Sunshine amidst cloudy days

ANDREW WRITES:

Though it is winter here in Seattle, last week was full of sunshine.

My brother, Jon, and my dad came last weekend. Though I was still recovering from the surgery, I was able to get out a bit and spend some time with my brother. One of the days Jon and I took a walk up to blockbuster and rented a video, then stopped by Dairy Queen and walked back with hot fudge sundaes. Walking by all the houses and peeking into their backyards brought back memories of when my brother and I used to play catch in our backyard on warm spring days in New Jersey. He's 5.5 years older than me, so I learned so much from him when I was a kid. I was always the tag-along with the older kids when we used to play baseball in our old court in California or at Vista Grande school down the street. I didn't much care that I was just Jon's little brother. At least I had somebody to look up to.

When Jon and Dad left Monday night I missed them immediately. It's been a really long time since Jon and I spent much time together. I'm glad he made the time to come because his visit brought sunshine amidst some cloudy days.

With all the doctors appointments, the surgery and recovery, it it felt like forever since we've been able to get out and just have some good fun and laughs with my wife and the kids.

When I woke up on Tuesday morning I could already tell I was in for a treat. There was a yellow tint rather than a gray tint to the beam of light between the curtains. As Tuesday's are typically family days, we decided to go out for lunch instead of dinner since there's no guarantee that the sunshine will last more than 2 minutes. So off we ran to the park on the Snohomish and Pilchuk rivers.

It was Grace, AJ, Gracie, mom, Boaz (mom's dog) and I eating fish and chips in 70 degree weather in Snohomish. AJ just loved being able to run around and play on all the playground equipment. Gracie kind of just hung out looking cute. Grace gave AJ a tour of the place, then hung out with Gracie. Mom took Boaz for a long walk around the park, and I just enjoyed watching AJ sort of tumble his way down the tall spiral slide with his deep belly laughs. AJ seemed small for such a tall, steep, spiral slide, but we let him go down anyways. Since the slide was enclosed I couldn't see what was happening, but the sounds he made before popping out the bottom sounded painful. "Haha - thump, thump, thump - haha!" The funny thing is that he wanted to do it again and again. I kept thinking to myself, "so AJ whats it like to be invincible?"

God has really blessed me by surrounding me with wonderful people. As wonderful as they are, how much more wonderful is our perfect God! He sticks closer than a brother, wife or friend.

Erik's Journal

Awesome news! Erik is improving and he's slowly coming out of his coma. He is able to make hand signals and respond to his wife, Roxanne. Read the latest journals written by his sister at the link below.

Gto http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/visitAPage.do and type erikgreene for the site name.

Some specific prayer requests:

Pray that he will continue to come out of the coma. He is progressing and is able to give hand signals to answer questions and communicate. He’s even able to focus his eyes for short periods of time.

Pray that his kidneys will begin to function. He is still on dialysis every other day.

Pray for the family as they look for a place to move Erik to—after the hospital discharges him. Right now the only place they can find is rather far away.

Pray that Erik will be able to be removed from the ventilator in the next day or so.

Erik is uncomfortable—with all of the tubes and machines attached to him. Pray that he will recover enough that these can all be removed.

I Feel Good

The great thing about AJ and Gracie is that they don't really know or care that I'm battling cancer. That helps me feel normal when I'm around them.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I can eat. For the past 5 days I've been eating anything I can get my hands on to try to gain some weight before radiation starts. The thing is that I still have to eat slowly and carefully lest I bite the sore parts of my tongue. My neck is still sore, but it isn't really uncomfortable unless little Gracie punches me in the neck when I'm cuddling her.

Being off work has been a blessing because I've been able to spend a lot of time with my wife. The only exercise that I've been able to do is take brisk walks with Grace around the neighborhood or up the hill to the supermarket. Those are my most enjoyable parts of the day.

I remember the first night in the hospital the nurse asked me to try to walk to help my circulation. I walked about 5 steps and then had to go back and get in bed. Now, other than being a little tired, I feel good. Praise God!

My Wife

ANDREW WRITES:
She’s so beautiful.

In 2002 I ended up moving across the street from Grace's apartment in Los Angeles and that's when we became good friends. We always had so much to talk about and we shared so much in common. We became good friends, fell in love and got engaged there on Kelton Avenue in Los Angeles. We then got married in New Jersey on January 10th, 2004 and moved to Seattle.

Grace has been my best friend ever since. When she hears the garage door open when I arrive home from work Grace and the kids all hurry to the top of the stairs and wait there. When I come around the corner I see her smiling radiantly with Gracie on her hip saying, "Welcome home!", while AJ stands at her feet saying, "Pops, home. Pops, home!" I love my job, but I really really love coming home.

Grace is not only my best friend, she's also my biggest fan and she supports me no matter what. She sacrificially gives of herself to her family every day. The way in which she has supported me through this trial has given me great hope, and it has taught me how I ought to support others. If not for her I would probably still be slumped over in my bed depressed and wasting away.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was so fearful of the future. Grace came to me and said, "No matter how bad it is, we're going to fight this. Even if its all over your body we're going to fight this cancer together." These past six weeks I've watched Grace boldy step up to all of our challenges. She's more amazing than I could have imagined.

Grace continually teaches me how to sacrifice for, encourage and strengthen others. She loves the Lord so much, and helps me to love Him more each day. If anything good ever comes out of me these days it is because of the encouragement and support of my wife. She is so strong, so bold, and so bright, yet so gentle and so caring. There isn’t another woman on this earth like her. She is so precious, and yet I don’t show enough gratitude to her for all that she has done for me and our kids. I love her so much, but I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve half the woman that she is. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a precious, undeserved gift.

The Pathology results

ANDREW WRITES:
Dr. Futran called last night and confirmed what we were all expecting. Thankfully they were able to get the whole tumor out with clear margins. There was no cancer in the lymph nodes on the left side, but there was cancer on the right side. That means I will need to have radiation treatment to the right side of my face and neck area.

Grace and I were pretty much prepared for the news, so it didn't sadden us too much. We've spent the past week thinking about radiation and mentally preparing for it. Praise the Lord for providing Dr. Futran and his team who were able to get the entire tumor out through the mouth, even though Dr. Moore (the doctor from Swedish) didn't think it could be done without cutting the jaw. We really like Dr. Futran because he's not only a skilled doctor, but he's a really nice guy. His confident, yet kind, personality takes the edge off the pain and fear that comes with cancer treatment.

Anyhow, today was a pretty good day. It snowed about 6-8 inches yesterday and so I got to wake up to the sun glistening over the snow-covered ground. That was a real treat considering the typical rainy cloudy weather we've been getting for the last month. I also got to take a nice long walk with Grace through a trail in our development. One of the cool things about being home these past couple weeks is being able to spend lots of time with my wife.

This may sound funny, but the best part of the day was actually eating a pork chop. I've been starving for real food for 2 weeks now. When we sat down at dinner I initially wasn't planning on even trying to eat it. But then after everybody started digging in, my famished stomach took control of me and cut a piece off the pork chop. I carefully chewed it and savored the flavor and quickly took another bite, and another. It hurt to eat it, in fact I even bit myself trying to eat it. But it tasted so good that I was willing to endure the pain. I'll probably do it again too.

Update on Andrew's Recovery

ANDREW WRITES:

The video below is from Saturday 2/24/07. I've already come a long way in my speech since then. I am also able to eat a little soft food. Eating has been really difficult, and often is discouraging. It isn't as painful anymore, but it's just difficult to move food around and swallow it. So I get discouraged and don't have much of an appetite. But I just have to force myself to do it. My goal is to somehow gain all my weight back before radiation starts. I typically have to drink smoothies and drinks, but at dinner each day I practice chewing food as much as I can. I'm still losing weight (~15 lbs so far), but my calorie intake is getting much better.

We still don't have the pathology results, so we're just waiting in suspense for now. Although it has been difficult physically after surgery, I'm glad to be home with my wife and the kids. They are a joy to be with.

Erik is still in a coma right now, but we're praying that he will come out of it soon. We got to visit him in the Critical Care Unit on Friday afternoon. It was hard to see him in that condition, but it just makes me pray harder for his recovery. As expected, his family encouraged me greatly during our short visit at the hospital. They're standing strong and very hopeful about the whole situation. Hopefully I'll be feeling up to visiting again tomorrow.

Broken crutches

Thursday night 2/22/07
ANDREW WRITES:

I feel a little crippled right now, not so much physically, but more mentally. After coming back from the doctor today Grace immediately ran back to UW for her writing class. I wanted her to go rather than stay home with me so that she could keep doing what she normally does. My mom, the kids and I had dinner and then I went into the room to rest.

I immediately found myself feeling so alone, and started to cry. To make a long story short, the doctor gave me the news I didn't want to hear. They believe the cancer did spread to the lymph nodes in my neck. They will be 100% sure next week when the pathology studies come back, but they are quite sure that it had spread, and that I'll need radiation. While I had my head between my knees weeping and fighting for joy the words that came to my mouth were, "For I know that my redeemer lives and I will stand with Him on that day."

Job says this in Job 29:25-27:
"As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.
Even after my skin is destroyed,
Yet from my flesh I shall see God;
Whom I myself shall behold,
And whom my eyes will see and not another.
My heart faints within me!

Close your eyes and imagine a person hobbling along a road with a pair of crutches. Strapped to his back is a large wooden chest full of many spare crutches for use whenever a crutch breaks. All along this road are little stands with ads and salesmen trying to sell the latest and greatest crutch.
"For just 5.999999 APR you can have the XZR Titanium crutch. It will make your journey smooth, enjoyable and fun."

And the road keeps getting bumpier and bumpier so the man hobbles along and his left crutch breaks, so he has to replace it with whatever is readily available. Then the right one breaks, then the left again...So this man leaves a trail of broken crutches behind him as he journeys along the bumpy road called life.

So the guy keeps hobbling along and keeps finding great deals on new crutches at all the stands he stops at. He's so excited that he even starts to hobble faster and faster trying to get to the next stand. Then just ahead he sees a funny red sign. As he hobbles up close he notices that it says "END".

I've been thinking about what my crutches are/were. What do I use to hold myself up with? What do I depend on to give me joy?

I'm looking around at my field of broken crutches and I'm finding that I'm not surprised that they're breaking. My dependence often lay in my health, money, prestige, my job, my wife, my kids, or even in being highly esteemed by others. God has blessed me in all these areas and each of them do bring me lots of joy. But what if these things are taken away, then where does the joy come from? What happens when the crutch breaks?

True joy is found in the truth behind why we even go down the bumpy road called life. What robs us of joy is continually worrying about crutches all the time.

So whats the point? To amass the largest storehouse of crutches? To get the best one? What happens when you get to the end of the road?

The bible as a whole teaches that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. The whole point is to learn the truth and then learn to walk. It is not to pass the time being satisfied with mediocre joy until you get to the end. That's a wasted life.

Jesus spoke of this truth in John 8:31-32
"If you continue in my word then you are truly disciples of mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free."

So we naturally ask, freedom from what? The truth will make you free from slavery to crutches. Slavery to the lusts of the eyes, the lusts of the flesh and the boastful pride of life. Slavery to the sin that permeates our very core.

Truth = Free = Joy
I still rely on crutches, and I still have a stash of them strapped to my back. But I'm learning to walk. The more I can understand the truth that my redeemer, Jesus Christ, lives, the more joy I can find. Jesus is God, was crucified for my sins, and He resurrected Himself and appeared to many people before ascending into heaven. This is the truth - that all my sins have been paid for by the sacrifice of the cross. I do not have to suffer punishment in eternity for my sins. So whatever bumps lie ahead will be okay, because it's okay if my crutches break. In fact, I want them to. Then I'll be forced to find my joy in the fact the my redeemer does live. He is the all-powerful God, and He knows me, and cares for me. And one day I will stand with Him.
Ps 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You;
And my soul, which You have redeemed."

So its been hard to see my crutches break one by one. It's been a painful battle thus far with cancer, but God has been faithful all my life thus far. He has been faithful to break my crutches, because He wants me to find a deeper joy in Him alone. This is true love. This is a good God.

Nobody knows the day or the hour when the little red sign will appear by the roadside. So let us all leave our crutches behind, and run to our Savior Jesus Christ for our joy and satisfaction in this life and the next.

Isaiah 55:6-7
Seek the LORD while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the LORD,
And He will have compassion on him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon

The follow-up

Over the past couple of days I have been getting better and better. The cold symptoms are basically gone now. My tongue is quite swollen still, but I am now able to actually swallow rather than having force drinks down my throat. I glad that I can talk much more that I could two days ago, so Grace and I mom can understand me with some repeats. I still can't chew anything, though. Basically I sound like a person trying to talk with a large strawberry strapped to his tongue. I use that example because AJ is sitting here eating strawberries next to me while I type this. The funny thing is that even though I can barely talk, AJ still understands me about as well as he used to. Not bad for a little guy. Then again, maybe I'm finally speaking his language...

Today is the day that I will find out the results of the pathology studies. I'm a little nervous about finding out, but I just have to be stong and trust in the Lord's faithfulness to me.

One of the passages I read this morning was Psalm 28: 6-7
"Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
The Lord is my strength and my sheild;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him. "

The Lord has always been faithful and He will continue to be faithful even if today's report is not what I want to hear.

Please pray that all the cancer tissue has been removed from my body, and that it will not return. Even if the doctors had good news for me today, God is the one who is able to keep it from coming back. So we entrust my life to His merciful hands.

The only bad thing is...

ANDREW WRITES:

Most of you know the outcome of the surgery, but I thought I might write out the details as well since there were some fun parts.

Friday:
The morning wasn't that difficult. Grace and I woke up and went off to the hospital. It kind of just felt like three weeks ago when I went in for a biopsy early in the morning. The guy who wheeled me to the OR and dropped Grace off at the waiting room was like a big gentle giant. Grace called him "the big angel." There was something really relaxing and comforting about him that gave me peace about the whole situation. So waking up early, going to the hospital, and going back to sleep was the easy part of the day.

Waking up again was the hard part. I remember coming out of the anesthesia and gripping the side of the stretcher with all my might trying to say "pain". The only problem was that nothing was coming out of my mouth. Lots of blood and some other fluids were running down my throat. I could hardly breath without gagging, let alone try to control my newly shaped swollen tongue. Eventually they did give me morphine, and that helped a lot.

At some point during the day I was transported up to my hospital room and was told that they thought they were able to get the whole tumor out through the mouth. Praise the Lord for that! It turns out that the tumor was deeper down the throat than they were expecting, so they had to remove more of the rear of my tongue than they initially expected to. So in the end, they removed about 1/3 of the tongue and sewed it back onto itself, then removed all of the lymph nodes on the right neck.

They will do a full pathology analysis of the removed tissue and let us know if the margins are clean this Thursday. The doctor did mention that the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were quite large. That could mean they were cancerous, but they will know by this Thursday.

Saturday:
I'm so thankful that I had Grace literally by my side through this whole thing. She really just comforted me and worked so hard to keep me focused on what I need to do to get better. Since she knows me so well, she was even able to translate my body movements to the hospital staff so I wouldn't have to spend so much time writing notes to them or trying to repeat the few words that I could say. I cannot express how much of a comfort it was to have Grace by my side in the hospital. They brought a cot in for her to sleep on so she could be with me through the night too.

I was only able to get about four 1-hour naps on Friday night because my pain meds would only last about 3 hours, and they kept poking and prodding me all night. In addition, I had to sleep kind of sitting upright and leaning forward so that all the nasty stuff would drain out the front of my mouth rather than down my throat, which made me choke.

On Saturday night I was feeling really discouraged because of how uncomfortable it was trying to rest the night before, so Grace got some games and said we were going to have a sleepover. So we sat in the corner of the room working on Tangrams until pretty late, and then just fell asleep. That didn't make the night any more comfortable, but at least it made it fun. The only downside of having your wife stay at the hospital with you is that you get to jealously look over at her all night peacefully resting.

I spent most of Saturday and Sunday trying to swallow water, medication, and Ensure. It was so painful those first two days. Each time I messed up, I coughed, and that irritated not only my mouth but the incisions in my neck also. In the midst of all that I learned to appreciate the complex breathing and swallowing mechanism of the human body. When you're healthy, it works just fine and you kind of take it for granted. When something's not working right, you notice really quick. Its just amazing how many precise movements are made by your tongue and throat that you don't even notice each time you swallow.

The night before surgery a man from Bob's church in MN called. He encouraged me and read me Is. 41:10, and I decided to write it on my hand so that I could read it when I wasn't feeling well. The Lord really drew near to me during those long days and nights in the hospital. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Looking back I consistently see the Lord's faithfulness to me. We're definately not done with this trial, but I find comfort in how God has been so faithful to us this far. Surely He will continue to be faithful!

Sunday:
Really early Sunday morning I got a new nurse. When he first came into my room he looked kind of unhappy and was wearing a mask over his face. After taking my vital signs he leaned over and pulled up my shirt to listened to my heart. Then he let out a really wet cough, then sniffled. I thought to myself, great, I'm going to get sick. I imagine he got sent home, because somebody replaced him shortly afterwards.

On Sunday morning the doctors removed the drain bulb from my neck. I was so relieved to have that thing gone because each movement I made was pulling on the wound. A drain tube is a plastic tube that went into the right side of my neck to drain the fluids from the incision. With that tube gone they said I could go home if I wanted to. So we decided to go home.

Monday:
Sleeping in my own bed was so much better than the hospital bed. I did end up getting a pretty bad cold, though. My fever shot up to about 103 for a while and throughout the day we were able to get it down to around 100 with tylenol. I was a little scared for a while there, but God really just healed me of the cold in about a day and a half. It has added to some of the soreness of my throat, but I'll get over it.

Now I'm home with my family and my parents. Its so wonderful to have everybody in the same house. I'm thankful that my parents are always there to support and encourage me no matter what. My dad left today on a red-eye because he has to work tomorrow, but my mom is staying. Just like I said about the hospital, the only bad thing about having my family by my side right now is that they eat all sorts of wonderful home-cooked foods, and I just sit and watch. Well, now that the surgery part of this cancer battle is over with, lets look forward to how God is going to work in the coming weeks.

Praise God for answering the following prayers:
1) They were able to get the tumor out through the mouth.
2) There were no major complications and the surgery went smoothly. The doctors and hospital staff were also generally very helpful and kind.
3) The Lord provided a lot of encouragement through the difficult times these past several weeks.
4) My fever went away and I got over the cold quickly.
5) I was able to take down all my medications and antibiotics on schedule so far. I am also beginning to be able to transition to a smoothie-type diet.

Keep praying for:
1) Erik Greene - They have stopped sedating him, but he is still in a coma. Praise God that he seems to be responding a little. I don't have an update today, but keep praying that he'll get better.
2) Pray for proper healing of my tongue and that I will be able to speak and swallow properly.
3) Pray that the pathology results will come back negative everywhere.
4) Pray that the cancer would not return.

Good News!

Grace here.

God is so good. Praise God that so far, everything has gone according to what Dr. Futran expected.

The cancer was all the way at the back of the tongue, but the Lord answered prayer that they were able to remove the cancer through his mouth, despite how challenging it was. So, the easiest procedure was done and they didn't need to cut his jaw.

They removed all of the lymph nodes from the right side of his neck as a precaution, in case any of the cancer had spread there. They also removed a few lymph nodes from the left side of his neck, but at least from looking at all of them, they didn't think there was any cancer in them. They sent the removed tumor as well as the lymph nodes to the pathologist to make sure the margin they cut around the tumor is clean as well as the lymph nodes. We should know the results in a week. Lord-willing, it will all be clean and he will not need radiation.

God is so gentle. There was a time when modern medicine didn't exist, people died young left and right, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. But God is so gentle so as to spare our family from such loss. Thank the Lord that He doesn't seem to be taking my precious Andrew away.

Andrew looks great. He has one long incision on the right side of his neck and a shorter one on the left side. It looks worse than it actually is, because he has stiches (and they don't cover them with bandages). He can't talk, so he just writes, gives a thumbs up, or shakes his head.

As for his actual tongue, they cut out the bottom of the back right side, which is about a third of his tongue. They then folded the top right side of his tongue over the part that was cut out. Since it is a muscle, some of it may grow back. His face is not swollen at all, so in that regard, he looks much better than I did when I got my wisdom teeth out!

The best therapy is just using his tongue and throat. So they are encouraging him to drink clear fluids right now. He has even used his voice a little bit. A nurse is also going to help him get up and walk a little later, so he doesn't get blood clots from not moving around much today. His jaw hurts up to his ear like it did before, but he said his neck feels fine. He says his pain is a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, but he often asks for more medicine. The liquid medicine also causes some nausea.

Dr. Futran said he should be able to go home on Monday. A speech therapist will visit him tomorrow and help him more with swallowing. Hopefully, he should eventually regain his full ability to swallow. I'm not sure if he'll need speech therapy, though, since just talking is the best speech therapy.

As for me, I am doing well. My good friend, Heather, from California just moved up here this week, so she was able to stay with me the whole day right up until I was about to go in and see Andrew around 5pm. Andrew's dad was with us also, while his mom watched the kids at home.

Andrew did really well this morning. We had to arrive two hours early at 7:15 a.m. While we were in one of the pre-something rooms waiting an hour or so for the nurse to take him, we were even laughing together, even though Andrew was nervous at the same time. I felt happy. Then, when it was time to give him a kiss goodbye, all of a sudden I felt like bursting out crying.

Once Heather arrived, though, I chattered ceaselessly, hardly taking a breath all day. I didn't think I felt anxious, but at lunch, even though I was hungry, I found that I couldn't eat. Heather and my father-in-law said I was probably nervous but might not realize it till it was all over. Then, when Dr. Futran came to the waiting room after the surgery and was telling Andrew's dad and I that everything went well, I started glancing around the consultation room for a waste basket. I felt like throwing up. I guess I was really nervous and it was all the relief after a full day of unknowingly holding my breath. I was so thankful to the Lord for answering all our prayers.

I love Andrew so much. Somehow, before this trial, I often managed to complain about being so far from family and longing for sunshine during rainy season. But one thing the Lord has been teaching me through this trial is to live fully in the moment. God's grace truly is only sufficient for today. More than that, I prefer just to tackle the next few minutes, because who knows, that may be all we have. Before the end of the day, The Lord could even take us.

When I see life in such a bite-sized piece as the next 15 minutes, it helps me to think clearly on what's true and to give thanks for all that God has given me. It is only fear of the future that often ruins things. Even if the moment is not enjoyable, it's not so bad unless we fear it's going to last beyond what we can imagine enduring.

But when I just look at right now, I realize I get to be married to the most amazing person I have ever met, and he is alive and here with me. I get Andrew and he is mine. And our children bring us such joy and are in good health. My cup overflows! When I am fully living in the moment, I see so clearly how God has given me such richness.

The true joy and peace that the Lord has given me through this time can only be supernatural. If it could be mustered, everyone would do it all the time. More than anyone or anything, it is so good to know the LORD, the Creator of the heavens and the earth, our Rock and our Sustainer.

I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 18:1-2

A letter to the church

I hope everybody gets to read this at some point in time. It is amazing what has happened the past several weeks in my life.

God has brought our family so much joy in this trial through the love, encouragement, and physical care of the church body. All that you did pointed us to the perfection of Christ, who is the source of all joy. We have tasted and seen that the Lord is good through the good works done through you all. In the midst of your own busyness, difficulties and trials, you have sacrificed for us, and for that we will be ever thankful. You have been a true picture of Christ to us and to the world. Through your labors you have taught us a deeper meaning of sacrificial love.

This trial is not merely our family's trial, it is the church’s trial. The joy that we've had these past few weeks wasn’t due to any single person, or even an organized ministry of the church, it was the Spirit working in the hearts of people desiring to do God's work. Praise Him for providing the church as a means of exercising His grace to us.

I urge you all now to grow more and more in your love, care, and sacrifice for one another. We must continue to be open with each other about our physical and spiritual needs, so that we can meet them. The best part about the many ways in which you ministered to us (coming to appointments, calling us, cleaning our house, bringing food, babysitting, etc.) was just to see your faces and talk with you about what the Lord is doing. This is something that we look forward to doing all the time in the future.

By the time you read this, the tumor, Lord willing, will be gone from my body. We pray that I will recover and be back with you all soon. You truly are our family of families. We love you.

Love,

The Marks

My Brother Erik

ANDREW WRITES:

5:30 AM

Tonight I couldn't sleep much just thinking and praying for Erik Greene and his family. I received news at 8:30 PM last night that he had gone to the hospital with unexpected heart problems. His health quickly started to deteriorate. He is currently sedated and in critical care while the doctors are running tests on him. They said that the prognosis is very grim. For those who don't know him, he is a bright young guy, father of 4 kids (3 adopted), and he loves the Lord.

Erik changed my life these past couple weeks.

Erik and his wife, Roxanne, have sat at my Sunday school table for the past 8 months or so. When he first found out about my cancer diagnosis he came over to me and told me that he knows exactly what I'm going through, and that he would be praying for me. Erik had leukemia when he was a child and had radiation treatment on the upper half of his body. He told me to just hang in there. So I did.

This past Saturday Erik emailed me to encourage me again, and tell me that Roxanne and him would be praying for me. He said in his email, "Hey, if you want to grab a cup of coffee lets do it. If you need to talk about this we can do so. Do not give up hope, brother, because God is in control. His sovereignty is complete and peace is found in him!"

On Sunday I was struggling with pain in my mouth and ear, and I was a little discouraged. After evening service Erik came over and grabbed my hand and held it firmly and said, "Can I pray for you?". So Erik put his arm around me and prayed for my surgery and healing as we stood at the front of the church. When I left the church building that night I thought to myself, "I want to be like Erik. I want to be able to give people hope in their trials."

We haven't known each other for that long, nor have we spent much time together, but Erik changed my life. He's more than a friend, he's a brother.

Lord, we praise you that you are the great physician. You know each hair on our head, and each molecule in our body. I pray that you would please heal Erik and give the doctors wisdom to treat him. I pray that he would be able to live a long healthy life with Roxanne and the kids. Please take care of them.

10:10 AM
I just received a call from Julie Ratzlaff and she told me that Erik made it through the night. He's still sedated in critical care.

I was told that Erik said on his way to the hospital yesterday that he didn't want to get sick now because he wanted to be there for me before I go into surgery. He wanted to have breakfast with me this week. Erik truly is a fighter. Lord, please heal Erik. Please bring him safely through this sickness so that we can have him on this earth for longer. Please give the doctors, the hospital staff and Roxanne wisdom to diagnose and treat him.

Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities;
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit;
Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;
Who satisfies you your years with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.Ps. 103:1-5

11:36PM
Erik is still sedated in critical care and his body is still fighting off a major blood infection. We feel so burdened for him and his family, and we wish we could do something to heal Him. Pray that his condition will stabilize and that he will be able to get over this infection.

What makes family?

ANDREW WRITES:

As you all know, Grace, AJ and Gracie are my closest friends and companions, but there are still two other very important people in my life, mom and dad (a.k.a. Grandma and Grandpa).

I noted in a prior blog that I was a very "special" child. Well, in the end that made for a very "special" relationship between my parents and I. Being the youngest I was a bit of a brat (sometimes a bit more of a brat depending on the age) and when I got older I just tried to get away and do my own stuff. Despite everything, my parents just always loved me and supported me. When I was little they used to let me play in the puddles outside our house in Danville, CA in the late afternoons because I just LOVED water. In fact, one time I locked my parents in the backyard and tried to flood the house.

I always had so much curiosity. After we moved to New Jersey around the age of 9 our house got struck by lightning and lots of our appliances were destroyed, my dad let me take them all apart to see how they worked. That was the very beginning of the engineering road. My parents always supported me in my academic intersts, even though it meant sacrifice for them.

I remember my mom also used to take me to all my doctors and dental appointments. One time I knocked out three of my front permanant teeth playing baseball in a neighbor's backyard and my mom would take me to all the dental and orthodontic appointments to get me fixed up over the next couple of years.

In high school I became a rebellious teenager and fought against the parental authority in our home. Needless to say, that was stupid on my part, and it caused a lot of pain those years and the years following.

When I was in college living the typical college life my dad would make a special stop by Los Angeles during his business trips to visit me a couple times per year and take me to a nice dinner. For college students, thats aways a treat! And whenever I was home my mom would teach me how to cook my favorite dishes as well as her secret household cleaning tricks.

When I finally became a Christian at the age of 20 I looked back on my life and realized how much my parents loved me. Despite all the hurt and pain I brought my parents, they just loved me and wanted whats best for me.

The reason I'm writing this blog is because my parents called yesterday and told me they were coming a day earlier because there is a snow storm coming in to New Jersey on Wednesday morning and they wanted to make sure they could get there at least a day before my surgery. That made me really happy. I'm also excited to see my brother when he visits the week after surgery.

The way my parents love me unconditionally is the way I hope to be able to love my kids. Thats what families are made of.

"The U"

ANDREW WRITES:

So we finally made a decision about which surgeon to go with. If you've been keeping up with the blogs, the choice was between Dr. David Moore at the Swedish Cancer Institute or Dr. Neal Futran (pronounced Few-tran) at the University of Washington Medical Center. Both seem to be excellent surgeons with plenty of experience treating head and neck cancers.

Monday 2/5/07
One of our concerns this week was whether or not Dr. Futran would really be able to get the entire tumor out through the mouth. Dr. Futran called me on Monday morning and we talked about the PET scan results and he assured me that they WILL get the whole tumor out. He feels very confident that it can be done through the mouth, but if for some reason it can't be done that way he can cut around the tongue and drop it back into the throat, and then remove the tumor through an incision in the throat. He told me that he doesn't like to cut the jaw because it doesn't heal as well and it leaves scars, and for this type of tumor he can get to it just as easily from the throat if needed. He only splits the jaw if he really needs to like for a tumor in the tonsil area. Dr. Futran also told me that he would review my PET scan results on Wednesday with his board, and he'll let me know if anything changes.

Tuesday 2/6/07
We visited Dr. Todd Barnett, a radiation oncologist who was recommended by Dr. Moore. After explaining the type of equipment and techniques they use for radiation treatment, Grace and I were less fearful. I had thought that radiation would destroy my tastebuds and saliva glands, but Dr. Barnett said that with the new techniques the should be able to spare much of my taste and most likely one of my main salivary glands on my left cheek.

Dr. Barnett has treated both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran's patients, and he said that both are excellent surgeons and he assured me that both will get the tumor out of me one way or another. If the doctors recommend radiation, I suppose I will have to get it, but we're still praying that I won't need it.

Wednesday 2/7/07
Dr. Futran called me after dinner and told me that his team reviewed the PET scan and they will move forward with the same plan, but they want to make a small incision on my left neck to sample a lymph node that lit up in the scan. After that Grace and I weighed the pros and cons of each doctor, and we came to a conclusion. Here is a brief summary of why we chose Dr. Futran:

1) Not that credientials mean everything, but Dr. Futran is very well respected nationally for treating head and neck cancers. He also holds double degrees in oral and maxillofacial surgery as well as otolaryngology. Not to mention that the University of Washington Medical Center ("the U") is one of the top cancer treatment centers in the US, whereas the Swedish Cancer Institute does not have that reputation.
2) We feel that Dr. Futran is more reasonable in his approaches. If Dr. Futran could not get the tumor out through the mouth he would do it through the throat. Dr. Moore's choice would be to cut the jaw to get to the tumor since he does not believe it can be done solely through the mouth. After discussing the throat option with Dr. Futran, this seemed like a better approach if needed. Dr. Futran, however, is still very optimistic about getting it out through the mouth.
3) We just didn't feel as comfortable with Dr. Moore in our two consultations with him. In our two visits with Dr. Futran we felt much more comfortable talking to him.

Thursday 2/8/07
We went to UW for our pre-op visit. During the visit Dr. Futran took another look at my tongue and mentioned that he still feels like he can get it out through the mouth. He also spent some time explaining where he would make incisions in the neck and assured us that the won't hit any nerves or arteries. This visit pretty much sealed the deal with Dr. Futran.

In summary, after much prayer Grace and I feel very comfortable with Dr. Futran and his approach to my treatment. The other great thing about being treated at UW is that Grace and I love the University. Since moving to Washington we've always had a longing to live near "The U". Well, I guess this is the next best thing.

Joy

ANDREW WRITES:

Looking back at my old journal entries over the past couple weeks (not all are published online) I've noticed how much of a blessing this has been.

For one thing, we're discovering more of God's goodness, and His mercy, and compassion. The comfort that I have when Grace gives me a hug, or when my kids grab my leg and smile at me pale in comparison with the comfort that the Lord has brought our family through the knowledge of Himself. Praise God for coming to this earth and suffering for my sake, being nailed to the cross, for the sins of the world! Jesus know's what it's like to suffer. He knows what pain feels like, being scourged and crucified. He knows everything I'm feeling, and experiencing - and most of all, He has forgiven my sins. This is good news. This is true joy!

Cancer has brought me greater joy because it has given me a deeper appreciation for God through the gospel. It is because of the work of the cross that I can be forgiven of my sins, and know God, commune with Him, and experience His comfort during these difficult times. Just think, the Creator of the entire universe has me in the palm of His hand. God would not be so precarious so as to leave the fate of my life in the hands of a mere man (although He has provided an extremely skilled surgeon to treat me). Ultimately my life is in God's hands, and that is where I've found true joy.

Differing Opinions

ANDREW WRITES:

This week was another relatively difficult one for me, both physically and mentally.

The good news is that my PET scan on Thursday showed no other cancer in my body, and confirmed the diagnosis from both of my doctors. Praise God for answering that prayer. So both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran agree that I have cancer, and that it is a 2-3 cm tumor on the right side of my tongue. Where they differ is the procedure to remove it. I always thought there was a textbook that outlines THE WAY to do stuff, but apparently there isn't. So here's the scoop:

1) Dr. Moore, from the Swedish Medical Center, did a more thorough examination of the cancer while I was asleep, and has determined that he cannot remove it intraorally, meaning that he can't just stick a scalpal in my mouth and cut it out. He says that I will need to cut my jaw in half and rotate it out like a door so that he can get to the right rear corner of my tongue. The key here is to remove the cancerous tumor along with a margin of healthy tissue to make sure it does not come back. Dr. Moore is also saying that it is likely that radiation will be needed, but he will know for certain once they remove the tissue and look at the edges of to see if any cancerous tissue may still be left in my mouth.

2) Dr. Futran, from the University of Washington, did not put me to sleep to examine my mouth, but merely felt the tumor with his fingers while in his office. Dr. Futran made it seem like this was going to be really easy to remove intraorally, and would not require and special cutting and reconstruction of the jaw. He did mention, however, that if he really needed to he could drop the tongue into the throat and remove the tumor that way. This makes me a little nervous, though, because he promised a simple procedure but he hasn't taken that close of a look at it. Dr. Futran is also reluctant to do radiation treatment on somebody as young as me, since there is a chance of causing radiation induced cancer in the future.

So in the end I'm left with two very different opinions, from two very well-respected doctors. So who do I go with? I actually feel comfortable with either one, but I do prefer the simpler procedure. My only concern is whether or not the simple procedure will really get the whole tumor out.

I suppose I'll just have to think about it and pray for wisdom. In the end I need to make a decision, and live with the consequences of it. The good thing is that I believe in a sovereign God, and that I am a child of the King. So what do I have to lose? I just need to be faithful to do the research, seek guidance and make a decision about my treatment. God is the one who moves that hands of the surgeons, so I just need to entrust myself to God, and He will take care of the rest.

Intro to OR

ANDREW WRITES:

Wednesday 1/31/07

Today I went in for another biopsy of the cancer tissue on my tongue as well as a laryngoscopy of the throat. I'll know the results this Friday when I meet with Dr. Moore again at the Swedish Medical Center. I've never had surgury at a hospital before. This was kind of a primer for the upcoming surgury that will actually remove the tumor. It was an interesting experience to say the least, and in the end, I was disappointed.

When we finally arrived at 6:30 AM we met with a receptionist, then a person, then a nurse's assistant, then a nurse, then a different nurse, then the another nurse, then the guy who ran the waiting area, then another nurse who poked me, then another nurse who took me to the operating room where the anethesiologist was waiting for me with a needle. After they put a couple of warm blankets on me, I looked around at all the really cool gadgets in the room. An engineer in an operating room is like a 4-year old in a candy store. Too bad everything went dark 10 seconds later. I was dissappointed that I didn't even get to see those high circular lights turn on, or even meet the darn surgeon!

So I woke up with a bruised lip, a nasty sore throat, and a very painful cancerous sore on my tongue. Then I slept most of the rest of the day while on vicodon. I havn't eaten anything solid today, and unfortunately I can't eat anything at all other than milk, and eggs after 8PM tonight and nothing but water after 5AM because I have a PET scan tomorrow. To top it all off, the VanDerbekens brought over a wonderful meal that looked really good, but I couldn't eat it.

Anyhow, despite the interesting day I had, my family is a boat load of fun. My kids are really special. My mom would have called me special too. But when she says special she means that I had a special way of being disobedient, playing mean pranks, making messes, breaking things and nearly compromising my life. My kids are definately not THAT special.

Anyhow, we pray that there is no other cancer in my body, and if there is the, PET scan will reveal it. Tomorrow will be another adventure in sterile white corridors of First Hill in Seattle.

Encouraging News

God has been answering so much prayer:

1. It doesn’t seem like the cancer has spread
2. It seems like it is in an early stage (stage 2).
3. It seems like the cancer may be able to be taken care of without complication
4. Our insurance will pay for the PET scan!
5. we were able to get both appointments with two opinions this week (Swedish and UW), despite how they initially said we wouldn’t be able to get an appt. until next week
6. The children have done great this week (that wasn’t even in the email prayer requests)
7. Andrew (and me) have been so greatly encouraged. We thought he was going to die when we first found out and felt so hopeless. Now, the Lord has not only given us such great hope about him surviving this, but we are sooooo much happier in Him than we were before this trial. God is so so good.
8. We are learning soooo much through this trial, and God is greatly purifying us.

It doesn’t look like God has denied us even one of our requests. Please do not stop praying yet, though, and that these desires would fully come to fruition. You are ministering most hugely to us just by praying. And though it is to us you are ministering, the Lord will bless you greatly. It is so great to see the Lord prove His promises and show His Word is true over and over. We are also so grateful for you, our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

I’m so thankful they won’t have to destroy his perfect jaw!

- While we think we may go with Dr. Futran, please continue to pray for wisdom about which doctor and which options to take

- In addition to continue praying about the requests that seem to be being answered listed above,

- please pray that they wouldn’t miss any of the cancer when they are removing it

- and that no cancer only in the molecular size would form or remain.

Soul Food

This whole cancer thing so far has taught our family so much about God, ourselves, and life in general. This past week was one of really low lows, but yet at the same time some really high highs. I'm so thankful for my precious wife that stands by me and helps me up when I am down. I'll never forget how much she encouraged me and helped me this week. I wouldn't be much without her by my side. Here are a few things we've been learning recently:

1) The Lord is Good - David says in the midst of his afflictions in Ps. 34 "Taste and see that the Lord is good". Even in the depths of my worries, pain and difficulties thus far, God has shown us a glimpse of how good He truly is. When our cup is made deeper by trials and pain He is faithful to fill it with His grace. When the ground falls out from beneath your feet your faith is tested, and it is in that testing that you come to a deeper realization of WHY you love God - because He has given me more than I deserve right now anyway. Cancer ain't as bad as what I really deserve. My greatest sickness, the sickness of sin, has been taken care of on the cross.

2) How desperately we need the church family - God has truly blessed us with our church in Marysville, WA. What would be do without the people there? Not only has he used our church family to teach us and train us these past several years, but He has also used them to care for us in physical ways as well. With each of our two children being born our brothers and sisters at church overwelmed us with encouragement, meals, support and prayers. Now that I've been diagnosed with cancer, our brothers and sisters have done even more to support us in ways that I would not even been able to think to ask for. Praise God for the church - our family!

3) Life is better lived in the right perspective - The thought of dying changed my perspective on life pretty quickly. A couple of weeks ago I would have spent plenty of time thinking about menial concerns like what what my next job should be, or what our next house should be like, or what car would make my commute easier. Those things can be important, but there is much more to live for than these things, right? If I were to zip forward in time to the day I die (whenever that may be) and look back on my life I want to say that I did everything I could to magnify God on this earth. I don't want to say, "I wasted my life...but at least I got that car, or that house, or that job...". I mean, right now have two kids and a wife to live for. My focus needs to be on them, and the people around me that I can have an influence on. I'll journal more on this subject as I learn more along the bumpy road ahead.

Staging

ANDREW WRITES:

Wednesday 1/24/07 to Friday 1/26/07

Wednesday felt like one of the longest days of my life. I started the morning a little late because I was restlessly rolling around during the night. In addition to the pains in my ear and on my tongue, I could also feel a 1.5 inch long hard lump where my neck meets the skull below my chin. I was certain that the CT scan that I had the day before was going to show all sorts of cancerous stuff in my neck. So I braced myself for the worst. It was just so hard to know that you have cancer and feel all these pains in your head and neck, but not know how if it is treatable (see previous journal entry below). I'm so so thankful for my wonderful wife's encouragement the first 5 days, her strength and ecouragement really helped me get through that moment by moment battle.

Around noon our friends, Dave and Gale Light, arrived so we could go to our first appointment with a head and neck surgeon. Gale stayed back to watch the kids, and Dave joined us as another set of eyes and ears. On the way down to the Swedish Medical center in Seattle I was feeling very nervous.

When we finally got to talk to the surgeon, Dr. David Moore, he told me that the CT scan came back clean with no visible tumors in my neck. So he reached into my mouth and after causing me great pains said that the tumor was greater than 2cm, probably a stage 2 tumor. He also told me that a lot of the swelling in my gums and the pain in my ear was probably the tumor pressing on nerves and messing things up in my mouth, but they were not cancer. This was good news. He said he recommends surgical removal of the tumor and some some lymph nodes in my neck as well as radiation treatment, but he would know more the following week when he can put me to sleep and get a better look at it.

On Friday we met with Dr. Neal Futran at the UW Medical Center for a second opinion. Dr. Futran told me very similar things to Dr. Moore, but he recommended that I not have radiation treatment unless I really need to because I'm so young. Since you can only radiate a part of the human body once, I might as well save that card for later in life if this thing ever comes back. Another great peice of news was that the 1.5 inch long lump below my chin was probably not a tumor, but a swollen saliva gland near the tumor. Whew! What a relief that was to hear...

So, to summarize, we now have 2 opinions on treatment. Both of them say the tumor is a stage 2, and will require surgical removal. So thats the plan for now. I'm still planning in researching radiation treatment in case it is needed. Dr. Moore was concerned that there might be something else wrong with me since it is so rare for a 25 year old to get this type of cancer. So we scheduled a full body PET scan next week to see if there is cancer in any other area of my body. I hope that is not the case.

I'll keep you all posted, but praise the Lord for answering the following specific prayers this week:
1) We prayed that the cancer would not spread, and it does not seem to have done so.
2) We prayed for appointments this week with a head and neck surgeon. Even through both doctors didn't have space in their calendars, something miraculously opened up and I was able to get into both of the appointment books this week!
3) We prayed that I would be encouraged through this difficulty, and I was greatly encouraged this week. God truly met with me this week during my weakest moments, and in those moments I was able to find great joy in knowing my Lord and depending on Him for the strength to make it through the day. I'm so thankful that my greatest sickness, the sickness of sin is already taken care of by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I was also greatly encouraged by my wife, parents, family and friends who all called and emailed me this week.
4) We prayed that the insurance would pay for a full body PET scan, and they did.

Things to pray for:
1) Wisdom to choose between two good surgeons
2) That the cancer would not spread and would be completely removed surgically so that I won't need radiation treatment.
3) Continued encouragement and strength for the whole family.
4) That if there is something else wrong with me, the doctors would figure that out.

Sideswiped by the News of Cancer

Andrew writes:

Tuesday 1/23/07
It have been 4 days since I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in the base of the tongue. I first found out on Friday night, and it didn’t quite hit me until Saturday. It has been a rollercoaster ride since then. A battle for the mind to think on what is true. When I read about the possibility of spreading to lymph nodes, the complex surgery, the radiation treatment on your mouth, not being able to eat, or talk…blah blah blah…it didn’t take long to depress me.

Sunday was a little better. At least I was still alive. And I sure have a lot to live for.

On Monday morning I read Don’t Waste your Cancer by John Piper and that really helped me. If you are reading this, I urge you to please read the article by John Piper. I don’t want to waste this pain.
By Monday night I decided I was going to fight this thing. It really helped when my brother-in-law, Bob, talked to me and told me to just focus on today. God has only provided the grace to make it through today, not tomorrow. God has not provided the grace to carry the burden of billions and billions of combinations of things that could happen tomorrow. Only God can handle that burden. So I need to focus on what’s true today. So I went to the gym, and I was encouraged to realize that the rest of my body still feels young.

On Tuesday I started the day discouraged again. I woke up worrying about the many possibilities and dreading the pain of major surgery to my mouth, throat and neck. All I had to do was make it through today. In fact, I just had to make it through the next 15 minutes. Below are just a few ways that the Lord has been gracious to me today:

1) I read John 18 this morning about the chief priests coming to arrest Jesus on the night of His betrayal. After Peter cut off the ear of the chief priest’s servant, Jesus said, “Put your sword away, shall I not drink the cup My Father has given me?”. Jesus drank the cup of crucifixion for my sake. Shall I not drink this cup (of cancer) that the father has given me?
2) My wife has continually encouraged me throughout the day and helped me to think on what is true. I’m so impressed with how she has been so strong through this and is working so hard to support me. I see God purifying both of us in this.
3) The Otolaryngologist I was referred to (Dr. Futran) was initially not able to get me in for an appointment this week. Then after being persistent, I was able to get an appointment for Friday! In addition, a second option for surgeons came up because somebody that used to go to our church had the same type of cancer in stage 4 and survived. He told me how great his surgeon (Dr. Moore) was, and recommended that I go to him. So I’ll be able to get appointments for 2 opinions this week! One at the University of Washington and the other at Swedish Medical Center, both of which are well respected cancer centers.
4) I was able to get a short notice appointment for a CT scan of my neck today so I can bring the images to the Dr. Moore on Wednesday.
5) I talked to two cancer survivors today, Charlie and Dave. Charlie is the guy that referred me to his surgeon, and it was encouraging to know that he went through the pain and recovery process, and is now doing just fine. Dave was also treated for cancer at Swedish Medical center and seems to be doing just fine now.

A Typical Day with Two Little Ones

This is what a typical day is like for us.

I try to wake up around 6:30 or 7:00. If there is time and Andrew hasn't already left for work, we might try to squeeze in a quick breakfast together. Then I have my time alone with the Lord and nurse the baby. Afterwards, I take a shower.

A.J. wakes at 8:30 or so. I change his diaper and bring him to the kitchen to give him his breakfast and give Gracie her cereal (she just started eating solids a few weeks ago). It takes a long time usually for A.J. to eat his breakfast.

Around 9:30 or 10:00 is when I read to the children and play with them. We might have a snack.

At 11:00 A.J. has time to play alone so that he can work on his focusing skills. He's doing really really well with that. It's taken awhile, but he's really got the hang of it now. I choose a basketful of toys to play with and some of the books I've been reading to them for him to look at. You should see when I read to him Erik Carle's From Head to Toe. Each page, there's an animal that does a different thing. So for the first page, a seal turns his head. The second page a giraffe bends its neck. If you turn the pages for A.J. and read it fast, A.J. will shake his head, then nod, then shrug his shoulders, then wave his arms, then shake his hips. It's the funniest thing!

While A.J. has alone play time for forty-five minutes, I bring Gracie down to the living room where she plays quietly on a play mat in front of me. It's her version of alone time, where she doesn't see me behind her but I can see her. Then, I let her play either in her little car or with other toys, but she can see me. She smiles and stares at me. During this forty-five minutes, I get to write.

If we need to go to Costco or run an errand, I usually will take them after "alone play time," and just bring lunch with us.

At noon, we have lunch either outside if it's a beautiful sunny day (need to make the most of those here) or in the dining room. I nurse the baby again and feed her her cereal. After lunch, we might play outside or in their room.

At 2pm, the children take a two-hour nap. This is when I try to throw in a load of laundry and catch up on housework and take my lunch break. I already ate lunch somehow amidst helping A.J. with his lunch and feeding the baby, but it was by no means a break. I recently stopped giving myself a break and just tried to catch up on my never ending list of to-do's and cleaning, but after a few weeks, my body felt like it was breaking apart into little pieces, and one afternoon, Andrew had to send me away to take a break, upon which I fell onto the bed and wasn't sure if I had enough energy to take another breath. I suppose skipping my "lunch break" for several weeks caught up eventually.

At 4:00, the children wake up. I nurse Gracie in A.J.'s room, while he plays. Then I feed her her cereal. We go downstairs where the kids can play and I can fold laundry. Then, I might take them for a walk.

I prepare dinner, while A.J. might color, while sitting at his little table in the dining room, or I'll put him in his high chair next to me with some toys so he can watch me.

At 6pm we eat all together as a family.

Whenever we finish dinner, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen.

The evening are like this: on Mondays, we have a prayer meeting at our house at 7 p.m. People usually leave around 9. Every other Tuesday night is date night, and we have a babysitter for the kids. Every other Thursday, a couple we meet with comes over. Friday night is Bible study, Saturday is family day, and Sunday night we have evening service. In the midst of that, I feed the baby. If no one is over and we are home, Andrew plays with the kids while I clean up. He usually is the one who gets them ready for bed. The children go down for the night at 8:30 p.m. or so.

By the time people leave our house or we get home, it is past 9 or 10pm. If there's time, I try to straighten up the house. I shoot for 10:30 and when I get the chance, I collapse on the bed and go to sleep.

Basically, in the midst of taking care of the children's basic needs and all the chores, the real point of the whole day is training up the children in the nurture and discipline of the Lord. This is why I am at home with them. We really believe raising our children is such a weighty thing in this life. For instance, by the time a child is 5 years old, his personality is pretty much set for life. Emotional stability, an adult's vocabulary potential, and total muscle control are all established before age four or younger. Few impact a person more than their parents, whether for good or for bad; whether we give them the love and nurture they need or neglect them.

We study the Bible, read lots and lots of books, get lots of advice from godly people whose children bear the fruit of their parents' efforts, and listen to sermons on parenting to equip us for this overwhelming responsibility.

My greatest passion and desire for my children is to know and love the Lord with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength; and to not waste their lives but to live it all for His glory. This is my continual and constant prayer for them, as I ask the Lord to bless my efforts, to make the water into wine.

All day long is training opportunity. Right now, we are laying the foundation. So, for A.J., we are always trying to teach him to obey our authority and have self-control. This is totally counter to what society preaches, which has such low expectations for the abilities of children. Self-control is the basic necessity that they will need in every area of life for the rest of their lives. It won't matter if they are the most talented people in the world if they have no self-control to apply themselves. Additionally, we do not want our children to be an excuse for not being able to minister to others. We want to be able to carry on conversations with people without being continually interrupted and distracted. Our desire is for our children to be a blessing to others. This is the process we are currently in. And I always need prayer to be consistent with them, which is a struggle for me.

I also need to take care of them physically. Feeding them takes a large part of the day. Currently, I am reading a book a friend gave me about how to feed my children healthy foods, such as whole grains, organic foods, lots of fruit and vegetables, nuts, etc. My children are forcing me to learn how to eat more healthy.

My next priority is helping them develop intellectually. I try to read to them everyday, play classical music, and give them toys that will help their coordination, creativity, and teach them to recognize shapes, colors, and letters. I feel that as their mother it is my responsibility to help them become the most enhanced versions of what God has created them to be. I want them to be all that God has called them to be and glorify Him with every ability and personality trait that He has given them.

Amidst all of this, it's so important to us to bathe all of this training in love, affection, and encouragement, lest we crush their delicate fruit.

Everyday I beg the Lord for His help and wisdom to be able honor Him with this. This will only be by a miracle of God in their hearts, but at the same time, God works through means. And He has not given us commands ("Train up a child in the way He should go," among many others) that He cannot give us the grace and the wisdom how to obey. In fact, He promises to provide it it if we ask.

My old college pastor, Rick Holland, used to say: "You guys think you're busy now? You don't have a clue what busy is until you have a family and children." He was not kidding (and all the parents out there know exactly what I'm talking about). I would say that as long as 3 days took to pass pre-kids is about how long 6 months feels post-kids. So it feels like it's only been 6 days when a year has passed. Once recently, Andrew said to me, "The baby is like four or five weeks old, right?" She was six months old. If I hadn't been calculating her age a few days earilier, I might have asked him the same thing.

Though it's an overwhelming task and very busy, I love being a mom! I love the challenge, I love the privilege of this responsibility, and I love the opportunity that God has given me to serve Him through this. Additionally, the Lord uses parenting to break me of all my pride and selfishness. Though I often complain in the midst of that, I am always so grateful in retrospect. And most of all, these children are the funnest things in the whole world! They bring joy, constant laughter, and sweetness to our lives. Please do pray for us!

Bathroom Birth - All of Grace

By You I have been sustained from my birth;

You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.
My praise shall be continually of You.

Psalm 71:6

My birthing story was not supposed to be a bathroom story.

This was how my blog was supposed to begin, at least according to what had been floating through my mind the past several months:

I had never known what a midwife was before I moved to Washington. The most I could recall was that they had something to do with the Dark Ages. I had this vague picture of ladies dancing around a large black caldron in the forest...

Then I would continue that when we moved here, I quickly learned that as an alternative to a doctor, a midwife was actually a woman who was trained to deliver babies and could be quite skillful; and, that midwives still existed today and were well-respected. Several of my friends delivered their babies with Charlotte, who they all adored and and swore by. In fact, it often seemed that every time I met a woman, Charlotte was her midwife. And rather than the traumatic, nightmarish experience I had always heard birthing portrayed as, they described one in which childbirth was supposed to be a wonderful celebration, which a woman's body was designed to do. Though A.J. was born in a hospital, I chose to go with Charlotte for my second pregnancy. I was so eager to write about her, so that from my own experience I could attest to her giftedness and the amazing birth we had.

Well, the closest I ever got to Charlotte during our second baby's birth was when my cell phone dropped to the ground beside me and fizzled out in my blood, cutting Charlotte off the line.


It is 5:58 in the morning, March 27th 2006, and you are Charlotte answering your cell phone:

Charlotte: Special Delivery?
Grace: (calmly) Hi, Charlotte. This is Grace Mark. I think my water may have just broken. And I'm feeling - hold - on --
Soft thump as if cell phone drops to a carpet. Then, in the background, Grace screaming: Andreeeeeeeeeeew!!!
A moment.
Andrew: (calmly) Hi, Charlotte. This is Andrew...
In the background, Grace screams an excruciating wail calling out to God, shouting pleas to Him.
Silence.
Andrew: (breathing as if walking, speaking a little faster but still calmly) Um, I think Grace is going into labor.
Charlotte: (Furrows eyebrows straining her ears to get an idea of where Grace is in her labor) Okay, now can you make it to the Everett birthing center?
Andrew: Um --
Grace: (full blast) IT'S COMIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!
Half-second of silence.
Andrew: Oh my gosh it did come!
Hollow thump as if cell phone hits tile floor. Silence.

Charlotte stares wide-eyed at her phone, then looks to her assistant, who is flurrying around the room grabbing her keys and bags. She looks at the clock. It is 6:03 a.m. A woman who has been in labor for the past 48 hours is laying on her bed in the background.
Charlotte: (eyebrows furrowed) They're going to call us back, right? We still need directions.


When's the Baby Coming?

Labor with our first child, A.J. awakened me in the morning with contractions that were unmistakably two-and-a-half minutes apart. As the hours wore on, and the pain increased, I wasn't sure how much longer I could endure. By the fifth hour, I stopped progressing and the doctor had to break my water for me. From being awakened by my contractions to giving birth, it was about six hours. He arrived a few days within his due date.

This time, the night before I gave birth, I had insomnia, not uncommon during my pregnancies from the second trimester on. I was feeling some sensations in my lower abdomen, but I've had stomachaches that were worse. I started to time the sensations, but they didn't seem regular. I sat down with my What to Expect When You're Expecting book and began to read the section on "How to Know When You're in Labor" repeatedly. Everything that pertained to me said that true labor could be a month away or an hour away. With A.J., I was having false labor a month in advance and was walking around at 5 1/2 centimeters (you want to get to 10 cm.) for a week-and-a-half. Since none of what I was feeling coincided with my labor with A.J., and the book was shedding no new light, at 3:30 a.m. I decided to take it's advice to go to sleep. Anyway, the baby wasn't even due for another three weeks. Don't worry, the book assured me, if you're truly in labor you won't sleep through it.

5:30 a.m. I hear the shrill cry of Andrew's alarm clock. My heavy eyelids creep open, allowing in only a sliver of dawn light. I am dozing and waiting to hear Andrew stir, so I can ask him if maybe he'll stay home from work today. I have a feeling the baby might come. I try to speak, but the heavy weight of sleep seals my throat silent. Helpless, I pray that God will thwart Andrew from leaving if I am right. Dozing. Again, the sliver of grey, morning light. A few feet away, the kind of heat that emanates from someone deep in sleep floats towards me--my love has not deserted me for work yet. Suddenly I hear - and feel - a "pop." A gush of liquid. Uh-oh, I think. That fits the description of what my mother-in-law said happened when her water broke (course she still had 13 hours to go of labor).

Suddenly, I am screaming. I'm not sure why I'm screaming. Am I in pain? Am I just panicking? Confused?

Then, just as suddenly, I stop screaming.

I get up from our bed and amble to the bathroom. I call for Andrew.

I start screaming. Andrew comes into the bathroom. I ask him to pray for me. The screaming stops.

I dial my midwife on my cell phone. "Hi, Charlotte. Um, I think my water broke."

I return to our bedroom. "Hold - on -- " I drop my cell phone onto the carpet and stride into the hallway shouting at the top of my lungs. I walk into the hall bathroom, place my palms onto the counter, lean on it, and cry out to God. "OH LOOOOOOORRRRRRRD!!! I CRY OUT TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!!! PLEEEEEESE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't know what's going on. My screaming seems involuntary and is so intense I'm not sure if I am in pain or just confused. Perhaps the pain is so profound it is like sticking your hand under water so frigid that for a moment you're not sure if it's scalding or freezing. If you had asked me then if I was in pain, I probably would have told you I didn't know. Suddenly, I feel the urge to push. Oh, I better not push, I think. The book said if you feel the urge to push, don't, because a baby might come.

Then, just as quickly as it had started, in a moment, perfect calm.

No pain at all.

I'm talking to God out loud. Suddenly it starts again. Unlike a normal contraction in which one can describe how it feels and where, this just feels like my entire body is about to explode all over the flesh-colored tiles of the shower and walls. "ANDREEEEEEEEEEEW!" I scream.

It is as if my body has cracked wide open with three massive contractions.

Andrew is in the bathroom with me now. I am facing him. "Okay, Grace. Okay," he puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye. Relaying what Charlotte is saying, he says, "Now just breathe." For a moment, I think I'm wrong. Perhaps I am just in the breathing-through-my-contractions stage of labor that Andrew apparently thinks I'm in. I blow air out of my mouth: Puh puh puh like the nurse had instructed during A.J.'s birth, trying to delay me while the doctor sat down to prepare to catch A.J.. Eyes wide open, I'm trying to focus on Andrew's large eyes. But the urge to push is like a locomotive speeding down the tracks. I realize, there is no way I can "puh puh puh" twenty minutes or more until my midwife arrives.

Then, for the first time this entire experience, I recognize a feeling that is similar to labor with A.J. -- the baby's head pushing to slide down. I realize Andrew does not understand what is really happening. I feel an enormous urge to push. "IT'S COMIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

It is as if I can see what is happening in my birth canal. First the head, then the arms, then the legs bent at the knees. The baby shoots through me like a massive bullet.

It happens so fast that what I had anticipated to be the most excruciating part--hadn't even hurt. "Oh my gosh it did come!" Andrew drops my cell phone onto the floor and picks the baby up. By God's grace, he remembers what he had seen the doctor do at A.J.'s birth (and a Rescue 9-1-1 episode from his childhood), and begins to lightly tap the baby on the back and clear her mouth of any fluid. He delicately helps her open her mouth to get the baby (gender still unknown) to take her first breath.

From awakening to birth, probably no more than 15 minutes has transpired.


Lying on the Floor

Charlotte tells Andrew on the phone to have me lay down on the floor. Now, after you give birth, your body starts pumping adrenaline. So, I am thinking clearly at this point: Okay, Grace. Now you have to stay alive and the baby has to stay alive, so stay focused, and no matter what happens, don't pass out, and make sure the baby doesn't start turning blue.

Andrew is not one to panic, but once the baby starts breathing, he stares quietly at the wall. He gently pats baby's back, occasionally looks at baby, but mostly just stares at the wall. Maybe he is in shock. So, in check-off list fashion, I tell Andrew what to do:

Call Charlotte back to give her directions. There's blood on the floor. Tell Charlotte there's blood on the floor.

She says to call 9-1-1.

Andrew leaves the bathroom to grab the landline in the kitchen and dials 9-1-1, while Charlotte is on his cell phone.

My legs are convulsing. Tell her my legs are convulsing.

She says it's because of the adrenaline.

I'm cold I'm cold I'm cold. I'm soooo cold. Blankets. Blankets. Blankets. I need blankets.

He covers me with a blanket while he is giving directions to Charlotte. He wraps the baby in a towel and places her on my chest.

I'm cold. I need blankets.

Another blanket.

I'm cold.

Another blanket.

I'm cold.

A space heater and a blanket.

Finally: "Where's the ambulance?" I ask.

Twenty minutes from the call, the ambulance finally arrives. We later find out all emergency workers have just left to put out a house fire. EMTs from the next town, ten minutes away, have to come instead.

I had pictured giving birth at my midwife's birthing center in a jacuzzi birthing tub surrounded by women. It was supposed to happen at night and candles would be lit all over the room. Plop, the baby would come out and the warm water and my midwife's coaching might make me feel no pain. Afterwards, I would make my way across a few feet of hardwood floor and lay down on a king-sized bed. Things had gone as I had pictured it my first birth. I thought, other than the painless part, everything else might come true.

Well, rather than women, I am surrounded by big EMT guys who look like they would be more comfortable at a fire. Rather than a king-sized bed, I am laying in my blood on a cold, tile bathroom floor.

My midwife's assistant, April, arrives just after the ambulance. She helps me deliver my placenta (a half hour has already passed and I am running the risk of getting an infection if I don't deliver it soon) and stays with me in the hospital until the doctor is done working on the baby and me.

I am so incredibly thankful Andrew was there when this happened. Normally, he would have slipped out as early as 5:15 a.m. without waking me. But by God's grace, he overslept. I am so thankful that nothing can thwart the will of God. I don't like to even imagine what I would have done if he hadn't been there or if something else had gone wrong. There is God's sovereign plan and only God's sovereign plan. It can go no other way - Praise God.

While all of the surrounding circumstances went wrong - an unexpected birth, a late ambulance, and a midwife in the middle of delivering another baby (which almost never happens. After a 48-hour labor that baby was born an hour after mine), the Lord allowed our precious Grace Olivia and me to be perfectly healthy.

God was so gracious to us also in how our church was such a comfort to us. As soon as they heard what happened, a bunch of people came over, cleaned our bathroom and our whole place, decorating our room with our first baby girl things, trying to make our home as warm and welcoming as possible for our return. A constant flow of visitors kept us company in the hospital. And since the baby came sooner than expected, they sent meals daily to our home the three weeks until my mother was scheduled to come.


Olive Grace
Originally, we had chosen "Madeleine" if it was a girl (my favorite childhood author was Madeleine L'Engle). We had discussed naming her Grace, since my mother's name is also Grace and I wanted to pass on the tradition, but had decided to wait until the next daughter.

When this happened, however, I wanted her name always to remind us of how kind the Lord had been to us. "Grace" is a gift of God, though we deserve the opposite. I wanted to constantly be reminded of how God's grace had brought her into this world and kept her alive. I also wanted to remember that even though it wasn't what I had wanted, it was God's grace that I didn't have enough time to get to the birthing center. God's grace had caused Andrew to oversleep and allowed her to be born safely; He was fully capable of allowing me to know I was in labor sooner, but this was His better plan.

A.J. and O.J. ("Olive Juice")
I wanted her name to mean something like, "Grace All-sufficient," or "grace abundant." At the hospital, we were listening to a song by a friend of ours called It’s All of Grace (Click to listen)>. In all seriousness, I said to Andrew, "We could name her Olive Grace. Get it? Ol-ive Grace!" I relayed the story to my sister, Gayle, the next day and said my hormones must have been doing crazy things because that was like a bad knock-knock joke. (Like "Orange. Orange-you glad I didn't say banana?") Then Gayle said she always liked the name Olive, because an olive is a symbol of abundance and plenty. She then read me Psalm 128, which included: "...your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD. (Psalm 128:3-4). So, All-of Grace, or Olive Grace meant exactly what I was going for - both ways! Andrew then suggested the name Olivia. We settled upon Grace Olivia Mark as her full name.

Andrew calls her "Gracie" and I call her "Olivia." It took a few months before we settled on A.J.'s nickname afterall. We figure Olivia's nickname will also just come.

We went to California!

So, our new baby is due to arrive within the next few weeks. The official due date is April 9th, but I think it's earlier. They used to say the due date was in late March, but when the baby was small in the ultrasound, they pushed it to April 9th. I just think the baby is probably little.

Sometimes, we like to just jump in the car and see where it takes us. Well, when it took us to Seattle a few weekends ago, we thought: "We should go to Northern California." Both of us were craving the sunshine, food, the feel of home. After considering it for a moment, we realized we probably couldn't just take off right then. So we waited two weeks, and the three of us drove the 12 hours down to NorCal the first weekend in March. Since I was so pregnant, we thought we'd have to stop a lot and it would take us longer to get there, but we did it in one shot and arrived Thursday night. We drove back Sunday but got stuck in Redding till Monday morning, because the 5 closed on the pass through the mountains, which is extremely unusual, due to the snow.

We visted my brothers and their families and had lunch with Jaime Kong.

While we were in California, my 3 and 5 year-old nieces held A.J.'s hand and helped him to walk all over their house. By the end of the weekend, he was full blown walking all by himself. He's a big boy now.

It was great to see my brothers and their families. Both their wives are pregnant also, though my brothers are 14 and 15 years older than me. One of their babies is due right about now.

I love the sun, all the different kinds of food that are so accessible, and all the different kinds of people and cultures there are in California. It's such a stimulating place. My brothers have lived there since I was a kid and I have been visiting them for so long, that California seems almost as much home to me as New Jersey is. I love how the two places are so extremely different though, almost like different countries. We also got to get some really good boba with Jaime Kong. I'm not sure the trip would have felt complete if we hadn't. Andrew had to wait in line for it for a half hour, but it was worth it.

This pregnancy has turned out to be much better than the last pregnancy. (Thank goodness!) But since we've been back from California, I've been feeling extremely tired. Prior to that, I was feeling so good, I didn't feel in a hurry to go through the birthing process. But I am so uncomfortable nowadays, I am ready. I am so excited for the baby to come. I can't wait!

A.J. after a Year

This month marked A.J.'s one year birthday. I thought I would share some of the joys of having him.

AJ at 3 minutes old
- I love holding him in my arms on the chair in his room while he drinks his milk after he wakes up.
- I love when he come to me, rests his head on my shoulder or my lap, then inserts his thumb into his mouth.
- I love hugs from him.
- He's so sweet when he eats and is so hungry. He sits there quietly as he shovels the food into his mouth and stares ahead as he concentrates on chewing it.
- I love training him, watching him grow and make progress, seeing his little victories, keeping track of them, and rejoicing with him as he grows in independence. Like when he first fed himself with a spoon. He would look up at us, his eyes wide, his lips turned up, and mouth open, waiting for us to say: "Yay, A.J.! You did it! That's right! You did it!"
- He's so fun and energetic. He smiles all the time and laughs these great belly laughs.
- Seeing the fruit of training when he eventually obeys, just when it seems like it's never going to happen and I feel just about ready to give up.
- Seeing how he can understand when we talk to him.
- Reading to him and showing him the world, especially when he finds the book appealing, like The Hungry Caterpiller. After reading to him daily for a year and him being mostly indifferent, he's finally beginning to seem really intersted in books (other than just The Hungry Caterpiller). Just this week, he even started picking them up himself and looking through them as he sits on the floor. It's so cute. Or you should see him stick his neck out and try to look at the Bible I'm reading him while I'm sitting across from him and he's in his high chair.

We are so thankful to the Lord for giving us precious A.J. We are overwhelmed by His undeserved goodness to us.

AJ's first birthday