos)!
I wanted to have the sharing time so that I could video tape it for my kids. I want my kids to hear from my family and friends that if I die, it might be sad but its not an empty tragedy. I want my kids to see that God was faithful to use my life for a purpose, to be there for others. In the same way, God used every single person in that room and countless others to be there for me through the thick and thin, to hold me up when I was weak, to teach me something new each day, and to enrich my life with experiences that molded me into who I am today. I treasure these words because not because they mean that I am great, but that God is great. That He would rescue somebody like me from hell, but also that He would rescue me from squandering my life. Praise God that He would use me to have impact. Even if it is a small impact for just a few years. That is a picture of the gospel.
Unfortunately my parents were not able to come out to California last minute to be there, but they of course have been and still are the most influential people in my life. Thank you all for being who you are and for being in my life. Thanks for the memories.
Video Part 1 (more parts in blogs below. If you can I encourage you to watch them all. You'll catch a glimpse of my history and the Lord's faithfulness in my life. Prayer requests and updates are at the end of Part 4):
See Video Part 2 in the blog below...
Thanks for the Memories...Part 4
Video Part 4:
Prayer Requests:
1) Praise God that things have been going great at the treatment center! We are learning so much about the human body and how to help it fight disease. Pray that the treatments would work and that God would heal me completely. I'm feeling better than I have in a very long time! The children are doing great. The Lord is answering your prayers for us.
2) Praise God that this past week has been rich and filled with blessings through old and new relationships. We are greatly encouraged to see those we love and miss face to face, and to hear how God is working in their lives.
3) Pray that God would provide a way to continue this 12 hour per day, 7 day per week, intense therapy on our own after the first two weeks as the juicing and special foods need to be made fresh daily. This is more work than we would be able to handle.
4) Continue to pray for the kids as they have been spending time with different people each day while I'm in treatment. We get to see them in the morning and at night. Praise God for providing help to watch the kids during the day.
More Pictures:
My cousin Dan and Sarah (Pei Pei) and her husband Todd. We all grew up together in Danville before I moved to NJ. Where'd Gracie go?
Everybody gathered around for a sharing time. People were so kind to give our children some new toys to play with!
Some friends from UCLA. Left to right: Frank, Nik, John, me, Luke, Bo, Chris, Mike (Sung), and Kenny
Matt, Angel, Philip and Jeanna visited us in Cerritos on Saturday. Philip and Jeanna are from the Philippines. Philip is currently at the Master's seminary and plans to return to the Philippines when he finishes.
Our friends from UCLA who now go to Immanuel Bible Church. Its funny how we're almost all married now!
Friday, November 07, 2008
Praise God!
ANDREW WRITES:
Praise God that we made it to California safely. The first two days were rough being in a 9 foot wide box with 5 people, but after a while things smoothed out and we got more used to it. I enjoyed the trip, the kids did great, and God has answered so many prayers. We are now staying at a friend's house in Cerritos that they recently moved out but is still partially furnished. I was taking a walk in the warm sun this morning praying and just thanking the Lord for all that He is doing in and around us.
This Sunday we will be having a get-together at our friend, Joy's, house in Fullerton from 4-8PM. Details are in the blog below.
Update - During the get together at 6 PM on Sunday we will have a time of sharing which I hope to video tape for my kids to keep. If you are planning on coming I hope you can make it to that. Food will be provided. See address in the blog below.
Praises:
1) The Lord granted us an enjoyable trip to CA and brought us here safely.
2) I'm feeling better physically because I've been able to get off narcotics for a week now (and its sunny and warm). My body has finally adjusted to simple over the counter pain meds. Also, though we've been traveling we've been able to maintain my special diet, blend healthy organic foods, and juice for me.
3) The Lord provided a relaxing, private, 3 bedroom house for us to stay in and relax for a few days before I begin treatment. This is such a retreat for us! I'm almost tempted to blow off treatments and just hang out here for 2 weeks!
4) We're feeling spiritually encouraged and refreshed as we have had time to relax and spend in God's word and prayer as a family. The Lord must truly be answering your prayers for us. I feel excited about what God is doing around us. Keep praying big prayers! I feel like God is going to do great things. Maybe Jesus will return soon and usher in the new Kingdom!
Here are some pictures from our trip:
Day 1 - Driving through Iowa.
Day 2 - We relaxed all afternoon at a beautiful park in Oklahoma City. I had no idea what to expect from Oklahoma. This was an absolutely beautiful place on a beautiful afternoon.
Day 3 - We started our morning routine at a park in Amarillo, Tx
Day 4 - We started our morning routine at a park in Flagstaff, Az. We met Ray and Bonita, Hopi Native Americans and had an opportunity to have a great conversation with them.
Day 4 - The Grand Canyon. Wow. I've seen pictures, but seeing it and looking over the edge with no railing really makes you feel small. I was absolutely amazed. This is the one trip I never was able to make while I lived in Los Angeles. I'm glad I was finally able to make it there.
Gracie soaking up the sun in Cerritos, CA. We made it!
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
A California Get Together on Nov 9th! (updated)
We're currently in Flagstaff, AZ. We should be arriving in Los Angeles in the next day or two.
We've decided to do the Gerson treatment at the treatment center in California on Nov 11 for one or two weeks.
We would love to visit with any or all of you while we are in California. On Nov 9th our friend, Joy Chiu, will be hosting a get-together for us at her house in Fullerton (RSVP at this updated link). Old friends, those we haven't seen in years, and those who only know us through our blog are all welcome alike. We would love to see you or even meet you for the first time. RSVP via the link above.
If you cannot make it Sunday at 4pm, we will be at Immanuel Bible Church (http://www.ibcbible.org/) on Sunday morning and will be able to meet with friends during lunch at the church.
Location:
Joy Chiu's Home
2023 Ladera Vista Drive, Fullerton, CA 92831
Snacks and refreshments are provided. Also, if you so wish, please feel free to bring some food for others to share.
When:
Sunday, November 9, 4:00-8:00PM
Phone: 714-203-4330
Please pray that our time in California would be a refreshing and restful time for our family and an opportunity to enjoy each other without all of the distractions we've faced over the past several months.
Please pray also for our encouragement and that we might encourage all those we encounter.
We are thankful for all of you and all of your words and deeds of encouragement!
P.S. My voice is very soft and raspy and I have difficulty speaking ,so please just bare with me. You might have to ask me to repeat myself.
We've decided to do the Gerson treatment at the treatment center in California on Nov 11 for one or two weeks.
We would love to visit with any or all of you while we are in California. On Nov 9th our friend, Joy Chiu, will be hosting a get-together for us at her house in Fullerton (RSVP at this updated link). Old friends, those we haven't seen in years, and those who only know us through our blog are all welcome alike. We would love to see you or even meet you for the first time. RSVP via the link above.
If you cannot make it Sunday at 4pm, we will be at Immanuel Bible Church (http://www.ibcbible.org/) on Sunday morning and will be able to meet with friends during lunch at the church.
Location:
Joy Chiu's Home
2023 Ladera Vista Drive, Fullerton, CA 92831
Snacks and refreshments are provided. Also, if you so wish, please feel free to bring some food for others to share.
When:
Sunday, November 9, 4:00-8:00PM
Phone: 714-203-4330
Please pray that our time in California would be a refreshing and restful time for our family and an opportunity to enjoy each other without all of the distractions we've faced over the past several months.
Please pray also for our encouragement and that we might encourage all those we encounter.
We are thankful for all of you and all of your words and deeds of encouragement!
P.S. My voice is very soft and raspy and I have difficulty speaking ,so please just bare with me. You might have to ask me to repeat myself.
Friday, October 31, 2008
What am I living for?
ANDREW WRITES:
I've been having some ups and downs lately. Physically it has been difficult because getting off my addiction to narcotic pain meds really really throws my body into a physical and mental depression. Praise God that after months of struggling with this I'm basically off! Once in a while I take 1/10th of a dose if my body is freaking out, but these should be the last few days of narcotics. The good thing is that I'm more alert and able to function more normally. The bad thing is that I feel a lot of aches and nerve pain in my neck, head and right shoulder. This makes it very difficult to sleep at night. Please pray for my rest at night and for relief from the pain, I haven't had a good nights rest in as long as I can remember.
On Tuesday I had a lunch meeting with Bob after physical therapy. I was really struggling that day to find joy in anything. On top of the physical difficulties of aches and pains, I've been struggling mentally and spiritually with motivation to do anything helpful for my family. I told Bob that all of my goals have been dashed to pieces. I looked forward to growing in my marriage with Grace and sending our kids off to school and growing old together. I longed for the day when I would send AJ and Gracie to school on the bus, or when I would sit down across from AJ and tell him all about college before sending him off. So much for dreams of making enough money to travel or have a comfy retirement, or even providing financial security for my family. I'm even unmotivated about keeping myself alive through my feeding tube because there is nothing satisfying about it anymore. So what am I living for?
Bob responded by saying, "If these are the things that motivate you, then you're not living for the glory of God. Everybody struggles with this, but you're just more aware because you're facing the end of your life."
That cut to my heart. How could I have been so blind to this. I've always thought I wanted to live for God's glory, but when God starts taking away what seems most important in life, the heart motivations are exposed. I mean I've boldly preached the gospel, I've served at church, I'm teaching 2 kids about the bible, I'm working on my marriage, I study God's word all the time. Could all that stuff be done with faulty motivations? During the 1-mile walk back home from our meeting I spent some time thinking and praying about this. I felt so ashamed. I'm starting to see who I really am deep down inside, and how deceptive my heart really is. It's so awful and ugly. I never knew that it could be this hard to face who you really are.
But praise be to God that through Jesus Christ my filthy stains have been washed away. Jesus died that sinners like me may live. And though I fail all the time, Jesus works in me to actually change me from the heart, not just on the outside. And through Jesus I can start to live for His glory rather than for myself. By seeing myself more clearly for who I really am, though I'm dying, I think I'm starting to truly live.
There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.
E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.
Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy power to save,
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.
There is A Fountain Filled With Blood, William Cowper, 1772
I've been having some ups and downs lately. Physically it has been difficult because getting off my addiction to narcotic pain meds really really throws my body into a physical and mental depression. Praise God that after months of struggling with this I'm basically off! Once in a while I take 1/10th of a dose if my body is freaking out, but these should be the last few days of narcotics. The good thing is that I'm more alert and able to function more normally. The bad thing is that I feel a lot of aches and nerve pain in my neck, head and right shoulder. This makes it very difficult to sleep at night. Please pray for my rest at night and for relief from the pain, I haven't had a good nights rest in as long as I can remember.
On Tuesday I had a lunch meeting with Bob after physical therapy. I was really struggling that day to find joy in anything. On top of the physical difficulties of aches and pains, I've been struggling mentally and spiritually with motivation to do anything helpful for my family. I told Bob that all of my goals have been dashed to pieces. I looked forward to growing in my marriage with Grace and sending our kids off to school and growing old together. I longed for the day when I would send AJ and Gracie to school on the bus, or when I would sit down across from AJ and tell him all about college before sending him off. So much for dreams of making enough money to travel or have a comfy retirement, or even providing financial security for my family. I'm even unmotivated about keeping myself alive through my feeding tube because there is nothing satisfying about it anymore. So what am I living for?
Bob responded by saying, "If these are the things that motivate you, then you're not living for the glory of God. Everybody struggles with this, but you're just more aware because you're facing the end of your life."
That cut to my heart. How could I have been so blind to this. I've always thought I wanted to live for God's glory, but when God starts taking away what seems most important in life, the heart motivations are exposed. I mean I've boldly preached the gospel, I've served at church, I'm teaching 2 kids about the bible, I'm working on my marriage, I study God's word all the time. Could all that stuff be done with faulty motivations? During the 1-mile walk back home from our meeting I spent some time thinking and praying about this. I felt so ashamed. I'm starting to see who I really am deep down inside, and how deceptive my heart really is. It's so awful and ugly. I never knew that it could be this hard to face who you really are.
But praise be to God that through Jesus Christ my filthy stains have been washed away. Jesus died that sinners like me may live. And though I fail all the time, Jesus works in me to actually change me from the heart, not just on the outside. And through Jesus I can start to live for His glory rather than for myself. By seeing myself more clearly for who I really am, though I'm dying, I think I'm starting to truly live.
There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.
E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.
Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy power to save,
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.
There is A Fountain Filled With Blood, William Cowper, 1772
Prayer Requests:
1) Pray for complete healing, relief from pain, and that I would be able to rest at night.
2) Pray for Grace as she keeps our family together. There is just so much work to do as I am on a time consuming special diet and I need fresh juice 6 times per day. Praise God for her help and encouragement!
2) Pray for me about what I shared above. Pray that God would start changing my heart motivations in life to the glory of God alone and that He would grant me true repentance.
3) Pray for safety and quality time with my family, extended family, and friends during our trip to California. Pray that we would be an encouragement to others and that our time together would be profitable and for God's glory. Praise God for providing our friend, Johnny, who is going to drive with us there in an RV, leaving Saturday Nov 1.
4) Pray for wisdom about alternative and experimental treatments. We're not sure to what degree we will do the Gerson Therapy at a clinic in the Los Angeles area. We might start it at the clinic, or we might just learn it and start it at home. Pray also for wisdom about doing experimental Immunotherapy and Gene Therapies that are in clinical trials at MD Anderson and Sloan Kettering.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Beyond What We Ask or Think
We had prayer meeting last Wednesday night and the elders prayed over me. Bob encouraged us to pray believing Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us."
Do I truly believe that the great God of the universe who created all things from nothing can heal a few tumors?
Do I believe He can do FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY more than that?
Do I believe that He can transform the Twin Cities Metro with the gospel through the Holy Spirit? Can I imagine crime decreasing, welfare cases decreasing, divorce rates decreasing, unwanted pregnancies decreasing, or children obeying their parents because the gospel is transforming hearts of stone into hearts that worship the true and living God?
Do I believe that God can transform a nation through the gospel?
Do I believe that God can transform the entire world through it? He can do it, and abundantly more than that!
I was greatly encouraged by John Piper's sermons on prayer and fasting from January of 1995. If you haven't already heard them, I highly recommend these sermons as they give much biblical and practical counsel on the subject of prayer and fasting. Piper's book, A Hunger for God, is similar in content if you prefer to read than to listen.
I know so many people have been praying, and perhaps fasting, begging God to heal me for the past 2 years. From Eph 3:20 I believe God can do that and so much more. Lets pray that God will not only heal me, but blow our minds by answering BIG prayers for our cities, country, and nation. Lets hunger and pray not only for healing of physical sickness, but that the Holy Spirit would come and revive the spiritual deadness in our world and cause us to hunger for God rather than for food, or comfort, or money, or vacations, or promotions or whatever it is that can never truly satisfy us!
As fellow brethren from all over the world, would you please consider a group fast as individuals, small groups, or churches every week from Wednesday after dinner until dinner on Thursday for 5 weeks ending at the Thanksgiving feast?
1) Pray that Jesus would return soon.
2) Pray that through the Holy Spirit the gospel would go forth and transform our families, our cities, and our nations for His glory.
3) Pray that God would perform a miracle before our very eyes to heal me of cancer and restore my speech and swallowing.
4) And please encourage everyone by sharing how God is answering these prayers and whatever other prayers are heavy on your hearts that we may praise God together, that He truly is the God who does far more abundantly than what we can ask and can far surpass the furthest extents of our imagination.
They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth.
And He asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood.
"It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"
And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."
When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again."
After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, "He is dead!"
But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up.
When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, "Why could we not drive it out?"
And He said to them, "This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer."
Mark 9:20-29 (NASB)
Do I truly believe that the great God of the universe who created all things from nothing can heal a few tumors?
Do I believe He can do FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY more than that?
Do I believe that He can transform the Twin Cities Metro with the gospel through the Holy Spirit? Can I imagine crime decreasing, welfare cases decreasing, divorce rates decreasing, unwanted pregnancies decreasing, or children obeying their parents because the gospel is transforming hearts of stone into hearts that worship the true and living God?
Do I believe that God can transform a nation through the gospel?
Do I believe that God can transform the entire world through it? He can do it, and abundantly more than that!
I was greatly encouraged by John Piper's sermons on prayer and fasting from January of 1995. If you haven't already heard them, I highly recommend these sermons as they give much biblical and practical counsel on the subject of prayer and fasting. Piper's book, A Hunger for God, is similar in content if you prefer to read than to listen.
I know so many people have been praying, and perhaps fasting, begging God to heal me for the past 2 years. From Eph 3:20 I believe God can do that and so much more. Lets pray that God will not only heal me, but blow our minds by answering BIG prayers for our cities, country, and nation. Lets hunger and pray not only for healing of physical sickness, but that the Holy Spirit would come and revive the spiritual deadness in our world and cause us to hunger for God rather than for food, or comfort, or money, or vacations, or promotions or whatever it is that can never truly satisfy us!
As fellow brethren from all over the world, would you please consider a group fast as individuals, small groups, or churches every week from Wednesday after dinner until dinner on Thursday for 5 weeks ending at the Thanksgiving feast?
1) Pray that Jesus would return soon.
2) Pray that through the Holy Spirit the gospel would go forth and transform our families, our cities, and our nations for His glory.
3) Pray that God would perform a miracle before our very eyes to heal me of cancer and restore my speech and swallowing.
4) And please encourage everyone by sharing how God is answering these prayers and whatever other prayers are heavy on your hearts that we may praise God together, that He truly is the God who does far more abundantly than what we can ask and can far surpass the furthest extents of our imagination.
They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth.
And He asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood.
"It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"
And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."
When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again."
After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, "He is dead!"
But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up.
When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, "Why could we not drive it out?"
And He said to them, "This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer."
Mark 9:20-29 (NASB)
Friday, October 24, 2008
Plans modified
As we've been praying and talking about this alternative therapy, it seems as if God is changing our hearts to modify our plans a little. In light of the priorities that we laid out last week, it doesn't seem like being away from my children, and doing such an intense all-consuming therapy will be good for us. Instead, while I'm still up and about I think we should have as much fun together as possible, and fit parts of that therapy into our lives so long as it doesn't take too much time.
Our friend is going to allow us to borrow their RV for a few weeks so we can get away and travel a bit. With an RV we can travel but still be able to feed me healthy foods and juices and spend lots of time together. We still want to go to Southern California to be with our friends and visit a clinic where we can learn the therapy. Instead of doing inpatient therapy, we plan to do a few outpatient classes or have a trained therpist come to us to teach us how to administer parts of the therapy.
Thanks to everybody who generously offered a place to stay. We're considering our options and will need to stop somewhere in SoCal. Hopefully we'll be able to see many of you face to face.
We'll keep you updated!
Continue to pray for full healing and restoration. God is able to do far more than we can ask or think.
Praise God that things at home are continuing to run more and more smoothly, and we've had help setting up our house.
Our friend is going to allow us to borrow their RV for a few weeks so we can get away and travel a bit. With an RV we can travel but still be able to feed me healthy foods and juices and spend lots of time together. We still want to go to Southern California to be with our friends and visit a clinic where we can learn the therapy. Instead of doing inpatient therapy, we plan to do a few outpatient classes or have a trained therpist come to us to teach us how to administer parts of the therapy.
Thanks to everybody who generously offered a place to stay. We're considering our options and will need to stop somewhere in SoCal. Hopefully we'll be able to see many of you face to face.
We'll keep you updated!
**************
In the meantime please pray for my rest at night. My neck continues to hurt more and more, especially as I've been getting off narcotics. Its not a severe pain, but more of a constant ache that makes it difficult to sleep.Continue to pray for full healing and restoration. God is able to do far more than we can ask or think.
Praise God that things at home are continuing to run more and more smoothly, and we've had help setting up our house.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Prayer and help
Grace and I are looking into doing an alternative therapy that may require us to travel. Our options are to:
1) Go to a clinic in Loma Linda, CA near Riverside.
2) Go to a similar clinic in Tijuana, Mexico.
3) Have a caregiver come to our home in Minnesota and teach us the therapy.
In all three cases we will learn the therapy and continue it at home. Please pray for wisdom about what to do, and that God would open and close the doors according to His will for us. In addition, pray that if God wills for us to do this that He would provide for the logistics and the help we need. Personally I would lean toward the California location since that is our old stomping ground.
If we go to Loma Linda or Mexico we will need a place for our kids to stay nearby since they can't stay at the clinic. We'll bring somebody along with us (person yet to be determined) to help with the kids. If anybody reading this has a rental or a place in the Los Angeles or Riverside areas we could use for a few weeks in early November please email me. Thanks!
Please also keep praying that we would trust God and treasure Him more than life itself. It is easy to get caught up and stressed out by relying on our own efforts.
1) Go to a clinic in Loma Linda, CA near Riverside.
2) Go to a similar clinic in Tijuana, Mexico.
3) Have a caregiver come to our home in Minnesota and teach us the therapy.
In all three cases we will learn the therapy and continue it at home. Please pray for wisdom about what to do, and that God would open and close the doors according to His will for us. In addition, pray that if God wills for us to do this that He would provide for the logistics and the help we need. Personally I would lean toward the California location since that is our old stomping ground.
If we go to Loma Linda or Mexico we will need a place for our kids to stay nearby since they can't stay at the clinic. We'll bring somebody along with us (person yet to be determined) to help with the kids. If anybody reading this has a rental or a place in the Los Angeles or Riverside areas we could use for a few weeks in early November please email me. Thanks!
Please also keep praying that we would trust God and treasure Him more than life itself. It is easy to get caught up and stressed out by relying on our own efforts.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
To Be Held
ANDREW WRITES:
Dr. Yueh said that usually when cancer spreads to a place like the spine people on average live about 1 year. He said that you never know because his uncle lived 7 years even through the doctors told him he had about a year. Dr. Yueh also said that for me things will probably get very painful, so I might end up on very high doses of drugs which will make me unable to function properly. In addition, there might be a point where I lose by voice to the cancer, so I can't expect to be a fully capable person during the entire time I'm alive. In a conservative plan, I think we should plan for 6 months of alertness, and if I do better that would be awesome.
So in the next 6 months I'm going to focus on 4 main things:
a) Spending quality time with my wife and kids as well as some time with other loved ones.
b) Writing lots of letters of encouragement and instruction to my wife and kids especially for watershed moments in their lives.
c) Preparing Grace for life without me. That includes instructing her on future decisions, teaching her to do some of my jobs like the finances, reorganizing and setting up our house for her to be effective, etc...
d) Keeping myself healthy and mentally alert by exercising and doing miscellaneous work.
This week despite the sad news we've been quite happy. Not only have I been feeling better from pneumonia, I think God has answered your prayers and greatly encouraged our family. I've postponed my speech and physical therapy appointments until we figure out what we're going to do next. That gave me some time to just get out with my family and enjoy the beautiful fall colors. We drove through some parks in Minneapolis and took walks around some of the lakes and along the Mississippi river.
Since my health has been stable all week, we decided we should use Saturday to get some things done around the house. Friday afternoon we sent out a late notice email to ask for help for an hour to move our bed, 4 bookshelves, and some miscellaneous stuff around in our house. Since I was diagnosed with cancer just weeks after moving into our house, we've been waiting for a long time to get things set up properly. On Saturday 6 or 7 guys showed up and moved that stuff in about an hour as expected. Then to our surprise they kept asking what else they could do. We had a million other things that we needed done but didn't want to burden others with so much work. The guys stayed all afternoon and just humbly served us and completely rearranged and organized our 3 bedrooms upstairs and our family room. Somebody even vacuumed, mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, and brought a stack of firewood into our garage. Then to top it off they reconfigured our printers, TV, DVD player, lights and everything else that got moved, tangled and unplugged. Wow.
At the end of all the work I was resting in my recliner upstairs and our dear brother, Mark, came up before he left. I had asked him in the past specifically to pray for me and hold me accountable because I was struggling with leadership of my family. He asked me about it and I told him that my great anxiety right now is feeling overwhelmed by all that needs to be done to prepare my family for life without me. And my second greatest anxiety is fear of pain.
Mark said to me, "We love you guys so much. We would do anything for you guys. If you die God is going to take care of you family no matter what." He also reminded me that not only is the church going to take care of them if I die, Jesus is going to shepherd them. He is their Chief Shepherd. After he left, I felt so encouraged because the words he said to me were proven to be true with deeds. God sent men to our house to take care of more things than I could have asked for today, and He will continue to take care of all our needs.
I was holding Gracie the other night and she fell asleep in my arms curled up in a ball. I just sat there enjoying her soft breathing and the content expression on her face, wishing that I could go back to the days when my parents held me like that. Oh I how I longed to be tenderly held and cared for like my baby Gracie. Today, I truly felt that way.
Dr. Yueh said that usually when cancer spreads to a place like the spine people on average live about 1 year. He said that you never know because his uncle lived 7 years even through the doctors told him he had about a year. Dr. Yueh also said that for me things will probably get very painful, so I might end up on very high doses of drugs which will make me unable to function properly. In addition, there might be a point where I lose by voice to the cancer, so I can't expect to be a fully capable person during the entire time I'm alive. In a conservative plan, I think we should plan for 6 months of alertness, and if I do better that would be awesome.
The pneumonia that I mentioned in my last post is clearing up. I'll be on antibiotics for longer this time. I actually felt pretty good by Tuesday and met with Bob at Starbucks to talk a little more about priorities. Grace and I are so thankful that the elders of our church are mentoring us through this because they are so much wiser than us. I wouldn't even know where to start in terms of making preparations to die. Bob gave me some good guidance to start prioritizing my time and planning for the next few months.
At first I was a little hesitant about making plans to die, because it seems as if I'm throwing in the towel. But Bob told me that we need to both believe and pray that God will prolong my life, and at the same time get things ready as if I was going to die soon. Its like praying for the best but still being prepared for the worst. He gave me the example of how God said David's son would die after he sinned with Bathsheba, but David still prayed and fasted begging God to change his mind. Although everything we know about my current health situation would say that I may die soon, we can pray with faith begging God to prolong my life. If God does, then that would be awesome, but if God allows me to die of cancer then I want to be as ready as possible.So in the next 6 months I'm going to focus on 4 main things:
a) Spending quality time with my wife and kids as well as some time with other loved ones.
b) Writing lots of letters of encouragement and instruction to my wife and kids especially for watershed moments in their lives.
c) Preparing Grace for life without me. That includes instructing her on future decisions, teaching her to do some of my jobs like the finances, reorganizing and setting up our house for her to be effective, etc...
d) Keeping myself healthy and mentally alert by exercising and doing miscellaneous work.
This week despite the sad news we've been quite happy. Not only have I been feeling better from pneumonia, I think God has answered your prayers and greatly encouraged our family. I've postponed my speech and physical therapy appointments until we figure out what we're going to do next. That gave me some time to just get out with my family and enjoy the beautiful fall colors. We drove through some parks in Minneapolis and took walks around some of the lakes and along the Mississippi river.
Since my health has been stable all week, we decided we should use Saturday to get some things done around the house. Friday afternoon we sent out a late notice email to ask for help for an hour to move our bed, 4 bookshelves, and some miscellaneous stuff around in our house. Since I was diagnosed with cancer just weeks after moving into our house, we've been waiting for a long time to get things set up properly. On Saturday 6 or 7 guys showed up and moved that stuff in about an hour as expected. Then to our surprise they kept asking what else they could do. We had a million other things that we needed done but didn't want to burden others with so much work. The guys stayed all afternoon and just humbly served us and completely rearranged and organized our 3 bedrooms upstairs and our family room. Somebody even vacuumed, mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, and brought a stack of firewood into our garage. Then to top it off they reconfigured our printers, TV, DVD player, lights and everything else that got moved, tangled and unplugged. Wow.
At the end of all the work I was resting in my recliner upstairs and our dear brother, Mark, came up before he left. I had asked him in the past specifically to pray for me and hold me accountable because I was struggling with leadership of my family. He asked me about it and I told him that my great anxiety right now is feeling overwhelmed by all that needs to be done to prepare my family for life without me. And my second greatest anxiety is fear of pain.
Mark said to me, "We love you guys so much. We would do anything for you guys. If you die God is going to take care of you family no matter what." He also reminded me that not only is the church going to take care of them if I die, Jesus is going to shepherd them. He is their Chief Shepherd. After he left, I felt so encouraged because the words he said to me were proven to be true with deeds. God sent men to our house to take care of more things than I could have asked for today, and He will continue to take care of all our needs.
I was holding Gracie the other night and she fell asleep in my arms curled up in a ball. I just sat there enjoying her soft breathing and the content expression on her face, wishing that I could go back to the days when my parents held me like that. Oh I how I longed to be tenderly held and cared for like my baby Gracie. Today, I truly felt that way.
***********
Prayer requests:
1) That God would heal me of cancer completely. Especially of the tumors in my neck and spine.
2) That we could continue to be encouraged by God's promises to us. We have good days and bad days, but pray that we would just have good days.
3) For wisdom about alternative treatments
4) That we would be able to effectively use our time according to the priorities described above.
5) That I would not be anxious about what needs to be done or about pain but would cast those cares upon Jesus.
6) Pray for relief of discomforts in my neck and that I would be able to rest at night.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sooner than later (updated)
ANDREW WRITES:
This cancer is mad, and it just won't go away. I had an MRI yesterday and the doctors are pretty certain that there is cancer in my spine on the back of my neck, and there might be cancer in the base of my neck in the front. The MRI wasn't clear enough to make that determination, but I'm pretty sure there is cancer there as well because I can feel it. Not only is there a sore lump on my neck near my thyroid, my blood tests showed that my thyroid function is pooping out faster than expected. So, it is likely that I have cancer in my neck that is invading the thyroid.
Since the spine cannot be operated on, the doctors say that there really isn't anything I can do at this point but wait and see if it grows in 3 months. I could do a biopsy to confirm it but it is not guaranteed to be conclusive because needle biopsies into the spine are not extremely accurate. Removing a tumor from the front of my neck would require me to lose my voice box and have to breath out of a hole in my neck. Given that there is tumor in my spine, that would be pointless. I might as well keep my voice as long as I can.
So, the reality is that unless God intervenes, I'll probably be leaving this world sooner than later. That doesn't mean that we've given up on fighting cancer, it just means that we're going to think realistically about my situation. Only God knows how long I have left and He might just heal me, or even provide some new alternative therapy that cures me. We've been trying different alternative therepies over the past year, from diet, to aggressive juicing, to supplements, but in the end it is all in God's hands. I'm praying that if God takes me home soon I'll be mentally alert and able to talk until the bitter end.
We talked with Bob, our pastor and brother-in-law, and he helped us think about our priorities better. I think this whole time we've been making survival our top priority and everything else in life secondary. After exhausting all conventional cancer therapies and many natural therapies, I think its time to rethink the game plan. We're still praying about this, but I think quality of life is going to now be top priority, and any treatments will have to fit into that. Therefore, I won't be doing any more major surgeries or chemo treatments unless it will increase my quality of life. I want to spend my last days with my family and prepare them for a life without me.
I feel like there are so many things I want to say but perhaps not enough time to say them. For one thing, I wish I could travel all over the country and see everybody one last time before I go. Maybe that will happen. Or perhaps people could visit.
Psalm 90:12, "Teach us to number our days that we may present to you a heart of wisdom."
As I meditate on that passage and look back on my life I see so many wrong decisions. I wish I could go back in time and change them. Instead of making a list that could go on and on I need to recognize firstly that God is sovereign over those mistakes, and secondly that each of those mistakes should serve to make me more and more humble, and more and more dependent on forgiveness through Jesus. I take great comfort in the fact that Jesus died for my sins and and forgives me. As far as the east is from the west so far has He removed my transgressions from me (Psalm 103:12).
Looking back, one thing I'll never regret is following Jesus Christ even if it meant hardship. When I was 21 years old God placed in my heart an inescapable desire to follow Him. When I first became a Christian I spent a lot of time reading Paul's letters in the bible and came to believe that the Christian life was often described as a very difficult one. My old small group leader from UCLA emailed me the other day and reminded me about something I had shared in small group as a new Christian. I said something along the lines that suffering was good because God clearly uses it to grow His children, so we ought to ask God to grow us even if it meant we were inviting suffering.
Phil 1:29 says, "For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, "
Phil 3:9-11 says, "and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Rom 8:17 says, "and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. .
I deep down had a feeling that God was preparing me for hardship. The other guys in the room thought I was a lunatic because it seemed as if I was asking for suffering. I never asked for suffering, but just desired that God would grow and stretch me and that He would put His name on display in my life. I never would have imagined that this could happen to me, but I think that was the Holy Spirit working in my heart to prepare me for this trial later in life. We all suffer to varying degrees and in varying ways, but God has chosen this particular path for my life that He might conform us all into His image.
In Matthew 16:26 Jesus says, "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" It is foolish to waste our lives chasing success and pleasure when we have not dealt with the most important matter at hand - the well being of your soul. Am I prepared to die? What will happen after I die?
Tonight God is impressing upon my heart to warn of the coming judgement. Whether or not you consider yourself a Christian, I ask that you read on. We all need a daily dose of the truth.
The book of Genesis says that God created the entire world including humans and set a standard of morality for His creation to adhere to. All people, even ones who seem really nice on the outside, sin in some way and offend God. We are greedy, we cheat, we exaggerate the truth, a.k.a lie. If you still don't think you've offended a holy God, have you "loved the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and strength" as He commands in Deuteronomy 6:5? Jesus says that is the greatest commandment. Romans 3:23 says, "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." God, being a just God, must punish our crimes against Him just like a felon is punished in a human judicial system. But God in His great love for His creation provided a wonderful way out. He punished His own Son, Jesus, in our place!
John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
We all need to humbly recognize that we have sinned against God and cry out to Jesus to save us. We can say, "Lord, I know that I have gravely offended You by not worshipping you with my life and not loving You above everything. I have served myself rather than You. I am such a sinner, but I ask that you please rescue me from my sins. I believe that you died on the cross for my sins, so please save me!" This was the cry of my heart in 2001 when God humbled me and showed me my great sinfulness after years of living a selfish life of drugs, pleasure, and self accomplishment. God is faithful to answer those cries.
In addition to recognition of our deep sinfulness and asking Jesus for forgiveness of sins, Jesus also tells us to count the cost of following Him with our life. In Luke 14:27-28 Jesus says that we must consider whether or not we are willing to follow Him unto death, "Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?"
Jesus says to His followers that they will experience tribulation in John 16:33 says,"In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
Jesus promises that if we give up everything to follow Him on earth, we will gain life everlasting in the new heaven and the new earth. God's plan for my life might result in me losing my life at a younger age, but I can look forward to my reward in the new heaven and new earth where God Himself will wipe away every tear and there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain.
Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat upon it, from whose presence earth and heaven fled away, and no place was found for them. And I saw the dead, the great and the small, standing before the throne, and books were opened; and another book was opened, which is the book of life; and the dead were judged from the things which were written in the books, according to their deeds...This is the second death, the lake of fire. And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new " And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." Then He said to me, "It is done I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. "He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son.
But for the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.
- Revelation 20:11-21:8
Here is an old video from March 2008. These were my final words before the last surgery that crippled my speech and swallowing. That cold, wintry, Minnesota night we had no idea what the next 7 months would entail. One thing we knew back then and we still know now is that this trial that we face is a part of a much bigger plan that God has for the world. My prayer is that the world is watching and listening to what God is saying.
***********************
2) Please pray that the peace of God will rule in our hearts and that God will protect our minds from wandering into useless thoughts.
3) Pray that in 3 months my next scan would reveal nothing in my spine or neck.
This cancer is mad, and it just won't go away. I had an MRI yesterday and the doctors are pretty certain that there is cancer in my spine on the back of my neck, and there might be cancer in the base of my neck in the front. The MRI wasn't clear enough to make that determination, but I'm pretty sure there is cancer there as well because I can feel it. Not only is there a sore lump on my neck near my thyroid, my blood tests showed that my thyroid function is pooping out faster than expected. So, it is likely that I have cancer in my neck that is invading the thyroid.
Since the spine cannot be operated on, the doctors say that there really isn't anything I can do at this point but wait and see if it grows in 3 months. I could do a biopsy to confirm it but it is not guaranteed to be conclusive because needle biopsies into the spine are not extremely accurate. Removing a tumor from the front of my neck would require me to lose my voice box and have to breath out of a hole in my neck. Given that there is tumor in my spine, that would be pointless. I might as well keep my voice as long as I can.
So, the reality is that unless God intervenes, I'll probably be leaving this world sooner than later. That doesn't mean that we've given up on fighting cancer, it just means that we're going to think realistically about my situation. Only God knows how long I have left and He might just heal me, or even provide some new alternative therapy that cures me. We've been trying different alternative therepies over the past year, from diet, to aggressive juicing, to supplements, but in the end it is all in God's hands. I'm praying that if God takes me home soon I'll be mentally alert and able to talk until the bitter end.
We talked with Bob, our pastor and brother-in-law, and he helped us think about our priorities better. I think this whole time we've been making survival our top priority and everything else in life secondary. After exhausting all conventional cancer therapies and many natural therapies, I think its time to rethink the game plan. We're still praying about this, but I think quality of life is going to now be top priority, and any treatments will have to fit into that. Therefore, I won't be doing any more major surgeries or chemo treatments unless it will increase my quality of life. I want to spend my last days with my family and prepare them for a life without me.
I feel like there are so many things I want to say but perhaps not enough time to say them. For one thing, I wish I could travel all over the country and see everybody one last time before I go. Maybe that will happen. Or perhaps people could visit.
Psalm 90:12, "Teach us to number our days that we may present to you a heart of wisdom."
As I meditate on that passage and look back on my life I see so many wrong decisions. I wish I could go back in time and change them. Instead of making a list that could go on and on I need to recognize firstly that God is sovereign over those mistakes, and secondly that each of those mistakes should serve to make me more and more humble, and more and more dependent on forgiveness through Jesus. I take great comfort in the fact that Jesus died for my sins and and forgives me. As far as the east is from the west so far has He removed my transgressions from me (Psalm 103:12).
Looking back, one thing I'll never regret is following Jesus Christ even if it meant hardship. When I was 21 years old God placed in my heart an inescapable desire to follow Him. When I first became a Christian I spent a lot of time reading Paul's letters in the bible and came to believe that the Christian life was often described as a very difficult one. My old small group leader from UCLA emailed me the other day and reminded me about something I had shared in small group as a new Christian. I said something along the lines that suffering was good because God clearly uses it to grow His children, so we ought to ask God to grow us even if it meant we were inviting suffering.
Phil 1:29 says, "For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, "
Phil 3:9-11 says, "and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Rom 8:17 says, "and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. .
I deep down had a feeling that God was preparing me for hardship. The other guys in the room thought I was a lunatic because it seemed as if I was asking for suffering. I never asked for suffering, but just desired that God would grow and stretch me and that He would put His name on display in my life. I never would have imagined that this could happen to me, but I think that was the Holy Spirit working in my heart to prepare me for this trial later in life. We all suffer to varying degrees and in varying ways, but God has chosen this particular path for my life that He might conform us all into His image.
In Matthew 16:26 Jesus says, "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" It is foolish to waste our lives chasing success and pleasure when we have not dealt with the most important matter at hand - the well being of your soul. Am I prepared to die? What will happen after I die?
Tonight God is impressing upon my heart to warn of the coming judgement. Whether or not you consider yourself a Christian, I ask that you read on. We all need a daily dose of the truth.
The book of Genesis says that God created the entire world including humans and set a standard of morality for His creation to adhere to. All people, even ones who seem really nice on the outside, sin in some way and offend God. We are greedy, we cheat, we exaggerate the truth, a.k.a lie. If you still don't think you've offended a holy God, have you "loved the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and strength" as He commands in Deuteronomy 6:5? Jesus says that is the greatest commandment. Romans 3:23 says, "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." God, being a just God, must punish our crimes against Him just like a felon is punished in a human judicial system. But God in His great love for His creation provided a wonderful way out. He punished His own Son, Jesus, in our place!
John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
We all need to humbly recognize that we have sinned against God and cry out to Jesus to save us. We can say, "Lord, I know that I have gravely offended You by not worshipping you with my life and not loving You above everything. I have served myself rather than You. I am such a sinner, but I ask that you please rescue me from my sins. I believe that you died on the cross for my sins, so please save me!" This was the cry of my heart in 2001 when God humbled me and showed me my great sinfulness after years of living a selfish life of drugs, pleasure, and self accomplishment. God is faithful to answer those cries.
In addition to recognition of our deep sinfulness and asking Jesus for forgiveness of sins, Jesus also tells us to count the cost of following Him with our life. In Luke 14:27-28 Jesus says that we must consider whether or not we are willing to follow Him unto death, "Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?"
Jesus says to His followers that they will experience tribulation in John 16:33 says,"In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
Jesus promises that if we give up everything to follow Him on earth, we will gain life everlasting in the new heaven and the new earth. God's plan for my life might result in me losing my life at a younger age, but I can look forward to my reward in the new heaven and new earth where God Himself will wipe away every tear and there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain.
Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat upon it, from whose presence earth and heaven fled away, and no place was found for them. And I saw the dead, the great and the small, standing before the throne, and books were opened; and another book was opened, which is the book of life; and the dead were judged from the things which were written in the books, according to their deeds...This is the second death, the lake of fire. And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new " And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." Then He said to me, "It is done I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. "He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son.
But for the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.
- Revelation 20:11-21:8
Here is an old video from March 2008. These were my final words before the last surgery that crippled my speech and swallowing. That cold, wintry, Minnesota night we had no idea what the next 7 months would entail. One thing we knew back then and we still know now is that this trial that we face is a part of a much bigger plan that God has for the world. My prayer is that the world is watching and listening to what God is saying.
***********************
Prayer Requests
1) Praise God that we made it through today even though I'm sick again. Grace had supernatural strength to take care of me today.
1) Praise God that we made it through today even though I'm sick again. Grace had supernatural strength to take care of me today.
2) Please pray that the peace of God will rule in our hearts and that God will protect our minds from wandering into useless thoughts.
3) Pray that in 3 months my next scan would reveal nothing in my spine or neck.
4) Pray for my precarious health. I feel terrible as I have a very high fever again, 3rd time in a month. The doctors think that my pneumonia stuck around somehow so I'm on antibiotics again.
5) Pray for wisdom about what to do next. We might try an alternative therapy soon which would take about 3 weeks. Pray that God would make it undeniably clear whether or not we should do it.
5) Pray for wisdom about what to do next. We might try an alternative therapy soon which would take about 3 weeks. Pray that God would make it undeniably clear whether or not we should do it.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
PET to MRI
ANDREW WRITES:
Everybody is wondering whether or not I have cancer. Well, I'm still wondering the same thing too.
The PET scan lit up in 4 areas of my body. That means that there was suspicious activity in 4 places. The doctors all got together and with a high level of confidence dismissed two of them as physiological changes due to surgery and radiation. Those two were in the tongue and the back of the voice box. So we'll watch those areas and see if it gets worse in the next scan in 3 months.
The bad news is that the other two areas are highly suspicious for cancer because they lit up a lot. Those areas are my left spine at the back of my neck, and the right thyroid cartilage (basically the right base of neck). These two areas did not receive much radiation and were not surgically operated on. I was expecting for them to give me some weird news like that anyways like they always do, so it didn't surprise me. But I was glad that there isn't a large tumor in my voice box and tongue, which are the areas that are giving me pain. For now, it's probably just still sore from radiation. I was also glad that I don't have tumors in my brain, lungs or liver. So praise God for that!
I guess Grace and I weren't too worried today. God gave us grace to just take the news in stride. We decided to do something fun after our appointments so we went to lunch at our favorite Chinese restaurant in Dinkytown called Pagoda. I'm not able t
o eat via mouth, but I was able to order some clear soup which was satisfying to my few taste buds. I really haven't been able to enjoy much of anything through my mouth since before my surgery 6 months ago, so that was a real blessing! After that it was nice to just take a walk with the kids on a nice sunny day and enjoy them. I even bought them a nice egg custard treat which they LOVED. Praise God for my family, they're so fun.
Before we do any biopsies they want to do an MRI to get a better picture. I went in at 6PM this evening to have that done but I couldn't complete it because I kept gagging on my own saliva and coughing. Any slight amount of movement like that forces them to start over. I hope they don't charge me for the wasted MRI. The last time I did an MRI I was able to swallow just fine, so this wasn't a problem. I'm going to try again sometime in the next few days or try to find a place that will do an MRI sitting up if my insurance will allow it.
So its back to the waiting game. In the meantime pray that I'll enjoy the process, and enjoy each day that I have more and more. After being sick for 3 weeks, I'm pretty excited to be able to do some normal things like exercise and stuff.
Bob, my brother-in-law and pastor, said two things that were helpful to me today. He reminded me that its ok to have anxieties or cares, but we need to continually cast them on Jesus. Trying not to have anxiety or not caring isn't godly. Having those anxieties and then casting them upon Jesus is godly. Thats what the bible calls me to do.
The other thing Bob said was that Jesus is the Chief Shepherd. If I disappear from this earth, my family will be okay because Jesus will still be their Chief Shepherd and will lead them to green pastures.
Everybody is wondering whether or not I have cancer. Well, I'm still wondering the same thing too.
The PET scan lit up in 4 areas of my body. That means that there was suspicious activity in 4 places. The doctors all got together and with a high level of confidence dismissed two of them as physiological changes due to surgery and radiation. Those two were in the tongue and the back of the voice box. So we'll watch those areas and see if it gets worse in the next scan in 3 months.
The bad news is that the other two areas are highly suspicious for cancer because they lit up a lot. Those areas are my left spine at the back of my neck, and the right thyroid cartilage (basically the right base of neck). These two areas did not receive much radiation and were not surgically operated on. I was expecting for them to give me some weird news like that anyways like they always do, so it didn't surprise me. But I was glad that there isn't a large tumor in my voice box and tongue, which are the areas that are giving me pain. For now, it's probably just still sore from radiation. I was also glad that I don't have tumors in my brain, lungs or liver. So praise God for that!
I guess Grace and I weren't too worried today. God gave us grace to just take the news in stride. We decided to do something fun after our appointments so we went to lunch at our favorite Chinese restaurant in Dinkytown called Pagoda. I'm not able t
o eat via mouth, but I was able to order some clear soup which was satisfying to my few taste buds. I really haven't been able to enjoy much of anything through my mouth since before my surgery 6 months ago, so that was a real blessing! After that it was nice to just take a walk with the kids on a nice sunny day and enjoy them. I even bought them a nice egg custard treat which they LOVED. Praise God for my family, they're so fun.Before we do any biopsies they want to do an MRI to get a better picture. I went in at 6PM this evening to have that done but I couldn't complete it because I kept gagging on my own saliva and coughing. Any slight amount of movement like that forces them to start over. I hope they don't charge me for the wasted MRI. The last time I did an MRI I was able to swallow just fine, so this wasn't a problem. I'm going to try again sometime in the next few days or try to find a place that will do an MRI sitting up if my insurance will allow it.
So its back to the waiting game. In the meantime pray that I'll enjoy the process, and enjoy each day that I have more and more. After being sick for 3 weeks, I'm pretty excited to be able to do some normal things like exercise and stuff.
Bob, my brother-in-law and pastor, said two things that were helpful to me today. He reminded me that its ok to have anxieties or cares, but we need to continually cast them on Jesus. Trying not to have anxiety or not caring isn't godly. Having those anxieties and then casting them upon Jesus is godly. Thats what the bible calls me to do.
The other thing Bob said was that Jesus is the Chief Shepherd. If I disappear from this earth, my family will be okay because Jesus will still be their Chief Shepherd and will lead them to green pastures.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
ETP
I get the PET scan results tomorrow morning. I was definately more anxious the past few weeks than I am right now. Now I kind of want to get tomorrow over with. Even if the doctor says I'm cancer free, it really just means for the time being. Thats what they said last year at my first scan after radiation and chemo. We got a negative scan in August, moved to Minnesota, and got a questionable scan in January followed by a positive in March. We'll always be on our toes, but if the Lord wills we will soon be able to make bigger steps towards a more settled lifestyle.
Tonight our family prayed together in our living room about tomorrow's results. At first I wasn't in a super spiritual praying mood but as I started to pray the Holy Spirit starting convicting me that I feel aggrevated that things aren't in order in my life. Like I wanted tomorrow's results to be negative so that I can finally get my ducks in a row and be able to sit back and relax. I quickly realized that even if the scan is negative, things aren't ever going to be easy. I have major disabilities particularly with speech and swallowing that will make life uncomfortable for the rest of my life. But God wants me to be content in difficulty. Sean Higgins, the student ministries pastor at our old church, used to always say that you need to "ETP" or enjoy the process. That is the key to godliness. I need to be content AND happy to suffer with cancer, or suffer without it. Otherwise I'm going to be one hard-to-get-along-with husband and father for the rest of my life.
I'll keep you posted tomorrow afternoon (Oct 8) on the results of my scan. Good night.
P.S. Phil Johnson added our blog to his list of things to read while the Pyromaniacs take October off of blogging (Thanks Phil!). I've noticed that this has significantly increased traffic to our site. If you are new to our blog I want to welcome you to experience this trial with us and grow as we grow (first cancer blog is 1/15/07). I know everybody feels the pains of trials in their own unique way, so let's persevere together. I invite those who don't know us to join in and comment, or email me to introduce yourself. We'd love to hear from you and quite frankly could use the encouragement. Thanks for visiting!
Tonight our family prayed together in our living room about tomorrow's results. At first I wasn't in a super spiritual praying mood but as I started to pray the Holy Spirit starting convicting me that I feel aggrevated that things aren't in order in my life. Like I wanted tomorrow's results to be negative so that I can finally get my ducks in a row and be able to sit back and relax. I quickly realized that even if the scan is negative, things aren't ever going to be easy. I have major disabilities particularly with speech and swallowing that will make life uncomfortable for the rest of my life. But God wants me to be content in difficulty. Sean Higgins, the student ministries pastor at our old church, used to always say that you need to "ETP" or enjoy the process. That is the key to godliness. I need to be content AND happy to suffer with cancer, or suffer without it. Otherwise I'm going to be one hard-to-get-along-with husband and father for the rest of my life.
I'll keep you posted tomorrow afternoon (Oct 8) on the results of my scan. Good night.
P.S. Phil Johnson added our blog to his list of things to read while the Pyromaniacs take October off of blogging (Thanks Phil!). I've noticed that this has significantly increased traffic to our site. If you are new to our blog I want to welcome you to experience this trial with us and grow as we grow (first cancer blog is 1/15/07). I know everybody feels the pains of trials in their own unique way, so let's persevere together. I invite those who don't know us to join in and comment, or email me to introduce yourself. We'd love to hear from you and quite frankly could use the encouragement. Thanks for visiting!
Saturday, October 04, 2008
To Die Living
ANDREW WRITES:
I know you all have been praying for me fervently, and I thank you. Praise God for all the ways He is answering. Today I physically feel so much better than I have for a long time. Three weeks ago I was at the peak of the pain in my mouth and throat, then I got sick, then got pneumonia which postponed my PET scan from Sept 18th to Oct 1, which on top of everything made me wait anxiously for 2 additional weeks to know if this swelling and pain is due to tumors in my neck and throat! Then, to top it all off, after I got past pneumonia and was starting to recover I caught a cold again.
God really brought me to some low and dark times these past few weeks. To be honest, I didn't take it like a champ. I complained a lot and wanted to just escape my weak body. Though I hate being so sick, when God brings me low like that it always reminds me of what is really in my heart. The reason I feel so frustrated with everything when I'm weak is not because I can't give myself to my wife, children and friends, it is because my idols are not being satisfied. My idols of comfort and pride are just two obvious examples that were at the forefront of my mind this week. And they are the same idols that always distracted me from giving myself to my family and others when I was healthy.
Please pray that I would continually be repenting of these sins and make progress in dying to myself, and giving myself to my family. Pray that I would be like Christ who gave Himself as a ransom for all (1 Tim 2:6) or like Paul who said "But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all" (Phil 2:17). In addition to praying for healing please pray specifically that I would use 100% of my 50% energy level to give myself to serve the Lord especially in leading my family, even if receive news that there are still tumors in my body next week. My family needs leadership and an example of Christ more than ever, and with so many things changing all the time I need supernatural wisdom to know how to do that.
Even if the doctors tell me again next week that I'm going to die of this disease, my priorities to serve God should remain the same. The truth is that I've been dying since I was born. So now, as always, I must die living to make God famous. That's what Jesus did.
My wife wrote a blog last night about my trouble breathing. Today I woke up feeling like I'm over my sicknesses. My lungs and throat are clearer of mucus. Praise God! I know that God has answered your prayers for me and refreshed me both physically and spiritually after bringing me through some dark times. And I know that He will continue to answer your prayers for me.
This morning, I went to the gym and exercised and shot a basketball for the first time since before surgery in March! The surgeries and massive amounts of radiation have permanently damaged my neck, shoulder and right arm. I don't have strength in my wrist and shoulder to propel the ball very far yet. Yet I was able to take shots at 3 feet, then eventually made it to about 10 feet from the basket. I'll keep you posted on my progress in the coming weeks if I stay healthy.
Today was a breath of fresh air. After all that has been happening to me, it was nice to get out and play. Thank you, Lord!
I know you all have been praying for me fervently, and I thank you. Praise God for all the ways He is answering. Today I physically feel so much better than I have for a long time. Three weeks ago I was at the peak of the pain in my mouth and throat, then I got sick, then got pneumonia which postponed my PET scan from Sept 18th to Oct 1, which on top of everything made me wait anxiously for 2 additional weeks to know if this swelling and pain is due to tumors in my neck and throat! Then, to top it all off, after I got past pneumonia and was starting to recover I caught a cold again.
God really brought me to some low and dark times these past few weeks. To be honest, I didn't take it like a champ. I complained a lot and wanted to just escape my weak body. Though I hate being so sick, when God brings me low like that it always reminds me of what is really in my heart. The reason I feel so frustrated with everything when I'm weak is not because I can't give myself to my wife, children and friends, it is because my idols are not being satisfied. My idols of comfort and pride are just two obvious examples that were at the forefront of my mind this week. And they are the same idols that always distracted me from giving myself to my family and others when I was healthy.
Please pray that I would continually be repenting of these sins and make progress in dying to myself, and giving myself to my family. Pray that I would be like Christ who gave Himself as a ransom for all (1 Tim 2:6) or like Paul who said "But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all" (Phil 2:17). In addition to praying for healing please pray specifically that I would use 100% of my 50% energy level to give myself to serve the Lord especially in leading my family, even if receive news that there are still tumors in my body next week. My family needs leadership and an example of Christ more than ever, and with so many things changing all the time I need supernatural wisdom to know how to do that.
Even if the doctors tell me again next week that I'm going to die of this disease, my priorities to serve God should remain the same. The truth is that I've been dying since I was born. So now, as always, I must die living to make God famous. That's what Jesus did.
My wife wrote a blog last night about my trouble breathing. Today I woke up feeling like I'm over my sicknesses. My lungs and throat are clearer of mucus. Praise God! I know that God has answered your prayers for me and refreshed me both physically and spiritually after bringing me through some dark times. And I know that He will continue to answer your prayers for me.
This morning, I went to the gym and exercised and shot a basketball for the first time since before surgery in March! The surgeries and massive amounts of radiation have permanently damaged my neck, shoulder and right arm. I don't have strength in my wrist and shoulder to propel the ball very far yet. Yet I was able to take shots at 3 feet, then eventually made it to about 10 feet from the basket. I'll keep you posted on my progress in the coming weeks if I stay healthy.
Today was a breath of fresh air. After all that has been happening to me, it was nice to get out and play. Thank you, Lord!
Breathing
GRACE WRITES:
Andrew made it through his PET scan on Wednesday. We should be finding out results next Wednesday.
In the meantime, please pray that Andrew's breathing would be easier, it seems to get harder and harder for him to find comfortable positions to breathe from which really effects his sleep. As he cannot swallow, his saliva is constantly blocking his airway which causes him to cough and choke a lot. Lord, please make Andrew's breathing easy from this moment on.
Praise the Lord that Andrew is now on 1/2 the pain meds he used to be on, his pain has reduced so much ever since pneumonia gave him a break from physical therapy. The withdrawal symptoms are still difficult and taking longer than expected. Please pray that the withdrawal symptoms would relent and that he would be able to get off his pain meds soon.
Please also pray that we would not be faint-hearted but that the Lord would give us the strength to persevere and endure, that Andrew would feel motivated to keep up with all the different things he has to do each day from physical therapy to consuming all his meals and that I would be able to stay on top of helping him with it. Please pray the Lord would greatly encourage and saturate Andrew's (and my) heart with the gospel each day.
To sum up:
1. Breathing
2. Get off pain meds
3. Strength and motivation to keep up with daily demands/Saturated with the gospel
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
Psalm 46:1-3
Andrew made it through his PET scan on Wednesday. We should be finding out results next Wednesday.
In the meantime, please pray that Andrew's breathing would be easier, it seems to get harder and harder for him to find comfortable positions to breathe from which really effects his sleep. As he cannot swallow, his saliva is constantly blocking his airway which causes him to cough and choke a lot. Lord, please make Andrew's breathing easy from this moment on.
Praise the Lord that Andrew is now on 1/2 the pain meds he used to be on, his pain has reduced so much ever since pneumonia gave him a break from physical therapy. The withdrawal symptoms are still difficult and taking longer than expected. Please pray that the withdrawal symptoms would relent and that he would be able to get off his pain meds soon.
Please also pray that we would not be faint-hearted but that the Lord would give us the strength to persevere and endure, that Andrew would feel motivated to keep up with all the different things he has to do each day from physical therapy to consuming all his meals and that I would be able to stay on top of helping him with it. Please pray the Lord would greatly encourage and saturate Andrew's (and my) heart with the gospel each day.
To sum up:
1. Breathing
2. Get off pain meds
3. Strength and motivation to keep up with daily demands/Saturated with the gospel
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
Psalm 46:1-3
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Scanning
I'm now in an isolation room awaiting my scan. They just injected me with radioactive glucose using a 2 inch lead syringe. Now I'm supposed to sit for about an hour so that the glucose can absorb into my cells, and then lie in the "tube" for about 45 minutes while they take various pictures.
I've been begging the Lord all day that the scan would be accurate and that there would be no more cancer. I'm so frustrated with my body. I was once so youthful, and free, and now just about everything is painful and difficult. I even choke on my own saliva so I constantly have to spit in a cup.
Lord, please rescue me from my anxieties and complaining. You have been so faithful to me. You spared me from self destruction during my adolecent years. You were faithful to answer my cries to rescue me from my lonely, miserable life, and brought me into a life as your child. You answered my prayers for a wife and gave me more than I could have imagined. When Gracie was born on our bathroom floor you answered our cries for Grace and Gracie's lives, and Gracie was healthier than we could have imagined. You answered the first time I had surgery, radiation and chemo to restore me and make me as good as new. You answered when we begged to move to Minnesota. You provided a house for us. You've taken care all our needs these past 6 months, and you even answered our prayers to lessen the pain.
When we prayed a few years back that we would not waste our lives and that we would have an impact on this world, and that you would rescue us from our desire to live for the typical American dream of a 3 car garage, comfort, ease and a retirement package, you answered with cancer. It is your hand that has afflicted us for your glory. To teach us and those around us that you are God, and worthy of worship and praise. Don't let us waste this cancer.
Help me to have the mind of Christ. Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross . Help me to have joy in my suffering, joy in my humiliation. Please give me joy in weakness and in shame.
Time to scan.
I've been begging the Lord all day that the scan would be accurate and that there would be no more cancer. I'm so frustrated with my body. I was once so youthful, and free, and now just about everything is painful and difficult. I even choke on my own saliva so I constantly have to spit in a cup.
Lord, please rescue me from my anxieties and complaining. You have been so faithful to me. You spared me from self destruction during my adolecent years. You were faithful to answer my cries to rescue me from my lonely, miserable life, and brought me into a life as your child. You answered my prayers for a wife and gave me more than I could have imagined. When Gracie was born on our bathroom floor you answered our cries for Grace and Gracie's lives, and Gracie was healthier than we could have imagined. You answered the first time I had surgery, radiation and chemo to restore me and make me as good as new. You answered when we begged to move to Minnesota. You provided a house for us. You've taken care all our needs these past 6 months, and you even answered our prayers to lessen the pain.
When we prayed a few years back that we would not waste our lives and that we would have an impact on this world, and that you would rescue us from our desire to live for the typical American dream of a 3 car garage, comfort, ease and a retirement package, you answered with cancer. It is your hand that has afflicted us for your glory. To teach us and those around us that you are God, and worthy of worship and praise. Don't let us waste this cancer.
Help me to have the mind of Christ. Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross . Help me to have joy in my suffering, joy in my humiliation. Please give me joy in weakness and in shame.
Time to scan.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
PET Scan Blues
With antibiotics I was able to recover from pneumonia and got back into speech and physical therapy this past week. The awesome answer to prayer is that because I was knocked out by pneumonia I didn't do any exercises in my mouth or neck which helped some of the painful sores in my mouth and throat heal. This allowed me to back off of some of my narcotics. So far I'm at half the dosage I was at before. If it weren't for the terrible withdrawl symptoms I would get off the narcotics faster. The withdrawl makes me extremely irritated and jittery so I have to try really hard to be patient with people.
The hardest thing about waiting for my PET scan on October 1 is just not knowing what to do next with my life. I want to know if I'm going to have a few more months cancer free, or if I'm going to have to gear up for more treatments. I want answers to all the weird things I'm feeling like pain, shortness of breath, and swelling in my neck. In a lot of ways I feel unmotivated because I don't know if my efforts are going to matter. Am I going to live or die? I know its crazy to think that way, but those thoughts bombard my mind all day long and I have to fight to push them out. Please pray that the unknowns would not paralyze me and cause me to be fruitless in my duties as a husband, father and leader of my home. My family needs me more than ever, and I feel weaker and more distracted than ever.
The hardest thing about waiting for my PET scan on October 1 is just not knowing what to do next with my life. I want to know if I'm going to have a few more months cancer free, or if I'm going to have to gear up for more treatments. I want answers to all the weird things I'm feeling like pain, shortness of breath, and swelling in my neck. In a lot of ways I feel unmotivated because I don't know if my efforts are going to matter. Am I going to live or die? I know its crazy to think that way, but those thoughts bombard my mind all day long and I have to fight to push them out. Please pray that the unknowns would not paralyze me and cause me to be fruitless in my duties as a husband, father and leader of my home. My family needs me more than ever, and I feel weaker and more distracted than ever.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
We're covered, right?
ANDREW WRITES:
I woke up this morning and felt really anxious about all the different pressures and pains I feel around my head and neck. I sat up in bed to make it a little easier to breathe as Grace lay beside me still sleeping. I thought, "if cancer did return and took my life, what would I want it to be like at that very last moment when I breathe my last?"
When Grace woke up I told her that I was really struggling. She rolled over onto my chest and looked straight into my eyes. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and I said, "If I die. I want you to smile and not cry. I want you to be happy and excited for me. Then I'll be the happiest I've ever been, for that last moment."
What bothers me so much about the thought of death, other than extreme pain, is the thought of leaving my wife to be so sad without me to comfort her.
She asked, "Are you afraid to die?"
"No. I'm more afraid of what is going to happen to you guys."
Grace responded, "I struggle more with being afraid to die, but God has given me the faith to believe that He's just going to take care of us if you die. He's always been faithful. Then we're covered, right? God has provided special faith for you to not be afraid to die, and He has provided me with special faith to trust that everything will be alright without you."
I wish people could see just how wonderful my wife is. Her smile is like the bright morning sun that wakes you up assured that it is going to be a good happy day. And her kind words melt away the fear and loneliness that are an impenetrable block of ice around my heart.
It almost makes me angry that people don't always see the multifaceted beauty that I see in her every day. Its like you take the 7:14 AM commuter bus into the city and you sit next to the same group of strangers in suits every day not knowing that one of them is an angel. That's Grace.
I woke up this morning and felt really anxious about all the different pressures and pains I feel around my head and neck. I sat up in bed to make it a little easier to breathe as Grace lay beside me still sleeping. I thought, "if cancer did return and took my life, what would I want it to be like at that very last moment when I breathe my last?"
When Grace woke up I told her that I was really struggling. She rolled over onto my chest and looked straight into my eyes. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and I said, "If I die. I want you to smile and not cry. I want you to be happy and excited for me. Then I'll be the happiest I've ever been, for that last moment."
What bothers me so much about the thought of death, other than extreme pain, is the thought of leaving my wife to be so sad without me to comfort her.
She asked, "Are you afraid to die?"
"No. I'm more afraid of what is going to happen to you guys."
Grace responded, "I struggle more with being afraid to die, but God has given me the faith to believe that He's just going to take care of us if you die. He's always been faithful. Then we're covered, right? God has provided special faith for you to not be afraid to die, and He has provided me with special faith to trust that everything will be alright without you."
I wish people could see just how wonderful my wife is. Her smile is like the bright morning sun that wakes you up assured that it is going to be a good happy day. And her kind words melt away the fear and loneliness that are an impenetrable block of ice around my heart.
It almost makes me angry that people don't always see the multifaceted beauty that I see in her every day. Its like you take the 7:14 AM commuter bus into the city and you sit next to the same group of strangers in suits every day not knowing that one of them is an angel. That's Grace.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Pneumonia
The kids have had a cough this week and passed it onto Andrew. Due to the damage chemotherapy did to Andrew's immune system, that cold progressed into pneumonia for him.
Thankfully, his vital signs and oxygen levels are good, so they do not have to admit him into the hospital. They prescribed antibiotics, which should hopefully make him feel better within 2-3 days. If not, then they will have to check if he has an additional infection that he would need to be treated for.
Please pray:
1 - for quick healing for Andrew and that the antibiotics he is now on would be effective and sufficient.
2 - that I would not get sick, as I have felt like I have been fighting off a cold since last week. Pray for all of us, as Andrew's pneumonia is contagious.
3 - for wisdom and effectiveness to take good care of Andrew
Things we can be grateful for:
- that the Lord gave Andrew the wisdom to insist to talk to a doctor before his PET scan yesterday. The doctor then recommended postponing the scan for two weeks, despite that all the PET scan technicians had said it would be okay to do the scan. Perhaps this is in answer to our prayer that his PET scan would be accurate, as the PET would have registered the fever and swelling in the head and neck region as well as the infection in the lung as a false positive.
- that this is the first time Andrew has gotten sick since last January. Praise the Lord he never got sick during radiation and chemotherapy in May and June, despite how he was even more vulnerable than he is now.
Thank you again, everyone, for all your prayers and concern.
Love,
The Mark Family
Thankfully, his vital signs and oxygen levels are good, so they do not have to admit him into the hospital. They prescribed antibiotics, which should hopefully make him feel better within 2-3 days. If not, then they will have to check if he has an additional infection that he would need to be treated for.
Please pray:
1 - for quick healing for Andrew and that the antibiotics he is now on would be effective and sufficient.
2 - that I would not get sick, as I have felt like I have been fighting off a cold since last week. Pray for all of us, as Andrew's pneumonia is contagious.
3 - for wisdom and effectiveness to take good care of Andrew
Things we can be grateful for:
- that the Lord gave Andrew the wisdom to insist to talk to a doctor before his PET scan yesterday. The doctor then recommended postponing the scan for two weeks, despite that all the PET scan technicians had said it would be okay to do the scan. Perhaps this is in answer to our prayer that his PET scan would be accurate, as the PET would have registered the fever and swelling in the head and neck region as well as the infection in the lung as a false positive.
- that this is the first time Andrew has gotten sick since last January. Praise the Lord he never got sick during radiation and chemotherapy in May and June, despite how he was even more vulnerable than he is now.
Thank you again, everyone, for all your prayers and concern.
Love,
The Mark Family
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Rain from Heaven
GRACE WRITES:
The Wednesday before last, Audrey Frost came to my house. She smiled at me as she walked in, put her hands firmly on my shoulder and looked at me with her blue eyes through her silver-rimmed glassed. Her chin-length hair was grey. She was one of the ones who had been around the church since the beginning 40 years ago.
"Grace," she said, "I'm so concerned for you."
I don't know Audrey very well, we sit in the same row at church on Sunday mornings, and have only exchanged a few conversations here and there. She explained that she doesn't get internet very well in her house, but she had read my last blog. "You sound so discouraged, Grace," she said. "And I believe one of the gifts God has given me is to have such a strong sense when someone needs me. Now, I know you have other people, but I don't know, I just feel so strongly that the Lord wants me to come alongside you and be a mother to you and encourage you."
I began to cry. Somehow when she said that, it just seemed so perfect, though I had never thought of that. "Yes, yes! That's exactly what I need," I cried. I may not know my needs, but the Lord always does. And He meets all our true needs, so kindly, even when we aren't aware of our needs ourselves. Having a true "older woman" by definition, who looked and talked like she had fallen off of the pages of Titus 2 was like a dream come true.
"Grace, I feel so concerned for you, because you sounded so discouraged in your blog. Now, you said that you feel guilty about so many things. Why do you feel so guilty?" She was holding my hand as we walked into the living room.
I went on to say how sad I was that I couldn't be a full-time mom to my children and a full-time nurse to my husband and that I would just do absolutely anything to keep my husband from dying...not that it's really up to me.
She sat me down on the couch and sat directly in front of me on the ottoman, her hands firmly holding my shoulders, looking into my eyes, smiling. "Well that's not sin," she said. "That's weakness. And you don't need to feel guilty for that. And the Lord can give you strength to do all those things, and if you can't do it on your own, then the Lord will send someone to help you."
I certainly knew that to be true.
"And if you have sinned, what does 1John 1:9 say you have to do?" she said.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness," I answered.
"That's right!" she said. "So if you've done that then you don't have to feel guilty. Because what is it saying, if we still feel guilty even after we've repented of our sins?"
"That Christ's blood is not enough."
"That's right," she said.
"But I feel guilty all the time anyway," I said. "I always feel guilty because I know there must be sins that I haven't confessed either because I'm unaware or because I've just blown it off and haven't thought deeply enough about it."
"Well then you can pray what David did in Psalm 139: 'Search me, oh God, and know me. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me...'"
I looked at her like, let me tell you, there have been times where I have sung that all day long.
As if in response she said, "And if you asked the Lord to reveal to you any sin and He doesn't, then you don't have to worry about it then. That's why He said in 1John 1:9 that He purifies you from all unrighteousness. He knows. He knows that we are weak and don't know all our sins. There's too many. That's why when we confess the sins that He does reveal to us, He purifies us from all unrighteousness."
I nodded, still crying.
She offered me a tissue. "The Lord loves you. And is for you and rejoices over you. He loves you so much."
I stared at her lips, mouthing her words, the tears pouring. Each day the gospel still continues to be a shock to me. How is it after my relentless sin, He continues to forgive me and is for me and is not only not reluctant in His favor, but rejoices over me? How could THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE adopt me as His precious child?
"There are only a few things that the Lord says we need to get done everyday," she said. "And what are those things?"
I was silent for a few seconds. Then laughed and cried at the same time: "I'm trying to think of all the 'right' answers, rather than say what I'm really thinking and struggling with."
She nodded, still smiling at me so warmly, still bracing my shoulders and looking into my eyes. "That's okay," she said.
"Feed my children and my husband. Make sure they don't die," I said.
She continued looking warmly at me.
"I don't know why I'm so obsessed with that, so fearful that they're not going to get fed. It just takes so much time to make all of Andrew's foods and juices. And yet by God's grace, He has always helped me to get those things done."
She nodded. "What else? What does the Bible say we need to get done everyday?"
"Worship Him?" I offered.
"That's right," she said. What else?"
"Well, I guess we are to love Him...Trust Him...Obey Him..."
"Right. And what does Philippians 4 say?"
"To be anxious for nothing, but to make all our requests known to God in thanksgiving and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and our mind," I said.
"So you see, He says not to be anxious, because He will take care of it. And it takes so much energy away from you to be worried. I'm concerned for you and your health. It's not good for you to be worrying all the time."
I nodded, sniffling with more tears. I had been feeling convicted of those very things that week.
"And what about 1 Thessalonians 5:16, what does that say?" she said.
"To rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks."
"That's right!" she said. "And why are we able to give thanks in everything?"
"Because He is good and does everything for our good and His glory.
She nodded.
We talked for a little while longer about various things, Audrey continuing to express love and concern to me. She hugged me.
"Thank you, Audrey," I said. "Thank you for ministering the gospel to me."
The next morning Audrey called me while I was parking the car at the doctor's office. "Grace, how are you?" she said.
"I'm good!" I replied.
When I hung up the phone, I turned to Andrew and said, "I think that's the first time I've said 'I'm good' in at least a month or two."
The rest of the day felt like a celebration. I was able to enjoy all of God's gifts - the sunshine, my children, and the sudden energy that made my husband awake enough to be able to chat - rather than be in a cloud, distracted from what was in front of me. I could celebrate and enjoy those things all because of the gospel: that I knew I was accepted in Christ and that His wrath, indeed, was not against me. No, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." And yes, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" And, "Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ."
Rather than feeling condemned and judged, which only made me want to cower in a corner and hide from God, Audrey's ministering the gospel to me made me want to depend more on the Lord, pray more, and read His Word more, bringing all my disappointments, hurts, and frustrations to Him, because He cares for me and is not against me.
I love the gospel of grace. To be rescued from His wrath by trusting in His Son Jesus to have taken the guilt of my sin on Himself on the cross. What incredible injustice for Him to repay my guilt with his favor rather than His wrath. The gospel, what rain from heaven.
Please pray for us:
1. - That we would believe the gospel, (that Christ's blood is enough and so He is for us and rejoices over us and His condemnation is not against us). That we would not believe Satan's lies of discouragement. It is a daily battle.
2. - that we would be anxious for nothing but that the peace of Christ would rule our hearts
3. - and that Andrew would be able to get off his pain narcotics ASAP. Right now that seems impossible, his pain is so great, and yet I think it's mostly his narcotics that make him so tired and feel so yucky so much of the time. But I know the Lord answers our prayers, so we can come boldly before His throne with our cries and ask God to heal Andrew of all his pain so that he won't need the pain killers.
4. - that Andrew's full body PET scan on Wednesday, Sept. 17th would show Andrew to be cancer-free. That it would be accurate and there would be no confusion about the results. It will take a week to get the results.
The Wednesday before last, Audrey Frost came to my house. She smiled at me as she walked in, put her hands firmly on my shoulder and looked at me with her blue eyes through her silver-rimmed glassed. Her chin-length hair was grey. She was one of the ones who had been around the church since the beginning 40 years ago.
"Grace," she said, "I'm so concerned for you."
I don't know Audrey very well, we sit in the same row at church on Sunday mornings, and have only exchanged a few conversations here and there. She explained that she doesn't get internet very well in her house, but she had read my last blog. "You sound so discouraged, Grace," she said. "And I believe one of the gifts God has given me is to have such a strong sense when someone needs me. Now, I know you have other people, but I don't know, I just feel so strongly that the Lord wants me to come alongside you and be a mother to you and encourage you."
I began to cry. Somehow when she said that, it just seemed so perfect, though I had never thought of that. "Yes, yes! That's exactly what I need," I cried. I may not know my needs, but the Lord always does. And He meets all our true needs, so kindly, even when we aren't aware of our needs ourselves. Having a true "older woman" by definition, who looked and talked like she had fallen off of the pages of Titus 2 was like a dream come true.
"Grace, I feel so concerned for you, because you sounded so discouraged in your blog. Now, you said that you feel guilty about so many things. Why do you feel so guilty?" She was holding my hand as we walked into the living room.
I went on to say how sad I was that I couldn't be a full-time mom to my children and a full-time nurse to my husband and that I would just do absolutely anything to keep my husband from dying...not that it's really up to me.
She sat me down on the couch and sat directly in front of me on the ottoman, her hands firmly holding my shoulders, looking into my eyes, smiling. "Well that's not sin," she said. "That's weakness. And you don't need to feel guilty for that. And the Lord can give you strength to do all those things, and if you can't do it on your own, then the Lord will send someone to help you."
I certainly knew that to be true.
"And if you have sinned, what does 1John 1:9 say you have to do?" she said.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness," I answered.
"That's right!" she said. "So if you've done that then you don't have to feel guilty. Because what is it saying, if we still feel guilty even after we've repented of our sins?"
"That Christ's blood is not enough."
"That's right," she said.
"But I feel guilty all the time anyway," I said. "I always feel guilty because I know there must be sins that I haven't confessed either because I'm unaware or because I've just blown it off and haven't thought deeply enough about it."
"Well then you can pray what David did in Psalm 139: 'Search me, oh God, and know me. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me...'"
I looked at her like, let me tell you, there have been times where I have sung that all day long.
As if in response she said, "And if you asked the Lord to reveal to you any sin and He doesn't, then you don't have to worry about it then. That's why He said in 1John 1:9 that He purifies you from all unrighteousness. He knows. He knows that we are weak and don't know all our sins. There's too many. That's why when we confess the sins that He does reveal to us, He purifies us from all unrighteousness."
I nodded, still crying.
She offered me a tissue. "The Lord loves you. And is for you and rejoices over you. He loves you so much."
I stared at her lips, mouthing her words, the tears pouring. Each day the gospel still continues to be a shock to me. How is it after my relentless sin, He continues to forgive me and is for me and is not only not reluctant in His favor, but rejoices over me? How could THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE adopt me as His precious child?
"There are only a few things that the Lord says we need to get done everyday," she said. "And what are those things?"
I was silent for a few seconds. Then laughed and cried at the same time: "I'm trying to think of all the 'right' answers, rather than say what I'm really thinking and struggling with."
She nodded, still smiling at me so warmly, still bracing my shoulders and looking into my eyes. "That's okay," she said.
"Feed my children and my husband. Make sure they don't die," I said.
She continued looking warmly at me.
"I don't know why I'm so obsessed with that, so fearful that they're not going to get fed. It just takes so much time to make all of Andrew's foods and juices. And yet by God's grace, He has always helped me to get those things done."
She nodded. "What else? What does the Bible say we need to get done everyday?"
"Worship Him?" I offered.
"That's right," she said. What else?"
"Well, I guess we are to love Him...Trust Him...Obey Him..."
"Right. And what does Philippians 4 say?"
"To be anxious for nothing, but to make all our requests known to God in thanksgiving and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and our mind," I said.
"So you see, He says not to be anxious, because He will take care of it. And it takes so much energy away from you to be worried. I'm concerned for you and your health. It's not good for you to be worrying all the time."
I nodded, sniffling with more tears. I had been feeling convicted of those very things that week.
"And what about 1 Thessalonians 5:16, what does that say?" she said.
"To rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks."
"That's right!" she said. "And why are we able to give thanks in everything?"
"Because He is good and does everything for our good and His glory.
She nodded.
We talked for a little while longer about various things, Audrey continuing to express love and concern to me. She hugged me.
"Thank you, Audrey," I said. "Thank you for ministering the gospel to me."
The next morning Audrey called me while I was parking the car at the doctor's office. "Grace, how are you?" she said.
"I'm good!" I replied.
When I hung up the phone, I turned to Andrew and said, "I think that's the first time I've said 'I'm good' in at least a month or two."
The rest of the day felt like a celebration. I was able to enjoy all of God's gifts - the sunshine, my children, and the sudden energy that made my husband awake enough to be able to chat - rather than be in a cloud, distracted from what was in front of me. I could celebrate and enjoy those things all because of the gospel: that I knew I was accepted in Christ and that His wrath, indeed, was not against me. No, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." And yes, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" And, "Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ."
Rather than feeling condemned and judged, which only made me want to cower in a corner and hide from God, Audrey's ministering the gospel to me made me want to depend more on the Lord, pray more, and read His Word more, bringing all my disappointments, hurts, and frustrations to Him, because He cares for me and is not against me.
I love the gospel of grace. To be rescued from His wrath by trusting in His Son Jesus to have taken the guilt of my sin on Himself on the cross. What incredible injustice for Him to repay my guilt with his favor rather than His wrath. The gospel, what rain from heaven.
Please pray for us:
1. - That we would believe the gospel, (that Christ's blood is enough and so He is for us and rejoices over us and His condemnation is not against us). That we would not believe Satan's lies of discouragement. It is a daily battle.
2. - that we would be anxious for nothing but that the peace of Christ would rule our hearts
3. - and that Andrew would be able to get off his pain narcotics ASAP. Right now that seems impossible, his pain is so great, and yet I think it's mostly his narcotics that make him so tired and feel so yucky so much of the time. But I know the Lord answers our prayers, so we can come boldly before His throne with our cries and ask God to heal Andrew of all his pain so that he won't need the pain killers.
4. - that Andrew's full body PET scan on Wednesday, Sept. 17th would show Andrew to be cancer-free. That it would be accurate and there would be no confusion about the results. It will take a week to get the results.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Please keep praying
As I've mentioned before the pain in my mouth and throat has continued to increase. One possibility is that radiation has really destroyed the tissues and they have continued to swell, bleed and not heal more than any of the doctors expected. At this point, the doctors don't really know what to say because many things could be happening in my body for many reasons and it is so hard to tell.
What I'm feeling:
1) My tongue and throat are still very painful and it is extremely painful to talk, swallow or do any rehab exercises.
2) The swelling in my thoat has increased slightly in the past month which makes it difficult to protect my airway from saliva, mucus and water that I drink. It also can be difficult to breath if I turn my head certain directions. This is worrisome because sometimes swelling is due to tumor growth.
3) I'm starting to get some ringing nerve pains every now and then. This is also worrisome because I got this very bad last year when I was first diagnosed with cancer, but it has not been bad this year. I am just starting to notice more nerve pains in my ears.
Please pray that my PET scan on September 17th would not show any activity. That would be great. If the scan shows activity it may or may not be cancer, so pray that the doctors would have wisdom in interpreting the scan. Each day I wonder if my conversations that day will be some of my last. I pray that cancer will not return and that I will continue to be able to speak.
We take heart that the Lord is my father, and He rejoices over me.
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
What I'm feeling:
1) My tongue and throat are still very painful and it is extremely painful to talk, swallow or do any rehab exercises.
2) The swelling in my thoat has increased slightly in the past month which makes it difficult to protect my airway from saliva, mucus and water that I drink. It also can be difficult to breath if I turn my head certain directions. This is worrisome because sometimes swelling is due to tumor growth.
3) I'm starting to get some ringing nerve pains every now and then. This is also worrisome because I got this very bad last year when I was first diagnosed with cancer, but it has not been bad this year. I am just starting to notice more nerve pains in my ears.
Please pray that my PET scan on September 17th would not show any activity. That would be great. If the scan shows activity it may or may not be cancer, so pray that the doctors would have wisdom in interpreting the scan. Each day I wonder if my conversations that day will be some of my last. I pray that cancer will not return and that I will continue to be able to speak.
We take heart that the Lord is my father, and He rejoices over me.
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Surprise!
Grace took me out to a movie on Saturday afternoon. Around lunch time she hinted that I should take a nap before we go because I usually need to take a nap in the afternoon in order to make it through the evening with my family. Not suspecting that anything was up her sleeve I figure that would be a good idea and went for a short nap. When I woke up we rushed out the door to the theater and bought tickets for Wall-E. Sometimes I wonder how kids understand those animated movies because it almost seems like they are geared towards adults. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and its commentary on modern society.
When we got back home at 4:45PM I was quite tired and told Grace that I need to run upstairs and take another nap until dinner. So I rushed in with nothing but my bed in mind - SURPRISE!
I was scared, shocked, and confused. At first I thought, did accomplish something recently? Did I just finish chemo or radiation and they're congratulating me? It took me a little while to realize that my birthday was coming up on 9/11 but I didn't expect a party this early.
I was so happy to see people from church, work and our neighborhood. After blowing out the candles on my birthday cake I chatted with friends for a while. Even though it hurts to talk I try really hard to talk as much as I can so that I can exercise my mouth muscles. I actually had to run upstairs to take a dose of pain meds to make it through a few hours of talking to people. Three hours later after everybody left I finally made it to my bed exhausted and passed out immediately. Thanks Mom and Dad for coming all the way out here to throw me a surprise party and thanks Grace and everybody else for helping to put it together! You really did surprise me.
When we got back home at 4:45PM I was quite tired and told Grace that I need to run upstairs and take another nap until dinner. So I rushed in with nothing but my bed in mind - SURPRISE!
I was scared, shocked, and confused. At first I thought, did accomplish something recently? Did I just finish chemo or radiation and they're congratulating me? It took me a little while to realize that my birthday was coming up on 9/11 but I didn't expect a party this early.
I was so happy to see people from church, work and our neighborhood. After blowing out the candles on my birthday cake I chatted with friends for a while. Even though it hurts to talk I try really hard to talk as much as I can so that I can exercise my mouth muscles. I actually had to run upstairs to take a dose of pain meds to make it through a few hours of talking to people. Three hours later after everybody left I finally made it to my bed exhausted and passed out immediately. Thanks Mom and Dad for coming all the way out here to throw me a surprise party and thanks Grace and everybody else for helping to put it together! You really did surprise me.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Stranger Hospitality
ANDREW WRITES:
After physical therapy on Tuesday, Grace and the kids and I went away for 2 nights this week to a bed and breakfast about 1 hour from our house. I had booked an 1800s log cabin that had been preserved in its original state and filled with antique furniture. It was like staying in a museum. It felt like we were living in the 1800's with the exception of the bathrooms. Grace and I even felt some culture shock initially, the change in atmosphere in the house was so pervasive. Perhaps people were shorter back then because I hit my head quite a few times on the logs sticking out from the ceiling. Little Gracie even managed to hit her head on the slanted walls!
Merriam, the owner/innkeeper greeted us when we arrived. She is a 69 year old woman who has been running this bed and breakfast for over 20 years. She invited me into her living room to complete the registration while Grace took the kids to the log cottage to use the bathroom. As I was sitting there waiting for the credit card to process, Merriam asked me if I had surgery recently. I told her that this was my second surgery for cancer and described some of the treatments that I did recently. Merriam's face sunk. She let out a big sigh and didn't say anything for a minute. I didn't know what to say either, so I just sat quietly. Then she said, "It's just too bad. Somebody so young. It's just too bad."
I didn't really know what to say in response. Sometimes I try to cheer people up by telling them how it's not hopeless and I'm actually quite happy despite what's been going on and that I believe in a God who can work miracles. Usually I get really uncomfortable sitting silently in front of a stranger, but for some reason I felt comfortable leaving the conversation at that. There was a manner about Merriam that made me feel very comfortable and welcome in her home.
Before leaving to show us around the property Merriam said, "It was a little hard to understand you on the phone, but in person it's not a problem at all." For some reason those where really encouraging words to my ears. I felt thankful that she could understand me.
After we finished the tour of the property the kids played and ran around freely like they were at home. AJ was so excited about the chickens and horses and kept talking about them all the time. We really felt like we could get away even though it was just for 2 days. I felt sad that we missed prayer meeting on Tuesday night at our house and Wednesday night at church because I always love seeing people from church, but it was nice to just be alone as a family with no phone calls or doctors appointments to worry about. The kids loved being on a farm with animals and they even got to touch them and feed them.
Merriam proved to be the kindest and most hospitable hostess I'm ever met. I typically feel self-conscious around strangers about the fact that I can't eat and have to eat through a tube in my stomach. Even at church gatherings I'll feed myself in the car or try to hide so people don't have to see. But for some reason instead of feeding myself before I went to breakfast, I decided to bring it and feed myself in Merriam's 1700's dining room. I didn't feel self-conscious around Merriam. In fact, I almost felt loved by her even though we barely knew each other. As I was feeding myself, Merriam came over and said, "What is that you're having there." So I went on to explain how I couldn't eat and had to feed through a tube.
In response her face sunk again just like the first day when first I told her about my cancer. While she served some delicious looking banana bread, eggs, bacon and hash browns to Grace and the kids, she told me about people that she knew that had cancer and had digestive disabilities. Then she told me how she herself had to relearn how to eat because a surgeon who removed her tonsils when she was five damaged the epiglottis so she had trouble protecting her airway. That is basically one of the problems I have with swallowing as well. After that Merriam told us about how she broke her neck in a car accident and should have been paralyzed, but miraculously is not, yet can't turn her head left and right and how her husband left her after 28 years and she had to open this bed and breakfast in her home to make money just to survive. Then she told us about her daughter's husband leaving her and how tough her life was. I remember thinking to myself that she really has had a tough life but she's not bitter about it. She's just so happy all the time you wouldn't know it.
As we talked more we mentioned our church, Redeemer Bible Church, in Minnetonka. Merriam said, "Oh, thats nice. I'm familiar with bible churches because I used to go to Maranatha Bible church when I lived in Bloomington. Where in Minnetonka is you church?"
"On Highway 7", we answered. After Merriam mentioned Maranatha Bible Church some lights started turning on for Grace and I.
It turns out that Merriam used to go to our church 30 years ago when it was still in Glen Lake and was called Maranatha Bible Church. Since then it moved to Minnetonka and changed names to Woodland Hills and then to Redeemer. She knows many of our friends like Betty C. and Audrey F. who helped start the church and two of the pastors, Don G. and Doug S. In fact, she went to high school with Betty. Small world, huh?
After talking about the church and expository preaching and other things, our time at the bed and breakfast came to a close. After looking back on our experience I just felt like Merriam ministered to us in a special way and with few words. She made complete strangers and their toddler children feel welcomed and loved. She had her own burdens but always had a warm smile and caring personality all day long. She knew what pain and discomfort was like, and always spoke to us with compassion and love. Grace and I wanted a short vacation getaway, but the Lord was so gracious to give us a loving friend along with it.
Merriam Helping Gracie feed the horses
AJ and Gracie playing in the field
AJ wearing the free hat they gave me after my oncology appointment
After physical therapy on Tuesday, Grace and the kids and I went away for 2 nights this week to a bed and breakfast about 1 hour from our house. I had booked an 1800s log cabin that had been preserved in its original state and filled with antique furniture. It was like staying in a museum. It felt like we were living in the 1800's with the exception of the bathrooms. Grace and I even felt some culture shock initially, the change in atmosphere in the house was so pervasive. Perhaps people were shorter back then because I hit my head quite a few times on the logs sticking out from the ceiling. Little Gracie even managed to hit her head on the slanted walls!
Merriam, the owner/innkeeper greeted us when we arrived. She is a 69 year old woman who has been running this bed and breakfast for over 20 years. She invited me into her living room to complete the registration while Grace took the kids to the log cottage to use the bathroom. As I was sitting there waiting for the credit card to process, Merriam asked me if I had surgery recently. I told her that this was my second surgery for cancer and described some of the treatments that I did recently. Merriam's face sunk. She let out a big sigh and didn't say anything for a minute. I didn't know what to say either, so I just sat quietly. Then she said, "It's just too bad. Somebody so young. It's just too bad."
I didn't really know what to say in response. Sometimes I try to cheer people up by telling them how it's not hopeless and I'm actually quite happy despite what's been going on and that I believe in a God who can work miracles. Usually I get really uncomfortable sitting silently in front of a stranger, but for some reason I felt comfortable leaving the conversation at that. There was a manner about Merriam that made me feel very comfortable and welcome in her home.
Before leaving to show us around the property Merriam said, "It was a little hard to understand you on the phone, but in person it's not a problem at all." For some reason those where really encouraging words to my ears. I felt thankful that she could understand me.
After we finished the tour of the property the kids played and ran around freely like they were at home. AJ was so excited about the chickens and horses and kept talking about them all the time. We really felt like we could get away even though it was just for 2 days. I felt sad that we missed prayer meeting on Tuesday night at our house and Wednesday night at church because I always love seeing people from church, but it was nice to just be alone as a family with no phone calls or doctors appointments to worry about. The kids loved being on a farm with animals and they even got to touch them and feed them.
Merriam proved to be the kindest and most hospitable hostess I'm ever met. I typically feel self-conscious around strangers about the fact that I can't eat and have to eat through a tube in my stomach. Even at church gatherings I'll feed myself in the car or try to hide so people don't have to see. But for some reason instead of feeding myself before I went to breakfast, I decided to bring it and feed myself in Merriam's 1700's dining room. I didn't feel self-conscious around Merriam. In fact, I almost felt loved by her even though we barely knew each other. As I was feeding myself, Merriam came over and said, "What is that you're having there." So I went on to explain how I couldn't eat and had to feed through a tube.
In response her face sunk again just like the first day when first I told her about my cancer. While she served some delicious looking banana bread, eggs, bacon and hash browns to Grace and the kids, she told me about people that she knew that had cancer and had digestive disabilities. Then she told me how she herself had to relearn how to eat because a surgeon who removed her tonsils when she was five damaged the epiglottis so she had trouble protecting her airway. That is basically one of the problems I have with swallowing as well. After that Merriam told us about how she broke her neck in a car accident and should have been paralyzed, but miraculously is not, yet can't turn her head left and right and how her husband left her after 28 years and she had to open this bed and breakfast in her home to make money just to survive. Then she told us about her daughter's husband leaving her and how tough her life was. I remember thinking to myself that she really has had a tough life but she's not bitter about it. She's just so happy all the time you wouldn't know it.
As we talked more we mentioned our church, Redeemer Bible Church, in Minnetonka. Merriam said, "Oh, thats nice. I'm familiar with bible churches because I used to go to Maranatha Bible church when I lived in Bloomington. Where in Minnetonka is you church?"
"On Highway 7", we answered. After Merriam mentioned Maranatha Bible Church some lights started turning on for Grace and I.
It turns out that Merriam used to go to our church 30 years ago when it was still in Glen Lake and was called Maranatha Bible Church. Since then it moved to Minnetonka and changed names to Woodland Hills and then to Redeemer. She knows many of our friends like Betty C. and Audrey F. who helped start the church and two of the pastors, Don G. and Doug S. In fact, she went to high school with Betty. Small world, huh?
After talking about the church and expository preaching and other things, our time at the bed and breakfast came to a close. After looking back on our experience I just felt like Merriam ministered to us in a special way and with few words. She made complete strangers and their toddler children feel welcomed and loved. She had her own burdens but always had a warm smile and caring personality all day long. She knew what pain and discomfort was like, and always spoke to us with compassion and love. Grace and I wanted a short vacation getaway, but the Lord was so gracious to give us a loving friend along with it.
Merriam Helping Gracie feed the horses
AJ and Gracie playing in the field
AJ wearing the free hat they gave me after my oncology appointment Monday, August 25, 2008
Doing Better
I know that many of you have been concerned about how we are doing since our last blog. As I had mentioned, Grace Lindeman's help restored some mental capacity to me to be able to understand what our needs are better and how to meet them. Prior to her coming, I had no idea that she was what I needed, and almost said it wasn't necessary, I was so in denial, expecting Andrew to get better any day like he had last year.
Also, writing down what I'm feeling and thinking also helps me to realize things after I write them. And so, a lot has changed since the last blog. We have since had another teenager who lives locally come a couple of times a week to make Andrew's juices and foods, and that has made all the difference in the world, freeing me up hugely.
Additionally, we realized since Andrew wasn't starting physical therapy until last Friday, we had a couple of days prior to that free. And so very last minute, Andrew and I, and the kids went away for three days to this place that was a row of cabins in Minnesota. It faced these green mountains with a river that ran alongside it. It was really kid friendly with a large green field in front of the cabins and a big playground. The first day we were there, we went with the kids to play on it, and Andrew said it was so nice just to focus on them and have nothing else that we have to attend to hanging over our heads. We were only supposed to stay until Thursday, but Andrew said he was so happy there, and he said that being happy must be better for his health than anything else, so he had us extend our stay until Friday morning and went to his physical therapy appointment on the way back from our trip. I, too, felt very refreshed afterwards.
I think one of the reasons we had that idea to go away was a few different people had said to us that even though we can't go on vacation for a few weeks like we would like to, we should try to go away locally as often as we can. Then, a check arrived in the mail from a friend saying the same exact thing. We figured we should probably stop stalling and just go.
And so we're going to continue our vacation again tomorrow after Andrew's physical therapy for two nights until Thursday. The kids are so excited because this time we are going to a bed and breakfast on a farm.
(Who would have ever pictured us actually setting out to go on vacation to a farm? I remember when we first visited Washington and stayed at someone's house who had horses and chickens and fresh eggs in the morning and we thought we had landed on some other planet. Even a couple of years into it, driving past some llamas on someone's front yard on the way to a friend's house, I thought I had entered a movie that was a comedy. In the end, our stay in Washington must have had its impact on us city slickers).
Additionally, Andrew's parents will be arriving this weekend, and his mom will stay on to help us and drive Andrew to his appointments.
The Lord is teaching us so much, which we will have to write about next time!
Thank you to everyone for all your love and concern and prayers. We know that much of the encouraging things that happen must be the fruit of your prayers.
And from Andrew:
2) Grace and I received two gift checks in the mail last week and prayed that the Lord would provide a relaxing place to go last minute for a short family vacation even though everything but hotels are pretty much booked solid. I called around last week and was about to give up, but then begged that God would provide if He willed us to go. Then it came to mind that I should call the two really expensive places anyways and see what they say. It turns out that those two places happen to have 1 cabin open the days we wanted last week and this week, and they miraculously are giving it to us at half price which fell into the price that we were looking for!
3) I haven't thrown up in a few weeks! The gagging still occurs, but for some reason I have been able to keep the food down and my weight is stable. The docs say that it is great that I'm not losing weight. They don't expect me to be able to gain for a while.
Requests:
1) Keep praying that I will be fully healed, and that the pain would subside. I will have my first cancer scan in mid-September.
2) Keep praying for encouragement for Grace and I. We are feeling much more encouraged this week.
Also, writing down what I'm feeling and thinking also helps me to realize things after I write them. And so, a lot has changed since the last blog. We have since had another teenager who lives locally come a couple of times a week to make Andrew's juices and foods, and that has made all the difference in the world, freeing me up hugely.
Additionally, we realized since Andrew wasn't starting physical therapy until last Friday, we had a couple of days prior to that free. And so very last minute, Andrew and I, and the kids went away for three days to this place that was a row of cabins in Minnesota. It faced these green mountains with a river that ran alongside it. It was really kid friendly with a large green field in front of the cabins and a big playground. The first day we were there, we went with the kids to play on it, and Andrew said it was so nice just to focus on them and have nothing else that we have to attend to hanging over our heads. We were only supposed to stay until Thursday, but Andrew said he was so happy there, and he said that being happy must be better for his health than anything else, so he had us extend our stay until Friday morning and went to his physical therapy appointment on the way back from our trip. I, too, felt very refreshed afterwards.
I think one of the reasons we had that idea to go away was a few different people had said to us that even though we can't go on vacation for a few weeks like we would like to, we should try to go away locally as often as we can. Then, a check arrived in the mail from a friend saying the same exact thing. We figured we should probably stop stalling and just go.
And so we're going to continue our vacation again tomorrow after Andrew's physical therapy for two nights until Thursday. The kids are so excited because this time we are going to a bed and breakfast on a farm.
(Who would have ever pictured us actually setting out to go on vacation to a farm? I remember when we first visited Washington and stayed at someone's house who had horses and chickens and fresh eggs in the morning and we thought we had landed on some other planet. Even a couple of years into it, driving past some llamas on someone's front yard on the way to a friend's house, I thought I had entered a movie that was a comedy. In the end, our stay in Washington must have had its impact on us city slickers).
Additionally, Andrew's parents will be arriving this weekend, and his mom will stay on to help us and drive Andrew to his appointments.
The Lord is teaching us so much, which we will have to write about next time!
Thank you to everyone for all your love and concern and prayers. We know that much of the encouraging things that happen must be the fruit of your prayers.
And from Andrew:
1) I got some new system of pain meds two weeks ago that seem to be working better. Although I still suffer the narcotic side effects and withdrawal symptoms (extreme fatigue, tremors, weird moods) every time they start to fade, it is not nearly as bad. Now instead of going into withdrawal every other day, it is about twice per week.
2) Grace and I received two gift checks in the mail last week and prayed that the Lord would provide a relaxing place to go last minute for a short family vacation even though everything but hotels are pretty much booked solid. I called around last week and was about to give up, but then begged that God would provide if He willed us to go. Then it came to mind that I should call the two really expensive places anyways and see what they say. It turns out that those two places happen to have 1 cabin open the days we wanted last week and this week, and they miraculously are giving it to us at half price which fell into the price that we were looking for!
3) I haven't thrown up in a few weeks! The gagging still occurs, but for some reason I have been able to keep the food down and my weight is stable. The docs say that it is great that I'm not losing weight. They don't expect me to be able to gain for a while.
Requests:
1) Keep praying that I will be fully healed, and that the pain would subside. I will have my first cancer scan in mid-September.
2) Keep praying for encouragement for Grace and I. We are feeling much more encouraged this week.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
That We Might Not Rely on Ourselves
GRACE WRITES:
The other day, the doctor informed us that it has been two months since Andrew's treatments ended. I couldn't believe it, because Andrew's healing is still excruciatingly slow. The doctor said that this is much more of a normal timeline for healing, and that the reason we're feeling so frustrated is because Andrew bounced back so ridiculously fast last year that we have the wrong expectations. She said most patients don't even get their feeding tube out for nine to twelve months. We aren't using the feeding tube as our gauge for Andrew's healing, though, because we don't know if Andrew's jaw is going to survive for him to eat (or have a normal face) or even if the surgeon left enough swallowing muscles for him to ever re-learn to swallow. For all we know, the feeding tube is permanent. So instead, we are gauging his healing on things like his energy-level. While he has made some progress, he still sleeps and rests the majority of a 24-hour period and his pain meds are at their highest due to all the pain in his mouth and neck region, still healing from all the burns inflicted by radiation and new ulcers from irritation during his rehab exercises. The only way Andrew can talk or do rehab exercises is with the use of copius amounts of pain medications. Although they work okay, they make him very tired and he is so addicted to them that his body goes into an extremely uncomfortable withdrawl all the time because it is so hard to keep a consistant level in his blood.
I suppose our lives must be a mystery to most of you. Now that treatment is over, things actually seem harder than ever. In the past when we had hard days we grinned and beared it, lost some sleep and recovered over the weekend or over our next vacation. Nowadays, it's as if we've had 6 months straight of tough days, with nothing but a 3 day vacation, with the burden of anticipating tough days for the forseeable future. Its like running a marathon, getting an 8 ounce cup of ice cold water, and then being told that you have at least 26 more miles to run.
Here is what one day this week was like and is representative of a lot of our lives:
I woke up and had my time alone with the Lord. The kids and Andrew woke up and we all rushed off to a morning of doctors' appointments. I have to drive Andrew to everything, not only because I need to hear everything the doctor says, but because the narcotics make Andrew extremely tired and slows his response time, making it inadvisable for him to drive. The kids got to play with the toys in the waiting room until the doctor called us in. When we followed Andrew into the doctor's room, the kids sat down on the chairs and I handed them a pile of books, while Andrew and I spoke to the doctor for an hour or so. The kids went through their piles of books and began to get ansy. Just then the doctor had Andrew sit on the table to look into his mouth. The kids jumped up from their seats, pawed at me to pick them up so they could look too. This is the part that a nurse in the room always laughs and comments on how quiet the kids get as they stare from behind the doctor as she shines a light into Andrew's mouth.
It is such a comfort to have the kids with me. They are a distraction and make me smile in-between our tortuous talks with the doctors.
We often have multiple doctors' appointments in a day. This day we managed to finish around not much later than 1pm, which worked out, because I needed to feed the kids lunch. We hardly ever eat out anymore, because it's torture for Andrew, but I asked Andrew if we could this time, because I've noticed that lately whenever we return from doctors' appointments, I get extremely overwhelmed between being starving because I haven't eaten yet and anxious about all the adjustments we have to make either in Andrew's meds, foods, routine, etc., so much that I usually get paralyzed into utter confusion and don't know what to do. So, I thought we should do something fun and relaxing for me and get lunch in Minneapolis (I'm learning that I need to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to keep taking care of my family).
Andrew injected his food through his stomach tube in the privacy of the car while the kids and I started lunch inside, so that he wouldn't add hunger to his frustrations when he saw our food. After lunch, driving home, and dropping off Andrew's inevitable new prescriptions for various pain remedies, it was way past the kids' nap time.
Andrew usually rests or naps during the kids nap too. When he's awake, he works on his jaw stretches to maintain his ability to open his mouth. Despite the heavy-duty pain meds he's on, these stretches are excruciating.
Once everyone's down and quiet in their rooms, it's as if a switch is flipped and suddenly exhaustion overcomes me. So now I have a choice: I can either take a break for myself and neglect my responsibilities towards Andrew or ignore my own body, drink some caffeine, and take the next two or so hours of their nap to make Andrew's homemade formula in the Vita-Mix and eight cups of vegetable juice in the juicer, and find out from him if there's anything else he needs. (I usually like to make the food and juices daily so that they are as fresh as possible and because they take so long to make that if I made extra batches it would take some painful amount of hours).
Once the kids wake up, it's dinner time. Dinner, of course, still has to be made. If I took a break and didn't finish making Andrew's food during the kids' nap, then the kids will have to have dinner late, I'm in chaos, and I'm trying to make all their food all at once. So I tell the kids to color or play outside, and I start on dinner. Soon after dinner, it's time to prepare for the kids to go to bed. We sing and pray together.
Andrew starts on his night routine. He feeds himself his fourth meal, takes all his meds, showers, and does his speech therapy exercises and jaw stretches. It takes at least an hour for him to prepare for bed. I wind down. And that's pretty much our day.
Other days when we don't have doctors appointments, I spend a lot of time on the phone with doctors, making appointments, asking questions about whatever miseries Andrew is encountering that week, and catching up on errands, buying his vegetables for his juicing, etc. I'm always looking for ways to save 3 minutes here, thirty minutes there, because it all adds up, and I can use every bit of it. I've started using paper plates and paper cups for everything. As much as possible, I try to do my errands at the little strip mall within a mile of our house. I realized, why am I still going to Target when I no longer live down the street from it like I did in our two previous living places? So I go to Snyder's Pharmacy for those types of things, and I pay a little more at the local grocery store, and a little more where I get my haircut. And when I finally got to take Gracie to the dentist about a tooth I was concerned about, it had to be the dentist in the same strip mall, forget if he was actually good or not, not only is it close, it deletes the research time. When I make appointments at the various places, I can make them all in person all at once when I'm already there for something else and don't have to look their numbers up online and get distracted. The good thing is that I'm starting to get to know the people there, and it's fun to bump into them. Other than the doctors and church, sometimes that's my only time getting out.
A cancer lifestyle is so different than a normal lifestyle that it often leaves Andrew and I feeling very alone and isolated in our struggles, knowing that few can relate. Typically cancer occurs in older families, not 26 year olds. People our age celebrate their youthfulness by playing sports, eating a lot and staying up late at night. Andrew feels so different now than others because he can hardly do any of the things that people his age or any age do. No one knows what it's like to be on an endless fast, getting nourishment without the satisfaction of enjoying a food's texture and taste, while watching everyone else take for granted a basic pleasure of life. As for me, most people think, "It's probably like having three kids, right?" Not really. It's like having a really really sick husband and two toddlers on top of that.
I already found being a wife and training two helpless little ones overwhelming, but when my partner and leader in it needed me more than they needed me, the kids took a backseat when it came to delving out the attention and time. As he puts it, he can barely feed himself, he has such little energy.
Imagine the doctors telling you that you would most likely lose the love of your life and the father of your children. I believe that the length of Andrew's life is in the hand of God alone, but He has given me the stewardship of caring for my husband's life. I've always had a hard time understanding the nuances of the relationship between God's sovereignty and my responsibility. I mean, if I never fed my children, I couldn't blame it on God if they starved to death. I feel very much that if anyone's going to give Andrew the possibility of surviving his poor prognosis, in one sense, I feel it relies more on me than on all his doctors. And yet, anything I do or don't do is all in the sovereignty of God and any wisdom or strength I have to take care of him is all by the grace of God. One thing I do know is that God calls me to be faithful with this responsibility.
And so my first priority is to nurse my husband back to health and stay on top of his healthcare, but the children and all their needs are the same as they were back when those in themselves were overwhelming. Like I said, it is like having a very sick husband and two toddlers on top of that.
In lieu of support groups that people with cancer or other situations go to, we find ourselves drawn to a couple of blogs of young Christian widows and widowers of cancer victims that people have sent us links to that we occasionally check. It's excruciating to read their stuff, but when I feel loneliest, or I'm just concerned for how they're doing, I can't help myself. I always come away sobbing, even if what they wrote may not seem particularly sad to other people. I guess because I feel like I can relate so much to what they are saying. I read this man, Rupert's blog this afternoon, who's wife in her early 30's passed a way about two weeks ago. He wrote that she had told him a month or two before she died that no matter what he did or didn't do, she never wanted him to feel guilty, as if he should have done something differently. I cried and cried at that. I feel guilty every day all the time.
If Andrew calls a doctor, I feel like, I should have done that for him. It's my fault. If I had been on top of that, he wouldn't have had to do it himself. It's so hard for him to communicate, particularly on the phone. If I'm late in making his food and he has to eat his hospital formula, I feel like, Why aren't I on top of that? It's my responsibility that I give him every advantage possible to rebuild his body. The week he finished treatments, he wanted to help out by feeding himself all his meals, not relying on me to inject his food when he's too tired. The next week at the doctors, we found out he lost nine pounds. I was horrified and felt like it was completely my fault by not making sure he was still injecting all his food. One comfort is that I found out at our last doctor's appointment that his body is using up so many calories to heal that it's nearly impossible to give him enough calories. And that rather than feel guilty that he hasn't gained any weight since ending treatments, the fact that he hasn't lost any weight since the 9 lbs. is already exceptional.
I also feel guilty all day about my kids. I feel guilty that quality time together sometimes consists of sitting on my lap during a doctor's appointment. Or reading the Bible to them sometimes is playing a Bible CD on the way to doctors' appointments - and that's if I remember to press "play". I feel guilty that sometimes it's so hard to concentrate on them and I'm distracted when Gracie's "date" is to come alone with us to the doctor's, because we have someone to watch A.J., and she asks me a question about the construction workers next to the hospital parking structure, and I'm too preoccupied to even answer. I want to enjoy every moment with them as their childhood slips through my fingers, and yet I wasn't even paying attention during a rare opportunity she had to have the attention not shared with her brother. Gracie wasn't even one year-old when Andrew first got cancer and now at 2.5, she initiated trying to potty train herself with the help of her brother. I play no role in it.
So much of the cancer battle is mental. This is a marathon, but we are sprinters. This is a marathon and the finish line is unknown. The mental battle is fierce, but I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically worn out. These two months since Andrew finished treatment have been the most difficult of all for me. And I feel guilty that I am worn out, because then I can't be upbeat for my husband or very much of an encouragement to him.
And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because I'm supposed to believe and rest in the gospel that, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ," and "If God is for us, who can be against us?" But I hardly know my way out of my guilt or how the gospel applies in this situation. So all I am left to do is cry out, "Rescue me, God, because I don't know my way out and my mind is spinning and I can't think and I know I'm behind on so many tasks, and my kids need to eat and so does Andrew, and I need to call the doctor, and I can't think enough which to do now."
In 2 Cor. 1:8, Paul says: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure..." And he said, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
I may not know what is going on right now, and my mind may be a whirl, but I find that in the midst of my tears, the Lord begins to reassure me He is good and He is faithful, and still very much with us. And while I sometimes feel like I never imagined God would let us get as low as we sometimes have found ourselves, I know He is still merciful, my understanding of His mercy was just insufficient.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.
- Psalm 34: 15-22
Verse 20 is a prophesy of what would happen to Christ. And so these verses of God promising to deliver and to hear the cry of the brokenhearted apply to Jesus too, even though He suffered and died. So suffering and death does not mean God has forsaken or been unfaithful. What a comfort to know that Jesus preceded us in all our brokenheartedness and suffering. How it makes it easier to bear and makes one feel a Comforter can be found in Jesus.
I have seen His faithfulness in very concrete ways as well. About a month after Andrew finished his treatments, a month in which he was sicker even than he had been during his treatments, I was so burnt out, I felt totally ineffective, could hardly think, was confused most of the time, and hardly knew what I was doing, except that I knew Andrew needed to eat and the kids needed to eat. I didn't know what our needs were or how to meet any of them. But the Lord allowed someone to know.
A friend from our old church in Washington had her best friend in Canada send her 15 year-old daughter, who is the oldest girl of nine children, come to help us for 2.5 weeks. The Lord dropped grace from heaven by bringing Grace Lindeman to us. She was indefatigable and happily did anything I asked her to. She fed the kids all the more involved breakfasts and healthy meals I had been feeling anxious to feed them, but hadn't had the time or mental capacity to invest in. Every time I thanked her for her help, she always found something to thank me for: "No, thank you for letting me come," or whatever else she could think of. She was my friend, a great listener, and brought out the laughter and youthfulness that seemed to have faded away in me.
I was still very busy while she was here, running errands, calling doctors, doctor's appointments, helping Andrew, but my kids got better care and Grace Lindeman always encouraged me to take the breaks I needed. She said, "I came here to help. So that you could take care of the things I can't take care of, like talking with the doctors, and so that you and Andrew could be free to leave whenever you need to."
While she was here, Andrew began to feel a little better, so I snatched what probably would be our one opportunity for awhile for the two of us to get away for three nights. The Lord provided a spa for us, Sundara Spa, three hours away with a kitchen in our room, so I could still make Andrew's juices and give him all his foods. When Andrew had started radiation and chemo in May, I had lost my appetite. Food lost all its flavor and appeal to me and I ate my three daily meals only at of obligation to stay well enough to take care of my family. But my portions grew smaller than they used to be, and I sometimes forgot to eat a meal here and there. The spa, however, pampered us. So it was there that I re-learned to eat large meals 3-4 times a day and even to snack, as they served healthy meals and had all kinds of healthy snacks and drinks all over the grounds. Surprising, even though the food was so healthy, in three days I gained back the few pounds that I had lost in the months since Andrew's surgery in March (although I think I would be much healthier if I could gain another 10 lbs., which is nearly impossible for me...even though I know most of you don't want to hear that, I am finally sharing that because I need prayer for it.)
Andrew still slept much of the time we were there, and I had a hard time shutting off my brain. If he was sleeping and I was swimming in the pool, I kept worrying if he needed me or had had enough to eat yet. Since treatment had ended, he had been on no particular meal schedule, because it had become too frustrating for him to sit with us at meal time and watch us eat, he sometimes slept through his meals, and sometimes his stomach hurt or he felt too nauseated to eat anything when it would have been about time to eat. Our last day at the Sundara Spa, I told Andrew that I still felt like my brain was on over-drive and I still was having a hard time de-stressing. He said, "Well I feel like I relaxed here." I responded, "Well then that's all that matters." After he said that, I felt like I was finally able to unwind. By the time Grace Lindeman left two days later, I felt like I had regained a little bit of my mental capacity, and with that could begin figuring out more ways we could continue to cope with this lifestyle. What a blessing and encouragement she was to our family, bright sunshine amidst the storm.
Physical Therapy
As for other updates, since Andrew's treatments ended, we have been praying that his jaw would heal, because the doctors were concerned that the radiation had killed it. But we finally met with the oral surgeon for the first time last week, and he said that it is too soon to tell, and it is possible the jaw still may heal partially or even completely on its own. He does not recommend hyperbaric oxygen, a prerequisite to surgery, because he says cancer feeds on the same things our bodies feed on, so he is fearful that the oxygen could feed any residual cancer in Andrew's body. He also wouldn't want to do any kind of surgery so soon, because of the risk that Andrew wouldn't heal from it in his extremely damaged and weak state right now. That's totally how we felt about surgery. So that is a relief that we don't have to worry about those treatments right now.
Since they have been fearful about Andrew's jaw, Andrew has not been allowed to chew anything. So any progress Andrew had made consuming food through his mouth has been halted until further notice.
Andrew will start physical therapy in Edina twice a week and speech therapy in Minneapolis three times a week for about six to twelve weeks next Friday, Aug. 22nd. Originally, the speech therapist was skeptical that he would be able to work on swallowing with Andrew. He tested Andrew the other day, and he was surprised that when Andrew drank water, it didn't go into his lungs ("aspirate"). Fluid in the lungs would put him at risk for pneumonia, in which case the speech therapist wouldn't have even attempted to work with him on trying to swallow again.
(When Andrew would consume things through his mouth after his surgery, he wasn't using his swallowing muscles. He just tipped his head back and flushed the food down his throat with a lot of water) .
So those are two prayers that perhaps God is in the process of answering. But we must keep praying that Andrew's jaw would heal completely on its own and that he would be able to learn how to swallow again.
And of course, please pray that Andrew would be cancer-free permanently.
Oh, and I always forget to ask for myself, which may be why I'm having such a hard time. Please pray for me that the Lord would strengthen me mentally, emotionally, spirtually, physically to be able to persist in meeting the needs of my family.
The other day, the doctor informed us that it has been two months since Andrew's treatments ended. I couldn't believe it, because Andrew's healing is still excruciatingly slow. The doctor said that this is much more of a normal timeline for healing, and that the reason we're feeling so frustrated is because Andrew bounced back so ridiculously fast last year that we have the wrong expectations. She said most patients don't even get their feeding tube out for nine to twelve months. We aren't using the feeding tube as our gauge for Andrew's healing, though, because we don't know if Andrew's jaw is going to survive for him to eat (or have a normal face) or even if the surgeon left enough swallowing muscles for him to ever re-learn to swallow. For all we know, the feeding tube is permanent. So instead, we are gauging his healing on things like his energy-level. While he has made some progress, he still sleeps and rests the majority of a 24-hour period and his pain meds are at their highest due to all the pain in his mouth and neck region, still healing from all the burns inflicted by radiation and new ulcers from irritation during his rehab exercises. The only way Andrew can talk or do rehab exercises is with the use of copius amounts of pain medications. Although they work okay, they make him very tired and he is so addicted to them that his body goes into an extremely uncomfortable withdrawl all the time because it is so hard to keep a consistant level in his blood.
I suppose our lives must be a mystery to most of you. Now that treatment is over, things actually seem harder than ever. In the past when we had hard days we grinned and beared it, lost some sleep and recovered over the weekend or over our next vacation. Nowadays, it's as if we've had 6 months straight of tough days, with nothing but a 3 day vacation, with the burden of anticipating tough days for the forseeable future. Its like running a marathon, getting an 8 ounce cup of ice cold water, and then being told that you have at least 26 more miles to run.
Here is what one day this week was like and is representative of a lot of our lives:
I woke up and had my time alone with the Lord. The kids and Andrew woke up and we all rushed off to a morning of doctors' appointments. I have to drive Andrew to everything, not only because I need to hear everything the doctor says, but because the narcotics make Andrew extremely tired and slows his response time, making it inadvisable for him to drive. The kids got to play with the toys in the waiting room until the doctor called us in. When we followed Andrew into the doctor's room, the kids sat down on the chairs and I handed them a pile of books, while Andrew and I spoke to the doctor for an hour or so. The kids went through their piles of books and began to get ansy. Just then the doctor had Andrew sit on the table to look into his mouth. The kids jumped up from their seats, pawed at me to pick them up so they could look too. This is the part that a nurse in the room always laughs and comments on how quiet the kids get as they stare from behind the doctor as she shines a light into Andrew's mouth.
It is such a comfort to have the kids with me. They are a distraction and make me smile in-between our tortuous talks with the doctors.
We often have multiple doctors' appointments in a day. This day we managed to finish around not much later than 1pm, which worked out, because I needed to feed the kids lunch. We hardly ever eat out anymore, because it's torture for Andrew, but I asked Andrew if we could this time, because I've noticed that lately whenever we return from doctors' appointments, I get extremely overwhelmed between being starving because I haven't eaten yet and anxious about all the adjustments we have to make either in Andrew's meds, foods, routine, etc., so much that I usually get paralyzed into utter confusion and don't know what to do. So, I thought we should do something fun and relaxing for me and get lunch in Minneapolis (I'm learning that I need to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to keep taking care of my family).
Andrew injected his food through his stomach tube in the privacy of the car while the kids and I started lunch inside, so that he wouldn't add hunger to his frustrations when he saw our food. After lunch, driving home, and dropping off Andrew's inevitable new prescriptions for various pain remedies, it was way past the kids' nap time.
Andrew usually rests or naps during the kids nap too. When he's awake, he works on his jaw stretches to maintain his ability to open his mouth. Despite the heavy-duty pain meds he's on, these stretches are excruciating.
Once everyone's down and quiet in their rooms, it's as if a switch is flipped and suddenly exhaustion overcomes me. So now I have a choice: I can either take a break for myself and neglect my responsibilities towards Andrew or ignore my own body, drink some caffeine, and take the next two or so hours of their nap to make Andrew's homemade formula in the Vita-Mix and eight cups of vegetable juice in the juicer, and find out from him if there's anything else he needs. (I usually like to make the food and juices daily so that they are as fresh as possible and because they take so long to make that if I made extra batches it would take some painful amount of hours).
Once the kids wake up, it's dinner time. Dinner, of course, still has to be made. If I took a break and didn't finish making Andrew's food during the kids' nap, then the kids will have to have dinner late, I'm in chaos, and I'm trying to make all their food all at once. So I tell the kids to color or play outside, and I start on dinner. Soon after dinner, it's time to prepare for the kids to go to bed. We sing and pray together.
Andrew starts on his night routine. He feeds himself his fourth meal, takes all his meds, showers, and does his speech therapy exercises and jaw stretches. It takes at least an hour for him to prepare for bed. I wind down. And that's pretty much our day.
Other days when we don't have doctors appointments, I spend a lot of time on the phone with doctors, making appointments, asking questions about whatever miseries Andrew is encountering that week, and catching up on errands, buying his vegetables for his juicing, etc. I'm always looking for ways to save 3 minutes here, thirty minutes there, because it all adds up, and I can use every bit of it. I've started using paper plates and paper cups for everything. As much as possible, I try to do my errands at the little strip mall within a mile of our house. I realized, why am I still going to Target when I no longer live down the street from it like I did in our two previous living places? So I go to Snyder's Pharmacy for those types of things, and I pay a little more at the local grocery store, and a little more where I get my haircut. And when I finally got to take Gracie to the dentist about a tooth I was concerned about, it had to be the dentist in the same strip mall, forget if he was actually good or not, not only is it close, it deletes the research time. When I make appointments at the various places, I can make them all in person all at once when I'm already there for something else and don't have to look their numbers up online and get distracted. The good thing is that I'm starting to get to know the people there, and it's fun to bump into them. Other than the doctors and church, sometimes that's my only time getting out.
A cancer lifestyle is so different than a normal lifestyle that it often leaves Andrew and I feeling very alone and isolated in our struggles, knowing that few can relate. Typically cancer occurs in older families, not 26 year olds. People our age celebrate their youthfulness by playing sports, eating a lot and staying up late at night. Andrew feels so different now than others because he can hardly do any of the things that people his age or any age do. No one knows what it's like to be on an endless fast, getting nourishment without the satisfaction of enjoying a food's texture and taste, while watching everyone else take for granted a basic pleasure of life. As for me, most people think, "It's probably like having three kids, right?" Not really. It's like having a really really sick husband and two toddlers on top of that.
I already found being a wife and training two helpless little ones overwhelming, but when my partner and leader in it needed me more than they needed me, the kids took a backseat when it came to delving out the attention and time. As he puts it, he can barely feed himself, he has such little energy.
Imagine the doctors telling you that you would most likely lose the love of your life and the father of your children. I believe that the length of Andrew's life is in the hand of God alone, but He has given me the stewardship of caring for my husband's life. I've always had a hard time understanding the nuances of the relationship between God's sovereignty and my responsibility. I mean, if I never fed my children, I couldn't blame it on God if they starved to death. I feel very much that if anyone's going to give Andrew the possibility of surviving his poor prognosis, in one sense, I feel it relies more on me than on all his doctors. And yet, anything I do or don't do is all in the sovereignty of God and any wisdom or strength I have to take care of him is all by the grace of God. One thing I do know is that God calls me to be faithful with this responsibility.
And so my first priority is to nurse my husband back to health and stay on top of his healthcare, but the children and all their needs are the same as they were back when those in themselves were overwhelming. Like I said, it is like having a very sick husband and two toddlers on top of that.
In lieu of support groups that people with cancer or other situations go to, we find ourselves drawn to a couple of blogs of young Christian widows and widowers of cancer victims that people have sent us links to that we occasionally check. It's excruciating to read their stuff, but when I feel loneliest, or I'm just concerned for how they're doing, I can't help myself. I always come away sobbing, even if what they wrote may not seem particularly sad to other people. I guess because I feel like I can relate so much to what they are saying. I read this man, Rupert's blog this afternoon, who's wife in her early 30's passed a way about two weeks ago. He wrote that she had told him a month or two before she died that no matter what he did or didn't do, she never wanted him to feel guilty, as if he should have done something differently. I cried and cried at that. I feel guilty every day all the time.
If Andrew calls a doctor, I feel like, I should have done that for him. It's my fault. If I had been on top of that, he wouldn't have had to do it himself. It's so hard for him to communicate, particularly on the phone. If I'm late in making his food and he has to eat his hospital formula, I feel like, Why aren't I on top of that? It's my responsibility that I give him every advantage possible to rebuild his body. The week he finished treatments, he wanted to help out by feeding himself all his meals, not relying on me to inject his food when he's too tired. The next week at the doctors, we found out he lost nine pounds. I was horrified and felt like it was completely my fault by not making sure he was still injecting all his food. One comfort is that I found out at our last doctor's appointment that his body is using up so many calories to heal that it's nearly impossible to give him enough calories. And that rather than feel guilty that he hasn't gained any weight since ending treatments, the fact that he hasn't lost any weight since the 9 lbs. is already exceptional.
I also feel guilty all day about my kids. I feel guilty that quality time together sometimes consists of sitting on my lap during a doctor's appointment. Or reading the Bible to them sometimes is playing a Bible CD on the way to doctors' appointments - and that's if I remember to press "play". I feel guilty that sometimes it's so hard to concentrate on them and I'm distracted when Gracie's "date" is to come alone with us to the doctor's, because we have someone to watch A.J., and she asks me a question about the construction workers next to the hospital parking structure, and I'm too preoccupied to even answer. I want to enjoy every moment with them as their childhood slips through my fingers, and yet I wasn't even paying attention during a rare opportunity she had to have the attention not shared with her brother. Gracie wasn't even one year-old when Andrew first got cancer and now at 2.5, she initiated trying to potty train herself with the help of her brother. I play no role in it.
So much of the cancer battle is mental. This is a marathon, but we are sprinters. This is a marathon and the finish line is unknown. The mental battle is fierce, but I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically worn out. These two months since Andrew finished treatment have been the most difficult of all for me. And I feel guilty that I am worn out, because then I can't be upbeat for my husband or very much of an encouragement to him.
And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because I'm supposed to believe and rest in the gospel that, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ," and "If God is for us, who can be against us?" But I hardly know my way out of my guilt or how the gospel applies in this situation. So all I am left to do is cry out, "Rescue me, God, because I don't know my way out and my mind is spinning and I can't think and I know I'm behind on so many tasks, and my kids need to eat and so does Andrew, and I need to call the doctor, and I can't think enough which to do now."
In 2 Cor. 1:8, Paul says: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure..." And he said, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
I may not know what is going on right now, and my mind may be a whirl, but I find that in the midst of my tears, the Lord begins to reassure me He is good and He is faithful, and still very much with us. And while I sometimes feel like I never imagined God would let us get as low as we sometimes have found ourselves, I know He is still merciful, my understanding of His mercy was just insufficient.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.
- Psalm 34: 15-22
Verse 20 is a prophesy of what would happen to Christ. And so these verses of God promising to deliver and to hear the cry of the brokenhearted apply to Jesus too, even though He suffered and died. So suffering and death does not mean God has forsaken or been unfaithful. What a comfort to know that Jesus preceded us in all our brokenheartedness and suffering. How it makes it easier to bear and makes one feel a Comforter can be found in Jesus.
I have seen His faithfulness in very concrete ways as well. About a month after Andrew finished his treatments, a month in which he was sicker even than he had been during his treatments, I was so burnt out, I felt totally ineffective, could hardly think, was confused most of the time, and hardly knew what I was doing, except that I knew Andrew needed to eat and the kids needed to eat. I didn't know what our needs were or how to meet any of them. But the Lord allowed someone to know.
A friend from our old church in Washington had her best friend in Canada send her 15 year-old daughter, who is the oldest girl of nine children, come to help us for 2.5 weeks. The Lord dropped grace from heaven by bringing Grace Lindeman to us. She was indefatigable and happily did anything I asked her to. She fed the kids all the more involved breakfasts and healthy meals I had been feeling anxious to feed them, but hadn't had the time or mental capacity to invest in. Every time I thanked her for her help, she always found something to thank me for: "No, thank you for letting me come," or whatever else she could think of. She was my friend, a great listener, and brought out the laughter and youthfulness that seemed to have faded away in me.
I was still very busy while she was here, running errands, calling doctors, doctor's appointments, helping Andrew, but my kids got better care and Grace Lindeman always encouraged me to take the breaks I needed. She said, "I came here to help. So that you could take care of the things I can't take care of, like talking with the doctors, and so that you and Andrew could be free to leave whenever you need to."
While she was here, Andrew began to feel a little better, so I snatched what probably would be our one opportunity for awhile for the two of us to get away for three nights. The Lord provided a spa for us, Sundara Spa, three hours away with a kitchen in our room, so I could still make Andrew's juices and give him all his foods. When Andrew had started radiation and chemo in May, I had lost my appetite. Food lost all its flavor and appeal to me and I ate my three daily meals only at of obligation to stay well enough to take care of my family. But my portions grew smaller than they used to be, and I sometimes forgot to eat a meal here and there. The spa, however, pampered us. So it was there that I re-learned to eat large meals 3-4 times a day and even to snack, as they served healthy meals and had all kinds of healthy snacks and drinks all over the grounds. Surprising, even though the food was so healthy, in three days I gained back the few pounds that I had lost in the months since Andrew's surgery in March (although I think I would be much healthier if I could gain another 10 lbs., which is nearly impossible for me...even though I know most of you don't want to hear that, I am finally sharing that because I need prayer for it.)
Andrew still slept much of the time we were there, and I had a hard time shutting off my brain. If he was sleeping and I was swimming in the pool, I kept worrying if he needed me or had had enough to eat yet. Since treatment had ended, he had been on no particular meal schedule, because it had become too frustrating for him to sit with us at meal time and watch us eat, he sometimes slept through his meals, and sometimes his stomach hurt or he felt too nauseated to eat anything when it would have been about time to eat. Our last day at the Sundara Spa, I told Andrew that I still felt like my brain was on over-drive and I still was having a hard time de-stressing. He said, "Well I feel like I relaxed here." I responded, "Well then that's all that matters." After he said that, I felt like I was finally able to unwind. By the time Grace Lindeman left two days later, I felt like I had regained a little bit of my mental capacity, and with that could begin figuring out more ways we could continue to cope with this lifestyle. What a blessing and encouragement she was to our family, bright sunshine amidst the storm.
Physical Therapy
As for other updates, since Andrew's treatments ended, we have been praying that his jaw would heal, because the doctors were concerned that the radiation had killed it. But we finally met with the oral surgeon for the first time last week, and he said that it is too soon to tell, and it is possible the jaw still may heal partially or even completely on its own. He does not recommend hyperbaric oxygen, a prerequisite to surgery, because he says cancer feeds on the same things our bodies feed on, so he is fearful that the oxygen could feed any residual cancer in Andrew's body. He also wouldn't want to do any kind of surgery so soon, because of the risk that Andrew wouldn't heal from it in his extremely damaged and weak state right now. That's totally how we felt about surgery. So that is a relief that we don't have to worry about those treatments right now.
Since they have been fearful about Andrew's jaw, Andrew has not been allowed to chew anything. So any progress Andrew had made consuming food through his mouth has been halted until further notice.
Andrew will start physical therapy in Edina twice a week and speech therapy in Minneapolis three times a week for about six to twelve weeks next Friday, Aug. 22nd. Originally, the speech therapist was skeptical that he would be able to work on swallowing with Andrew. He tested Andrew the other day, and he was surprised that when Andrew drank water, it didn't go into his lungs ("aspirate"). Fluid in the lungs would put him at risk for pneumonia, in which case the speech therapist wouldn't have even attempted to work with him on trying to swallow again.
(When Andrew would consume things through his mouth after his surgery, he wasn't using his swallowing muscles. He just tipped his head back and flushed the food down his throat with a lot of water) .
So those are two prayers that perhaps God is in the process of answering. But we must keep praying that Andrew's jaw would heal completely on its own and that he would be able to learn how to swallow again.
And of course, please pray that Andrew would be cancer-free permanently.
Oh, and I always forget to ask for myself, which may be why I'm having such a hard time. Please pray for me that the Lord would strengthen me mentally, emotionally, spirtually, physically to be able to persist in meeting the needs of my family.
"On [God] we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
- 2 Corinthians 1:11
I can't think of an acronym, but the letters start with JSCG. To sum up:
1. Jaw heal completely
2. Swallowing restored
3. Cancer-free forever
4. Grace - mental, emotional, spiritual, physical refreshment and strength for me to persist. And to gain 10 lbs.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Bee Bee Es
ANDREW WRITES:
For one week every summer many churches have a program called Vacation Bible School, "VBS", or, as A.J. and Gracie call it, "Bee Bee Es".
Our church, Redeemer Bible Church, held their VBS program last week for ages 4 and up. AJ is only 3.5, but they said he could sign up anyways to give us a break (well, cause we left the kids and went on vacation for three nights). I was praying that AJ would take this opportunity to step it up to the next level in maturity and start being a big boy rather than a toddler. When we heard the reports from the VBS teachers about how AJ was such a good boy in the 4-year old class and obeyed the teachers and was even one of the kids that was really fun to be around, I was so happy for him.
Sam Jay would take her kids, pick up our nephew and nieces, Noah, Zoe, and Joy, and then come to our house to pick up A.J. every morning. When we returned from our vacation, Grace asked Zoe, age 10, lots of questions. "Where did A.J. get that Spiderman backpack? How did he get tickets? Memorize verses? How did he do that?" We learned that Zoe helped A.J. memorize his verses in the car, which he then won tickets for. With a little help from Zoe and Joy's tickets, A.J. was able to redeem a Spiderman backpack with his tickets. That was so A.J.! A backpack that was Spiderman. We also learned that little red-haired Frankie Beck, age 5,who was in A.J.'s class, also took him under his wing and always tried to show A.J. the ropes. When Sam arrived for A.J. on Friday morning, the first morning we were back from our vacation, we opened the door to the truck, and everyone was like, "Hi, A.J.!" He was just like one of the group. With the big kids!
On the last day of VBS they invited the parents to stop by at the end for a lunch gathering, so Grace and I went. I was so glad to see AJ so excited and happy and being himself among his peers. Despite having to go through cancer these past two years with our family, he's still carefree, happy, and maturing. It is natural to think that cancer is an unfortunate setback in our lives with negative consequences for our poor children. Sometimes, Grace and I are afraid that our children are missing out, because they don't get all the attention, training, and opportunities other kids their age get in a family that doesn't have cancer. Instead we have seen that God is blessing our children's growth more than we could have imagined. It just goes to show that we can't take the credit for our children's progress. It is the Lord who builds our household, with or without cancer. Praise God for always answering our prayers to provide for them in all the ways that we can't!
Psalm 127
Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
For one week every summer many churches have a program called Vacation Bible School, "VBS", or, as A.J. and Gracie call it, "Bee Bee Es".
Our church, Redeemer Bible Church, held their VBS program last week for ages 4 and up. AJ is only 3.5, but they said he could sign up anyways to give us a break (well, cause we left the kids and went on vacation for three nights). I was praying that AJ would take this opportunity to step it up to the next level in maturity and start being a big boy rather than a toddler. When we heard the reports from the VBS teachers about how AJ was such a good boy in the 4-year old class and obeyed the teachers and was even one of the kids that was really fun to be around, I was so happy for him.
Sam Jay would take her kids, pick up our nephew and nieces, Noah, Zoe, and Joy, and then come to our house to pick up A.J. every morning. When we returned from our vacation, Grace asked Zoe, age 10, lots of questions. "Where did A.J. get that Spiderman backpack? How did he get tickets? Memorize verses? How did he do that?" We learned that Zoe helped A.J. memorize his verses in the car, which he then won tickets for. With a little help from Zoe and Joy's tickets, A.J. was able to redeem a Spiderman backpack with his tickets. That was so A.J.! A backpack that was Spiderman. We also learned that little red-haired Frankie Beck, age 5,who was in A.J.'s class, also took him under his wing and always tried to show A.J. the ropes. When Sam arrived for A.J. on Friday morning, the first morning we were back from our vacation, we opened the door to the truck, and everyone was like, "Hi, A.J.!" He was just like one of the group. With the big kids!
On the last day of VBS they invited the parents to stop by at the end for a lunch gathering, so Grace and I went. I was so glad to see AJ so excited and happy and being himself among his peers. Despite having to go through cancer these past two years with our family, he's still carefree, happy, and maturing. It is natural to think that cancer is an unfortunate setback in our lives with negative consequences for our poor children. Sometimes, Grace and I are afraid that our children are missing out, because they don't get all the attention, training, and opportunities other kids their age get in a family that doesn't have cancer. Instead we have seen that God is blessing our children's growth more than we could have imagined. It just goes to show that we can't take the credit for our children's progress. It is the Lord who builds our household, with or without cancer. Praise God for always answering our prayers to provide for them in all the ways that we can't!
Psalm 127
Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Picking up the pieces
When things fall apart in life I'm usually shaken up a little bit and I grab the few broken pieces of my life and try to fit them back together in a new, improved way. Our first battle with cancer was a walk in the park compared to this. We were able to pick up the pieces of our lives in just a few months and return to normal. This battle with cancer has been so intense and life changing that it's almost like everything was disintegrated. I feel like there are no usable pieces to grab and put back in place.
So now I feel like I'm rebuilding my life from scratch. It is hard to explain but I just feel like I'm starting my life over. Trials are like a fire that melts a piece of metal, burns away the impurities and leaves a more refined end product. Cancer is doing just that. I'm begining to see everything in a new way. A new way of being a husband, father and brother. A new way of seeing my career. A new way of seeing my gifts and talents and how I can use them in this world. But above all I see my wife in a whole new way after all this.
For the past 4.5 years I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman. In the past 4.5 months I've seen this 28 year old woman step up to the greatest challenge I could have imagined. To watch your husband practically almost die from multiple surgeries and complications, then nurse him back to life. Then, try to actually keep him alive while the doctors try to kill him with chemicals and radiation. All while managing phone calls, doctors appointments, my blood tests and nutritional intake through my feeding tube AND raising 2 toddlers at the same time. And most importantly, she tried to keep me laughing. And when I wasn't laughing she was speaking the truth to me in love to bring my mind out of the gutter.
I clearly remember those late nights when she would wake up to me puking my brains out then hop out of bed and get me water or medicine or make me chamomile tea, and when I was feeling like giving up and she would tell me about all the wonderful things I have to live for. Or when I came home from the hospital and she would put on latex gloves and clean all my wounds and change my bandages with the utmost care. She just watched the nurses each day at the hospital and learned how to care for my wounds. Or how she would always teach the kids to be gentle with Papa's "ouwees" and explain to them why I had a tube coming out of my nose. She would rent comedy movies for me and make sure I wasn't watching any depressing WWII documentries on TV. And the list goes on and on and on and on. And she did it because it made her happy to. I've never taken care of Grace or anybody like that. I'm actually quite the opposite of that, lazy and uncompassionate towards others. What a precious jewel Grace is.
Pray for me as I seek repentance and change in this area of my life. I so want to be a more caring, compassionate, and understanding person . God is really working on my pride, self reliance and laziness through this trial. Though I feel guilty I know that God forgives me and Grace forgives me. Thank you Jesus that my life is not built on a foundation of good works, good looks, health, or money, because then I would be a complete failure and destined for hell. But my life is built on the firm foundation of the blood of Jesus which washed all my sins away forever. Amen!
Matt 7:24-27 Jesus said:
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
So now I feel like I'm rebuilding my life from scratch. It is hard to explain but I just feel like I'm starting my life over. Trials are like a fire that melts a piece of metal, burns away the impurities and leaves a more refined end product. Cancer is doing just that. I'm begining to see everything in a new way. A new way of being a husband, father and brother. A new way of seeing my career. A new way of seeing my gifts and talents and how I can use them in this world. But above all I see my wife in a whole new way after all this.
For the past 4.5 years I've been married to a wonderful, beautiful woman. In the past 4.5 months I've seen this 28 year old woman step up to the greatest challenge I could have imagined. To watch your husband practically almost die from multiple surgeries and complications, then nurse him back to life. Then, try to actually keep him alive while the doctors try to kill him with chemicals and radiation. All while managing phone calls, doctors appointments, my blood tests and nutritional intake through my feeding tube AND raising 2 toddlers at the same time. And most importantly, she tried to keep me laughing. And when I wasn't laughing she was speaking the truth to me in love to bring my mind out of the gutter.
I clearly remember those late nights when she would wake up to me puking my brains out then hop out of bed and get me water or medicine or make me chamomile tea, and when I was feeling like giving up and she would tell me about all the wonderful things I have to live for. Or when I came home from the hospital and she would put on latex gloves and clean all my wounds and change my bandages with the utmost care. She just watched the nurses each day at the hospital and learned how to care for my wounds. Or how she would always teach the kids to be gentle with Papa's "ouwees" and explain to them why I had a tube coming out of my nose. She would rent comedy movies for me and make sure I wasn't watching any depressing WWII documentries on TV. And the list goes on and on and on and on. And she did it because it made her happy to. I've never taken care of Grace or anybody like that. I'm actually quite the opposite of that, lazy and uncompassionate towards others. What a precious jewel Grace is.
Pray for me as I seek repentance and change in this area of my life. I so want to be a more caring, compassionate, and understanding person . God is really working on my pride, self reliance and laziness through this trial. Though I feel guilty I know that God forgives me and Grace forgives me. Thank you Jesus that my life is not built on a foundation of good works, good looks, health, or money, because then I would be a complete failure and destined for hell. But my life is built on the firm foundation of the blood of Jesus which washed all my sins away forever. Amen!
Matt 7:24-27 Jesus said:
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
A little Peace
Grace and I hate going to the doctors nowadays because the news we get is usually unfavorable. Today, we had two appointments. The first was with our radiation doctor, Dr. Lee, and the second was with my surgeon, Dr. Yueh. Dr. Lee didn't have much to say other than that things seem to be healing slowly, and the tissue is very sensitive still so I can expect it to bleed easily. So coughing and spitting blood still shouldn't alarm me too much.
When we visited Dr. Yueh we told him that we've been having trouble getting an appointment with an oral surgeon to look at my jaw. It has been almost 3 weeks and they finally called us back yesterday to schedule an appointment with some other new doctor, because the experienced doctor we were referred to happens to be the University's director of oral surgery and was too busy. So Dr. Yueh said he would call the oral surgeons and take care of things for us. We just received a phone call from Dr. Yueh and he told us that he called the oral surgeons and the doctor that we were originally referred to is now going to make time to see me on Monday! Grace and I were just commenting on how we feel so taken care of by Dr. Yueh and his team, even though he is extremely busy as well being the director of the University's head and neck department. All the other doctors just kind of brush by us and aren't compassionate or very helpful. But Dr. Yueh and his team always bend over backwards, and they make everybody else bend over backwards as well to help us. It's so comforting to be under his care. It's not like his compassion and help are going to change my prognosis or make things less painful or difficult. It's just that there is something so comforting about knowing that somebody is looking out for you. So in the midst of difficulty one can find some peace.
This example today reminds me of how our heavenly father cares for us. In fact, one of the ways God is taking care of us and giving us peace amidst a storm is directly through Dr. Yueh. I always get worried and think of all the possiblities of things that could go wrong and worst possible scenarios. My worrying isn't going to change a thing. But then I think about how God has always taken care of us when we trust Him. Never has God said no to us and kicked us to the curb. Sometimes we have to wait, sometimes God answers in ways we didn't expect, but never have I felt like He doesn't care. Last year when I had cancer things were hard and not everything worked out the way we wanted it to, but in the end of that period of time things did work out well and I was good as new, and we even got to move to Minnesota! God placed it on our hearts to pray and beg for those very things and He answered. The fact that I know God is compassionate and looking out for my best interest is not necessarily going to change my prognosis, or make things less painful or difficult either, but there is peace knowing that God is watching out for me. Nothing can separate me from His love.
Romans 8:28, 38, 39
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose...
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
When we visited Dr. Yueh we told him that we've been having trouble getting an appointment with an oral surgeon to look at my jaw. It has been almost 3 weeks and they finally called us back yesterday to schedule an appointment with some other new doctor, because the experienced doctor we were referred to happens to be the University's director of oral surgery and was too busy. So Dr. Yueh said he would call the oral surgeons and take care of things for us. We just received a phone call from Dr. Yueh and he told us that he called the oral surgeons and the doctor that we were originally referred to is now going to make time to see me on Monday! Grace and I were just commenting on how we feel so taken care of by Dr. Yueh and his team, even though he is extremely busy as well being the director of the University's head and neck department. All the other doctors just kind of brush by us and aren't compassionate or very helpful. But Dr. Yueh and his team always bend over backwards, and they make everybody else bend over backwards as well to help us. It's so comforting to be under his care. It's not like his compassion and help are going to change my prognosis or make things less painful or difficult. It's just that there is something so comforting about knowing that somebody is looking out for you. So in the midst of difficulty one can find some peace.
This example today reminds me of how our heavenly father cares for us. In fact, one of the ways God is taking care of us and giving us peace amidst a storm is directly through Dr. Yueh. I always get worried and think of all the possiblities of things that could go wrong and worst possible scenarios. My worrying isn't going to change a thing. But then I think about how God has always taken care of us when we trust Him. Never has God said no to us and kicked us to the curb. Sometimes we have to wait, sometimes God answers in ways we didn't expect, but never have I felt like He doesn't care. Last year when I had cancer things were hard and not everything worked out the way we wanted it to, but in the end of that period of time things did work out well and I was good as new, and we even got to move to Minnesota! God placed it on our hearts to pray and beg for those very things and He answered. The fact that I know God is compassionate and looking out for my best interest is not necessarily going to change my prognosis, or make things less painful or difficult either, but there is peace knowing that God is watching out for me. Nothing can separate me from His love.
Romans 8:28, 38, 39
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose...
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Esther update
Esther went to be with the Lord on Saturday. She's not suffering anymore. Perhaps she's dancing at the feet of Jesus right now. If you can handle it, you must read their blog (http://www.xanga.com/rupandesther). Please pray for those whom she left behind who are mourning, especially Rupert, her husband. I feel like I got to know them through the blog though we've never met before. Perhaps now I know how some of you feel who don't know us and are reading our blog. As you know, blogs are usually highlight reels of people's lives. If you read Rupert's blog you'll see that it only takes him a few hours to come up with a highlight wereas it takes 3-7 days before something decent pops out of me =)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Rupert and Esther
Esther has a very advanced brain tumor. I was greatly encouraged by their blog, and their love for the same Jesus that I love. Rupert, Esther's husband, has been lovingly caring for his wife for years now. I'm amazed at his selfless, tender devotion to his bride.
They go to the same church that I went to as a child in NJ (RCCC). Please please pray for them. Read more here.
http://www.xanga.com/rupandesther
They go to the same church that I went to as a child in NJ (RCCC). Please please pray for them. Read more here.
http://www.xanga.com/rupandesther
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Some pictures
I'm gaining strength each day. The pain in my mouth, neck and throat area has gotten a little worse and is taking a very long time to heal. Part of it is my jaw, and perhaps part of it is that some nerves were numbed from surgery and radiation, but are now starting to rejuvenate. Also, my rehab exercises cause me plenty of pain and some bleeding, but I have to do them. It is encouraging to see progress in a positive direction again and it gives me hope. Below are some pictures from the past few months that a never had the strength to upload and post.
The big Tomotherapy machine. They scoot me inside this thing for about 25 mins 5 days per week for 7 weeks. That plastic mask is very tight and uncomfortable.
The kids and I the day before my surgery. This was my last meal that I ate which was a Horseradish encrusted filet mignon at Wildfire in Eden Prairie.
Grace's 28th Birthday Party (May 10, 2008)
AJ and Gracie picking wild flowers at the park near our house.
The big Tomotherapy machine. They scoot me inside this thing for about 25 mins 5 days per week for 7 weeks. That plastic mask is very tight and uncomfortable.
The kids and I a few weeks after surgery.
The kids and I the day before my surgery. This was my last meal that I ate which was a Horseradish encrusted filet mignon at Wildfire in Eden Prairie.
Grace's 28th Birthday Party (May 10, 2008)
More of Grace's Birthday
My right arm. This is where they took skin, muscles and blood vessels to reconstruct my mouth. My leg has similar wounds as well.
AJ and Gracie playing in the sand box in our backyard. They're best friends!
AJ and Gracie picking wild flowers at the park near our house.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The context
Take courage, life isn't all about fighting cancer. I know many people have begun reading our blogs recently and may not know about our life before cancer. If you havn't already taken the time to read our life stories and the previous blog posts, please do. The past several months is only a chapter within the context of a much more interesting story - God's story. We praise Him for each and every day that He has given me, and each day that He will give me. God has already "written" my story, and I pray that I will be excited to see what God reveals to me each day. His mercies are new every morning.
Our life stories (http://www.graceandrew.com/ click "Our Life Stories")
Our other blog entries (2005 2006 2007 2008)
Psalm 139:14-16
"I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Our life stories (http://www.graceandrew.com/ click "Our Life Stories")
Our other blog entries (2005 2006 2007 2008)
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Motorola
Motorola's stock price is so low because I haven't been working for the past few months. When I get back to work we'll all see a jump in the price.
A bunch of people from my Motorola office here in MN came to visit me Monday. It was so nice to see them and how much they care about our family. They even brought be a big card with a check from a fundraiser BBQ they had at the office. That money will definately go to good use since I'm on a reduced monthly income with disability insurance. Praise God for insurance, I don't know what we would do without it!
Anyhow, after my friends from Motorola came over I was wondering why there was such a sense of warmth of relationship when they were here. It was weird. Almost like family, but not quite. I havn't lived here or worked here for that long, so I don't know many of them very well. Perhaps it was a combination of things. For one I've been starved for human interactions outside of my family since I don't go to work each day so it was nice to have a group of people from work visit. Additionally, I don't expect people to really care that much about me and I'm always surprised when they do. I am so amazed at the kindness that people express to our family. It puts me to shame because when I'm healthy and even most of the time when I'm sick all I can think about is myself, and caring for others falls by the wayside. God is continuing to teach me to be more selfless each day.
Anyhow, thank you all so much for all the ways many of you have cared for my family. From praying, to babysitting and meals, to sending gift cards and money, to notes of encouragement and more. The Lord really provides for us one day at a time. It is such an exercise to trust Him and not get ahead of ourselves and start worrying about tomorrow. I went out for a short bike ride the other day around the lake near our house and I noticed all the birds and the flowers and was reminded of Matthew 6:25-34
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Please keep leaving comments or send me an email (address is at top of page). We love to hear from all of you.
A bunch of people from my Motorola office here in MN came to visit me Monday. It was so nice to see them and how much they care about our family. They even brought be a big card with a check from a fundraiser BBQ they had at the office. That money will definately go to good use since I'm on a reduced monthly income with disability insurance. Praise God for insurance, I don't know what we would do without it!
Anyhow, after my friends from Motorola came over I was wondering why there was such a sense of warmth of relationship when they were here. It was weird. Almost like family, but not quite. I havn't lived here or worked here for that long, so I don't know many of them very well. Perhaps it was a combination of things. For one I've been starved for human interactions outside of my family since I don't go to work each day so it was nice to have a group of people from work visit. Additionally, I don't expect people to really care that much about me and I'm always surprised when they do. I am so amazed at the kindness that people express to our family. It puts me to shame because when I'm healthy and even most of the time when I'm sick all I can think about is myself, and caring for others falls by the wayside. God is continuing to teach me to be more selfless each day.
Anyhow, thank you all so much for all the ways many of you have cared for my family. From praying, to babysitting and meals, to sending gift cards and money, to notes of encouragement and more. The Lord really provides for us one day at a time. It is such an exercise to trust Him and not get ahead of ourselves and start worrying about tomorrow. I went out for a short bike ride the other day around the lake near our house and I noticed all the birds and the flowers and was reminded of Matthew 6:25-34
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Please keep leaving comments or send me an email (address is at top of page). We love to hear from all of you.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Rough night
I was so tired last night that just laid down and fell asleep as Grace was putting the kids to bed. I didn't have energy to eat my last meal through my feeding tube, take my medications or do anything for my wounds. When I woke up a little before midnight i just felt so unmotivated, and cringed at the thought of dragging myself out of bed to do a whole list a things in my nighttime routine. I thought to myself, is this what life if going to be like? Constantly fighting pain and infections, and being hungry but dreading feeding yourself because it is so unsatisfying to eat through a tube in your stomach.
It didn't take long for my mind to spiral into a hellish cycle of worthless thoughts. Whats the point of fighting to live? Will life be satisfying ever again? Will I ever feel better? Will I ever eat or taste again? I'm a terrible, useless, husband and father...I just want to give up.
Thankfully Grace entered the room shortly after and I told her what I was thinking. She cried and said, "You can't give up, I need you. I need you! I married you so that we could grow old together. I need you, Andrew!" Grace then read to me from Romans 8 and I was reminded that this suffering is not about me, but about glorifying God. God has chosen me to suffer for His sake.
Rom 8:16-18
16The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,
17and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Grace then started going down the list of comments of our blog and reading them to me. I'm so amazed that our readers are encouraged by what we write. When others are edified through our suffering it gives me a sense of purpose. If we can help others be happier, especially happier in God then it is worth it. It doesn't make it easier, but it encourages me to fight on.
Please keep praying that there will be no more cancer in my body, that my jaw would miraculously heal and God would restore my speech and swallowing.
It didn't take long for my mind to spiral into a hellish cycle of worthless thoughts. Whats the point of fighting to live? Will life be satisfying ever again? Will I ever feel better? Will I ever eat or taste again? I'm a terrible, useless, husband and father...I just want to give up.
Thankfully Grace entered the room shortly after and I told her what I was thinking. She cried and said, "You can't give up, I need you. I need you! I married you so that we could grow old together. I need you, Andrew!" Grace then read to me from Romans 8 and I was reminded that this suffering is not about me, but about glorifying God. God has chosen me to suffer for His sake.
Rom 8:16-18
16The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,
17and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Grace then started going down the list of comments of our blog and reading them to me. I'm so amazed that our readers are encouraged by what we write. When others are edified through our suffering it gives me a sense of purpose. If we can help others be happier, especially happier in God then it is worth it. It doesn't make it easier, but it encourages me to fight on.
Please keep praying that there will be no more cancer in my body, that my jaw would miraculously heal and God would restore my speech and swallowing.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Turning the corner
It's Andrew again. During treatments I was too sick and unmotivated to blog, but now I'm doing a little better. Last week and the week before were my worst ever. I threw up every day and felt so sick and tired that I didn't eat much either. I ended up losing at least 5 lbs, maybe 9 depending on which scale you believe in just 1 week. Anyhow, praise God that I'm feeling much better this week, I gained back a few lbs!
This past weekend we decided to go to Grace's cousin Amanda's wedding in Wisconsin. I thought I would be too sick to attend the wedding, so I was just going to stay in the hotel room and rest. But on Saturday I felt so much better and was able to make it to the wedding and part of the reception! And praise God that I've been feeling a little better each day since then.
Just as I started to get some energy back and stopped throwing up all the time, the Lord provided a new challenge for us all.
It turns out that the radiation destroyed some of my teeth and most likely part of my jaw bone. This is called radio-osteonecrosis. They said I would have to do hyperbaric oxygen treatments and then pull some teeth. Most likely I'll additionally have to remove a portion of my jaw bone that we tried so hard to save during my last surgery.
Hyperbaric oxygen treatment is used to stimulate healing and increasing blood vessels. You sit in a high pressure chamber breathing pure oxygen for 1.5 hours five days a week for 6-8 weeks. You have to do a regimen before and after the teeth and/or jaw bone are removed.
If we do not remove the rotten tooth and anything else that might be infected, the infection will spread to the rest of my body and be another thing distracting my body from healing.
Some people question that if you stimulate blood vessle growth this close to cancer treatments, if there is still some cancer that hasn't finished dying yet, the blood vessels could provide more blood to the cancer, thus feeding it. Statistics do not show, though, that hyperbaric oxygen stimulates cancer growth and instead seems to only be beneficial.
If we end up doing all the treatments it would mean 12-16 weeks of hyperbaric oxygen and another major jaw/reconstructive surgery similar to what I did in March.
Currently, the doctor has given me penicillin and some antibiotic rinses to keep the infection at bay.
Please pray that God would heal my jaw and that the next scan will show that the bone has rejuvinated on its own (which may be a possibility) and that there are no infections. Please also pray for wisdom as to what treatments to do if any.
GRACE ADDS:
The good news:
- This new rotten tooth/possible dying-jaw condition is not life-threatening.
- Also, hyperbaric oxygen should not be toxic the way his previous treatments have been. There is a slight possibility that the hyperbaric treatment itself would heal his tooth and he wouldn't have to have anything else removed.
The bad news:
- We thought we were done with treatments and are very disappointed and totally burnt out to a crisp.
- If Andrew's jaw is dying, which we don't know yet, they would either have to replace it with a bone in his leg and some muscle in his chest. If we didn't want to do such a major surgery and just replaced his jaw with a metal one, he would be disfigured.
It would be horrible for him to go through another major surgery like that again and would be a major obstacle to his recovery. I feel like in order to get ahead of his cancer, we need to stop doing additional damage to his body.
This past weekend we decided to go to Grace's cousin Amanda's wedding in Wisconsin. I thought I would be too sick to attend the wedding, so I was just going to stay in the hotel room and rest. But on Saturday I felt so much better and was able to make it to the wedding and part of the reception! And praise God that I've been feeling a little better each day since then.
Just as I started to get some energy back and stopped throwing up all the time, the Lord provided a new challenge for us all.
It turns out that the radiation destroyed some of my teeth and most likely part of my jaw bone. This is called radio-osteonecrosis. They said I would have to do hyperbaric oxygen treatments and then pull some teeth. Most likely I'll additionally have to remove a portion of my jaw bone that we tried so hard to save during my last surgery.
Hyperbaric oxygen treatment is used to stimulate healing and increasing blood vessels. You sit in a high pressure chamber breathing pure oxygen for 1.5 hours five days a week for 6-8 weeks. You have to do a regimen before and after the teeth and/or jaw bone are removed.
If we do not remove the rotten tooth and anything else that might be infected, the infection will spread to the rest of my body and be another thing distracting my body from healing.
Some people question that if you stimulate blood vessle growth this close to cancer treatments, if there is still some cancer that hasn't finished dying yet, the blood vessels could provide more blood to the cancer, thus feeding it. Statistics do not show, though, that hyperbaric oxygen stimulates cancer growth and instead seems to only be beneficial.
If we end up doing all the treatments it would mean 12-16 weeks of hyperbaric oxygen and another major jaw/reconstructive surgery similar to what I did in March.
Currently, the doctor has given me penicillin and some antibiotic rinses to keep the infection at bay.
Please pray that God would heal my jaw and that the next scan will show that the bone has rejuvinated on its own (which may be a possibility) and that there are no infections. Please also pray for wisdom as to what treatments to do if any.
GRACE ADDS:
The good news:
- This new rotten tooth/possible dying-jaw condition is not life-threatening.
- Also, hyperbaric oxygen should not be toxic the way his previous treatments have been. There is a slight possibility that the hyperbaric treatment itself would heal his tooth and he wouldn't have to have anything else removed.
The bad news:
- We thought we were done with treatments and are very disappointed and totally burnt out to a crisp.
- If Andrew's jaw is dying, which we don't know yet, they would either have to replace it with a bone in his leg and some muscle in his chest. If we didn't want to do such a major surgery and just replaced his jaw with a metal one, he would be disfigured.
It would be horrible for him to go through another major surgery like that again and would be a major obstacle to his recovery. I feel like in order to get ahead of his cancer, we need to stop doing additional damage to his body.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Avalanche
About eight days ago, Andrew's mom left and returned to her home in New Jersey. It was our first week without her in a month and our first week after treatments ended. At first it seemed to be going well by God's grace. It felt like I was riding a wave, trying to breathe, and keep calm. Each day was a mad competition to stay ahead of the game, lest I fall one step behind and an avalanche collapse on me. Essentially, I function like a single mom of two toddlers/24-7 nurse.
Then Saturday Andrew took another dip into misery and utter exhaustion, and thus needed me even more. As a result, this week everything is clearly beyond me and everyone is a little neglected including Andrew.
One of the things that made a big difference when Andrew's mom was here was that if Andrew needed me, I could suddenly leave the kids and attend to him. Andrew had a special knock on the wall that he would do whenever he was calling me.
Now, if I suddenly need to attend to Andrew, the kids always happen to be eating one of their meals, and toddlers really can't be left alone while they are eating. If I run up to Andrew, something always happens so that Gracie always ends up screaming at the top of her lungs, which even from upstairs is ear-shattering and impossible to ignore. I am running up and down the stairs and nobody's getting the help they really need.
The worse off Andrew is, the more he sleeps, and thus the less he communicates. He is too exhausted to think about his needs, and so what he really needs me to do is constantly be contemplating what possibly could be his needs and how I can meet them. But anyone who has two toddlers knows that they are a totally distracting job from life, let alone distracting from someone who actually needs your 100% attention. I have always wished I could just sit at Andrew's bedside all day and just stare at him trying to scheme of ways I can not only help along his recovery, but be a comfort to him as well.
Please pray the Lord would provide the grace to take good care of Andrew. To have the wisdom and presence of mind to be able to keep track of what his constantly changing and fluctuating needs are, as well as the strength to stay on top of all the labor to meet his needs and the essential needs of our family.
Then Saturday Andrew took another dip into misery and utter exhaustion, and thus needed me even more. As a result, this week everything is clearly beyond me and everyone is a little neglected including Andrew.
One of the things that made a big difference when Andrew's mom was here was that if Andrew needed me, I could suddenly leave the kids and attend to him. Andrew had a special knock on the wall that he would do whenever he was calling me.
Now, if I suddenly need to attend to Andrew, the kids always happen to be eating one of their meals, and toddlers really can't be left alone while they are eating. If I run up to Andrew, something always happens so that Gracie always ends up screaming at the top of her lungs, which even from upstairs is ear-shattering and impossible to ignore. I am running up and down the stairs and nobody's getting the help they really need.
The worse off Andrew is, the more he sleeps, and thus the less he communicates. He is too exhausted to think about his needs, and so what he really needs me to do is constantly be contemplating what possibly could be his needs and how I can meet them. But anyone who has two toddlers knows that they are a totally distracting job from life, let alone distracting from someone who actually needs your 100% attention. I have always wished I could just sit at Andrew's bedside all day and just stare at him trying to scheme of ways I can not only help along his recovery, but be a comfort to him as well.
Please pray the Lord would provide the grace to take good care of Andrew. To have the wisdom and presence of mind to be able to keep track of what his constantly changing and fluctuating needs are, as well as the strength to stay on top of all the labor to meet his needs and the essential needs of our family.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Shockingly Soon
It has been just over one week since Andrew finished his treatments. Andrew was feeling pretty discouraged, as he said he felt worse than he had during all the treatments. He was very exhausted, sleeping a lot until Monday, making his moods very low too.
Worse than the exhaustion, though, was the area around his mouth. His voice each day has increasingly become more hoarse, making it harder and harder for him to talk. His saliva, thicker than any mucous, has been causing him to gag frequently and up until last Saturday was causing him to throw up. His skin has been peeling off his neck, yellow slime slicking around it. But his pain meds are so strong that there were times he would scratch himself and wouldn't realize he was making himself bleed.
At the same time, being on the outside, and not experiencing the physical suffering that he was, which I'm sure made the days seem excruciatingly long for him, I felt so hopeful. I could see his energy increasing with each day and we had all gone bike riding together again on Tuesday, which is always a good sign. From the outside, I had learned that despite the downward dips, Andrew eventually floated to the surface again.
Nonetheless, Andrew was still in the depths. Andrew didn't feel human, he's been through so much suffering, so different than the strong, exceptionally capable man he was. Seeing people in public made Andrew feel so different than them, handicapped. Andrew hadn't consumed anything through his mouth in weeks. And he feared this was his life.
Yet. Last night, I felt hungry just as I was about to go to sleep, so I brought up a bowl of food to my room, thinking Andrew was still asleep, as he had retired a few hours earlier. When I arrived there, though, he was awake. I figured he wouldn't mind me eating, though, because he always sits with us during our meals anyway. I had a bowl of Indian food, Palak Paneer, which is basically a thick spinach sauce with tomatoes and spices. I had added too much water to the new brand of brown rice we had, so it was really soft. On top of the Palak Paneer, I had put yogurt to tone down the spicyness.
"That smells so good," Andrew said.
"Oh!" Whoops. "Wanna have some?" Why did I just say that?
"Fine...I'll just try some." I handed him my bowl. He took a spoonful, put it in his mouth, and made the motions of chewing, slowly. I had never seen him chew since before his surgery. He finished a spoonful.
Apparently, the sauce, over-soft rice, and yogurt was perfect for making it easy for him to eat.
I began to tear up.
"Is there more downstairs?" he asked.
"You can just have the rest!" I said.
He ate the whole bowlful. "Mmmm. That was so enjoyable," he said.
"Babe, you ate an entire bowl!" I said. I was tearing up more and truly was shocked.
He said, "It was really only five tablespoons."
Five heaping tablespoons. "You haven't eaten one teaspoon of anything at all in weeks. You're not even supposed to be able to eat at all through your mouth. And you're supposed to be worse off than ever right now."
"I didn't really eat it, I flushed it down with a lot of water. Course it was the most amount of food I've eaten in weeks," he said.
Exactly.
We prayed together to thank God for answering my prayer request that he would be able to eat a meal shockingly soon! Thank you for praying!
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints [believers] what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
- Ephesians 3:14-21
Worse than the exhaustion, though, was the area around his mouth. His voice each day has increasingly become more hoarse, making it harder and harder for him to talk. His saliva, thicker than any mucous, has been causing him to gag frequently and up until last Saturday was causing him to throw up. His skin has been peeling off his neck, yellow slime slicking around it. But his pain meds are so strong that there were times he would scratch himself and wouldn't realize he was making himself bleed.
At the same time, being on the outside, and not experiencing the physical suffering that he was, which I'm sure made the days seem excruciatingly long for him, I felt so hopeful. I could see his energy increasing with each day and we had all gone bike riding together again on Tuesday, which is always a good sign. From the outside, I had learned that despite the downward dips, Andrew eventually floated to the surface again.
Nonetheless, Andrew was still in the depths. Andrew didn't feel human, he's been through so much suffering, so different than the strong, exceptionally capable man he was. Seeing people in public made Andrew feel so different than them, handicapped. Andrew hadn't consumed anything through his mouth in weeks. And he feared this was his life.
Yet. Last night, I felt hungry just as I was about to go to sleep, so I brought up a bowl of food to my room, thinking Andrew was still asleep, as he had retired a few hours earlier. When I arrived there, though, he was awake. I figured he wouldn't mind me eating, though, because he always sits with us during our meals anyway. I had a bowl of Indian food, Palak Paneer, which is basically a thick spinach sauce with tomatoes and spices. I had added too much water to the new brand of brown rice we had, so it was really soft. On top of the Palak Paneer, I had put yogurt to tone down the spicyness.
"That smells so good," Andrew said.
"Oh!" Whoops. "Wanna have some?" Why did I just say that?
"Fine...I'll just try some." I handed him my bowl. He took a spoonful, put it in his mouth, and made the motions of chewing, slowly. I had never seen him chew since before his surgery. He finished a spoonful.
Apparently, the sauce, over-soft rice, and yogurt was perfect for making it easy for him to eat.
I began to tear up.
"Is there more downstairs?" he asked.
"You can just have the rest!" I said.
He ate the whole bowlful. "Mmmm. That was so enjoyable," he said.
"Babe, you ate an entire bowl!" I said. I was tearing up more and truly was shocked.
He said, "It was really only five tablespoons."
Five heaping tablespoons. "You haven't eaten one teaspoon of anything at all in weeks. You're not even supposed to be able to eat at all through your mouth. And you're supposed to be worse off than ever right now."
"I didn't really eat it, I flushed it down with a lot of water. Course it was the most amount of food I've eaten in weeks," he said.
Exactly.
We prayed together to thank God for answering my prayer request that he would be able to eat a meal shockingly soon! Thank you for praying!
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints [believers] what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
- Ephesians 3:14-21
Monday, June 23, 2008
The Aftermath
Andrew finished his last radiation last Thursday, and we are so grateful. They always say, though, that he's supposed to get worse until two weeks after the treatments end, which seems to be the case.
Please pray for Andrew as he is feeling terribly exhausted and has often felt nauseated. On Friday, he threw up his hospital formula.
Andrew always used to nap in the car on the way home from radiation and continue his nap in our backyard, so he could still get fresh air, whether he would have the strength to bike ride or walk later in the day or not. So today since Andrew was feeling so exhausted, instead of walking, I drove us all to the park, and Andrew took a nap on some grass in the shade, while the kids played in the lake and the playground. Now we are all going to my sister's so that while the kids nap there, Andrew can nap somewhere different or watch a movie there. Gotta go!
Please pray for Andrew as he is feeling terribly exhausted and has often felt nauseated. On Friday, he threw up his hospital formula.
Andrew always used to nap in the car on the way home from radiation and continue his nap in our backyard, so he could still get fresh air, whether he would have the strength to bike ride or walk later in the day or not. So today since Andrew was feeling so exhausted, instead of walking, I drove us all to the park, and Andrew took a nap on some grass in the shade, while the kids played in the lake and the playground. Now we are all going to my sister's so that while the kids nap there, Andrew can nap somewhere different or watch a movie there. Gotta go!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Bike Rides and Sorbet
GRACE WRITES:
Praise God that today (Tuesday) Andrew received his last chemo treatment! I feel so grateful to the Lord for getting us through the past 6.5 weeks. Only two more radiation treatments left! Praise the Lord!
I want to thank all of you for the comments you left. Andrew had not been keeping up with all the new ones for the past couple of weeks. Tonight, he read some of them. Afterwards, Andrew updated the group at our prayer-for-him at our house that he didn't realize how discouraged he had been feeling until he felt so encouraged by reading your comments tonight. He was deeply moved by the things you wrote, seeing how much God truly is at work.
So keep the comments coming!
I think, too, that many of you must have been praying for us after I wrote that update on "Five Weeks of Treatment Down." Because last week a lot of the things I had written that weren't going so great went well last week. For instance, Andrew didn't go through a Tuesday night dip into misery that normally lasts 3 or 4 days. He started feeling good on Sunday and it lasted until Saturday! As a result, he was able to go bike riding every day, which made him feel a lot better and also made his sleep much better. He said the biking relieved a lot of the soreness his muscles were feeling from sleeping so much, and it also stretched his neck because you have to look up when you're riding a bike. So even though he was up and about more, he felt like he was getting more rest than normal.
One day we went on a really long bike ride for a half hour (well, long relative to what Andrew can handle) together around one of the lakes near our house and then around the neighborhood. Later, I found out he would have gone faster [if not for me slowing him down=) (Hey, my default is to enjoy the scenery. It never occurs to me to be fast)]. Andrew had so much energy, he was talking so much, I can't even remember the last time he talked that much. Hearing from my Andrew made me feel like I had my old Andrew back.
When we were riding, he said, "Hey, let's take turns choosing which way to turn. Remember when we were dating and we were driving one night and we decided to take turns saying which way to turn?" We had had no destination that afternoon in California and figured our random turns would eventually take us somewhere fun. As we found ourselves at Dockweiler Beach, we decided our goal should be to make a bonfire without spending any money and without having to return home. So Andrew took me to a wood dumpster - which of course somehow he knew exactly where one was - outside a fenced building being constructed. Being that we were in Los Angeles and people are generally not outwardly rude, no one walking by made any indication of staring as we jumped in and out of a dumpster and loaded large slabs of wood into Andrew's car (It was very clean by the way. Only wood was in the dumpster).
Then Andrew took me to Seven Eleven to pick up some lighter fluid for $1 - okay we exceeded our zero budget - but it afforded us a free book of matches. Outside of Seven Eleven, Andrew grabbed a variety of free magazines to get the fire started. When we arrived at the beach, all the bonfire pits were taken, so we sat on the sand and watched an incredible sunset with pink and violet streaking the sky. Out of Andrew's mouth slipped that if someone asked him how things were going between us he would tell them how he had fallen madly in love. I didn't want him to tell me he loved me until he asked me to marry him, so I exclaimed, "What?" and he laughed, and said, "Oh just kidding."
Somehow me ruining the moment didn't ruin the moment at all. I think the New Jersey culture in us made us able to say really blunt or abrasive things or back and forth make fun of each other and it was all laugh-out-loud hilarious to us.
A few mintues later, a family finished their bonfire and waved us over to offer us their pit. That was so nice of them. And for $1 Andrew made us a giant bonfire.
Biking through our neighborhood of Eden Prairie also made me think about why we hadn't ridden bikes together in years. The last time had been a few days after I found out I was pregnant with A.J., and I was having a miserable first trimester. While we were biking, I had said, "I don't like bike riding. I don't want to do this anymore," which actually was news to me as it came out of my mouth.
And Andrew had said, "No, it's just because you're pregnant...And you're going uphill...And your tire is flat."
Yeah for some reason reason I rode my bike even though we both knew there was a hole in my tire.
When we returned home from biking last week, after dinner, Andrew said he felt like eating something soft like yogurt, but not yogurt. We just got this special juicer where on a certain setting if you put frozen blueberries in it, it comes out as sorbet. So I made some for Andrew and everyone, and not only was Andrew able to eat the whole bowlful, he said, "Mmmmm. That was so satisfying."
I was so excited and happy and praising God. Just that afternoon after a difficult attempt to eat an avocado, he had been feeling discouraged that he would never be able to enjoy food again, and yet here was a glimpse of hope.
In addition to biking together last week, feeling like I had access to my Andrew again, and him enjoying blueberry sorbet, Andrew never threw up those several days. Doesn't it sound like these surprises are the fruit of your prayers for us?
After last year's cancer, my aunt introduced me to a lot of books on nutrition. I skimmed them with a lot of skepticism. Then, Andrew's co-worker, who had oral cancer 25 years ago, told us about The China Study by Cornell professor and leading nutritional giant, Colin T. Campbell. This co-worker was diagnosed with radiation-induced cancer in his mouth shortly after Andrew completed his treatments last year, but this man's tumors began healing themselves simply by changing his diet a few months ago. No other types of treatment. Our ears were perked. This was no infomercial. This was someone Andrew actually knew in real life and accomplished what he claimed. And it was the type of cancer directly related to what Andrew was going through. So we read The China Study and it was an epiphany for the both of us. It was the scientific evidence I needed and became the framework through which I filtered all the books I read about nutrition. I read this book only weeks before Andrew's diagnosis.
And so, I went back to the books my aunt had given me and read them more carefully. My aunt has been really into nutrition for years and since her husband is a doctor, she also reads his medical journals. As a result of all I read, after Andrew returned home from the hospital in April, we started him on an intensive nutritional diet, including about 8 cups of fresh carrot juice with beat, ginger, garlic, leafy greens, etc. each day and homemade formula made from real, healthy foods that included the calories, fats, proteins, and fiber he needs. I love juicing for Andrew, feeling like every cupful is like what I thought medicine was as a child, rather than masking symptoms, it truly heals his body. Often, when I'm juicing I find my heart exulting in worship of God, who does all things excellently and mercifully created food that is so healing and nourishing to our bodies.
My hope is not in nutrition, just as it is not in doctors. My hope is in God and God alone. But I believe God usually works through means nowadays. When someone drives to work, God provided the means for him to get there - a car, a ride, etc. But it was the Lord who provided that car and it was the Lord who made the car work, and it was the Lord who got him safely to work. In the same way, I believe that if God provides the means, a doctor, nutrition, etc. to heal a person, it's because God has provided those means. Sometimes those means work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes God makes something not work when it should have, and sometimes God makes it work better than it should have. Sometimes He just plain miraculously does something that no one can explain. Either way, it's because God made it do what He chose to do. Either way praise God because He is sovereign and has dominion over all things and all things are from His hand.
I always run the nutritional things I'm doing by our radiation doctors. They have actually been very supportive and have encouraged us to continue to do it, saying it's supported by studies. Nonetheless, when Andrew and I committed to radiation and chemo, we agreed that to make it through, if Andrew couldn't tolerate the natural stuff I made for him anymore, he would have to resort to the hospital formula.
As the chemo further depleted him and things like his hematocrit would go down making him anemic, I would do things like add lots of spinach to his juices to compensate, and things like that were really working. But as he got sicker and sicker, more and more formula started to replace his normal foods. By week 5 of treatment, it got to the point where sometimes he even threw up the hospital formula.
I began feeling nervous about increasingly not being able to give Andrew fresh juices and homemade formula. I was concerned that as he got more and more nauseated, and thus had less and less of the nutrition I wanted to give him, he would continue in a downward spiral of sickness and worse and worse health.
Well, since he didn't feel nauseated last week, he was able to tolerate tons of juice, as well as the homemade formula. I made the juice much simpler than before and only put carrot juice with broccoli or celery. He said the fresh carrot juice soothed his stomach and gave him loads of energy, which then allowed him to exercise a lot. (Carrot juice gives you lots of energy, except unlike the lattes I so enjoy, it's extremely good for you and healing, even essential). So instead of a downward spiral, he went in an upward spiral of improvement. In fact, his lab results from yesterday show that for the first time since he started his treatments, he is not anemic, despite how after 7 weeks of treatment, he is supposed to be worse off than ever.
I went back today and looked at Andrew's lab results from last year, before we had read any of the books I had mentioned, and in August, two months after he had finished his course of treatments, he was still very anemic, more anemic than he had ever been this round of treatments.
Andrew for some reason felt nauseated this weekend. So this week I would really like to pray that the Lord would spare Andrew from nausea and that he would be able to get all the nourishment he needs.
I also really want to pray that he would be able to eat a full meal through his mouth shockingly soon.
Thanks so much for your encouragement and prayers. I don't think you all know just how much you help us through both of them.
Please continue to pray for our PLEES!
Praise God that today (Tuesday) Andrew received his last chemo treatment! I feel so grateful to the Lord for getting us through the past 6.5 weeks. Only two more radiation treatments left! Praise the Lord!
I want to thank all of you for the comments you left. Andrew had not been keeping up with all the new ones for the past couple of weeks. Tonight, he read some of them. Afterwards, Andrew updated the group at our prayer-for-him at our house that he didn't realize how discouraged he had been feeling until he felt so encouraged by reading your comments tonight. He was deeply moved by the things you wrote, seeing how much God truly is at work.
So keep the comments coming!
I think, too, that many of you must have been praying for us after I wrote that update on "Five Weeks of Treatment Down." Because last week a lot of the things I had written that weren't going so great went well last week. For instance, Andrew didn't go through a Tuesday night dip into misery that normally lasts 3 or 4 days. He started feeling good on Sunday and it lasted until Saturday! As a result, he was able to go bike riding every day, which made him feel a lot better and also made his sleep much better. He said the biking relieved a lot of the soreness his muscles were feeling from sleeping so much, and it also stretched his neck because you have to look up when you're riding a bike. So even though he was up and about more, he felt like he was getting more rest than normal.
One day we went on a really long bike ride for a half hour (well, long relative to what Andrew can handle) together around one of the lakes near our house and then around the neighborhood. Later, I found out he would have gone faster [if not for me slowing him down=) (Hey, my default is to enjoy the scenery. It never occurs to me to be fast)]. Andrew had so much energy, he was talking so much, I can't even remember the last time he talked that much. Hearing from my Andrew made me feel like I had my old Andrew back.
When we were riding, he said, "Hey, let's take turns choosing which way to turn. Remember when we were dating and we were driving one night and we decided to take turns saying which way to turn?" We had had no destination that afternoon in California and figured our random turns would eventually take us somewhere fun. As we found ourselves at Dockweiler Beach, we decided our goal should be to make a bonfire without spending any money and without having to return home. So Andrew took me to a wood dumpster - which of course somehow he knew exactly where one was - outside a fenced building being constructed. Being that we were in Los Angeles and people are generally not outwardly rude, no one walking by made any indication of staring as we jumped in and out of a dumpster and loaded large slabs of wood into Andrew's car (It was very clean by the way. Only wood was in the dumpster).
Then Andrew took me to Seven Eleven to pick up some lighter fluid for $1 - okay we exceeded our zero budget - but it afforded us a free book of matches. Outside of Seven Eleven, Andrew grabbed a variety of free magazines to get the fire started. When we arrived at the beach, all the bonfire pits were taken, so we sat on the sand and watched an incredible sunset with pink and violet streaking the sky. Out of Andrew's mouth slipped that if someone asked him how things were going between us he would tell them how he had fallen madly in love. I didn't want him to tell me he loved me until he asked me to marry him, so I exclaimed, "What?" and he laughed, and said, "Oh just kidding."
Somehow me ruining the moment didn't ruin the moment at all. I think the New Jersey culture in us made us able to say really blunt or abrasive things or back and forth make fun of each other and it was all laugh-out-loud hilarious to us.
A few mintues later, a family finished their bonfire and waved us over to offer us their pit. That was so nice of them. And for $1 Andrew made us a giant bonfire.
Biking through our neighborhood of Eden Prairie also made me think about why we hadn't ridden bikes together in years. The last time had been a few days after I found out I was pregnant with A.J., and I was having a miserable first trimester. While we were biking, I had said, "I don't like bike riding. I don't want to do this anymore," which actually was news to me as it came out of my mouth.
And Andrew had said, "No, it's just because you're pregnant...And you're going uphill...And your tire is flat."
Yeah for some reason reason I rode my bike even though we both knew there was a hole in my tire.
When we returned home from biking last week, after dinner, Andrew said he felt like eating something soft like yogurt, but not yogurt. We just got this special juicer where on a certain setting if you put frozen blueberries in it, it comes out as sorbet. So I made some for Andrew and everyone, and not only was Andrew able to eat the whole bowlful, he said, "Mmmmm. That was so satisfying."
I was so excited and happy and praising God. Just that afternoon after a difficult attempt to eat an avocado, he had been feeling discouraged that he would never be able to enjoy food again, and yet here was a glimpse of hope.
In addition to biking together last week, feeling like I had access to my Andrew again, and him enjoying blueberry sorbet, Andrew never threw up those several days. Doesn't it sound like these surprises are the fruit of your prayers for us?
After last year's cancer, my aunt introduced me to a lot of books on nutrition. I skimmed them with a lot of skepticism. Then, Andrew's co-worker, who had oral cancer 25 years ago, told us about The China Study by Cornell professor and leading nutritional giant, Colin T. Campbell. This co-worker was diagnosed with radiation-induced cancer in his mouth shortly after Andrew completed his treatments last year, but this man's tumors began healing themselves simply by changing his diet a few months ago. No other types of treatment. Our ears were perked. This was no infomercial. This was someone Andrew actually knew in real life and accomplished what he claimed. And it was the type of cancer directly related to what Andrew was going through. So we read The China Study and it was an epiphany for the both of us. It was the scientific evidence I needed and became the framework through which I filtered all the books I read about nutrition. I read this book only weeks before Andrew's diagnosis.
And so, I went back to the books my aunt had given me and read them more carefully. My aunt has been really into nutrition for years and since her husband is a doctor, she also reads his medical journals. As a result of all I read, after Andrew returned home from the hospital in April, we started him on an intensive nutritional diet, including about 8 cups of fresh carrot juice with beat, ginger, garlic, leafy greens, etc. each day and homemade formula made from real, healthy foods that included the calories, fats, proteins, and fiber he needs. I love juicing for Andrew, feeling like every cupful is like what I thought medicine was as a child, rather than masking symptoms, it truly heals his body. Often, when I'm juicing I find my heart exulting in worship of God, who does all things excellently and mercifully created food that is so healing and nourishing to our bodies.
My hope is not in nutrition, just as it is not in doctors. My hope is in God and God alone. But I believe God usually works through means nowadays. When someone drives to work, God provided the means for him to get there - a car, a ride, etc. But it was the Lord who provided that car and it was the Lord who made the car work, and it was the Lord who got him safely to work. In the same way, I believe that if God provides the means, a doctor, nutrition, etc. to heal a person, it's because God has provided those means. Sometimes those means work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes God makes something not work when it should have, and sometimes God makes it work better than it should have. Sometimes He just plain miraculously does something that no one can explain. Either way, it's because God made it do what He chose to do. Either way praise God because He is sovereign and has dominion over all things and all things are from His hand.
I always run the nutritional things I'm doing by our radiation doctors. They have actually been very supportive and have encouraged us to continue to do it, saying it's supported by studies. Nonetheless, when Andrew and I committed to radiation and chemo, we agreed that to make it through, if Andrew couldn't tolerate the natural stuff I made for him anymore, he would have to resort to the hospital formula.
As the chemo further depleted him and things like his hematocrit would go down making him anemic, I would do things like add lots of spinach to his juices to compensate, and things like that were really working. But as he got sicker and sicker, more and more formula started to replace his normal foods. By week 5 of treatment, it got to the point where sometimes he even threw up the hospital formula.
I began feeling nervous about increasingly not being able to give Andrew fresh juices and homemade formula. I was concerned that as he got more and more nauseated, and thus had less and less of the nutrition I wanted to give him, he would continue in a downward spiral of sickness and worse and worse health.
Well, since he didn't feel nauseated last week, he was able to tolerate tons of juice, as well as the homemade formula. I made the juice much simpler than before and only put carrot juice with broccoli or celery. He said the fresh carrot juice soothed his stomach and gave him loads of energy, which then allowed him to exercise a lot. (Carrot juice gives you lots of energy, except unlike the lattes I so enjoy, it's extremely good for you and healing, even essential). So instead of a downward spiral, he went in an upward spiral of improvement. In fact, his lab results from yesterday show that for the first time since he started his treatments, he is not anemic, despite how after 7 weeks of treatment, he is supposed to be worse off than ever.
I went back today and looked at Andrew's lab results from last year, before we had read any of the books I had mentioned, and in August, two months after he had finished his course of treatments, he was still very anemic, more anemic than he had ever been this round of treatments.
Andrew for some reason felt nauseated this weekend. So this week I would really like to pray that the Lord would spare Andrew from nausea and that he would be able to get all the nourishment he needs.
I also really want to pray that he would be able to eat a full meal through his mouth shockingly soon.
Thanks so much for your encouragement and prayers. I don't think you all know just how much you help us through both of them.
Please continue to pray for our PLEES!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
My Nephew, Isaac
GRACE WRITES:
Hi everyone, some of you may be wondering how my new nephew, Isaac, is doing. Here is an update from my brother-in-law that he wrote a few weeks ago:
Dear brothers and sisters,
Thank you so much for your outpouring of affection and concern for Gayle and Isaac. It is an encouragement to me beyond words that our church family would love us so much, and in such concrete ways. I thank you on behalf of all the Glennians!
Isaac Romeo Glenn was born at 2.0 lbs., 14.2 in., 14 weeks prematurely. He is therefore held up in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis. Depending on his course, he will be there till his due date (August 28). He cannot receive visitors, unless they are accompanied by Gayle or me. And even then, they are only permitted to see him for ten minutes between 9 am and 9 pm. Children are never permitted in the NICU, except for the siblings of the child. However, because there is a case of RSV in the hospital, not even our kids can see him right now. So although I’m sure you’d like to stop by to see how he’s doing, right now visiting him is a practical impossibility. In addition, we would ask that you not ask to visit him with us, as his condition is such that he needs all his energy for his continued development. We’ll certainly let you know when this changes...
Now to Isaac:
Two words have been used to describe him: “feisty” and “superstar.” He’s feisty because when he’s awake he’s flailing all over the place and because when he’s asleep he gets very irritated with anyone who wakes him! Gayle says this reminds her of someone. I’m not sure who.
He’s been called a superstar because of how well he is doing despite the precarious nature of the situation in which he finds himself. For example, in order to rule out an infection in his spinal fluid, he had to undergo a spinal tap yesterday morning. The procedure alone typically puts a good deal of stress on the baby, but Isaac lay on his side while he sucked a pacifier, and did extremely well. Our nurse said that he amazed everyone. We know this is the fruit of your prayers.
Currently, we’re awaiting results from a head ultrasound that will determine if he has any “bleeders” in his brain. Babies born 22-24 weeks are at the greatest risk for this complication, so Isaac is not in the worst position; however, he is still at risk. I asked the doctor what the medical course would be if Isaac were to have a bleeder: “Do you perform surgery?” “No, there’s nothing we can do. If he does have a bleeder, and if it’s small enough, his body may be able to reabsorb the blood. But if the bleeder is too large…” I interrupted, “It can be fatal?” “Yes, it can be fatal.” So please pray that Isaac’s head ultrasound would be clear.
Children at this age are also at risk for eye problems, as their retinas are not fully developed. An ophthalmologist will see Isaac toward the middle of next week to measure his progress. Pray that he would have no complications with his vision.
Finally, although there is a very high survival rate for babies born at 26 weeks, we cannot put our hope in all the wonderful medical ingenuity that God has given us by his providence. Although I am extremely thankful for the practices of neonatology and perinatology, our hope is in the Lord, and the Lord alone. Isaac is God’s, and He will have His way with him. Pray that we would continue to believe that God’s way is the best, most loving way in the universe.
We love you all, and thank you so much for your kindness and prayers.
Blessings, Pastor Bob
Zeph 3:17
As of today, June 15th, most of the above concerns are either resolved or are on it's way to being resolved. Isaac's tests and scans have come back without any problems. Nonetheless, Isaac is still just under 30 weeks old (if he were still in the womb). He is still developing, including his lungs, and still has lots of weight to gain. Next week, he will be moved out of NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) and will be moved to a closer hospital, which he will remain in until his due date at 40 weeks. Sometimes he has sleep apnea, which is normal for his age, since his lungs are still developing, and they have to tap him on the back and remind him to breathe. Please continue to pray for Isaac's development and that he would be a thriving baby.
It's funny that my sister is going through such similar things as I am with Andrew. Blood transfusions (the baby loses a lot of blood from being pricked and checked so much, and Andrew received blood transfusions every day while he was in ICU), spending so much of her day making food for the baby (she has to pump milk every two hours, while I spend hours juicing and making Andrew's homemade formula - neither of them eat solid food), daily visits to the hospital, awaiting test results that could indicate life or death, and the list goes on. The Glenns are doing well, though, and as usual their spirits are up, they always make us laugh, and their family has a cheering effect on everyone they encounter.
Hi everyone, some of you may be wondering how my new nephew, Isaac, is doing. Here is an update from my brother-in-law that he wrote a few weeks ago:
Dear brothers and sisters,
Thank you so much for your outpouring of affection and concern for Gayle and Isaac. It is an encouragement to me beyond words that our church family would love us so much, and in such concrete ways. I thank you on behalf of all the Glennians!
Isaac Romeo Glenn was born at 2.0 lbs., 14.2 in., 14 weeks prematurely. He is therefore held up in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis. Depending on his course, he will be there till his due date (August 28). He cannot receive visitors, unless they are accompanied by Gayle or me. And even then, they are only permitted to see him for ten minutes between 9 am and 9 pm. Children are never permitted in the NICU, except for the siblings of the child. However, because there is a case of RSV in the hospital, not even our kids can see him right now. So although I’m sure you’d like to stop by to see how he’s doing, right now visiting him is a practical impossibility. In addition, we would ask that you not ask to visit him with us, as his condition is such that he needs all his energy for his continued development. We’ll certainly let you know when this changes...
Now to Isaac:
Two words have been used to describe him: “feisty” and “superstar.” He’s feisty because when he’s awake he’s flailing all over the place and because when he’s asleep he gets very irritated with anyone who wakes him! Gayle says this reminds her of someone. I’m not sure who.
He’s been called a superstar because of how well he is doing despite the precarious nature of the situation in which he finds himself. For example, in order to rule out an infection in his spinal fluid, he had to undergo a spinal tap yesterday morning. The procedure alone typically puts a good deal of stress on the baby, but Isaac lay on his side while he sucked a pacifier, and did extremely well. Our nurse said that he amazed everyone. We know this is the fruit of your prayers.
Currently, we’re awaiting results from a head ultrasound that will determine if he has any “bleeders” in his brain. Babies born 22-24 weeks are at the greatest risk for this complication, so Isaac is not in the worst position; however, he is still at risk. I asked the doctor what the medical course would be if Isaac were to have a bleeder: “Do you perform surgery?” “No, there’s nothing we can do. If he does have a bleeder, and if it’s small enough, his body may be able to reabsorb the blood. But if the bleeder is too large…” I interrupted, “It can be fatal?” “Yes, it can be fatal.” So please pray that Isaac’s head ultrasound would be clear.
Children at this age are also at risk for eye problems, as their retinas are not fully developed. An ophthalmologist will see Isaac toward the middle of next week to measure his progress. Pray that he would have no complications with his vision.
Finally, although there is a very high survival rate for babies born at 26 weeks, we cannot put our hope in all the wonderful medical ingenuity that God has given us by his providence. Although I am extremely thankful for the practices of neonatology and perinatology, our hope is in the Lord, and the Lord alone. Isaac is God’s, and He will have His way with him. Pray that we would continue to believe that God’s way is the best, most loving way in the universe.
We love you all, and thank you so much for your kindness and prayers.
Blessings, Pastor Bob
Zeph 3:17
As of today, June 15th, most of the above concerns are either resolved or are on it's way to being resolved. Isaac's tests and scans have come back without any problems. Nonetheless, Isaac is still just under 30 weeks old (if he were still in the womb). He is still developing, including his lungs, and still has lots of weight to gain. Next week, he will be moved out of NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) and will be moved to a closer hospital, which he will remain in until his due date at 40 weeks. Sometimes he has sleep apnea, which is normal for his age, since his lungs are still developing, and they have to tap him on the back and remind him to breathe. Please continue to pray for Isaac's development and that he would be a thriving baby.
It's funny that my sister is going through such similar things as I am with Andrew. Blood transfusions (the baby loses a lot of blood from being pricked and checked so much, and Andrew received blood transfusions every day while he was in ICU), spending so much of her day making food for the baby (she has to pump milk every two hours, while I spend hours juicing and making Andrew's homemade formula - neither of them eat solid food), daily visits to the hospital, awaiting test results that could indicate life or death, and the list goes on. The Glenns are doing well, though, and as usual their spirits are up, they always make us laugh, and their family has a cheering effect on everyone they encounter.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Five Weeks of Treatment Down
GRACE WRITES:
Prior to Andrew's radiation and chemo treatments, he had a full body PET scan. Despite Dr. Yueh expecting the cancer to have spread, we are so grateful that cancer did not show up in any other parts of Andrew's body. As I read each page of the PET scan report, my heart felt full, overflowing with worship and praise towards God, who so clearly is the One who holds all things in His hands.
As you have probably gathered, Andrew decided he wanted to go through with radiation and chemo, despite the misery and toxicity it would cause him. He would have to do radiation for six weeks and chemo - Cetuximab (also called Erbitux) and Taxotere. The radiation is from Monday through Friday and takes about a half hour. It is increasingly like having a horrendous sunburn that blisters and bleeds constantly. Chemo takes a few hours through IV, every Monday.
Week 1 of Treatment
The first week we went back and forth whether it was worth it to continue. We wanted to speak with our radiation doctor, but she had been on vacation for the past few weeks. Another radiation doctor met with us and showed us a study that, according to her, showed that some people who did a second course of radiation with oral cancer managed to survive after 5 years (5 years of survival is considered cure). However, it was only 9% who were still living. Andrew wanted to know if 9% would have still been living if they had done nothing anyway. Obviously they had no studies to give us on that. We felt really reluctant that the benefits of this treatment were really worth the misery Andrew was going to have to undergo. Nonetheless, our resident, Dr. McAfee, convinced us to wait until our doctor, Dr. Lee, returned from her vacation in Italy.
Week 2 of Treatment
On Thursday, Dr. Lee met with us. She said that according to her experience, based on the way in which the cancer had travelled down Andrew's throat coupled with the new information that there was no evidence that the cancer had spread anywhere else in Andrew's body, she believed that the cancer returned so quickly (quick means within a year of last year's treatment) not because the cancer was so aggressive or because Andrew is radiation-resistant, but because there was probably still tumor left behind after Andrew's first surgery last year in Seattle. Andrew had not had a PET scan after surgery last year, because they try to minimize PET scans to every 6 months and Andrew had just had one prior to surgery. Plus, a PET scan usually only picks up tumors larger than a centimeter, so our Seattle doctor last year had assumed it wouldn't pick up anything anyway.
If there was still tumor left behind in 2007, radiation and chemo couldn't have gotten get rid of an actual tumor in this region of the body. It can only get rid of microscopic cancer, which they know to be the case this year.
In English, this means that if it is true that our Seattle doctor had unsuccessfully removed the tumor last year, Andrew's prognosis is not as hopeless. This means that the cancer is not as aggressive as initially thought and not radiation-resistant. Andrew has a 60% chance of getting local control over the cancer. Of course, there is no way to verify if this is the case.
The reason Dr. Lee's hypothesis doesn't sound crazy or unlikely to us is because Andrew had said the very same thing to me a few months ago. He had said, "Grace, I just have this feeling that the doctor super screwed up last year. I've always had this feeling that there was still a tumor at the base of my tongue." Nobody had considered this before because our doctor was supposed to be one of the top 3 surgeons for this in the world. But when I had recently described to Dr. Yueh how the 2007 Seattle surgery involved cutting the tumor out, then another cut, and then a third cut to get a clean margin of no cancerous cells, he blurted, "Then I would say that was a really bad surgery." Then he caught himself and said, "But every surgeon has a bad surgery like that, even the best."
Dr. Lee explained to us that the reason you have to get a clean margin around a tumor the first cut, especially in the tongue, is because the natural reflex of a muscle when it is cut is to immediately retract. Thus, if there was still cancerous tumor left in the tongue, the muscle fibers can retract so deeply into the tongue that the doctor would have had to cut much much more than he should have had he gotten it out the first cut, and then there was no telling how much to cut. It's such a difficult judgment call in the mouth, because even millimeters are high real estate, so the doctor is trying to balance doing as little damage as possible with making sure to get a clean cut around the tumor.
If it is true that the 2007 surgery in Seattle was a complete blunder, we do not feel angry towards our doctor. We know that the Lord had the surgeon's hands in His own Hands that day. It only proves that we can't place our hope in doctors, no matter how great he may be, but God alone. The life of a man is in God's hands, and nothing can thwart His sovereign will. Nothing can mess up where one molecule should be for one millisecond in all of God's creation.
Dr. Lee said that we need to get local control of the cancer, because you don't want to die of oral cancer. It's very awful. Aside from not being able to swallow or talk, it can make breathing very difficult. She said even if it spreads somewhere else, you don't want it to be oral cancer that kills you. Andrew said, "So it would be better to die of liver cancer than oral cancer?"
"Yes," she said. But then she explained that we should not worry that only 9% were living after five years, because they might have died due to cancer in other parts of their body. And those people are usually much older and in general bad health. If we get local control, she said, and there's no evidence that the cancer has spread, then maybe it won't spread somewhere else and we can cure you."
So Dr. Lee had convinced us to stick with radiation. She told us we were thinking too much. She said Andrew should just watch funny cartoons with our kids, as studies show a positive attitude tends to increase the rate of success for the treatments and that we should continue giving him good nutrition, as studies also support its effectiveness. I said what we needed was a trip to Italy.
They also pointed out the acne breaking out on Andrew's face was a sign that the Erbitux was working.
The Thursday we decided to fully commit to these treatments was two days after my end of the rope day that I wrote about. I told Andrew I felt like I really needed a vacation. So I asked him if we could go away over the weekend. He said he didn't want to go far and for only one night, otherwise it's more work than restful. So we went to the newly renovated Hyatt Place in Eden Prairie, the town we live in. We left our house on Friday afternoon with Andrew saying he was feeling well. But when we arrived at Costco to look for a funny DVD series to buy with a gift card some people sent us, Andrew said, "I suddenly feel so tired," just before we left the car. I told him I could go in by myself. He said he really wanted to choose, too, though. So he walked with me into Costco and we sat him down in one of their wheel chairs.
Now, before Andrew had his stomach tube inserted, he used to have a feeding tube that went in through his nose. There was this one day between doctor consultations that we walked down the street outside of the hospital at the University of Minnesota. When Andrew wasn't injecting food into his nose tube, he would wrap it over the top of his ear, and tape it there, like the nurse had taught him, so it hung from his nose to his ear, and wasn't falling down out of his nose to eventually pull out. All the college students kept turning their head to stare at him. Andrew also had a grey hood on on a sunny day, trying to keep shaded, because otherwise the sun prevents a healing scar from disappearing. He was bowing his head forward, because his neck muscles were tight from always having to sleep sitting up in the hospital so that his incisions could heal.
Not one person who passed us pretended not to stare. Neither of us really cared. I actually found it really interesting and began watching them. When I tired of flipping my head as I watched each of them pass, I turned my head towards the windows of the shops. There, I saw the reflection of their turning heads, and past that, the turning, staring heads of the people sitting at the tables next to the window inside the restaurants. I thought Andrew looked practically normal, especially compared to how he looked in the hospital. I laughed. "We should put a chain next to your nose tube and hang earings off of it. Then they'll think it's on purpose."
But as I pushed Andrew in his wheelchair in Costco, even though no one was turning their heads - I guess they knew better than to stare at a person in a wheel chair - I felt bothered. I thought, This isn't cool. "I am going to do everything I possibly can to keep you from ever getting to the point where you will truly need this," I thought out loud.
"I don't want to talk about that right now," Andrew said.
"Oh sorry."
When we arrived at the lobby of the Hyatt, the style was very contemporary, which we love, and it was different than your typical hotel. The check-in counter is in the middle of the room and is shaped like a crescent. On the other side of the desk is a Starbucks coffee bar. So the person who checks you in can also serve you drinks and food. The rest of the lobby has tables, chairs, and couches set up like a giant coffee shop that people like to hang out at.
Upstairs, our room had it's own living room. We vegged on the couch and put in the first season of Saturday Night Live from the 1970s that we had purchased. Within a half-hour of watching that, Andrew fell asleep. He was passed out through all Saturday Night Live plus all of the movie we rented. He slept through all my trips out of the room, including when I went back home to spend a few minutes with my mom before she returned to New Jersey the next morning. He slept through me going down to breakfast the next day. I packed our things up and Andrew finally began to revive. "Wow, I really like this place," Andrew said. "We should come here every week."
Even though Andrew probably only saw the Hyatt when he blinked a couple of times, I think the change of scenery did us both a ton of good. Andrew doesn't get out much. Getting out of the house is going to the hospital for treatment. If he starts to feel better, we go to the park near our house. We're the type that like to go out a lot and in the past that was often to restaurants. Now, restaurants with all its yummy smells of food and crowds of people enjoying chewing what's in their perfect mouths is a place of torture for Andrew. Most of the time in our house, he spends sleeping or dozing in our bedroom. He doesn't like to rest in the living room, because he doesn't like to be in the center of things or the noise of the children. Imagine spending hundreds, more than a thousand, of hours only in your bedroom. It would become the stale cancer bedroom.
"Going to a hotel will give us something to look forward to each week," Andrew said.
I felt so relaxed after vegging at the Hyatt, sleeping in, and not having to wake up with anything to do.
Since the Hyatt is in Eden Prairie, it was so cheap, half of what it would cost 20 minutes away in Minneapolis. Plus, if you sign up for their Rewards, you get your third visit free. That means between the two of us, we get two free visits.
Since Andrew was passed out all of Friday and Saturday, I assumed it was because of the chemo. I thought, How can it be this bad after only two weeks? Andrew didn't sleep this much until the last dose of chemo last year. How will we manage if it's only going to get worse than this? How can it possibly get worse? But the next morning, Sunday, when Andrew woke up, he said, "I'm feeling better now. Let's go to church."
He later explained to me that it wasn't because of the chemo that he was so tired. It was because he was fighting off a cold. So by Monday, he was healed and okay to do chemo again. This is a huge praise that he healed so quickly, because usually doctors are afraid with a compromised immune system that it will turn into pneumonia. Last year, when Andrew got a cold, chemo was postponed a week. Instead, this year, Andrew recovered more quickly than a normal person without cancer.
Each week we go to the Hyatt Place, I feel a little more rehabilitated after the stress of Andrew's surgery and the subsequent weeks. But with each week that I feel more and more human, Andrew feels less and less human. While he gets more miserable, I must feel better, lest I end up collapsing on the bed beside him and he starts asking me how he can help me.
Week 3 of Treatment
This week was a week from heaven for me. We no longer had to consult with doctors about decisions, so now my mother-in-law was taking Andrew to radiation, so I could be with the kids. It had been two months that I had been away from them most of every day between being at the hospital and all our doctor consultations.
I was home with the kids now and the sun was calling us outside. And I can never resist its call. The leaves had finally blossomed on the trees and the path to the park had become woods that could have been miles thick, it was so full. The trail leads to a pond and we watched a family of 6 turtles sunning on a log. When we took a step off the path onto the grass, each of the turtles plopped into the water, except for the two largest ones. I said they were the grandma and grandpa and knew better that People never go into the pond and won't hurt them. The turtles kept clicking and clicking. We said it was the little ones saying, "Come on Grandma! Come on Grandpa! Before the People get you." But as we passed, Grandma and Grandpa Turtle said, "You see. I told you. We've been here years. We know. The People won't bother us. Plus my limbs are aching too much to keep jumping in and out of the water."
Now that the grass was growing and everything was flowering, often we never made it past the pond and the trail that leads to the playground, because we got too caught up picking dandelions and watching the different birds that we had never seen in the previous states we had lived in. There was a small black bird with fire engine, red shoulders. There were birds that were so little and moved so quickly on the ground, I almost wondered if I was seeing baby chipmunks. And then it flew off. We even saw a big...well, I don't know what it was...it was brown and big like a porcupine but without the sharp pines, and it hung off a tree with it's tail trying to get at something.
Week 4 of Treatment
Each week is a rollercoaster. The first two weeks, Andrew was pretty miserable. Then, by the third week, it was as if his body got used to the chemo and tolerated it better. The pattern became that he was administered chemo on Monday, it kicked in Tuesday night, he slept constantly from then until Friday. Then Friday or Saturday morning, he'd suddenly arrive in the kitchen, feed himself, and say, "I'm feeling better. I think I'll get some exercise and go for a bike ride." I stand there gaping and praising God, surprised that each week a day like that still arrives.
It has continued like this with each week getting worse, the length of his bad days increasing, and his good days being less energetic than the previous week. On the bad days, I continually go back and forth between Andrew and the kids. I often have to drop the kids mid-sentence on grandma if Andrew suddenly needs me.
During the kids' naps, when I normally might get a little break and catch up on other things, instead it's my opportunity to return again to Andrew. There was one day last week where from the moment we woke up until 11:30 at night, I literally did not have one second by myself. When I was putting the kids to bed, I was like, "A.J., I don't know, you'll have to figure out how to get your sleeper on yourself. I'm just so exhausted." After I finally put the kids to bed, I went to my room to collapse on my own bed early. But then I realized, it was time to feed Andrew again. I must say, though, that God's grace has been sufficent. The Lord provided a second wind. When I finished injecting his anti-nausea drugs and then afterwards his meal, I then sat with him the next 45 minutes as he vomitted his anti-nausea meds and food.
Week 5 of Treatment
Andrew had began throwing up a few times on his worst days around week 4. In Week 5 the throwing up increased, despite that he is on three anti-nausea drugs now, while he had started out only on one, Zofran. His saliva from day one has gotten thicker and thicker and more viscous, so that he is constantly spitting, unable to swallow his own saliva. And now the spit is bloody from all the burns the radiation is causing in his mouth.
He often wakes up throughout the night, and I often wake up with him. Many nights this week one or the other of us has been unable to return to sleep for a few hours.
On Monday, before the chemotherapy misery had kicked in again and I was walking with Andrew and the kids, a neighbor down the street introduced herself to me. She said, "I always see lots of cars outside your house."
Andrew was standing beside me. Man, all of you who know him, if you saw him now, would think he looks awful. Last year cancer was a trip to the park compared to this year. He's boney, has acne, his neck still tight so that his head bows and his shoulders raised, his face redish tan, and he's always hacking spit into paper cups he carries around with him.
I wonder if he looks older. When Andrew first changed out of his hospital gown into a t-shirt at the end of his hospital stay in April, the nurse said, "There you go. Takes 10 years off just by changing your clothes." It didn't occur to me that it was possible for him to look outside of his twenties.
I wonder what he looks like to strangers who have no memory of how handsome he is, and if he just looks like a tan, skinny guy with bad posture. They are probably confused, and wonder if that's a tired, in-pain look that might be evidence that something is strange. I replied to our neighbor, "My husband is going through cancer treatments right now. So people from our church are always coming over to help us out."
For one thing, every Tuesday evening our living room fills with people who come to pray for Andrew. And then there's the team of four who clean our house every other week. And then there are the times our small group met at our house so that we didn't have to go to them. Also, every Monday night people from Motorola visit Andrew. They all live in Eden Prairie, because up until last summer their office had been located in town. Andrew hadn't even transferred from the Seattle project yet (he had been working on it remotely from here) to the Minnesota group, so he had hardly spent time with them before this happened, yet they are still so kind to care. Andrew loves that they visit him. So there's probably one to three times a week it looks like we're having a party at our house.
Plus, they must wonder why the Grout Doctor van always shows up whenever our lawn is being mowed (Allen mows our lawn and he's the Grout Doctor). And if Andrew doesn't feel well enough to make it to prayer meeting at church on Wednesday nights, guys come to our house to pray with him. And then there are people that sign up for his visitation slots to encourage him.
I am really grateful for all the people that visit Andrew and try to encourage him. Splitting my brain between caring for Andrew and taking care of two toddlers who were starved of my attention for two months and still are starved of their father, I usually don't even know how to encourage Andrew. When Andrew says to me, "Grace, I don't know if I'm going to make it through these treatments," for once, I am at a loss for words. I don't feel like I'm outside the situation, seeing everything so clearly and knowing what to do. I'm right there next to him, perplexed.
Andrew says that every word he says is a sacrifice, so I try not to ask too many questions. His voice is hoarse and he can't speak very loudly. The doctors had said, though, that this should be temporary and vocal chords usually do well recovering from radiation. I suppose it's not just his vocal chords but the burns in his mouth that make it diffcult to talk. On our Tuesday prayer nights, I get my detailed update along with everyone else. He makes a special effort that night. Andrew usually only says things to me if he needs something or he feels something strongly. For the latter, this means it is usually one of two things that he says: "Grace, I don't know how I'm going to make it through this," or "I'm feeling good today. I'm going to get some exercise and go for a bike ride."
People ask me what it means that he feels sick. I say, "I'm not really sure." I know it means he's amazingly tired and nauseated. I don't know if it's more complicated.
The distress he feels in his heart is a mystery to me. This is what is hardest for me. And now that it's been months since I've had a real conversation with my husband, one that he contributes to, this feeling has sneaked up on me. Have I always felt like Andrew is a complete mystery to me, the deepest part of who he is untouchable, so far from me as if in a black abyss? I have always wanted to know what it's like behind Andrew's eyes, but I am not even a man and never will be. Do colors look brighter or paler behind his eyes? Does the wind feel colder or sharper against his skin than against mine? I will never stand behind his eyes, but I will always wish I could.
What is God teaching him? Will he even remember what his thoughts were when he has energy and voice enough to express them? Sometimes I look at him and I think I see the faint glimmers of angelicness flickering from one side of his face and body like an old T.V. who's reception fuzzes then sharpens then fuzzes again. Is God completely transforming him into a different, heavenly creature without me even knowing? Will he still be able to relate to an earthly creature like me once this is over? I think, I can't lose my husband, because he's still a mystery to me. I mentioned this to Andrew. He squeezed my hand silently. I felt so loved by him. And that made me happy.
Prayer Requests
We continue to be so grateful for all your prayers, encouragement, and help.
Please continue to bring before the Lord our PLEES:
PRESERVE Andrew from the ill effects of these treatments as well as heal Andrew completely. That he would be healthier and better than even before cancer.
LEARN from these trials what the Lord wants all of us to learn from them.
Encouragement and the
Endurance to complete these treatments.
Strength for me to be able to take care of, help, and encourage Andrew, as well as be a mom to the kids. I love them so much.
Prior to Andrew's radiation and chemo treatments, he had a full body PET scan. Despite Dr. Yueh expecting the cancer to have spread, we are so grateful that cancer did not show up in any other parts of Andrew's body. As I read each page of the PET scan report, my heart felt full, overflowing with worship and praise towards God, who so clearly is the One who holds all things in His hands.
As you have probably gathered, Andrew decided he wanted to go through with radiation and chemo, despite the misery and toxicity it would cause him. He would have to do radiation for six weeks and chemo - Cetuximab (also called Erbitux) and Taxotere. The radiation is from Monday through Friday and takes about a half hour. It is increasingly like having a horrendous sunburn that blisters and bleeds constantly. Chemo takes a few hours through IV, every Monday.
Week 1 of Treatment
The first week we went back and forth whether it was worth it to continue. We wanted to speak with our radiation doctor, but she had been on vacation for the past few weeks. Another radiation doctor met with us and showed us a study that, according to her, showed that some people who did a second course of radiation with oral cancer managed to survive after 5 years (5 years of survival is considered cure). However, it was only 9% who were still living. Andrew wanted to know if 9% would have still been living if they had done nothing anyway. Obviously they had no studies to give us on that. We felt really reluctant that the benefits of this treatment were really worth the misery Andrew was going to have to undergo. Nonetheless, our resident, Dr. McAfee, convinced us to wait until our doctor, Dr. Lee, returned from her vacation in Italy.
Week 2 of Treatment
On Thursday, Dr. Lee met with us. She said that according to her experience, based on the way in which the cancer had travelled down Andrew's throat coupled with the new information that there was no evidence that the cancer had spread anywhere else in Andrew's body, she believed that the cancer returned so quickly (quick means within a year of last year's treatment) not because the cancer was so aggressive or because Andrew is radiation-resistant, but because there was probably still tumor left behind after Andrew's first surgery last year in Seattle. Andrew had not had a PET scan after surgery last year, because they try to minimize PET scans to every 6 months and Andrew had just had one prior to surgery. Plus, a PET scan usually only picks up tumors larger than a centimeter, so our Seattle doctor last year had assumed it wouldn't pick up anything anyway.
If there was still tumor left behind in 2007, radiation and chemo couldn't have gotten get rid of an actual tumor in this region of the body. It can only get rid of microscopic cancer, which they know to be the case this year.
In English, this means that if it is true that our Seattle doctor had unsuccessfully removed the tumor last year, Andrew's prognosis is not as hopeless. This means that the cancer is not as aggressive as initially thought and not radiation-resistant. Andrew has a 60% chance of getting local control over the cancer. Of course, there is no way to verify if this is the case.
The reason Dr. Lee's hypothesis doesn't sound crazy or unlikely to us is because Andrew had said the very same thing to me a few months ago. He had said, "Grace, I just have this feeling that the doctor super screwed up last year. I've always had this feeling that there was still a tumor at the base of my tongue." Nobody had considered this before because our doctor was supposed to be one of the top 3 surgeons for this in the world. But when I had recently described to Dr. Yueh how the 2007 Seattle surgery involved cutting the tumor out, then another cut, and then a third cut to get a clean margin of no cancerous cells, he blurted, "Then I would say that was a really bad surgery." Then he caught himself and said, "But every surgeon has a bad surgery like that, even the best."
Dr. Lee explained to us that the reason you have to get a clean margin around a tumor the first cut, especially in the tongue, is because the natural reflex of a muscle when it is cut is to immediately retract. Thus, if there was still cancerous tumor left in the tongue, the muscle fibers can retract so deeply into the tongue that the doctor would have had to cut much much more than he should have had he gotten it out the first cut, and then there was no telling how much to cut. It's such a difficult judgment call in the mouth, because even millimeters are high real estate, so the doctor is trying to balance doing as little damage as possible with making sure to get a clean cut around the tumor.
If it is true that the 2007 surgery in Seattle was a complete blunder, we do not feel angry towards our doctor. We know that the Lord had the surgeon's hands in His own Hands that day. It only proves that we can't place our hope in doctors, no matter how great he may be, but God alone. The life of a man is in God's hands, and nothing can thwart His sovereign will. Nothing can mess up where one molecule should be for one millisecond in all of God's creation.
Dr. Lee said that we need to get local control of the cancer, because you don't want to die of oral cancer. It's very awful. Aside from not being able to swallow or talk, it can make breathing very difficult. She said even if it spreads somewhere else, you don't want it to be oral cancer that kills you. Andrew said, "So it would be better to die of liver cancer than oral cancer?"
"Yes," she said. But then she explained that we should not worry that only 9% were living after five years, because they might have died due to cancer in other parts of their body. And those people are usually much older and in general bad health. If we get local control, she said, and there's no evidence that the cancer has spread, then maybe it won't spread somewhere else and we can cure you."
So Dr. Lee had convinced us to stick with radiation. She told us we were thinking too much. She said Andrew should just watch funny cartoons with our kids, as studies show a positive attitude tends to increase the rate of success for the treatments and that we should continue giving him good nutrition, as studies also support its effectiveness. I said what we needed was a trip to Italy.
They also pointed out the acne breaking out on Andrew's face was a sign that the Erbitux was working.
The Thursday we decided to fully commit to these treatments was two days after my end of the rope day that I wrote about. I told Andrew I felt like I really needed a vacation. So I asked him if we could go away over the weekend. He said he didn't want to go far and for only one night, otherwise it's more work than restful. So we went to the newly renovated Hyatt Place in Eden Prairie, the town we live in. We left our house on Friday afternoon with Andrew saying he was feeling well. But when we arrived at Costco to look for a funny DVD series to buy with a gift card some people sent us, Andrew said, "I suddenly feel so tired," just before we left the car. I told him I could go in by myself. He said he really wanted to choose, too, though. So he walked with me into Costco and we sat him down in one of their wheel chairs.
Now, before Andrew had his stomach tube inserted, he used to have a feeding tube that went in through his nose. There was this one day between doctor consultations that we walked down the street outside of the hospital at the University of Minnesota. When Andrew wasn't injecting food into his nose tube, he would wrap it over the top of his ear, and tape it there, like the nurse had taught him, so it hung from his nose to his ear, and wasn't falling down out of his nose to eventually pull out. All the college students kept turning their head to stare at him. Andrew also had a grey hood on on a sunny day, trying to keep shaded, because otherwise the sun prevents a healing scar from disappearing. He was bowing his head forward, because his neck muscles were tight from always having to sleep sitting up in the hospital so that his incisions could heal.
Not one person who passed us pretended not to stare. Neither of us really cared. I actually found it really interesting and began watching them. When I tired of flipping my head as I watched each of them pass, I turned my head towards the windows of the shops. There, I saw the reflection of their turning heads, and past that, the turning, staring heads of the people sitting at the tables next to the window inside the restaurants. I thought Andrew looked practically normal, especially compared to how he looked in the hospital. I laughed. "We should put a chain next to your nose tube and hang earings off of it. Then they'll think it's on purpose."
But as I pushed Andrew in his wheelchair in Costco, even though no one was turning their heads - I guess they knew better than to stare at a person in a wheel chair - I felt bothered. I thought, This isn't cool. "I am going to do everything I possibly can to keep you from ever getting to the point where you will truly need this," I thought out loud.
"I don't want to talk about that right now," Andrew said.
"Oh sorry."
When we arrived at the lobby of the Hyatt, the style was very contemporary, which we love, and it was different than your typical hotel. The check-in counter is in the middle of the room and is shaped like a crescent. On the other side of the desk is a Starbucks coffee bar. So the person who checks you in can also serve you drinks and food. The rest of the lobby has tables, chairs, and couches set up like a giant coffee shop that people like to hang out at.
Upstairs, our room had it's own living room. We vegged on the couch and put in the first season of Saturday Night Live from the 1970s that we had purchased. Within a half-hour of watching that, Andrew fell asleep. He was passed out through all Saturday Night Live plus all of the movie we rented. He slept through all my trips out of the room, including when I went back home to spend a few minutes with my mom before she returned to New Jersey the next morning. He slept through me going down to breakfast the next day. I packed our things up and Andrew finally began to revive. "Wow, I really like this place," Andrew said. "We should come here every week."
Even though Andrew probably only saw the Hyatt when he blinked a couple of times, I think the change of scenery did us both a ton of good. Andrew doesn't get out much. Getting out of the house is going to the hospital for treatment. If he starts to feel better, we go to the park near our house. We're the type that like to go out a lot and in the past that was often to restaurants. Now, restaurants with all its yummy smells of food and crowds of people enjoying chewing what's in their perfect mouths is a place of torture for Andrew. Most of the time in our house, he spends sleeping or dozing in our bedroom. He doesn't like to rest in the living room, because he doesn't like to be in the center of things or the noise of the children. Imagine spending hundreds, more than a thousand, of hours only in your bedroom. It would become the stale cancer bedroom.
"Going to a hotel will give us something to look forward to each week," Andrew said.
I felt so relaxed after vegging at the Hyatt, sleeping in, and not having to wake up with anything to do.
Since the Hyatt is in Eden Prairie, it was so cheap, half of what it would cost 20 minutes away in Minneapolis. Plus, if you sign up for their Rewards, you get your third visit free. That means between the two of us, we get two free visits.
Since Andrew was passed out all of Friday and Saturday, I assumed it was because of the chemo. I thought, How can it be this bad after only two weeks? Andrew didn't sleep this much until the last dose of chemo last year. How will we manage if it's only going to get worse than this? How can it possibly get worse? But the next morning, Sunday, when Andrew woke up, he said, "I'm feeling better now. Let's go to church."
He later explained to me that it wasn't because of the chemo that he was so tired. It was because he was fighting off a cold. So by Monday, he was healed and okay to do chemo again. This is a huge praise that he healed so quickly, because usually doctors are afraid with a compromised immune system that it will turn into pneumonia. Last year, when Andrew got a cold, chemo was postponed a week. Instead, this year, Andrew recovered more quickly than a normal person without cancer.
Each week we go to the Hyatt Place, I feel a little more rehabilitated after the stress of Andrew's surgery and the subsequent weeks. But with each week that I feel more and more human, Andrew feels less and less human. While he gets more miserable, I must feel better, lest I end up collapsing on the bed beside him and he starts asking me how he can help me.
Week 3 of Treatment
This week was a week from heaven for me. We no longer had to consult with doctors about decisions, so now my mother-in-law was taking Andrew to radiation, so I could be with the kids. It had been two months that I had been away from them most of every day between being at the hospital and all our doctor consultations.
I was home with the kids now and the sun was calling us outside. And I can never resist its call. The leaves had finally blossomed on the trees and the path to the park had become woods that could have been miles thick, it was so full. The trail leads to a pond and we watched a family of 6 turtles sunning on a log. When we took a step off the path onto the grass, each of the turtles plopped into the water, except for the two largest ones. I said they were the grandma and grandpa and knew better that People never go into the pond and won't hurt them. The turtles kept clicking and clicking. We said it was the little ones saying, "Come on Grandma! Come on Grandpa! Before the People get you." But as we passed, Grandma and Grandpa Turtle said, "You see. I told you. We've been here years. We know. The People won't bother us. Plus my limbs are aching too much to keep jumping in and out of the water."
Now that the grass was growing and everything was flowering, often we never made it past the pond and the trail that leads to the playground, because we got too caught up picking dandelions and watching the different birds that we had never seen in the previous states we had lived in. There was a small black bird with fire engine, red shoulders. There were birds that were so little and moved so quickly on the ground, I almost wondered if I was seeing baby chipmunks. And then it flew off. We even saw a big...well, I don't know what it was...it was brown and big like a porcupine but without the sharp pines, and it hung off a tree with it's tail trying to get at something.
Week 4 of Treatment
Each week is a rollercoaster. The first two weeks, Andrew was pretty miserable. Then, by the third week, it was as if his body got used to the chemo and tolerated it better. The pattern became that he was administered chemo on Monday, it kicked in Tuesday night, he slept constantly from then until Friday. Then Friday or Saturday morning, he'd suddenly arrive in the kitchen, feed himself, and say, "I'm feeling better. I think I'll get some exercise and go for a bike ride." I stand there gaping and praising God, surprised that each week a day like that still arrives.
It has continued like this with each week getting worse, the length of his bad days increasing, and his good days being less energetic than the previous week. On the bad days, I continually go back and forth between Andrew and the kids. I often have to drop the kids mid-sentence on grandma if Andrew suddenly needs me.
During the kids' naps, when I normally might get a little break and catch up on other things, instead it's my opportunity to return again to Andrew. There was one day last week where from the moment we woke up until 11:30 at night, I literally did not have one second by myself. When I was putting the kids to bed, I was like, "A.J., I don't know, you'll have to figure out how to get your sleeper on yourself. I'm just so exhausted." After I finally put the kids to bed, I went to my room to collapse on my own bed early. But then I realized, it was time to feed Andrew again. I must say, though, that God's grace has been sufficent. The Lord provided a second wind. When I finished injecting his anti-nausea drugs and then afterwards his meal, I then sat with him the next 45 minutes as he vomitted his anti-nausea meds and food.
Week 5 of Treatment
Andrew had began throwing up a few times on his worst days around week 4. In Week 5 the throwing up increased, despite that he is on three anti-nausea drugs now, while he had started out only on one, Zofran. His saliva from day one has gotten thicker and thicker and more viscous, so that he is constantly spitting, unable to swallow his own saliva. And now the spit is bloody from all the burns the radiation is causing in his mouth.
He often wakes up throughout the night, and I often wake up with him. Many nights this week one or the other of us has been unable to return to sleep for a few hours.
On Monday, before the chemotherapy misery had kicked in again and I was walking with Andrew and the kids, a neighbor down the street introduced herself to me. She said, "I always see lots of cars outside your house."
Andrew was standing beside me. Man, all of you who know him, if you saw him now, would think he looks awful. Last year cancer was a trip to the park compared to this year. He's boney, has acne, his neck still tight so that his head bows and his shoulders raised, his face redish tan, and he's always hacking spit into paper cups he carries around with him.
I wonder if he looks older. When Andrew first changed out of his hospital gown into a t-shirt at the end of his hospital stay in April, the nurse said, "There you go. Takes 10 years off just by changing your clothes." It didn't occur to me that it was possible for him to look outside of his twenties.
I wonder what he looks like to strangers who have no memory of how handsome he is, and if he just looks like a tan, skinny guy with bad posture. They are probably confused, and wonder if that's a tired, in-pain look that might be evidence that something is strange. I replied to our neighbor, "My husband is going through cancer treatments right now. So people from our church are always coming over to help us out."
For one thing, every Tuesday evening our living room fills with people who come to pray for Andrew. And then there's the team of four who clean our house every other week. And then there are the times our small group met at our house so that we didn't have to go to them. Also, every Monday night people from Motorola visit Andrew. They all live in Eden Prairie, because up until last summer their office had been located in town. Andrew hadn't even transferred from the Seattle project yet (he had been working on it remotely from here) to the Minnesota group, so he had hardly spent time with them before this happened, yet they are still so kind to care. Andrew loves that they visit him. So there's probably one to three times a week it looks like we're having a party at our house.
Plus, they must wonder why the Grout Doctor van always shows up whenever our lawn is being mowed (Allen mows our lawn and he's the Grout Doctor). And if Andrew doesn't feel well enough to make it to prayer meeting at church on Wednesday nights, guys come to our house to pray with him. And then there are people that sign up for his visitation slots to encourage him.
I am really grateful for all the people that visit Andrew and try to encourage him. Splitting my brain between caring for Andrew and taking care of two toddlers who were starved of my attention for two months and still are starved of their father, I usually don't even know how to encourage Andrew. When Andrew says to me, "Grace, I don't know if I'm going to make it through these treatments," for once, I am at a loss for words. I don't feel like I'm outside the situation, seeing everything so clearly and knowing what to do. I'm right there next to him, perplexed.
Andrew says that every word he says is a sacrifice, so I try not to ask too many questions. His voice is hoarse and he can't speak very loudly. The doctors had said, though, that this should be temporary and vocal chords usually do well recovering from radiation. I suppose it's not just his vocal chords but the burns in his mouth that make it diffcult to talk. On our Tuesday prayer nights, I get my detailed update along with everyone else. He makes a special effort that night. Andrew usually only says things to me if he needs something or he feels something strongly. For the latter, this means it is usually one of two things that he says: "Grace, I don't know how I'm going to make it through this," or "I'm feeling good today. I'm going to get some exercise and go for a bike ride."
People ask me what it means that he feels sick. I say, "I'm not really sure." I know it means he's amazingly tired and nauseated. I don't know if it's more complicated.
The distress he feels in his heart is a mystery to me. This is what is hardest for me. And now that it's been months since I've had a real conversation with my husband, one that he contributes to, this feeling has sneaked up on me. Have I always felt like Andrew is a complete mystery to me, the deepest part of who he is untouchable, so far from me as if in a black abyss? I have always wanted to know what it's like behind Andrew's eyes, but I am not even a man and never will be. Do colors look brighter or paler behind his eyes? Does the wind feel colder or sharper against his skin than against mine? I will never stand behind his eyes, but I will always wish I could.
What is God teaching him? Will he even remember what his thoughts were when he has energy and voice enough to express them? Sometimes I look at him and I think I see the faint glimmers of angelicness flickering from one side of his face and body like an old T.V. who's reception fuzzes then sharpens then fuzzes again. Is God completely transforming him into a different, heavenly creature without me even knowing? Will he still be able to relate to an earthly creature like me once this is over? I think, I can't lose my husband, because he's still a mystery to me. I mentioned this to Andrew. He squeezed my hand silently. I felt so loved by him. And that made me happy.
We have just completed the fifth week. We had thought the treatments were only 6 weeks long, but it's actually an additional half week. So instead of finishing this Friday, the 13th, he'll be finishing Thursday, the 19th. A total of 33 radiation treatments and 7 chemo treatments. Then the effects are supposed to get worse for two weeks after the treatments end.
Still Surprises
Despite all the misery Andrew is enduring, there are still surprising praises. He still can swallow food when it looks so appetizing that he can't resist. The other day he swallowed a spoonful of pasta. Today he had a spoonful of brown rice. He says it's not really eating, since he uses a lot of water flushes and lets it slide down his throat by tilting his head up, but I tell him that no one expected him to be able to consume anything through his mouth, especially this late into his treatments.
And up until a week ago, he was able to taste. The radiation is supposed to only temporarily destroy your ability to taste.
Andrew also drinks one cup of ice water with a hint of apple juice every day. He coughs, gags, and spits some of it out, but most of it eventually makes it down.
Dr. Yueh had told us that Andrew would completely lose his ability to swallow from the radiation. If Andrew is able to do this much with only nine of 33 treatments left, I feel that his speech therapy exercises that by God's grace he still does each day will only cause him to improve once this is all over. Besides, most of the people the doctors observe are three times Andrew's age. I imagine he'll have have a lot more energy, determination, and time to rehabilitate.
Also, they take Andrew's blood every week right before they administer the chemo. His blood counts, vitamins, etc. are doing really well. The few things that are a little low, is usually only by a point or two. When they handed me his most recent tests, I thought, How could he be doing so well? As I silently continued to process, suddenly, my heart gushed with exultation. My thoughts broke out into worship and praise to God for His grace on Andrew's body.Prayer Requests
We continue to be so grateful for all your prayers, encouragement, and help.
Please continue to bring before the Lord our PLEES:
PRESERVE Andrew from the ill effects of these treatments as well as heal Andrew completely. That he would be healthier and better than even before cancer.
LEARN from these trials what the Lord wants all of us to learn from them.
Encouragement and the
Endurance to complete these treatments.
Strength for me to be able to take care of, help, and encourage Andrew, as well as be a mom to the kids. I love them so much.
Would You Like to Encourage Andrew?
Hi everyone, you guys have been such an encouragement to us. We are so grateful that you care enough to read our blogs. While many of you express wishing you could do something but don't know what you could do, please know that even saying that is a blessing to us. So even if you think you're not doing anything, I think your expressions of love and concern either through emails, comments, cards, verbally encouraging us through your words or physically helping us, each contribute to Andrew's health. Studies have actually shown that a positive attitude makes a big difference in one's ability to survive cancer. Your expressions of love and concern often protect or help fish Andrew out of dark feelings, and thus are helping Andrew in his fight against cancer.
I would really like to encourage Andrew, as sometimes he feels so low in the thick of these treatments right now. I know that he loves to find out who is reading our blogs as well as read about memories (as do I) with people. We keep hearing about people who are reading our blogs, but who have not left a comment. So here is another request for comments:
Please leave your:
* First and last name (or at least initial)
* What state you live in
* How you found our blog
* a memory with us (if applicable)
- Please leave a comment if you have no relation at all to us and have never met us before. We love to hear when random people are reading are blogs, especially if it's in a different state or country.
- we are particularly wondering why few pre-college people have left a comment, so if you knew us in high school or as kids or are related to us in any way at all (mom, you do still read this, right?), please leave a comment and memory! Andrew will love this. And me too.
- please leave a comment if you are only acquainted with us
- please leave a comment if you are shy person
- please leave a comment if you never have before
- please leave a comment if you already have left a comment but just feel like writing about memories
- have I left anyone out? If I have, please leave a comment
We check our comments entirely too much throughout the day.
I would really like to encourage Andrew, as sometimes he feels so low in the thick of these treatments right now. I know that he loves to find out who is reading our blogs as well as read about memories (as do I) with people. We keep hearing about people who are reading our blogs, but who have not left a comment. So here is another request for comments:
Please leave your:
* First and last name (or at least initial)
* What state you live in
* How you found our blog
* a memory with us (if applicable)
- Please leave a comment if you have no relation at all to us and have never met us before. We love to hear when random people are reading are blogs, especially if it's in a different state or country.
- we are particularly wondering why few pre-college people have left a comment, so if you knew us in high school or as kids or are related to us in any way at all (mom, you do still read this, right?), please leave a comment and memory! Andrew will love this. And me too.
- please leave a comment if you are only acquainted with us
- please leave a comment if you are shy person
- please leave a comment if you never have before
- please leave a comment if you already have left a comment but just feel like writing about memories
- have I left anyone out? If I have, please leave a comment
We check our comments entirely too much throughout the day.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A Legitimate Son
ANDREW WRITES:
I've had 3 weeks of radiation and 4 weeks of chemo. The first week of radiation was not terrible, but after that things went downhill quickly. I really look forward to the weekends because I have no doctors appointments, no radiation, and my chemotherapy usually wears off by Saturday so I can enjoy a quick break before I poison myself again the following Monday morning.
The chemo side effects surprisingly are not as bad as last year, but it just makes me much more tired. The radiation, on the other hand is much much worse than last year. The blistering and soreness and discomfort of my mouth and throat after the last 3 weeks of treatments is already worse than the worst I ever experienced last year. My muscles have really tightened up and it is just so difficult to do exercises when each movement causes pain and bleeding. My voice is raspy and my mouth cannot articulate clear speech anymore. Please pray for endurance for me and that I would not let my mind dwell on the future pain and suffering, but that I would stay focused on making it through today. Please also pray for relief from the pain, and that my speech would return in the future. The pain medications work to a certain degree, but there is only so much you can take.
On the bright side I've been able to maintain some of my swallowing abilities that I got back before radiation started. As you know, I was able to get a few bites of food down with lots of water flushes before radiation. Now, I can't get food down, but I can still drink some water! I practice swallowing a few times a day with an ice cold glass of water mixed with a few table spoons of apple juice (too much juice burns my mouth from the acid). Although I cough and gag quite a bit, the water is so satisfying to my burning mouth and throat and my hungry stomach.
Anyhow, praise God for ice cold water, and that the effects of chemo have not been as bad last week. Other than being extremely tired, I felt pretty good. I think I only threw up once.
So, physically I'm having a hard time, but spiritually I'm feeling more encouraged this week. I have made some breakthroughs in my understanding of trails and God's character this week after meditating on the scriptures and listening to our worship pastor, David Ward's, sermon yesterday. David's sermon reminded me of the difference between God's punitive discipline verses his formative discipline (click here to download). Sometimes I think of trials as being punitive discipline as if I'm being punished for what I've done in the past. We often think of discipline that way, even with our kids. The thing is, God's discipline is not that way towards me as a christian. If I was actually getting what I deserved, it would be much worse than cancer, in fact infinitely worse than the worst pain imaginable. God's punitive discipline would be the full force of His wrath against me as a punishment for my sins.
Instead, God's discipline is formative, meaning it is meant to shape me or train me (and others) to be more complete. This is an act of love, not punishment. Praise God for His Son Jesus, who took that punitive discipline to the cross in my place! As a result of Christ's work, I am a legitimate son of the living God and instead of being punished I am being trained in holiness and virtue through my trails. This is reason to rejoice in our sufferings!
Heb 12:5-11
MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,
NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,
AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
I've had 3 weeks of radiation and 4 weeks of chemo. The first week of radiation was not terrible, but after that things went downhill quickly. I really look forward to the weekends because I have no doctors appointments, no radiation, and my chemotherapy usually wears off by Saturday so I can enjoy a quick break before I poison myself again the following Monday morning.
The chemo side effects surprisingly are not as bad as last year, but it just makes me much more tired. The radiation, on the other hand is much much worse than last year. The blistering and soreness and discomfort of my mouth and throat after the last 3 weeks of treatments is already worse than the worst I ever experienced last year. My muscles have really tightened up and it is just so difficult to do exercises when each movement causes pain and bleeding. My voice is raspy and my mouth cannot articulate clear speech anymore. Please pray for endurance for me and that I would not let my mind dwell on the future pain and suffering, but that I would stay focused on making it through today. Please also pray for relief from the pain, and that my speech would return in the future. The pain medications work to a certain degree, but there is only so much you can take.
On the bright side I've been able to maintain some of my swallowing abilities that I got back before radiation started. As you know, I was able to get a few bites of food down with lots of water flushes before radiation. Now, I can't get food down, but I can still drink some water! I practice swallowing a few times a day with an ice cold glass of water mixed with a few table spoons of apple juice (too much juice burns my mouth from the acid). Although I cough and gag quite a bit, the water is so satisfying to my burning mouth and throat and my hungry stomach.
Anyhow, praise God for ice cold water, and that the effects of chemo have not been as bad last week. Other than being extremely tired, I felt pretty good. I think I only threw up once.
So, physically I'm having a hard time, but spiritually I'm feeling more encouraged this week. I have made some breakthroughs in my understanding of trails and God's character this week after meditating on the scriptures and listening to our worship pastor, David Ward's, sermon yesterday. David's sermon reminded me of the difference between God's punitive discipline verses his formative discipline (click here to download). Sometimes I think of trials as being punitive discipline as if I'm being punished for what I've done in the past. We often think of discipline that way, even with our kids. The thing is, God's discipline is not that way towards me as a christian. If I was actually getting what I deserved, it would be much worse than cancer, in fact infinitely worse than the worst pain imaginable. God's punitive discipline would be the full force of His wrath against me as a punishment for my sins.
Instead, God's discipline is formative, meaning it is meant to shape me or train me (and others) to be more complete. This is an act of love, not punishment. Praise God for His Son Jesus, who took that punitive discipline to the cross in my place! As a result of Christ's work, I am a legitimate son of the living God and instead of being punished I am being trained in holiness and virtue through my trails. This is reason to rejoice in our sufferings!
Heb 12:5-11
MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,
NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,
AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Isaac Romeo!
Praise God that little Isaac Romeo Glenn was born tonight! He is just under 2 lbs. My sister was able to deliver the baby normally without a C-section. Mom and baby seem to be doing well. Please pray for continued health for the both of them, especially Isaac, who will be in the hospital until he is 34 weeks old, which is eight weeks from now.
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