I was so tired last night that just laid down and fell asleep as Grace was putting the kids to bed. I didn't have energy to eat my last meal through my feeding tube, take my medications or do anything for my wounds. When I woke up a little before midnight i just felt so unmotivated, and cringed at the thought of dragging myself out of bed to do a whole list a things in my nighttime routine. I thought to myself, is this what life if going to be like? Constantly fighting pain and infections, and being hungry but dreading feeding yourself because it is so unsatisfying to eat through a tube in your stomach.
It didn't take long for my mind to spiral into a hellish cycle of worthless thoughts. Whats the point of fighting to live? Will life be satisfying ever again? Will I ever feel better? Will I ever eat or taste again? I'm a terrible, useless, husband and father...I just want to give up.
Thankfully Grace entered the room shortly after and I told her what I was thinking. She cried and said, "You can't give up, I need you. I need you! I married you so that we could grow old together. I need you, Andrew!" Grace then read to me from Romans 8 and I was reminded that this suffering is not about me, but about glorifying God. God has chosen me to suffer for His sake.
Rom 8:16-18
16The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,
17and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Grace then started going down the list of comments of our blog and reading them to me. I'm so amazed that our readers are encouraged by what we write. When others are edified through our suffering it gives me a sense of purpose. If we can help others be happier, especially happier in God then it is worth it. It doesn't make it easier, but it encourages me to fight on.
Please keep praying that there will be no more cancer in my body, that my jaw would miraculously heal and God would restore my speech and swallowing.
you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, andrew and grace! (and kids!) i have to come to love you guys a lot just by reading your blog. be encouraged, and don't give up!
ReplyDeleteI'm crying and praying with you. Dear brother and sister in Christ. Your faith is a modern-day miracle and God will continue you to sustain it and compelete it until the day of Christ! I just read through Romans 8 the other day as well. Praise God we have an advocate when we don't know what to pray!
ReplyDeleteMuch love to all of you.
-Janea
Dear Andrew and Grace:
ReplyDeleteWe keep praying that Andrew will gain his strength and ability to swallow as each day goes by. God is holding both of you in His hands.
Have a great week,
Blessings,
Gloria, NJ
Andrew and Grace,
ReplyDeleteI am encouraged to fight and persevere and look forward to the coming of the Kingdom of Light everytime I read your blog. I am praying for you.
Cheryl Frueh (NJ)
You and Grace are so incredibly amazing Andrew. God is being glorified through your cancer in a big big way and our family is praising him for that. We love you guys tremendously and are praying everyday for you both.
ReplyDeleteMark and Kim Suchta
Dear Andrew and Grace,
ReplyDeleteHello, you don't know me, but I have been keeping up with your story through Heather Hitzeroth's blog. Your story has touched me so deeply. My family has been through several medical issues and your story has been inspirational to me. I am praying for the both of you and your beautiful children. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone.
we are encouraged and we continue to pray for you guys
ReplyDelete-Steven & Angie
it's just a dip in the road, brother, but you're still on that perfect road that the Lord has chosen for you. thank you for being candid with us. i am praying through tears, but tears of hope. God is very, very good.
ReplyDeleteHey Andrew,
ReplyDeleteIt's you old youth leader @ RCCC back in the day- Mike Chang! Dennis Liu and I were talking about what a warrior and champion for Christ you are! My wife and 7 kids will be praying for you, Grace, and your kids.
Philippians 1:3-6
3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
grace & andrew,
ReplyDeletefind encouragement in the knowledge that you constantly remind us in our own suffering to look outside ourselves to the greater purpose the Lord has for us in it. it encourages us to fight on as well. we're praying for you always.
love,
angie & dan thornton (senegal)
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI was really happy to see you at Steve and Amanda's wedding....I really felt how brave you are and how much you are willing to fight this cancer not only for you but for your whole family. Not to mention those who are going through the same thing you are going through, if they are around you, you definetely will inspire them as much as you have inspired all of us.
I love how you both perform task of "selflessness". You put the kids ahead of yourselves....they are both lucky to have parents like both of you.
The lord is good, I hope he helps you through these days of trial.....be strong and keep on fighting. Your family is here for you.....we will fight with you.
I will pray for you and hope that your jaw rejuvenates by itself.
The sunday at Tita Baby, I spoke to Tito Roming, I mentioned how much I was feeling your pain, I said Tito is Andrew going to be okay, he said, Baby One, do not doubt, Andrew will be okay, just imagine him out of cancer...and that is what I have been doing.....picturing your healthy self back...
Lot's of Love,
Ivone (B1)
Hi Andrew and Grace,
ReplyDeleteWe are keeping up to date with your progress on your blog here. Sorry to hear of the ups and downs, but please know we are all thinking of you at Motorola. Everybody asks me about you all the time. You take care and know we are thinking of you and Grace and family and hoping for full recovery for you. I can't begin to imagine what you are going thru, but thank you for sharing your experience with others. You and Grace have so much strength.
Chris Burdett