Decisions, decision...postponed
We still haven't made any decisions yet.
On Friday, Andrew had his feeding tube put into his stomach. Last second, despite giving him all kinds of relaxants and pain meds, they decided given Andrew's history of complications, it would be safer to use anesthesia on him. And since it's not advisable to mix anesthesia with Erbitux, one of the chemo drugs that Andrew was supposed to get a loading dose of afterwards, Erbitux was postponed until tomorrow (Tuesday). Since radiation can't start for a few days after Erbitux, we are not scheduled to start radiation until next Monday, May 5th.
Of course, there were complications during his surgery. So instead of getting out of the operating room at 9am and going to the clinic next door to get his 11am chemo, we got out of the hospital at 5pm without any chemo.
Cancer, cancer, cancer...
Last week was jam-packed with hospital visits. Originally, we only had doctor appointments for Tuesday. But since Andrew is still an out-patient, we find ourselves still subject to the doctor's schedules just like when we were in the hospital. We were at the doctors' all day each day except Thursday, either for additional questions or concerns. Then this weekend was very busy too. I found myself feeling incredibly frustrated and anxious. I kept going to the Lord about it, knowing no one could fix our problems and no one could provide relief or peace except for Him. Throughout this whole situation, I know that I am at the end of myself, but this weekend I felt even past the end of myself.
Today, I was going crazy. Every day we spend so much time talking to doctors, consulting, asking questions, either in person, or making phone calls, attempting to get in touch with people (to no avail) who specialize in young people who get oral cancer, such as at M.D. Anderson in Texas or Sloan Kettering in New York. We usually are on speaker phone when it's a phone call with one of our many doctors so that both of us can hear. I never go over in minutes until nowadays. Cancer cancer cancer. It felt like all that ever came out of my mouth or into my ears was cancer. And I missed my husband. His new pain med for his excruciating feeding tube has made him so tired and distracted by his pain. I can't even hug him because there's nowhere to hug him. All I want is my husband and to be with him, yet, even though he is right in front of me, cancer is in our way.
I called up my friend Sam, who is in our small group at church and also lives a few blocks away. She is my right-hand (wo)man. She anticipates any of our needs before we realize it's a need, or occasionally I will tell her of a need, and she will delegate it to one of her teams for childcare, house-cleaning, or whatever other team she has. In the process of her always inquiring and planning about our needs, I have come to rely upon her as a confidante as well. Any time I'm incredibly discouraged and can't find my way out of it on my own, I feel safe calling her. She lets me cry and doesn't try to find the right words to say to me. She says things like, "I wish there were magical words to say to you to make things better," or "Every day I wake up wondering, 'What must it feel like to be Grace today?' but I know I just can't even begin to imagine." And so instead of trying to give me a pep talk, which would probably feel like a knife in my abdomen, she prays for me. And the Lord always answers and helps me.
This day, when I called her, aside from crying, I wanted to ask her if she could get some coffee with me, but I knew her kids were already home from school, and I didn't want to bother her. So I prayed that if it was the Lord's will that she would ask me instead. While we were on the phone, her daughter wrote a note to her asking if she and her brother could go over their neighbor's house to play. Then, after Sam prayed for me, she asked me if we could meet for coffee.
I think it was just what I needed. I needed to get out of the house and laugh and talk with someone about something other than cancer. I think the reason why Sam is able to minister to me so effectively, even when I feel so raw anything would hurt me, is because she doesn't rely upon herself to do it. I think it's because she answers everything with prayer. I feel like I can breathe again, and I am so thankful that the Lord takes care of us through so many different means. Sometimes, it's just through His Word alone with Him, sometimes it's through a message that's preached, sometimes it's through another sister in the Lord. We need the brethren so much and we can't make it through life, let alone this without them.
Drinks
For the past few weeks, I juice all day long for Andrew to supplement his liquid feedings, and I absolutely love it. Somehow, God has given me so much enjoyment in all the different aspects of being Andrew's nurse. As I went to the store today to pick up more veggies for Andrew, I was so amazed at all the different vegetables God has made and with so many nutrients and healing properties. Today, the new vegetable I introduced to Andrew's tummy was red chard. It's a really large, green leaf with red veins. It is super-rich in Vitamins K, A, C, magnesium, manganese, potassium, iron, vitamin E, and dietary fiber, among many other things. I stand amazed at the God who made it all so beautiful with such creativity and variety, and such kindness to nourish us with it.
Please pray:
- That Andrew wouldn't have any side-effects from the Erbitux, long or short-term
- Complete healing
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
I just don't know...
Our family is faced with the toughest decision yet. The docs at Mayo and my radiation oncologists think that my best chances of survival are to do another surgery and remove everything - remaining part of tongue, voice box, epiglotis, etc. That would mean that I would not be able to talk, eat, or smell, and I would breathe out of a hole in my neck. The radiation oncologists at Mayo and UMN think that this cancer is radiation resistant because it didn't die with last year's radiation so they don't think radiation will work this year.
It is believed that a massive surgery would increase my chances of cure, but not by very much. We had asked Dr. Yueh to do whatever it took during my surgery in March to remove the cancer, even if I could never eat or talk again but he opted not to cut it all out at that time because seeing the aggressiveness if my tumor and how it was scattered rather than in a single mass, it was unlikely that removing everything would get it all anyways. Dr. Moore at the Mayo Clinic thinks there might be a slightly better chance of survival if I was willing to do the surgery. The only thing is that Dr. Moore at Mayo wasn't the one who operated on me, so he didn't see how the tumor was behaving firsthand. On the other hand Dr. Yueh was able to see exactly how the tumor was behaving and made a decision in the operating room based on his extensive experience.
So I have 3 options:
1) A second course of radiation and chemotherapy
2) A third surgery plus a second course of radiation and chemo
3) Seek alternative therapies such a immunotherapy, nutrition, etc.
At this time there is not enough evidence that shows that a major surgery will greatly increase my chances of survival. If it was clear that I would survive, or perhaps have a decent chance at survival, then I would definately do it. Otherwise, I'm not so sure it is worth it because of is would greatly affect the quality of life that I have left. Besides, after having 2 surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy, a third surgery could have life threatening complications.
Please pray for claritiy in this decision, and that God would heal me of this disease and allow me to be a husband to my wife and a father to my children for years to come.
I am going to start chemotherapy tomorrow anyways, and radiation starts next Monday. So I have until the end of this week to decide. I am trying to get an opinion from Sloan Kettering and MD Anderson, and asking more questions of Dr. Yueh and Dr. Moore this week. Pray that those meetings will bring clarity to the decision.
It is believed that a massive surgery would increase my chances of cure, but not by very much. We had asked Dr. Yueh to do whatever it took during my surgery in March to remove the cancer, even if I could never eat or talk again but he opted not to cut it all out at that time because seeing the aggressiveness if my tumor and how it was scattered rather than in a single mass, it was unlikely that removing everything would get it all anyways. Dr. Moore at the Mayo Clinic thinks there might be a slightly better chance of survival if I was willing to do the surgery. The only thing is that Dr. Moore at Mayo wasn't the one who operated on me, so he didn't see how the tumor was behaving firsthand. On the other hand Dr. Yueh was able to see exactly how the tumor was behaving and made a decision in the operating room based on his extensive experience.
So I have 3 options:
1) A second course of radiation and chemotherapy
2) A third surgery plus a second course of radiation and chemo
3) Seek alternative therapies such a immunotherapy, nutrition, etc.
At this time there is not enough evidence that shows that a major surgery will greatly increase my chances of survival. If it was clear that I would survive, or perhaps have a decent chance at survival, then I would definately do it. Otherwise, I'm not so sure it is worth it because of is would greatly affect the quality of life that I have left. Besides, after having 2 surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy, a third surgery could have life threatening complications.
Please pray for claritiy in this decision, and that God would heal me of this disease and allow me to be a husband to my wife and a father to my children for years to come.
I am going to start chemotherapy tomorrow anyways, and radiation starts next Monday. So I have until the end of this week to decide. I am trying to get an opinion from Sloan Kettering and MD Anderson, and asking more questions of Dr. Yueh and Dr. Moore this week. Pray that those meetings will bring clarity to the decision.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
What I Haven't Told You
I praise God everyday that Andrew has a voicebox.
On the day of the surgery, in the evening the nurse said we were free to leave and have dinner.
Nonetheless, while we were at dinner, the doctor called me, unsure if he should remove Andrew’s voicebox. The music was playing loud in the restaurant and I was having trouble hearing him. They hadn't originally anticipated the cancer being this far down his throat. He said he didn’t want to do it without Andrew knowing it.
I was trying to convince the doctor that he must remove Andrew’s voicebox if it meant saving his life. I was breathing hard. I said, “I know that Andrew would rather lose his voicebox than his life.”
The doctor was trying to explain how based on what he could see, it didn't appear to him that it was the right thing to do.
“Andrew told me when he was trying to think of possible scenarios of decisions I might have to make that if it turns out the tumor is actually encasing his carotid artery,” I could feel my breath getting colder with each inhale; its coldness reaching deeper and deeper into my throat. I wasn’t sure if the doctor would care to hear this, since the carotid, a major artery, had nothing to do with the voicebox. “He said. He said,” I was trying to breath.
“Yes, he said…?” the doctor asked.
I took another breath. “He said if there is a chance of him dying on the table if they try to remove it, or if he will only live a month afterwards if they don’t remove it, then he wanted them to try to remove the cancer.”
“He said that?”
“Yes,” I said. I was on the verge of hyperventilating. I was scanning the room, looking for an answer to the question of how to keep myself from fainting. “Listen, I can’t make this decision right now. I brought my father-in-law with me to help me make any major decisions. Can I have a few minutes to talk with him and I’ll tell you back at the hospital?”
“Yes,” he said.
As my sister and my father-in-law and I rushed around the corner to the hospital, I had my sister call the church to get everyone to pray. Then, the three of us prayed that God would make clear to us what decision to make and that the doctors would be able to clearly explain to us the actual situation. We prayed that God would save Andrew’s voicebox but most of all his life.
When we returned to the hospital and Dr. Yueh came out of the operating room to talk to me, I was prepared with a vengeance to convince him to remove my husband’s voicebox. It was no use saving it if we were going to lose it along with the rest of him a short time later. But in the time that we had between talking on the phone and talking in person, Dr. Yueh had continued working in the operating room. He had removed the hyoid bone, the bone on top of the voice box. When they examined the bone, they found that the tumor had gone right up against the hyoid bone, but it had not reached the other side of it that touched the voice box. There was no decision to be made. There was no tumor on the voicebox.
Now that I have been able to hear Andrew's voice again - I wasn't sure if I ever would - I have been savoring it for the past few weeks. It is hard for me to imagine ever being so desperate to get his voice box out of him now that he is not on an operating table with only moments to make a decision.
Nonetheless, the surgeon explained to me that while they had removed the cancerous mass, the gross tumor, from Andrew’s body, when they put it under the microscope, they saw that there were scattered cancerous cells in the margin around the cancer. I will do my best to explain what he said, but it's extremely confusing and even perplexing for the doctors, so I'm not sure you'll understand it. The cancer was jumping around in an abnormal, unpredictable way, which can happen if a tumor returns to an area that's already been treated with surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. They felt that there was no way to tell how far the cells had scattered, and for all they knew there could be a random cancer cell in Andrew’s big toe. They couldn’t keep cutting because they may never stop. Yet, because the cells were not in a mass, they could not be picked up in scans (scans only pick up things larger than a centimeter) and could only be seen when cut out of the body and put under a microscope. For this reason, our only option for treatment is radiation and chemotherapy. If this doesn’t work, the surgeon doesn’t think there is anything else he can do for him, as Andrew had an incredibly extensive surgery that they do not do for most people. They say this surgery is probably around the top three most extensive surgeries, open heart surgery being first.
Treatment
Early next week Andrew will be starting his 6 weeks of radiation and cancer treatments at either the University of Minnesota or the Mayo Clinic. He will do radiation 5 days a week, which takes about a half hour each time, and chemotherapy, which is given through an IV, once a week.
Short-term side-effects include a weak immune system, nausea, incredible exhaustion, severe burns and blistering in mouth and neck, acne, an ichy rash... Long-term there is a chance of destroying Andrew’s vocal chords, risk of radiation-induced cancer in 5 to 10 years, burning out any of the saliva glands Andrew has left, and destroying any chances Andrew has of swallowing again to name a few. We really don’t even know if we are doing more harm than good, but we don’t have any treatment options left.
As far as radiation goes, you’re only supposed to have it done once in the same area. This is Andrew’s second time. They will radiate the mouth and neck, all the areas that Andrew was operated on. They will not be treating his spinal chord, which is in that vicinity and had been radiated last time, because if you over-radiate it and destroy it, then he will be paralyzed from the neck down.
As for chemotherapy, in general, it cannot destroy a tumor for this type of cancer by itself. It is only used to enhance the effects of the radiation. We are still deciding whether to use two chemotherapy drugs or three – carboplatin, taxol, and maybe erbitux.
To sum up, this session of radiation and chemotherapy is the last chance the doctors have at saving Andrew’s life. A couple of our doctors slip that this is a “last ditch effort.”
All we know is that God is good and that He is in control, not the doctors, not us, not anything else.
Please pray for:
1. COMPLETE HEALING AND RESTORATION.
- That the treatments would be effective and that God would completely eradicate the cancer in
Andrew’s body.
- That Andrew would be able to swallow and taste one day again.
2. Wisdom and skill for the doctors and us as we finalize our treatment plans.
3. That there would be minimal to no side-effects while Andrew is in treatment nor long-term
side-effects.
Praises:
1. Praise that Andrew has been feeling physically better and more encouraged each day. Andrew says he has been encouraged by the Word, the brethren, and the preaching on Sundays.
2. That God answered Diane Dailey’s prayer that the kids would still be able to be children yet understand way beyond anything we could expect so that they could be a help to us rather than an additional difficulty. Since she prayed that at our weekly prayer for Andrew’s healing in our house, A.J. says all the time: “I will take care of you and Papa. And the way I will take care of you is to obey you. I love to obey you. I love to take care of you.” And he has been trying with all of his might to do so. He really has been such a blessing and a help in that way.
On the day of the surgery, in the evening the nurse said we were free to leave and have dinner.
Nonetheless, while we were at dinner, the doctor called me, unsure if he should remove Andrew’s voicebox. The music was playing loud in the restaurant and I was having trouble hearing him. They hadn't originally anticipated the cancer being this far down his throat. He said he didn’t want to do it without Andrew knowing it.
I was trying to convince the doctor that he must remove Andrew’s voicebox if it meant saving his life. I was breathing hard. I said, “I know that Andrew would rather lose his voicebox than his life.”
The doctor was trying to explain how based on what he could see, it didn't appear to him that it was the right thing to do.
“Andrew told me when he was trying to think of possible scenarios of decisions I might have to make that if it turns out the tumor is actually encasing his carotid artery,” I could feel my breath getting colder with each inhale; its coldness reaching deeper and deeper into my throat. I wasn’t sure if the doctor would care to hear this, since the carotid, a major artery, had nothing to do with the voicebox. “He said. He said,” I was trying to breath.
“Yes, he said…?” the doctor asked.
I took another breath. “He said if there is a chance of him dying on the table if they try to remove it, or if he will only live a month afterwards if they don’t remove it, then he wanted them to try to remove the cancer.”
“He said that?”
“Yes,” I said. I was on the verge of hyperventilating. I was scanning the room, looking for an answer to the question of how to keep myself from fainting. “Listen, I can’t make this decision right now. I brought my father-in-law with me to help me make any major decisions. Can I have a few minutes to talk with him and I’ll tell you back at the hospital?”
“Yes,” he said.
As my sister and my father-in-law and I rushed around the corner to the hospital, I had my sister call the church to get everyone to pray. Then, the three of us prayed that God would make clear to us what decision to make and that the doctors would be able to clearly explain to us the actual situation. We prayed that God would save Andrew’s voicebox but most of all his life.
When we returned to the hospital and Dr. Yueh came out of the operating room to talk to me, I was prepared with a vengeance to convince him to remove my husband’s voicebox. It was no use saving it if we were going to lose it along with the rest of him a short time later. But in the time that we had between talking on the phone and talking in person, Dr. Yueh had continued working in the operating room. He had removed the hyoid bone, the bone on top of the voice box. When they examined the bone, they found that the tumor had gone right up against the hyoid bone, but it had not reached the other side of it that touched the voice box. There was no decision to be made. There was no tumor on the voicebox.
Now that I have been able to hear Andrew's voice again - I wasn't sure if I ever would - I have been savoring it for the past few weeks. It is hard for me to imagine ever being so desperate to get his voice box out of him now that he is not on an operating table with only moments to make a decision.
Nonetheless, the surgeon explained to me that while they had removed the cancerous mass, the gross tumor, from Andrew’s body, when they put it under the microscope, they saw that there were scattered cancerous cells in the margin around the cancer. I will do my best to explain what he said, but it's extremely confusing and even perplexing for the doctors, so I'm not sure you'll understand it. The cancer was jumping around in an abnormal, unpredictable way, which can happen if a tumor returns to an area that's already been treated with surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. They felt that there was no way to tell how far the cells had scattered, and for all they knew there could be a random cancer cell in Andrew’s big toe. They couldn’t keep cutting because they may never stop. Yet, because the cells were not in a mass, they could not be picked up in scans (scans only pick up things larger than a centimeter) and could only be seen when cut out of the body and put under a microscope. For this reason, our only option for treatment is radiation and chemotherapy. If this doesn’t work, the surgeon doesn’t think there is anything else he can do for him, as Andrew had an incredibly extensive surgery that they do not do for most people. They say this surgery is probably around the top three most extensive surgeries, open heart surgery being first.
Treatment
Early next week Andrew will be starting his 6 weeks of radiation and cancer treatments at either the University of Minnesota or the Mayo Clinic. He will do radiation 5 days a week, which takes about a half hour each time, and chemotherapy, which is given through an IV, once a week.
Short-term side-effects include a weak immune system, nausea, incredible exhaustion, severe burns and blistering in mouth and neck, acne, an ichy rash... Long-term there is a chance of destroying Andrew’s vocal chords, risk of radiation-induced cancer in 5 to 10 years, burning out any of the saliva glands Andrew has left, and destroying any chances Andrew has of swallowing again to name a few. We really don’t even know if we are doing more harm than good, but we don’t have any treatment options left.
As far as radiation goes, you’re only supposed to have it done once in the same area. This is Andrew’s second time. They will radiate the mouth and neck, all the areas that Andrew was operated on. They will not be treating his spinal chord, which is in that vicinity and had been radiated last time, because if you over-radiate it and destroy it, then he will be paralyzed from the neck down.
As for chemotherapy, in general, it cannot destroy a tumor for this type of cancer by itself. It is only used to enhance the effects of the radiation. We are still deciding whether to use two chemotherapy drugs or three – carboplatin, taxol, and maybe erbitux.
To sum up, this session of radiation and chemotherapy is the last chance the doctors have at saving Andrew’s life. A couple of our doctors slip that this is a “last ditch effort.”
All we know is that God is good and that He is in control, not the doctors, not us, not anything else.
Please pray for:
1. COMPLETE HEALING AND RESTORATION.
- That the treatments would be effective and that God would completely eradicate the cancer in
Andrew’s body.
- That Andrew would be able to swallow and taste one day again.
2. Wisdom and skill for the doctors and us as we finalize our treatment plans.
3. That there would be minimal to no side-effects while Andrew is in treatment nor long-term
side-effects.
Praises:
1. Praise that Andrew has been feeling physically better and more encouraged each day. Andrew says he has been encouraged by the Word, the brethren, and the preaching on Sundays.
2. That God answered Diane Dailey’s prayer that the kids would still be able to be children yet understand way beyond anything we could expect so that they could be a help to us rather than an additional difficulty. Since she prayed that at our weekly prayer for Andrew’s healing in our house, A.J. says all the time: “I will take care of you and Papa. And the way I will take care of you is to obey you. I love to obey you. I love to take care of you.” And he has been trying with all of his might to do so. He really has been such a blessing and a help in that way.
Monday, April 21, 2008
It's not fair!
ANDREW WRITES:
One of the hardest parts of the day is to sit with my family and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. An abundance of my favorite foods are strewn out across the table and my nostrils are filled with rich aromas of garlic, and breads, and pasta and sauces. I suddenly feel envious of others who get to taste and eat rather than having to inject medical formula directly into their stomach with a syringe. My mouth waters as I cherish vivid memories of being satisfied with a hearty meal after a long workout at the gym. Then I cringe in fear of not being able to experience that ever again. To be hungry for the rest of my life.
Can there be anything on God's good earth that is more satisfying than my wife's lentil soup or my mom's chinese cooking? Food is a wonderful thing and it used to bring me so much joy and satisfaction, but can I still have joy without it?
I struggle all day long to answer yes to that question. People often express their deep sympathy to me and say, "its just not fair that you would have to go through this. That really sucks". I often struggle in my mind thinking the same thing. The truth is that it isn't fair. My life just isn't fair.
Lets look at just a few of the facts of my unfair life.
1) Born 9/11/81 to loving parents, David and Joyce Mark.
2) My parents loved me.
3) My parents loved me so much that they never gave up on me despite my disrespect and rebellion. They always supported me.
4) I got to go to UCLA for college and experience so many things in life.
5) I became a Christian at the age of 20 and got to go to John Macarthur's church and learn so much about God through the bible.
6) I miraculously landed a job at Motorola, which I absolutely love. Going to work for me was exciting and fun.
7) I married the most amazing, beautiful, bright, caring person, aka Grace Uriarte.
8) We had AJ - the coolest kid on the block.
9) Then we got to have Gracie, sweet little Gracie.
10) Then I had cancer, but God restored me to complete health after that.
11) We got to move to Minnesota and we absolutely love it here.
12) I got cancer again and survived a very complicated surgery.
Its just not fair that I got to live richly for this long, while others die young. Its just not fair that God would sacrifice His only Son so that I could be forgiven of my sins and receive life everlasting rather than perish in hell where there will be weeping and knashing of teeth forever. What is fair is that sinners be punished for their sin. God is the perfect and Holy Creator of the universe. Offending Him is no small thing to be overlooked. What isn't fair is that God would punish His own Son instead of me and instead consider me sinless.
2 Cor 5:21 "For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
My life is unfair, because I have much more than I deserve.
Deut 8:3 says about the Israelites, "He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD."
When God rained manna down on the Israelites when they were starving they could only collect enough for the given day. God satisfied their hunger for a day, but He didn't provide for tomorrow's hunger until tomorrow. Its true that cancer sucks because it could rob me of tomorrow. But it sure can't take away today. Joy is not found in tomorrow, it's found in today. Today I can find my nourishment in God who is my daily bread. God is making me hungry so that I might look to Him to satisfy me. Today I can rejoice because knowing God is so much more satisfying than the finest of foods.
Psalm 63:1 says, "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water."
The true hunger of a human being is not for food, it is for God. And only God can satisfy the hungry soul.
One of the hardest parts of the day is to sit with my family and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. An abundance of my favorite foods are strewn out across the table and my nostrils are filled with rich aromas of garlic, and breads, and pasta and sauces. I suddenly feel envious of others who get to taste and eat rather than having to inject medical formula directly into their stomach with a syringe. My mouth waters as I cherish vivid memories of being satisfied with a hearty meal after a long workout at the gym. Then I cringe in fear of not being able to experience that ever again. To be hungry for the rest of my life.
Can there be anything on God's good earth that is more satisfying than my wife's lentil soup or my mom's chinese cooking? Food is a wonderful thing and it used to bring me so much joy and satisfaction, but can I still have joy without it?
I struggle all day long to answer yes to that question. People often express their deep sympathy to me and say, "its just not fair that you would have to go through this. That really sucks". I often struggle in my mind thinking the same thing. The truth is that it isn't fair. My life just isn't fair.
Lets look at just a few of the facts of my unfair life.
1) Born 9/11/81 to loving parents, David and Joyce Mark.
2) My parents loved me.
3) My parents loved me so much that they never gave up on me despite my disrespect and rebellion. They always supported me.
4) I got to go to UCLA for college and experience so many things in life.
5) I became a Christian at the age of 20 and got to go to John Macarthur's church and learn so much about God through the bible.
6) I miraculously landed a job at Motorola, which I absolutely love. Going to work for me was exciting and fun.
7) I married the most amazing, beautiful, bright, caring person, aka Grace Uriarte.
8) We had AJ - the coolest kid on the block.
9) Then we got to have Gracie, sweet little Gracie.
10) Then I had cancer, but God restored me to complete health after that.
11) We got to move to Minnesota and we absolutely love it here.
12) I got cancer again and survived a very complicated surgery.
Its just not fair that I got to live richly for this long, while others die young. Its just not fair that God would sacrifice His only Son so that I could be forgiven of my sins and receive life everlasting rather than perish in hell where there will be weeping and knashing of teeth forever. What is fair is that sinners be punished for their sin. God is the perfect and Holy Creator of the universe. Offending Him is no small thing to be overlooked. What isn't fair is that God would punish His own Son instead of me and instead consider me sinless.
2 Cor 5:21 "For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
My life is unfair, because I have much more than I deserve.
Deut 8:3 says about the Israelites, "He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD."
When God rained manna down on the Israelites when they were starving they could only collect enough for the given day. God satisfied their hunger for a day, but He didn't provide for tomorrow's hunger until tomorrow. Its true that cancer sucks because it could rob me of tomorrow. But it sure can't take away today. Joy is not found in tomorrow, it's found in today. Today I can find my nourishment in God who is my daily bread. God is making me hungry so that I might look to Him to satisfy me. Today I can rejoice because knowing God is so much more satisfying than the finest of foods.
Psalm 63:1 says, "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water."
The true hunger of a human being is not for food, it is for God. And only God can satisfy the hungry soul.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Our Little Blessings
Last night a bunch of people from church came over to sing and pray for Andrew, while all the children went outside and played. Diane prayed that A.J., our 3 year-old, and Gracie, our two year-old, would still be able to be children, yet at the same time, understand way beyond anything we could ever expect, so that they could make this situation easier for us rather than more difficult.
This morning when we awoke, I told A.J. and Gracie that Mama and Papa had to leave for the doctor's and would be gone all day, but we would see them at dinner time. I expected them to get upset, as they often do before our numerous doctor's visits, but A.J. said happily, "Okay, Mama, so I have to obey grandma."
I knelt to his eye-level and squeezed him. "Yes, A.J.! That's right!" I usually have to make a big emphasis about that before we leave, but instead, A.J. surprised me by initiating it.
At six in the evening that night, upon hearing us enter through the door, A.J. and Gracie screamed in excitement, running to us, hugging and kissing us as their normal greeting, Gracie so strong, always almost knocking me over.
"Shoe off. Shoe off," Gracie said, grabbing at my heels as I was taking too long to put down all my bags.
"Thank you, Gracie," I said. "Yes, I will take my shoes off. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying."
Then A.J. threw in: "Mama, I obeyed grandma today! I obeyed grandma today!"
"You did? I'm so proud of you, A.J," I said.
Later, I asked my mother-in-law if the children had obeyed her. After thinking through the day a moment, she agreed that they had. The rest of the night both of the children were exceptionally obedient.
As I put their pajamas on before bed, A.J. said, "Mama, I shouldn't touch this."
I was putting his leg into his sleeper. I looked up to see what he was talking about. He was dangling his hand near the chord of his light.
"No, you probably shouldn't touch the light, A.J." I pulled up the zipper on his sleeper.
He put his hand down. Then, he said as he often has the past few weeks, "Mama, I will take care of you." But what he said afterwards was new: "I will take care of Papa. I will take care of you, Mama. And the way I will take care of you is to obey you."
I put my hand on his soft face. "Thank you, A.J. That's so sweet," I said.
And then he said, "I love to take care of you, Mama. I love to obey you."
I pulled him into my arms. I had never taught him these things or to say any of these things. Since Diane prayed for the children at our house, though the children had not heard her, it is as if A.J. is a new person. I no longer have to compel him to obey us. When we ask him to do something, he is quick to do it and so happy to do as we ask. And if he accidentally displeases us, he breaks into tears, as if he is so broken-hearted that he didn't take care of us. I have never seen A.J. like this before. He is only three years-old. We have always had to give him the motivation to obey us. Now, it as if his heart has changed and he is self-motivated to help us in any way he can by eagerly obeying us.
When they were ready for bed, I put Gracie in her crib and sat next to A.J. on his bed. Andrew came in and sat beside us. Before we could say much, A.J. said, "Dear Lord, I pray you would heal Papa. Please help me to obey Mama and Papa and Grandma. Amen."
Gracie made a sound.
"Mama, let Gracie pray for Papa. Gracie needs to pray for Papa," A.J. said.
I picked Gracie back up out of her crib and placed her on the bed between A.J. and Andrew. Gracie, not very articulate, didn't even want to try to pray.
"Dear Lord," A.J. said again, "Please heal Papa."
We sat silently on the bed for a minute. A.J. was looking over at Andrew. He pointed to Andrew's forearm, where they had taken the chunk to make new tongue, in a splint. "That's Papa's ow-ie?" he said.
"Yes," I said.
"We shouldn't touch it?"
"No," I said. "It hurts him more if we touch it."
He pointed to the top of Andrew's right leg, where they had taken a layer of skin to cover his forearm. The wound was concealed by Andrew's blue running pants, yet somehow A.J. knew this was the leg. A.J. said, "And that's Papa's ow-ie too?"
"Yes," I said.
He walked over to Andrew's other side and embraced his left leg, the way Andrew had showed him he could do when Andrew had been standing up-right one day. A.J. curved his back, hugging only the designated left upper leg, as if cautious not to hit anything else that might be injured.
I showed A.J. how he could sit down next to Andrew and give him a real hug on his left side too. A.J. climbed back onto his bed on Andrew's left side and nestled under Andrew's arm. "Dear Lord," A.J. said again. "Please heal Papa." When he finished praying he said, "Papa will be better tomorrow after you get back from the doctor's."
"We won't be going to the doctor's tomorrow, sweetheart," I said. Then automatically, "We don't know if the Lord will heal Papa or when."
A.J. slid out of Andrew's arm and crawled towards me.
"Let's pray," I said. "Dear Lord, please answer A.J's prayer and all our prayers and heal Papa completely. We love him so much."
This morning when we awoke, I told A.J. and Gracie that Mama and Papa had to leave for the doctor's and would be gone all day, but we would see them at dinner time. I expected them to get upset, as they often do before our numerous doctor's visits, but A.J. said happily, "Okay, Mama, so I have to obey grandma."
I knelt to his eye-level and squeezed him. "Yes, A.J.! That's right!" I usually have to make a big emphasis about that before we leave, but instead, A.J. surprised me by initiating it.
At six in the evening that night, upon hearing us enter through the door, A.J. and Gracie screamed in excitement, running to us, hugging and kissing us as their normal greeting, Gracie so strong, always almost knocking me over.
"Shoe off. Shoe off," Gracie said, grabbing at my heels as I was taking too long to put down all my bags.
"Thank you, Gracie," I said. "Yes, I will take my shoes off. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying."
Then A.J. threw in: "Mama, I obeyed grandma today! I obeyed grandma today!"
"You did? I'm so proud of you, A.J," I said.
Later, I asked my mother-in-law if the children had obeyed her. After thinking through the day a moment, she agreed that they had. The rest of the night both of the children were exceptionally obedient.
As I put their pajamas on before bed, A.J. said, "Mama, I shouldn't touch this."
I was putting his leg into his sleeper. I looked up to see what he was talking about. He was dangling his hand near the chord of his light.
"No, you probably shouldn't touch the light, A.J." I pulled up the zipper on his sleeper.
He put his hand down. Then, he said as he often has the past few weeks, "Mama, I will take care of you." But what he said afterwards was new: "I will take care of Papa. I will take care of you, Mama. And the way I will take care of you is to obey you."
I put my hand on his soft face. "Thank you, A.J. That's so sweet," I said.
And then he said, "I love to take care of you, Mama. I love to obey you."
I pulled him into my arms. I had never taught him these things or to say any of these things. Since Diane prayed for the children at our house, though the children had not heard her, it is as if A.J. is a new person. I no longer have to compel him to obey us. When we ask him to do something, he is quick to do it and so happy to do as we ask. And if he accidentally displeases us, he breaks into tears, as if he is so broken-hearted that he didn't take care of us. I have never seen A.J. like this before. He is only three years-old. We have always had to give him the motivation to obey us. Now, it as if his heart has changed and he is self-motivated to help us in any way he can by eagerly obeying us.
When they were ready for bed, I put Gracie in her crib and sat next to A.J. on his bed. Andrew came in and sat beside us. Before we could say much, A.J. said, "Dear Lord, I pray you would heal Papa. Please help me to obey Mama and Papa and Grandma. Amen."
Gracie made a sound.
"Mama, let Gracie pray for Papa. Gracie needs to pray for Papa," A.J. said.
I picked Gracie back up out of her crib and placed her on the bed between A.J. and Andrew. Gracie, not very articulate, didn't even want to try to pray.
"Dear Lord," A.J. said again, "Please heal Papa."
We sat silently on the bed for a minute. A.J. was looking over at Andrew. He pointed to Andrew's forearm, where they had taken the chunk to make new tongue, in a splint. "That's Papa's ow-ie?" he said.
"Yes," I said.
"We shouldn't touch it?"
"No," I said. "It hurts him more if we touch it."
He pointed to the top of Andrew's right leg, where they had taken a layer of skin to cover his forearm. The wound was concealed by Andrew's blue running pants, yet somehow A.J. knew this was the leg. A.J. said, "And that's Papa's ow-ie too?"
"Yes," I said.
He walked over to Andrew's other side and embraced his left leg, the way Andrew had showed him he could do when Andrew had been standing up-right one day. A.J. curved his back, hugging only the designated left upper leg, as if cautious not to hit anything else that might be injured.
I showed A.J. how he could sit down next to Andrew and give him a real hug on his left side too. A.J. climbed back onto his bed on Andrew's left side and nestled under Andrew's arm. "Dear Lord," A.J. said again. "Please heal Papa." When he finished praying he said, "Papa will be better tomorrow after you get back from the doctor's."
"We won't be going to the doctor's tomorrow, sweetheart," I said. Then automatically, "We don't know if the Lord will heal Papa or when."
A.J. slid out of Andrew's arm and crawled towards me.
"Let's pray," I said. "Dear Lord, please answer A.J's prayer and all our prayers and heal Papa completely. We love him so much."
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
A heart of wisdom
ANDREW WRITES:
Ps. 90:11-14
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
Do return, O LORD; how long will it be?
And be sorry for Your servants.
O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
One of my biggest struggles right now is fearing the future. It is so easy to worry about tomorrow and all the millions of combinations of things that could happen in the future. I guess before I had cancer I didn't worry that much about the future because I just assumed that I was young and everything would work out just fine. Then when I got cancer last year I was crushed because I realized for the first time my life was completely out of my control (you can read the blog "Sideswiped by the news of cancer" from Jan 2007). After consulting with so many doctors and doing all the most aggressive treatments last year we were so hopeful because the doctors were so hopeful. This year, none of the doctors are as hopeful for a cure to my disease. In some ways this is a blessing in disguise. God has shown us from our experiences last year that you can't trust in doctors or technology to save us. We had one of the best surgeons in the world and did all the additional treatments that we were supposed to do, and the cancer still came back. This time we're left with little confidence that surgery, radiation and chemotherapy will work because my cancer has proven resistant to them. So instead, we are forced to cling to the One who can and wants to heal sicknesses, Jesus Christ. Jesus ministry on earth was full of compassion for the sick and dying and He went around healing people everywhere He went. Here is a great sermon that my brother-in-law, Bob, preached the week before my surgery on healing.
I remember Dr. Steve Lawson preaching on Psalm 90 when I was in college. At the time I really didn't understand it. To a 21 year old college student learning to number my days meant that there were too many to count so why bother. I just assumed that I had a lot of life ahead of me. I didn't really think about the inevitable end, or even the imminent return of Christ. But now that I have had to face the fact that life can end at any time I see life so differently. My days are numbered just as everybody else's is. It is so proud and presumptuous to assume that I am in control of my life, and that I will live for a long time. It is foolish to presume that there will be air for me to breath my next breath. To gain a heart of wisdom is to live today as if it was my last. Jesus commands me not to worry about tomorrow, but to focus on today's trouble in Matthew 6:34. Surely tomorrow will be trouble, but God has not yet provided the grace to handle tomorrow's trouble. So please pray for me that I would not waste any more time worrying about the future, but that I would by God's grace live each individual day to its fullest. Praise God that I am slowly improving in this area but I still have a long way to go. Praise God also that He is healing me even now, as my health is improving and I am getting a little stronger each day.
Here's the update on my treatment:
I'm planning on doing radiation and chemotherapy at the same time just as we did last year. The doctors at the University of MN are planning on giving me about the same amount of radiation as last year, another 6000 rads, which will about put me close to double what is considered a safe lifetime limit. I'll also be taking a cocktail of chemotherapy drugs, Taxol, Carboplatin, and maybe Erbitux as well during radiation treatment which is planned to start around April 30th. We have not found any other clinically proven alternative treatments that are less toxic so far (perhaps the Mayo Clinic will say something different when we meet with them next week). If God can create a universe out of nothing, surely he can spare my body from damage due to radiation and chemotherapy. We're going to go through the treatments, but I'm not banking on them healing me. If God chooses, He will heal me. We beg of God to have mercy on me and my family by healing me and restoring my health, that His name might be vindicated as the all powerful God.
Ps. 90:11-14
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
Do return, O LORD; how long will it be?
And be sorry for Your servants.
O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
One of my biggest struggles right now is fearing the future. It is so easy to worry about tomorrow and all the millions of combinations of things that could happen in the future. I guess before I had cancer I didn't worry that much about the future because I just assumed that I was young and everything would work out just fine. Then when I got cancer last year I was crushed because I realized for the first time my life was completely out of my control (you can read the blog "Sideswiped by the news of cancer" from Jan 2007). After consulting with so many doctors and doing all the most aggressive treatments last year we were so hopeful because the doctors were so hopeful. This year, none of the doctors are as hopeful for a cure to my disease. In some ways this is a blessing in disguise. God has shown us from our experiences last year that you can't trust in doctors or technology to save us. We had one of the best surgeons in the world and did all the additional treatments that we were supposed to do, and the cancer still came back. This time we're left with little confidence that surgery, radiation and chemotherapy will work because my cancer has proven resistant to them. So instead, we are forced to cling to the One who can and wants to heal sicknesses, Jesus Christ. Jesus ministry on earth was full of compassion for the sick and dying and He went around healing people everywhere He went. Here is a great sermon that my brother-in-law, Bob, preached the week before my surgery on healing.
I remember Dr. Steve Lawson preaching on Psalm 90 when I was in college. At the time I really didn't understand it. To a 21 year old college student learning to number my days meant that there were too many to count so why bother. I just assumed that I had a lot of life ahead of me. I didn't really think about the inevitable end, or even the imminent return of Christ. But now that I have had to face the fact that life can end at any time I see life so differently. My days are numbered just as everybody else's is. It is so proud and presumptuous to assume that I am in control of my life, and that I will live for a long time. It is foolish to presume that there will be air for me to breath my next breath. To gain a heart of wisdom is to live today as if it was my last. Jesus commands me not to worry about tomorrow, but to focus on today's trouble in Matthew 6:34. Surely tomorrow will be trouble, but God has not yet provided the grace to handle tomorrow's trouble. So please pray for me that I would not waste any more time worrying about the future, but that I would by God's grace live each individual day to its fullest. Praise God that I am slowly improving in this area but I still have a long way to go. Praise God also that He is healing me even now, as my health is improving and I am getting a little stronger each day.
Here's the update on my treatment:
I'm planning on doing radiation and chemotherapy at the same time just as we did last year. The doctors at the University of MN are planning on giving me about the same amount of radiation as last year, another 6000 rads, which will about put me close to double what is considered a safe lifetime limit. I'll also be taking a cocktail of chemotherapy drugs, Taxol, Carboplatin, and maybe Erbitux as well during radiation treatment which is planned to start around April 30th. We have not found any other clinically proven alternative treatments that are less toxic so far (perhaps the Mayo Clinic will say something different when we meet with them next week). If God can create a universe out of nothing, surely he can spare my body from damage due to radiation and chemotherapy. We're going to go through the treatments, but I'm not banking on them healing me. If God chooses, He will heal me. We beg of God to have mercy on me and my family by healing me and restoring my health, that His name might be vindicated as the all powerful God.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Child-like
ANDREW WRITES:
I'm back at home now. I actually got back last Friday night but we've been so busy that we havn't been able to blog. Plus I didn't pay our internet bill while in the hospital so we got it up and running again today. I can kind of type now. They changed out my cast on my right arm for a splint so I have some motion with my fingers. By the way, for the record... I didn't know I had 4 surgeries. I thought I only had 3. Grace informed the the other day that it was 4. Apparently I was so drugged up that I was in and out of the operating room before I got over the previous surgery. I really only remember surgeries 1 and 4. I do remember bleeding a whole lot somewhere in between. though.
The past few weeks have been the darkest thus far in my life. I've really struggled to believe the goodness that lies in our suffering, and to find hope amidst disappointing news. I woke up this morning crying out to God for help to face the day. It seems as if each day I'm crying out with all of my might for help to face the battle which is today. I am convicted that it takes intense suffering for me to cry out to God to face the daily battle, when this battle always existed but when I was healthy I was numbed to it. Reliant upon myself and my own capabilities. The devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking ones to devour. He'll devour us when we are not watchful, numbed by the comforts of this world.
The surgeons had to remove much more of my tongue and floor of mouth than we initially thought. Thankfully they saved my vocal cords and a sliver of my tongue so that I can speak some. I cannot swallow anything at all right now, so please pray that I would miraculously be able to swallow and eat again.
Unfortunately, even with such a large removal effort, there is still microscopic cancer in my body. The pathology shows that the cancer was actually skipping around and not just in one solid mass. The doctors say I should do radiation and chemotherapy again even though you are supposed to only be able to radiate a single area of your body once in a lifetime. Radiating twice comes with great risks to the healthy tissue that is left. But I suppose I have no other options.
I've been feeling like a little child lately. I could relate to my son who sometimes whines or throws a fit. Thats how I've been feeling about this trial. Like a little child kicking and screaming, not wanting to do what I'm supposed to. I know that this if my service of worship to God, and that I have so much to be thankful for. God spared my life through my teenage years until I became a Christian and received the forgiveness of my sins through the blood of Jesus Christ shed on the cross. I was watching the news and saw that a bunch of teenagers had been killed in a bus accident. At that moment I felt so ashamed to be complaining in my heart to God. What if that had been me on a bus when I was 17 years old? Not only would I have perished without the forgiveness of my sins and gone to hell forever, which is infinately worse than dying of cancer. But I also would have missed out on the past 9 years which have been so rich and wonderful. Even if I suffer for the rest of my life, and perhaps die at a young age, I am so thankful for the past several years that I got to have. This past year after my first bout with cancer was the richest of them all. Why should I believe that God does not have a rich future ahead of me either on earth or in heaven?
Last night I got to go to church for a night of singing and although I can't sing much I mostly listened. It brought tears to my eyes for the first half hour of the night because I was just so happy to be reminded that this is so much bigger than me. This is about God and His divine purposes. Not about Andrew Mark and his family's comfort. Grace told me today that when she gets to heaven she's going to feel so stupid for leaving earth kicking and screaming trying to hold on to the comforts that we have here.
We used to pray that God would teach us to trust Him fully and that we wouldn't waste our lives. Then we would gulp because we had a feeling that it would be answered through suffering. And it was. This is my service of worship to God. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that today if I don't have the ability to accomplish anything but change my wound dressings, get 8 cans of formula through my feeding tube, take my various medicines, and take a shower I've accomplished much for God. This is how God has called me to serve Him now. Like a child, I fuss about it, but who am I to complain? I have much to be thankful for.
Please pray:
1) That God would heal me of cancer. We are going to do research on treatment options, but ultimately God is that one who can heal me of the remaining cancer.
2) That I would be able to swallow, eat and speak normally again.
3) For courage for my family to face each day through the strength that God provides.
Here is one of my favorite songs that I hope to one day sing again:
Alas, and Did my Savior Bleed
Bob Kauflin / Isaac Watts
Verse 1:
Alas, and did my Savior bleed
and did my Sov'reign die?
Would he devote that sacred head
for such a worm as I?
Was it for sins that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity, grace unknown
and love beyond degree.
Chorus:
My God, why would you shed your blood
so pure and undefiled
To make a sinful one like me
your chosen precious child?
Verse 2:
Well might the sun in darkness hide
and shut his glories in
When Christ, the mighty Maker died
for man the creature's sin.
Thus might I hide my blushing face
while his dear cross appears.
Dissolve my heart in thankfulness
and melt my eyes to tears.
I'm back at home now. I actually got back last Friday night but we've been so busy that we havn't been able to blog. Plus I didn't pay our internet bill while in the hospital so we got it up and running again today. I can kind of type now. They changed out my cast on my right arm for a splint so I have some motion with my fingers. By the way, for the record... I didn't know I had 4 surgeries. I thought I only had 3. Grace informed the the other day that it was 4. Apparently I was so drugged up that I was in and out of the operating room before I got over the previous surgery. I really only remember surgeries 1 and 4. I do remember bleeding a whole lot somewhere in between. though.
The past few weeks have been the darkest thus far in my life. I've really struggled to believe the goodness that lies in our suffering, and to find hope amidst disappointing news. I woke up this morning crying out to God for help to face the day. It seems as if each day I'm crying out with all of my might for help to face the battle which is today. I am convicted that it takes intense suffering for me to cry out to God to face the daily battle, when this battle always existed but when I was healthy I was numbed to it. Reliant upon myself and my own capabilities. The devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking ones to devour. He'll devour us when we are not watchful, numbed by the comforts of this world.
The surgeons had to remove much more of my tongue and floor of mouth than we initially thought. Thankfully they saved my vocal cords and a sliver of my tongue so that I can speak some. I cannot swallow anything at all right now, so please pray that I would miraculously be able to swallow and eat again.
Unfortunately, even with such a large removal effort, there is still microscopic cancer in my body. The pathology shows that the cancer was actually skipping around and not just in one solid mass. The doctors say I should do radiation and chemotherapy again even though you are supposed to only be able to radiate a single area of your body once in a lifetime. Radiating twice comes with great risks to the healthy tissue that is left. But I suppose I have no other options.
I've been feeling like a little child lately. I could relate to my son who sometimes whines or throws a fit. Thats how I've been feeling about this trial. Like a little child kicking and screaming, not wanting to do what I'm supposed to. I know that this if my service of worship to God, and that I have so much to be thankful for. God spared my life through my teenage years until I became a Christian and received the forgiveness of my sins through the blood of Jesus Christ shed on the cross. I was watching the news and saw that a bunch of teenagers had been killed in a bus accident. At that moment I felt so ashamed to be complaining in my heart to God. What if that had been me on a bus when I was 17 years old? Not only would I have perished without the forgiveness of my sins and gone to hell forever, which is infinately worse than dying of cancer. But I also would have missed out on the past 9 years which have been so rich and wonderful. Even if I suffer for the rest of my life, and perhaps die at a young age, I am so thankful for the past several years that I got to have. This past year after my first bout with cancer was the richest of them all. Why should I believe that God does not have a rich future ahead of me either on earth or in heaven?
Last night I got to go to church for a night of singing and although I can't sing much I mostly listened. It brought tears to my eyes for the first half hour of the night because I was just so happy to be reminded that this is so much bigger than me. This is about God and His divine purposes. Not about Andrew Mark and his family's comfort. Grace told me today that when she gets to heaven she's going to feel so stupid for leaving earth kicking and screaming trying to hold on to the comforts that we have here.
We used to pray that God would teach us to trust Him fully and that we wouldn't waste our lives. Then we would gulp because we had a feeling that it would be answered through suffering. And it was. This is my service of worship to God. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that today if I don't have the ability to accomplish anything but change my wound dressings, get 8 cans of formula through my feeding tube, take my various medicines, and take a shower I've accomplished much for God. This is how God has called me to serve Him now. Like a child, I fuss about it, but who am I to complain? I have much to be thankful for.
Please pray:
1) That God would heal me of cancer. We are going to do research on treatment options, but ultimately God is that one who can heal me of the remaining cancer.
2) That I would be able to swallow, eat and speak normally again.
3) For courage for my family to face each day through the strength that God provides.
Here is one of my favorite songs that I hope to one day sing again:
Alas, and Did my Savior Bleed
Bob Kauflin / Isaac Watts
Verse 1:
Alas, and did my Savior bleed
and did my Sov'reign die?
Would he devote that sacred head
for such a worm as I?
Was it for sins that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity, grace unknown
and love beyond degree.
Chorus:
My God, why would you shed your blood
so pure and undefiled
To make a sinful one like me
your chosen precious child?
Verse 2:
Well might the sun in darkness hide
and shut his glories in
When Christ, the mighty Maker died
for man the creature's sin.
Thus might I hide my blushing face
while his dear cross appears.
Dissolve my heart in thankfulness
and melt my eyes to tears.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Can It Be?
Today, on my way down to surprise Andrew after I had been at home with a cold all weekend not wanting to give it to him, guess who I got a phone call from?
Andrew Mark.
Yes, my husband.
Now, was it silence on the other end that I was supposed to automatically sing to like this weekend? Oh no. It was my husband talking to me. And it was not just noises he was making with his voice. He was understandable. He was articulating words.
Everyone is shocked, including Dr. Yueh. We will have to get audio up tomorrow on our blog of him.
So what is the difference between today and yesterday? Other than he got out of ICU last night and all his tubes were removed praise the Lord, he was sitting in a chair, can get good rest and is so happy now? Well, they lowered the balloon that was around his trache (plastic tube down his airway that allows him to breathe despite all the swelling). The balloon had blocked his voice box, making sound impossible. When they removed it, they were expecting him to make some sound with his voice and then over a long period of time and speech therapy he might become increasingly understandable. Well, he's quite understandable even now.
Andrew was chattering all evening, making up for the past two weeks. I just stared the whole time, trying to absorb the shocking change. One minute he's laying on a bed, silent, hardly able to move. Now, he's sitting on a chair as energetic as A.J., moving all around. It seemed so abnormal, him moving his arms, legs, reaching here and there for this and that, I almost would have jumped up and told him to stop and rest, if he hadn't looked so comfortable and natural doing it.
What encouragement this brings us. God has answered so many of our prayers, particularly Andrew's silent ones last night, I can't wait till his right arm heals and he can type it all out to tell you himself. Truly God is faithful even when we are faithless (2Tim. 2:13).
Well, please continue to pray for Andrew's complete healing and for no more cancer.
Andrew Mark.
Yes, my husband.
Now, was it silence on the other end that I was supposed to automatically sing to like this weekend? Oh no. It was my husband talking to me. And it was not just noises he was making with his voice. He was understandable. He was articulating words.
Everyone is shocked, including Dr. Yueh. We will have to get audio up tomorrow on our blog of him.
So what is the difference between today and yesterday? Other than he got out of ICU last night and all his tubes were removed praise the Lord, he was sitting in a chair, can get good rest and is so happy now? Well, they lowered the balloon that was around his trache (plastic tube down his airway that allows him to breathe despite all the swelling). The balloon had blocked his voice box, making sound impossible. When they removed it, they were expecting him to make some sound with his voice and then over a long period of time and speech therapy he might become increasingly understandable. Well, he's quite understandable even now.
Andrew was chattering all evening, making up for the past two weeks. I just stared the whole time, trying to absorb the shocking change. One minute he's laying on a bed, silent, hardly able to move. Now, he's sitting on a chair as energetic as A.J., moving all around. It seemed so abnormal, him moving his arms, legs, reaching here and there for this and that, I almost would have jumped up and told him to stop and rest, if he hadn't looked so comfortable and natural doing it.
What encouragement this brings us. God has answered so many of our prayers, particularly Andrew's silent ones last night, I can't wait till his right arm heals and he can type it all out to tell you himself. Truly God is faithful even when we are faithless (2Tim. 2:13).
Well, please continue to pray for Andrew's complete healing and for no more cancer.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Day 11 in ICU
Andrew has the following prayer requests:
1. That Andrew would be able to get out of ICU today. They are saying he is free to move to the normal floor of the hospital, but there is no room there right now. Please pray that a bed would be freed up there. Andrew really wants to go.
2. That Dr. Lassig (reconstruction doc) would approve Andrew starting on physical therapy. They have not been able to contact her. Andrew really wants to move around, but they need to know that the bleeding problems he had with his leg is no longer an obstacle to that.
3. Pray that Andrew wouldn't be too lonely or uncomfortable. His parents have been with him all weekend, since I have been unable to visit since Friday due to a cold. His dad is leaving today, though, so he won't have any family with him, despite having others visit.
Thanks so much for all your love and support and notes. We can't do without it.
1. That Andrew would be able to get out of ICU today. They are saying he is free to move to the normal floor of the hospital, but there is no room there right now. Please pray that a bed would be freed up there. Andrew really wants to go.
2. That Dr. Lassig (reconstruction doc) would approve Andrew starting on physical therapy. They have not been able to contact her. Andrew really wants to move around, but they need to know that the bleeding problems he had with his leg is no longer an obstacle to that.
3. Pray that Andrew wouldn't be too lonely or uncomfortable. His parents have been with him all weekend, since I have been unable to visit since Friday due to a cold. His dad is leaving today, though, so he won't have any family with him, despite having others visit.
Thanks so much for all your love and support and notes. We can't do without it.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Now This is Encouraging
wow. you've got to read this. this is by a father who goes to our last church in Washington. His son unexpectedly dropped dead in the shower and God resurrected him on resurrection weekend:
Go to:
http://howgoodisgod.blogspot.com
And then, on the right menu, click on "How it all Began."
He was back at their church today, only 8 days after it all happened.
Go to:
http://howgoodisgod.blogspot.com
And then, on the right menu, click on "How it all Began."
He was back at their church today, only 8 days after it all happened.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Ahhh...surgery 4
please pray for andrew tomorrow as they will bring him into a short surgery around 8am to drain his leg of blood and remove some clots.
they have put him on antibiotics, because he had a fever of 102 today, just in case he has an infection. they don't think he has one, but we won't get the lab results back for a few days. his fever made them watching for pneumonia, but his lungs didn't show any evidence of it. in fact, his lungs looked a lot clearer than yesterday in an x-ray.
they took him off heparin, the main blood thinner, today. they usually don't give that to patients. they made an exception for Andrew, though, since he's so special (he super-clots). they are taking him off since his flap has been doing well for six days, now, so there shouldn't be much risk to it clotting and dying anymore. they were eager to get him off the blood thinner, because if you don't have a blood thinner, then you don't bleed as much. and if you don't bleed, then there's nothing to clot up in your leg.
other than that, he is improving and his flap is doing well.
Please pray:
1. for andrew as he is longing to get out of bed, but right now the problems with his leg bleeding is preventing that.
2. for no more complications and that we will be able to get out of ICU this weekend.
3. i wouldn't get sick. i feel like i have been coming down with a cold. there are lots of viruses going around and there continues not to be a lot of time for sleep.
sorry for not emailing more this week. my laptop stopped working monday, so anything i sent out after that was real fast on the public computer here.
if anyone knows if it's possible to subscribe to our blog, please let me know. then people can automatically be notified when i post a new blog and i won't have to send out so many emails. it's hard to do that, cause i have four email lists and can't fit them all onto one.
thanks!
they have put him on antibiotics, because he had a fever of 102 today, just in case he has an infection. they don't think he has one, but we won't get the lab results back for a few days. his fever made them watching for pneumonia, but his lungs didn't show any evidence of it. in fact, his lungs looked a lot clearer than yesterday in an x-ray.
they took him off heparin, the main blood thinner, today. they usually don't give that to patients. they made an exception for Andrew, though, since he's so special (he super-clots). they are taking him off since his flap has been doing well for six days, now, so there shouldn't be much risk to it clotting and dying anymore. they were eager to get him off the blood thinner, because if you don't have a blood thinner, then you don't bleed as much. and if you don't bleed, then there's nothing to clot up in your leg.
other than that, he is improving and his flap is doing well.
Please pray:
1. for andrew as he is longing to get out of bed, but right now the problems with his leg bleeding is preventing that.
2. for no more complications and that we will be able to get out of ICU this weekend.
3. i wouldn't get sick. i feel like i have been coming down with a cold. there are lots of viruses going around and there continues not to be a lot of time for sleep.
sorry for not emailing more this week. my laptop stopped working monday, so anything i sent out after that was real fast on the public computer here.
if anyone knows if it's possible to subscribe to our blog, please let me know. then people can automatically be notified when i post a new blog and i won't have to send out so many emails. it's hard to do that, cause i have four email lists and can't fit them all onto one.
thanks!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Catch 22
Yesterday afternoon, Wednesday, Andrew was looking much improved. Much of the swelling had gone down. After a few hours, however, his leg began to swell again. The doctors kept an eye on it and by this morning, they had to open his leg, while still in his room, and drain the blood out. This is the risk of having him on blood thinners, blood pooling. They lowered the dosage of blood thinners two hours ago, but the bleeding has not improved. If it does not improve, despite the dosage lowering, they may have to take him into surgery again and look for a vein that's leaking and needs to be sealed. Please pray that God would fix Andrew's leg so he won't have to go into surgery again.
They need to keep him on blood thinners, because of how extraordinary the blood clot was in his flap last Saturday. It had clotted the three inches of vein they had attached to the flap, which is extremely unusual. His flap has been doing well, though, since Saturday, so that's a really good sign. Usually, they only need to see the flap has been doing well for three days, however, with all the complications he's had, they've wanted to wait longer and watch it. Dr. Lassig, the reconstruction doctor, is hoping they can take him off the blood thinners tomorrow, since that will put him at 6 days of his flap being healthy.
Andrew has a fever. At first it was only 100.8. They said it might be because they saw his lung was a little collapsed in his x-ray, which can happen when you've been in bed for a week. But now it is up to 101.8. Over 101.5 is concerning. Please pray that his lungs would be okay.
With all the complications Andrew's had, he seems to be in a catch-22. For instance, yesterday morning, they were finally able to put him in a bed that allowed him to sit up like a chair for an hour and push him around the ICU halls one turn. With that minor activity, he felt sore and exhausted, but this was progress and was part of his physical therapy. He was supposed to do the same thing again today, but because of the bleeding problems with his leg, they decided to postpone his sitting up today. And yet, not laying around, would prevent problems with his lungs.
They even stopped his tube feeding this morning in case he had to return to surgery again. And yet, the sooner he can get that nutrition, the more strength it will give him to heal. They only give him about 60 mL of feeding per hour 24 hours a day. It drips slowly over the hour, so they make sure his stomach reacts well to the feeding. The last thing one needs after oral surgery, let alone everything else that has gone wrong, is to throw up. Thankfully, Dr. Lassig examined him around 4:30 pm, and she said he was okay to go back onto the feedings.
It's very frustrating and uncomfortable having all these tubes draining blood in each of the surgery sites, constricting his movement and often weighing on the cuts, and having the flap pricked and checked every hour, because it is very difficult to get rest. This is again part of the catch-22. He still needs this close monitoring, and yet it prevents him from getting the good rest he also needs.
We are hoping to get out of ICU within the next few days. The way I remember the normal wing of the hospital last year, which was the only place we had to go last time, was that it was a vacation in comparison to this. We could watch movies, play games, Andrew was capable of moving around, and we could have as many visitors as we wanted. Here, Andrew is too messed up to be able to watch movies, too messed up to move around, and aside from visitors being restricted, too messed up for anyone see him.
Nonetheless, Andrew said that when we get out of ICU and into the normal wing of the hospital, we're going to have a party and everyone can come.
Please continue to pray what you've been praying and:
1. that the flap would continue to be healthy
2. that Andrew would heal and for no more complications, especially for the next 48 hours. (especially lungs and leg mentioned above)
3. Pray that we wouldn't get frustrated but trust in the Lord and be content in the circumstances He has given us.
They need to keep him on blood thinners, because of how extraordinary the blood clot was in his flap last Saturday. It had clotted the three inches of vein they had attached to the flap, which is extremely unusual. His flap has been doing well, though, since Saturday, so that's a really good sign. Usually, they only need to see the flap has been doing well for three days, however, with all the complications he's had, they've wanted to wait longer and watch it. Dr. Lassig, the reconstruction doctor, is hoping they can take him off the blood thinners tomorrow, since that will put him at 6 days of his flap being healthy.
Andrew has a fever. At first it was only 100.8. They said it might be because they saw his lung was a little collapsed in his x-ray, which can happen when you've been in bed for a week. But now it is up to 101.8. Over 101.5 is concerning. Please pray that his lungs would be okay.
With all the complications Andrew's had, he seems to be in a catch-22. For instance, yesterday morning, they were finally able to put him in a bed that allowed him to sit up like a chair for an hour and push him around the ICU halls one turn. With that minor activity, he felt sore and exhausted, but this was progress and was part of his physical therapy. He was supposed to do the same thing again today, but because of the bleeding problems with his leg, they decided to postpone his sitting up today. And yet, not laying around, would prevent problems with his lungs.
They even stopped his tube feeding this morning in case he had to return to surgery again. And yet, the sooner he can get that nutrition, the more strength it will give him to heal. They only give him about 60 mL of feeding per hour 24 hours a day. It drips slowly over the hour, so they make sure his stomach reacts well to the feeding. The last thing one needs after oral surgery, let alone everything else that has gone wrong, is to throw up. Thankfully, Dr. Lassig examined him around 4:30 pm, and she said he was okay to go back onto the feedings.
It's very frustrating and uncomfortable having all these tubes draining blood in each of the surgery sites, constricting his movement and often weighing on the cuts, and having the flap pricked and checked every hour, because it is very difficult to get rest. This is again part of the catch-22. He still needs this close monitoring, and yet it prevents him from getting the good rest he also needs.
We are hoping to get out of ICU within the next few days. The way I remember the normal wing of the hospital last year, which was the only place we had to go last time, was that it was a vacation in comparison to this. We could watch movies, play games, Andrew was capable of moving around, and we could have as many visitors as we wanted. Here, Andrew is too messed up to be able to watch movies, too messed up to move around, and aside from visitors being restricted, too messed up for anyone see him.
Nonetheless, Andrew said that when we get out of ICU and into the normal wing of the hospital, we're going to have a party and everyone can come.
Please continue to pray what you've been praying and:
1. that the flap would continue to be healthy
2. that Andrew would heal and for no more complications, especially for the next 48 hours. (especially lungs and leg mentioned above)
3. Pray that we wouldn't get frustrated but trust in the Lord and be content in the circumstances He has given us.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Suffering as an Answer to Prayer
Andrew has been doing well since his last surgery. So, last night I was able to leave a lot earlier, around 10:30 p.m. As I walked down the tunnel to the parking garage, I was surprised at the apprehension I was feeling. I was already missing Andrew and wondered what I would do when I got home. I had expected to feel relief at leaving the hospital earlier and the opportunity to finally catch up on some sleep, but instead I wanted to turn around and run back to Andrew's hospital room.
By the time I reached home, showered, and settled down, it was midnight. Sleep overcame me the moment I laid down. I dreamed about Andrew. Sometimes he was asleep on a couch, just like in the hospital, only more conked out without the disturbances of nurses and doctors hourly examining him. And then I was dreaming that I was sitting in the passenger seat of his black Acura Integra while he drove. It must have been back in our dating days.
When I awoke in the morning, I felt discouraged and empty. Whenever I feel desperately discontent, I long for the perfect days of living in California and when Andrew and I first fell in love there. Life in California was always perfect. And whenever I thought it couldn't get better, it always got better. Then Andrew and I got married, and we travelled for three months. I mean, who even gets to do that? These thoughts weighed heavier and heavier on me as the morning wore on.
I ate with the kids then prepared to leave for the hospital.
"Mama, I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to leave me!" A.J. cried.
I hugged him and kissed him, rubbed his back. I thought silently, I'll be home tonight anyway...Course you'll already be asleep, but I'll be home.
After awhile of hugging he sighed, "Okay, you can leave. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
I frowned. I hadn't thought of it that way and hadn't realized the way A.J. saw it. We had missed each other all day, and all I gave them was an unsatiating 45 minutes in the morning, only to take off again?
Still, it was getting late and the hospital had already called that Andrew was looking for me. I left the house, my heart still heavy longing for the days before bad health, wondering how things had turned. Instead of things getting better and better, whenever things couldn't get worse, they always did.
Once we moved to Washington after our three month honeymoon, our entire time in Washington - three and a half years - one of us was debilitatingly ill. Just weeks after we moved there, I was miserably ill with pregnancy. I had anemia that my doctor didn't tell me about and so didn't treat with a simple iron pill. At times, it was difficult just to walk down the hall. Andrew used to say to me, "At least it's not cancer." Little did he know the irony of his statement.
Then nursing was also very difficult on my body. Changing the kids' diapers in the morning wiped me out. But I had felt miserable for so long, that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel healthy. I thought it was just how all moms felt, and so I accepted it. Between my two pregnancies and nursing, I felt like I was dying for nearly three years. Now that I'm feeling good, I realize that the way I had felt was horrible and not normal. As I wrapped up nursing Gracie, Andrew was starting chemotherapy last year. And so other than our honeymoon travels, the only time we've had good health between the two of us was the first three months we moved to Minnesota.
I knew I needed to bring it all before the Lord. I always start to go crazy when I need time alone with Him. On my way to the hospital, I stopped at Starbucks and read my Bible. I felt heavy with thoughts looming about the strange contrast between our lives in California and our lives with bad health. Then I opened my Bible to Job.
Chapter One of the book described Job as being very prosperous. His children, what the Bible considered a sign of great blessing, were so in harmony with one another, that his seven sons each held a feast in his house on his appointed day of the week. All the brothers and sisters would attend. I thought, How fun. They always get to be together. Andrew and I love stuff like tight familial relations and being with the brethren constantly.
Then, God asked Satan if he had ever considered his servant Job. Satan replied: “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have You not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But now, stretch out Your hand and touch all that he has, and he will surely curse You to Your face!” (Job1:9-11).
But when all of Job's prosperity was removed, did he curse God as Satan predicted? No. Rather, this was his response:
"Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said:
In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong."
(Job 1:19-22)
This chapter encouraged me. Job, too, had massive prosperity in his life and then it was contrasted with "when things couldn't get any worse, it did." But it says Job still did not sin nor charge God with wrong. Rather, he blessed the name of the Lord.
And a few chapters later, he says: "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" (Job 13:15) .
By the end of the book, it says that God blessed Job even more greatly than He had blessed him in the beginning (Job 42:12).
Job's example gave me great hope that something did not have to go gravely wrong in order to go from prosperity to severe suffering. Sometimes, it's just what God gives us. But we can still trust God and that He has a purpose that is much bigger than we can see that is for His glory and our good, just as it was with Job.
Also, I read psalm 71. A friend once said that the Bible is truly alive. That's why believers never get tired of it, like they might with something like Huck Finn. The Lord always highlights new verses to us and opens our eyes to things we never noticed before. This day these verses popped out at me:
Macarthur says "depths of the earth" refers not to resurrection, but a near death experience, such as severe illness. Even though I keep reading it in Scripture and I keep singing songs about it, each time I see it, I find myself still surprised that it is normal to suffer. I think the default is to assume that we must have severely messed up in order for this to happen to us. But no, the people of God have always suffered.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
I thought I would also share with you a passage from a novel by Elizabeth Prentiss, author most famous for her 19th century novel Stepping Heavenward. This other novel of hers is about a Christian man and woman and their journey of sanctification as they meet, fall in love, and are married. This is how Prentice prefaces the book, summarizing what the reader will see about the couple:
"They were living to themselves: self, with its hopes, and promises, and dreams, still had hold of them; but the Lord began to fulfill their prayers. They had asked for contrition, and He sent them sorrow; they had asked for purity, and He sent them thrilling anguish; they had asked to be meek, and He had broken their hearts; they had asked to be dead to the world, and He slew all their living hopes; they had asked to be made like unto Him, and He placed them in the furnace, sitting by "as a refiner of silver," till they should reflect His image; they had asked to lay hold of His cross, and when He had reached it to them, it lacerated their hands. They had asked they knew not what, nor how; but He had taken them at their word, and granted them all their petitions. They were hardly willing to follow on so far, or to draw so nigh to Him...They could almost pray Him to depart from them, or to hide His awfulness. They found it easier to obey than to suffer - to do than to give up - to bear the cross than to hang upon it: but they cannot go back, for they have come too near the unseen cross, and its virtues have pierced too deeply within them...."
He has fastened on them His look of love, as He did on Mary and Peter, and they cannot but choose to follow...They behold Him lifted up - they gaze on the glory which rays forth from the wounds of His holy passion; and as they gaze, they advance, and are changed into His likeness, and His name shines out through them, for He dwells in them. They live alone with Him above, in unspeakable fellowship...."
Had they chosen for themselves, or their friends chosen for them, they would have chosen otherwise...Many a time their foot had well-nigh slipped; but He, in mercy, held them up; now, even in this life, they know all He did was done well. It was good for them to suffer here, for they shall reign hereafter - to bear the cross below, for they shall wear the crown above; and that not their will but His was done on them."
- Aunt Jane's Hero, Elizabeth Prentiss (3-5)
By the time I reached home, showered, and settled down, it was midnight. Sleep overcame me the moment I laid down. I dreamed about Andrew. Sometimes he was asleep on a couch, just like in the hospital, only more conked out without the disturbances of nurses and doctors hourly examining him. And then I was dreaming that I was sitting in the passenger seat of his black Acura Integra while he drove. It must have been back in our dating days.
When I awoke in the morning, I felt discouraged and empty. Whenever I feel desperately discontent, I long for the perfect days of living in California and when Andrew and I first fell in love there. Life in California was always perfect. And whenever I thought it couldn't get better, it always got better. Then Andrew and I got married, and we travelled for three months. I mean, who even gets to do that? These thoughts weighed heavier and heavier on me as the morning wore on.
I ate with the kids then prepared to leave for the hospital.
"Mama, I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to leave me!" A.J. cried.
I hugged him and kissed him, rubbed his back. I thought silently, I'll be home tonight anyway...Course you'll already be asleep, but I'll be home.
After awhile of hugging he sighed, "Okay, you can leave. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
I frowned. I hadn't thought of it that way and hadn't realized the way A.J. saw it. We had missed each other all day, and all I gave them was an unsatiating 45 minutes in the morning, only to take off again?
Still, it was getting late and the hospital had already called that Andrew was looking for me. I left the house, my heart still heavy longing for the days before bad health, wondering how things had turned. Instead of things getting better and better, whenever things couldn't get worse, they always did.
Once we moved to Washington after our three month honeymoon, our entire time in Washington - three and a half years - one of us was debilitatingly ill. Just weeks after we moved there, I was miserably ill with pregnancy. I had anemia that my doctor didn't tell me about and so didn't treat with a simple iron pill. At times, it was difficult just to walk down the hall. Andrew used to say to me, "At least it's not cancer." Little did he know the irony of his statement.
Then nursing was also very difficult on my body. Changing the kids' diapers in the morning wiped me out. But I had felt miserable for so long, that I had forgotten what it felt like to feel healthy. I thought it was just how all moms felt, and so I accepted it. Between my two pregnancies and nursing, I felt like I was dying for nearly three years. Now that I'm feeling good, I realize that the way I had felt was horrible and not normal. As I wrapped up nursing Gracie, Andrew was starting chemotherapy last year. And so other than our honeymoon travels, the only time we've had good health between the two of us was the first three months we moved to Minnesota.
I knew I needed to bring it all before the Lord. I always start to go crazy when I need time alone with Him. On my way to the hospital, I stopped at Starbucks and read my Bible. I felt heavy with thoughts looming about the strange contrast between our lives in California and our lives with bad health. Then I opened my Bible to Job.
Chapter One of the book described Job as being very prosperous. His children, what the Bible considered a sign of great blessing, were so in harmony with one another, that his seven sons each held a feast in his house on his appointed day of the week. All the brothers and sisters would attend. I thought, How fun. They always get to be together. Andrew and I love stuff like tight familial relations and being with the brethren constantly.
Then, God asked Satan if he had ever considered his servant Job. Satan replied: “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have You not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But now, stretch out Your hand and touch all that he has, and he will surely curse You to Your face!” (Job1:9-11).
But when all of Job's prosperity was removed, did he curse God as Satan predicted? No. Rather, this was his response:
"Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said:
“ Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong."
(Job 1:19-22)
This chapter encouraged me. Job, too, had massive prosperity in his life and then it was contrasted with "when things couldn't get any worse, it did." But it says Job still did not sin nor charge God with wrong. Rather, he blessed the name of the Lord.
And a few chapters later, he says: "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him" (Job 13:15) .
By the end of the book, it says that God blessed Job even more greatly than He had blessed him in the beginning (Job 42:12).
Job's example gave me great hope that something did not have to go gravely wrong in order to go from prosperity to severe suffering. Sometimes, it's just what God gives us. But we can still trust God and that He has a purpose that is much bigger than we can see that is for His glory and our good, just as it was with Job.
Also, I read psalm 71. A friend once said that the Bible is truly alive. That's why believers never get tired of it, like they might with something like Huck Finn. The Lord always highlights new verses to us and opens our eyes to things we never noticed before. This day these verses popped out at me:
"You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth
You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side."
(Psalm 71:20-21)
Shall revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth
You shall increase my greatness,
And comfort me on every side."
(Psalm 71:20-21)
Macarthur says "depths of the earth" refers not to resurrection, but a near death experience, such as severe illness. Even though I keep reading it in Scripture and I keep singing songs about it, each time I see it, I find myself still surprised that it is normal to suffer. I think the default is to assume that we must have severely messed up in order for this to happen to us. But no, the people of God have always suffered.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
I thought I would also share with you a passage from a novel by Elizabeth Prentiss, author most famous for her 19th century novel Stepping Heavenward. This other novel of hers is about a Christian man and woman and their journey of sanctification as they meet, fall in love, and are married. This is how Prentice prefaces the book, summarizing what the reader will see about the couple:
"They were living to themselves: self, with its hopes, and promises, and dreams, still had hold of them; but the Lord began to fulfill their prayers. They had asked for contrition, and He sent them sorrow; they had asked for purity, and He sent them thrilling anguish; they had asked to be meek, and He had broken their hearts; they had asked to be dead to the world, and He slew all their living hopes; they had asked to be made like unto Him, and He placed them in the furnace, sitting by "as a refiner of silver," till they should reflect His image; they had asked to lay hold of His cross, and when He had reached it to them, it lacerated their hands. They had asked they knew not what, nor how; but He had taken them at their word, and granted them all their petitions. They were hardly willing to follow on so far, or to draw so nigh to Him...They could almost pray Him to depart from them, or to hide His awfulness. They found it easier to obey than to suffer - to do than to give up - to bear the cross than to hang upon it: but they cannot go back, for they have come too near the unseen cross, and its virtues have pierced too deeply within them...."
He has fastened on them His look of love, as He did on Mary and Peter, and they cannot but choose to follow...They behold Him lifted up - they gaze on the glory which rays forth from the wounds of His holy passion; and as they gaze, they advance, and are changed into His likeness, and His name shines out through them, for He dwells in them. They live alone with Him above, in unspeakable fellowship...."
Had they chosen for themselves, or their friends chosen for them, they would have chosen otherwise...Many a time their foot had well-nigh slipped; but He, in mercy, held them up; now, even in this life, they know all He did was done well. It was good for them to suffer here, for they shall reign hereafter - to bear the cross below, for they shall wear the crown above; and that not their will but His was done on them."
- Aunt Jane's Hero, Elizabeth Prentiss (3-5)
Monday, March 24, 2008
The Eye of the Storm
Andrew got out of surgery at 1:30pm. They had started at 7:30am. Blood had been pooling in his neck rather than draining, which was causing the excessive swelling. They were able to solve that problem.
The cause of today's problem:
On Saturday, the flap (forearm chunk used to make a new tongue and floor of mouth) vein had clogged, because it turns out Andrew has an unusual propensity to clot. After fixing the flap, they put him on blood thinners to make sure it didn't clog again. However, when they had given him their protocol amount of blood thinner for his body size, it made him bleed too much, which is why the blood pooled in his neck. Apparently, he also has an unusual sensitivity to the blood thinner. They found he needs about less than half the amount of blood thinner than a normal person in his position would require.
They are walking a fine line between preventing clotts with the blood thinner and making him bleed too much with the blood thinner.
What they did today:
During today's surgery, in addition to clearing out the blood, there were also a bunch of clots in his leg (where they took the vein Saturday), his forearm (where they took the chunk for his mouth), and even in his flap again. They had to remove all those clots.
Where the flap is at:
When he had his 2nd surgery on Saturday, they had attached two additional veins, which drain out the blood going to his flap, totalling three veins to guarantee the flap wouldn't clog again. Normally, a person only needs one vein for the flap. It turns out that the two smaller veins clogged again, but the bigger vein seems to be fine, which as long as it stays clear, should be sufficient drainage for the flap.
Is this normal?
It is highly unusual what is happening to Andrew. I asked the doctor if she's had to go into surgery three times like this before. She said there has been occasions. I asked her if she's gone in four times, just to prepare myself. She thought hard and said, "Maybe once?"
Just as God often makes things work out unusually well for his children, it seems He is making them work out unusually badly for us. I know that He is glorifying Himself. He is doing something huge. I can see it from all the emails I am receiving and that now our blog is being read around the world. This is what we had prayed for - that God would show His glory off through this for the whole world to see. We didn't even know why we were praying for the world to see, it seemed crazy that anyone not local would care; in fact, we were already surprised how much locally people cared. But it was the prayer God was bringing to our hearts to pray.
Goals for Andrew:
The doctors want to see Andrew do well for 72 hours. If nothing had gone wrong after the first surgery, it would have been 72 hours and we would be out of ICU now. Well, the clock has started all over again after this 3rd surgery. So pray there would be no more mishaps! That the flap would continue to be healthy, that nothing would clot again, that he wouldn't excessively bleed, and nothing at all would go wrong.
Thursday is Gracie's 2nd birthday. I would love it if Andrew would be in good enough shape to be without us for a tiny bit, so I could be with her for a few minutes at home and partake in her cake with Grandpa and Grandma and A.J. I would also love it if Andrew could get out of ICU by then and at least Gracie and Andrew could glance at each other in the regular wing of the hospital. Children are not allowed in ICU.
How I'm doing
I was only able to get three hours of sleep again last night, since I got home late from the hospital. Just as I turned off the light, my phone went off with the information about a 3rd surgery. I awoke in the morning to my phone again with them asking for my consent to do the surgery. Then I returned to the hospital. I've maybe had a total of 15 hours of night sleep since Thursday. There are also some viruses going around. Pray that I and the family wouldn't get sick, since that would prevent us from seeing Andrew, which he desperately needs right now.
I feel as if I am in the eye of a storm. And so I do not know the tumult that this appears to be from the outside, except in your eyes and emails. I am also not in the midst of the tornado, because it would sweep me up and kill me. I am at the eye of the storm, the most peaceful place within it. God has provided miraculous peace through this whole time in answer to your prayers for me. I didn't even feel frustrated when I heard the news last night. This is not characteristic of me. I get stressed out when I see plates on the countertop. I get frustrated when I miss a few cups after I turn on the dishwasher. Truly, God's grace is sufficient in time of need and praise God for your effective prayers.
Please continue praying what you have already been praying and also:
1. That nothing else would go wrong for the next 72 hours.
2. That I, Andrew's parents, and the kids wouldn't get sick.
3. That the flap would continue to be healthy.
The cause of today's problem:
On Saturday, the flap (forearm chunk used to make a new tongue and floor of mouth) vein had clogged, because it turns out Andrew has an unusual propensity to clot. After fixing the flap, they put him on blood thinners to make sure it didn't clog again. However, when they had given him their protocol amount of blood thinner for his body size, it made him bleed too much, which is why the blood pooled in his neck. Apparently, he also has an unusual sensitivity to the blood thinner. They found he needs about less than half the amount of blood thinner than a normal person in his position would require.
They are walking a fine line between preventing clotts with the blood thinner and making him bleed too much with the blood thinner.
What they did today:
During today's surgery, in addition to clearing out the blood, there were also a bunch of clots in his leg (where they took the vein Saturday), his forearm (where they took the chunk for his mouth), and even in his flap again. They had to remove all those clots.
Where the flap is at:
When he had his 2nd surgery on Saturday, they had attached two additional veins, which drain out the blood going to his flap, totalling three veins to guarantee the flap wouldn't clog again. Normally, a person only needs one vein for the flap. It turns out that the two smaller veins clogged again, but the bigger vein seems to be fine, which as long as it stays clear, should be sufficient drainage for the flap.
Is this normal?
It is highly unusual what is happening to Andrew. I asked the doctor if she's had to go into surgery three times like this before. She said there has been occasions. I asked her if she's gone in four times, just to prepare myself. She thought hard and said, "Maybe once?"
Just as God often makes things work out unusually well for his children, it seems He is making them work out unusually badly for us. I know that He is glorifying Himself. He is doing something huge. I can see it from all the emails I am receiving and that now our blog is being read around the world. This is what we had prayed for - that God would show His glory off through this for the whole world to see. We didn't even know why we were praying for the world to see, it seemed crazy that anyone not local would care; in fact, we were already surprised how much locally people cared. But it was the prayer God was bringing to our hearts to pray.
Goals for Andrew:
The doctors want to see Andrew do well for 72 hours. If nothing had gone wrong after the first surgery, it would have been 72 hours and we would be out of ICU now. Well, the clock has started all over again after this 3rd surgery. So pray there would be no more mishaps! That the flap would continue to be healthy, that nothing would clot again, that he wouldn't excessively bleed, and nothing at all would go wrong.
Thursday is Gracie's 2nd birthday. I would love it if Andrew would be in good enough shape to be without us for a tiny bit, so I could be with her for a few minutes at home and partake in her cake with Grandpa and Grandma and A.J. I would also love it if Andrew could get out of ICU by then and at least Gracie and Andrew could glance at each other in the regular wing of the hospital. Children are not allowed in ICU.
How I'm doing
I was only able to get three hours of sleep again last night, since I got home late from the hospital. Just as I turned off the light, my phone went off with the information about a 3rd surgery. I awoke in the morning to my phone again with them asking for my consent to do the surgery. Then I returned to the hospital. I've maybe had a total of 15 hours of night sleep since Thursday. There are also some viruses going around. Pray that I and the family wouldn't get sick, since that would prevent us from seeing Andrew, which he desperately needs right now.
I feel as if I am in the eye of a storm. And so I do not know the tumult that this appears to be from the outside, except in your eyes and emails. I am also not in the midst of the tornado, because it would sweep me up and kill me. I am at the eye of the storm, the most peaceful place within it. God has provided miraculous peace through this whole time in answer to your prayers for me. I didn't even feel frustrated when I heard the news last night. This is not characteristic of me. I get stressed out when I see plates on the countertop. I get frustrated when I miss a few cups after I turn on the dishwasher. Truly, God's grace is sufficient in time of need and praise God for your effective prayers.
Please continue praying what you have already been praying and also:
1. That nothing else would go wrong for the next 72 hours.
2. That I, Andrew's parents, and the kids wouldn't get sick.
3. That the flap would continue to be healthy.
PRAY!!!!!
FLAP (new pseudo tongue/floor of mouth) MAY BE AT RISK!
PRAY GOD WOULD PRESERVE IT AND ANDREW.
PRAY GOD WOULD PRESERVE IT AND ANDREW.
SURGERY 3 - PLEASE PRAY!!!
Please pray for Andrew. He was taken back into the operating room again this morning because what originally appeared to be normal swelling in his neck and face continuously increased throughout yesterday and last night. They believe it is a vessel or something that's leaking in the neck.
They had him on blood thinners to make sure the blood continued to flow in the free-flap (his new pseudo tongue/floor of mouth) and not clot, but the risk is something like this happening.
Thankfully, the free-flap itself seems to be fine.
Please pray:
1. They'd be able to solve this problem
2. NO MORE COMPLICATIONS AT ALL.
- That the free-flap would continue to be okay and that he wouldn't get any infections or problems from being in surgery and taken apart this many times.
3. complete healing
They had him on blood thinners to make sure the blood continued to flow in the free-flap (his new pseudo tongue/floor of mouth) and not clot, but the risk is something like this happening.
Thankfully, the free-flap itself seems to be fine.
Please pray:
1. They'd be able to solve this problem
2. NO MORE COMPLICATIONS AT ALL.
- That the free-flap would continue to be okay and that he wouldn't get any infections or problems from being in surgery and taken apart this many times.
3. complete healing
Sunday, March 23, 2008
A Fountain Filled with Blood
Our Gory Savior
When I see Andrew with all the tubes draining red blood from all the surgery sites, three tubes running from his neck, one in his forearm, one in his upper leg where they took the skin graft, and another in his lower leg where they took his vein graft, large incisions in all those places, staples across his neck, and now today, his face, swollen like a balloon, even his eyeballs beginning to swell, I am reminded of our gory Savior and how Jesus was a man of Sorrows well acquainted with grief.
I always thought that respirators and blood transfusions were only used in last ditch efforts when someone was floating between this world and the next. Well for Andrew, blood transfusions and going on and off a respirator is a normal part of his day.
I stood at his bedside as he likes me to sing to him. Song after song, now, all the ones about Jesus' blood are more vivid than ever:
I know that as you carry this burden with us, many of you wish you could do more, or weren't so far away so that you could do something to help. Know that your prayers are the greatest thing you can do for us, because the One who's in charge of everything that happens hears them and is inclined to say "yes" to His children's requests. I believe that much of the strength and peace I have is directly due to God answering your prayers. If not for them, I would be stuck in discouragement and sinful lack of faith like I had felt yesterday morning. More than that, Andrew has survived two surgeries, and so far they seem to have done their job. See what help you have been to us through your prayers? What would we ever have done without them?
Secondly, you cannot imagine what strength and encouragement your notes and words give us. When we are reminded that God is using our trials in people's lives to love Him more, it makes concrete for us that our trials truly are not purposeless but for God's glory, which is always what His children are asking for, right?
I thought I would share some excerpts of things people, many of whom we've never met or haven't seen in years, have written that sum up what so many of you are saying and have given us great encouragement:
For the past three days, we've only had a total of two nurses, one that does the day 12-hour shift and another that does the night one, so they are becoming more and more familiar with us. Our day nurse, Lyndsey, glanced a picture on my laptop and said, "Oh, what does Andrew look like?" I hadn't realized that all these people who've been spending so much time with him and seeing him more vulnerable than anyone ever has would never even recognize him on the street and have never even heard his voice. I showed her our wedding pictures from our website. She said, "Oh he's handsome." And I said, "Yes, he's very handsome." A doctor walked in and I showed her too. "He's very handsome," I told her. Later, I played a voicemail to Lyndsey that I had asked Andrew to save onto my laptop for me. "He has a really nice voice too," I told her.
Andrew's flap continues to look good today. Praise the Lord. There was some concern about his leg bleeding a lot where they had taken the vein from yesterday, but they took him off the blood thinners for twenty minutes and that fixed it. It turns out his body is much more sensitive to the blood thinners than a normal person his size, so they had to greatly reduce the amount they give him from the normal protocal.
His face really swelled up today, which is what I had originally expected after his first surgery. They've been keeping an eye on that since it starkly contrasted his lack of swelling after the initial surgery. They wanted to make sure it was not due to bleeding that was failing to drain. They said, though, that most people actually swell up this much after this kind of surgery. Now that it's the end of the day, they are concluding that this is simply the normal swelling. Thank the Lord.
Thankfully, they finally started him on feeding him through a tube. This is the first time he's had any nutrition, other than fluids and glucose, since Wednesday night before the surgery. He was also able to get some sleep last night and it seems like he's sleeping right now, although it's hard to tell, because he has been keeping his eyes closed the whole day today, even when he's awake. They said they think he's pretty out of it, because he's on more than twice the pain meds he was on yesterday. I was also able to get some good rest last night. We can thank the Lord for answering those prayers for our rest and a feeding for him.
Continue to pray:
- peace in Andrew's heart despite all the discomfort and craziness
- complete healing. That he would be completely cancer-free.
- That the flap would continue to be healthy. And his leg (where they took the vein) and forearm (where they took the flap from) would heal without complication. They are becoming concerned about his leg again. Worst-case scenario would be taking him back to the OR for his leg, but no worries yet, they are just starting their concerns again.
- That Andrew would have no more mishaps
When I see Andrew with all the tubes draining red blood from all the surgery sites, three tubes running from his neck, one in his forearm, one in his upper leg where they took the skin graft, and another in his lower leg where they took his vein graft, large incisions in all those places, staples across his neck, and now today, his face, swollen like a balloon, even his eyeballs beginning to swell, I am reminded of our gory Savior and how Jesus was a man of Sorrows well acquainted with grief.
I always thought that respirators and blood transfusions were only used in last ditch efforts when someone was floating between this world and the next. Well for Andrew, blood transfusions and going on and off a respirator is a normal part of his day.
I stood at his bedside as he likes me to sing to him. Song after song, now, all the ones about Jesus' blood are more vivid than ever:
There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.
Lose all their guilty stains, lose all their guilty stains;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.
E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.
And shall be till I die, and shall be till I die;
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.
Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy power to save,
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.
Lies silent in the grave, lies silent in the grave;
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.
- There is a Fountain Filled with Blood, William Cowper
Bearing Our Burdens
I want to tell you what a huge encouragement so many of you are to us. We feel as if our church and so many of you are carrying this burden with us. Not only by meeting our physical needs like childcare, cleaning, or cooking for us, but most of all, ceaselessly praying for us. When I see people I hardly know at our church crying as they tell us how they are praying all day long all the time for us or people I haven't seen in years, or even people we don't know emailing me that, burdened in their own hearts as if they were in our very positions, I am relieved to know that someone is always holding us up in prayer, even if I am too exhausted or confused to pray at times. We are very grateful to God for you and know He must be at work if He could provoke you to such prayer and concern. Paul said to the Philippians: "You have done well to share with me in my affliction," for which the Lord would reward them. (Phil. 4:14, 17)
I want to tell you what a huge encouragement so many of you are to us. We feel as if our church and so many of you are carrying this burden with us. Not only by meeting our physical needs like childcare, cleaning, or cooking for us, but most of all, ceaselessly praying for us. When I see people I hardly know at our church crying as they tell us how they are praying all day long all the time for us or people I haven't seen in years, or even people we don't know emailing me that, burdened in their own hearts as if they were in our very positions, I am relieved to know that someone is always holding us up in prayer, even if I am too exhausted or confused to pray at times. We are very grateful to God for you and know He must be at work if He could provoke you to such prayer and concern. Paul said to the Philippians: "You have done well to share with me in my affliction," for which the Lord would reward them. (Phil. 4:14, 17)
Secondly, you cannot imagine what strength and encouragement your notes and words give us. When we are reminded that God is using our trials in people's lives to love Him more, it makes concrete for us that our trials truly are not purposeless but for God's glory, which is always what His children are asking for, right?
I thought I would share some excerpts of things people, many of whom we've never met or haven't seen in years, have written that sum up what so many of you are saying and have given us great encouragement:
We were thinking and praying about you and your family all day yesterday and will continue to do so!Enduring ICU
We are praying constantly for Andrew. Tonight, we're meeting up with some friends and we'll all pray together for Andrew.
I was awake so much last night…..praying for you.
[This one was written to the person in the above passage, then forwarded to us. We've never met the author:]
Thank you so very much for the update on Andrew and Grace. Interesting, I was awake a lot last night and early this morning and I was fervently praying for them.
I’ve been praying for you literally non-stop all day….and I’ve checked my email about 30 times to see if there is an update on your dear one. ..I awaken throughout the night praying for you. May our sovereign Lord give you incomprehensible comfort in this affliction.
He is the greatest Sustainer! Please remember that there are SOOO many people all over the world who love you and are praying for you...but God loves you more, SO much more than we ever could. There are very few "sure" things in life, but there is NO surer thing than God's love for us. We HAVE to lean on Him to survive.
I probably speak for all my brothers and sisters - it was a joy and a privilege (not without many tears) to pray to our merciful God to uphold, protect and strengthen you and to give Andrew a future that will be full of speaking and singing God's praise.
You don’t know me, but I want you to know that I am weeping for you, crying out on yours and Andrew’s behalf, hoping for you both, praying Psalm 23 for you, asking God to uphold you and Andrew and your children through the prayers of believers and bring comfort and healing to you both. I want that so badly for you and yet, please know that your walk with the Lord has been uplifting to me and certainly everyone who has been in this with you from the beginning. So, if there is any good to be looked for, any ‘why?’ to be answered I believe it will be found in the picture that can only be seen from a distance. You know…. those pixel pictures that don’t make any sense when you see them up close? But you step back, and there’s Jesus. I am seeing Isaac in Andrew – Isaac’s willingness to place himself in his father’s hands at the alter. It’s the trust in the midst of the valley, in the hands of the Good Shepherd. That’s what I see and what I’m praying for Andrew and for you….. and for myself to continue trusting on your behalf to uphold you when you are drained.
For the past three days, we've only had a total of two nurses, one that does the day 12-hour shift and another that does the night one, so they are becoming more and more familiar with us. Our day nurse, Lyndsey, glanced a picture on my laptop and said, "Oh, what does Andrew look like?" I hadn't realized that all these people who've been spending so much time with him and seeing him more vulnerable than anyone ever has would never even recognize him on the street and have never even heard his voice. I showed her our wedding pictures from our website. She said, "Oh he's handsome." And I said, "Yes, he's very handsome." A doctor walked in and I showed her too. "He's very handsome," I told her. Later, I played a voicemail to Lyndsey that I had asked Andrew to save onto my laptop for me. "He has a really nice voice too," I told her.
Andrew's flap continues to look good today. Praise the Lord. There was some concern about his leg bleeding a lot where they had taken the vein from yesterday, but they took him off the blood thinners for twenty minutes and that fixed it. It turns out his body is much more sensitive to the blood thinners than a normal person his size, so they had to greatly reduce the amount they give him from the normal protocal.
His face really swelled up today, which is what I had originally expected after his first surgery. They've been keeping an eye on that since it starkly contrasted his lack of swelling after the initial surgery. They wanted to make sure it was not due to bleeding that was failing to drain. They said, though, that most people actually swell up this much after this kind of surgery. Now that it's the end of the day, they are concluding that this is simply the normal swelling. Thank the Lord.
Thankfully, they finally started him on feeding him through a tube. This is the first time he's had any nutrition, other than fluids and glucose, since Wednesday night before the surgery. He was also able to get some sleep last night and it seems like he's sleeping right now, although it's hard to tell, because he has been keeping his eyes closed the whole day today, even when he's awake. They said they think he's pretty out of it, because he's on more than twice the pain meds he was on yesterday. I was also able to get some good rest last night. We can thank the Lord for answering those prayers for our rest and a feeding for him.
Continue to pray:
- peace in Andrew's heart despite all the discomfort and craziness
- complete healing. That he would be completely cancer-free.
- That the flap would continue to be healthy. And his leg (where they took the vein) and forearm (where they took the flap from) would heal without complication. They are becoming concerned about his leg again. Worst-case scenario would be taking him back to the OR for his leg, but no worries yet, they are just starting their concerns again.
- That Andrew would have no more mishaps
After the 2nd Surgery
Andrew finished surgery at 4pm and is doing well! The Lord heard our cries! The doctors were able to clear the clog in the free flap by grafting in a vein from his leg. He is resting now and Grace is praising the Lord not only for his mercy through the surgery but also for the body at RBC and everyone who has been praying and showing them such love through this time.
Due to various drama last night, I couldn’t leave Andrew. I only got 2 hours of sleep. The Lord truly sustained me today, though, because I felt fine. Nonetheless, I am hoping to go home and get some sleep tonight (There’s no beds in ICU).
God truly provided a peace that surpassed understanding for me and Andrew’s parents. We found such fellowship and comfort in each other in the waiting room today. The time passed quickly as we prayed before and after any news, lunch, anything at all. We felt like small children, safe in our Father’s arms, though we did not know what the next moment held. I am a witness to the reality that the weaker we are in ourselves, the more strength God provides to His children. I am telling you, there was absolutely no way I could have mustered that. Originally, when I first heard of Andrew’s threatened flap, I had felt so discouraged, but God answered people’s prayers for me and infused my heart with peace, and hope, and faith that He is faithful and able, and will take care of me no matter what.
Andrew is being pushed to the limits not only physically, but emotionally, and every other possible way. He has tubes coming out of everywhere, and he has to sleep sitting up, he breathes through his trache tube, which sometimes feels like he’s breathing through a straw or worse (but the oxygen levels are still very good. It just doesn’t feel like it). He’s not allowed to eat the day of surgery, so he was supposed to have his 1st feeding this morning, but instead was brought into surgery. And now again, he cannot eat the day of surgery. He keeps saying he wants to eat, but they can’t feed him yet. (He does get fluids and sugar, though, so he won’t starve to death.)
He is also sleep deprived. In ICU every hour they have to poke you with needles, turn on lights, and do all kinds of checks that necessarily wake him up. Imagine being sleep deprived, not eating since Wednesday night (It’s Saturday night), and feeling panicked at times that you can’t breathe. He is extremely frustrated and keeps saying he wants to eat or he wants to go home.
Please continue to pray:
1. that the free flap would take well and no further complications or mishaps.
2. the Lord's complete healing of his whole body.
3. For Andrew’s peace of mind and relief from all the discomfort and frustrations.
4. Pray I’d get the rest I need so I can continue to be healthy and take care of him.
Andrew tried to say a word this morning: "Internet." I was so amazed b/c he is not supposed to be able to talk at all with the tube in his throat.
Due to various drama last night, I couldn’t leave Andrew. I only got 2 hours of sleep. The Lord truly sustained me today, though, because I felt fine. Nonetheless, I am hoping to go home and get some sleep tonight (There’s no beds in ICU).
God truly provided a peace that surpassed understanding for me and Andrew’s parents. We found such fellowship and comfort in each other in the waiting room today. The time passed quickly as we prayed before and after any news, lunch, anything at all. We felt like small children, safe in our Father’s arms, though we did not know what the next moment held. I am a witness to the reality that the weaker we are in ourselves, the more strength God provides to His children. I am telling you, there was absolutely no way I could have mustered that. Originally, when I first heard of Andrew’s threatened flap, I had felt so discouraged, but God answered people’s prayers for me and infused my heart with peace, and hope, and faith that He is faithful and able, and will take care of me no matter what.
Andrew is being pushed to the limits not only physically, but emotionally, and every other possible way. He has tubes coming out of everywhere, and he has to sleep sitting up, he breathes through his trache tube, which sometimes feels like he’s breathing through a straw or worse (but the oxygen levels are still very good. It just doesn’t feel like it). He’s not allowed to eat the day of surgery, so he was supposed to have his 1st feeding this morning, but instead was brought into surgery. And now again, he cannot eat the day of surgery. He keeps saying he wants to eat, but they can’t feed him yet. (He does get fluids and sugar, though, so he won’t starve to death.)
He is also sleep deprived. In ICU every hour they have to poke you with needles, turn on lights, and do all kinds of checks that necessarily wake him up. Imagine being sleep deprived, not eating since Wednesday night (It’s Saturday night), and feeling panicked at times that you can’t breathe. He is extremely frustrated and keeps saying he wants to eat or he wants to go home.
Please continue to pray:
1. that the free flap would take well and no further complications or mishaps.
2. the Lord's complete healing of his whole body.
3. For Andrew’s peace of mind and relief from all the discomfort and frustrations.
4. Pray I’d get the rest I need so I can continue to be healthy and take care of him.
Andrew tried to say a word this morning: "Internet." I was so amazed b/c he is not supposed to be able to talk at all with the tube in his throat.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
URGENT REQUEST 2!
They have been in surgery with Andrew since 8am (12pm now). They are still exploring his neck for a blood clot somewhere to find out why the blood flow isn’t working. Pray that the doctors would find the blood clot and that the free-flap (chunk of forearm used to replace floor of mouth and tongue) would work. Pray that they wouldn’t have to graft a new vein for it to work. My father-in-law (his job is familiar with a lot of this stuff) says that a blood clot in general could be very dangerous to Andrew’s life.
1. To find clot
2. For free-flap (the new tongue and floor of mouth) to work with no more complications
3. for surgery to suddenly become easy for the doctors
1. To find clot
2. For free-flap (the new tongue and floor of mouth) to work with no more complications
3. for surgery to suddenly become easy for the doctors
URGENT PRAYER REQUEST
Andrew is back in the operating room. Blood was not flowing properly out of the free flap and the doctors are concerned about losing it. The free flap is the chunk from his forearm used to make a new tongue and floor of mouth. Please pray that they are able to fix whatever is impeding blood flow and that Andrew will not lose the flap. I have no idea what they would do if we lost that flap.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Post-surgery
Andrew is doing well. They finished Andrew's surgery at 3am. They left a quarter of his tongue and didn't have to remove his jaw bone. The doctor believes he was able to get the tumors out.
He is remarkably alert for someone who's practically been hit by a truck. Most people are not this alert for a few days. He can't talk because of the trache tube they put in his throat for the next week.
When I first entered his room this morning, he winked his eyes at me. I said, "You want your glasses?" He nodded yes. When we had to end our visit while the nurses worked on him, he gave his father the most grateful look after Dad read some Bible verses to him. And then he pursed his lips to me like a kiss as I waved goodbye to him and he had a happy look for a moment. I felt so much more encouraged after that. It was like I had my Andrew back and we could communicate with small gestures like that. He also can write notes.
Please pray for miraculous healing and recovery.
Never has the gravity of cancer in our lives been so real to me. I think I could spout all the facts of what the doctors told us these past two cancer bouts because I was always just floating. When I would tell people at church what was going on with Andrew's cancer, they always looked so horrified and worried. I said that I must not realize the gravity of the situation the way people looking on did. Well, now I know.
Most people will never have to go through the horrors I did for just a few minutes while Andrew was in surgery. Few people will have to make a decision in a few minutes where their husband's life feels like it is solely in one's own hands, while he is sleeping. Describing it to you would never make you know what the suffering is. One could never know the difficulty of fearing for your husband's life in a real way unless they actually experience it. I hope you never do. I nearly fainted, and I felt like if I did, I would never revive. But the Lord rescued me. I never imagined misery like that, and I only experienced it for a few minutes, and now know it is only the tip of an iceberg of what misery it could be. So for now, I do not even want you to have to hear what it is like.
Instead, I would rather think about happier things. I thought I might share with you from a "joint journal" I started when Andrew and I were dating less than five hears ago. It was for writing notes to each other in it, verses that were impactful to us, and recording ways God was working in our lives. We lost track of it, though, once I got pregnant with Gracie, but I finally found it after our most recent move in January.
This is a passage I wrote after three months of marriage when Andrew was on a business trip in San Antonio. With the exception of two three-hour periods, we had literally been inseparable since we were married until two weeks prior to that, because Andrew had not started working and we traveled that whole time. Suddenly being apart for an entire week, it was like we had separation anxiety. Andrew immediately got a cold and I felt fear wherever I went (I'm not even sure exactly what I was afraid of.) I read this to him just now and it seemed to encourage
He is remarkably alert for someone who's practically been hit by a truck. Most people are not this alert for a few days. He can't talk because of the trache tube they put in his throat for the next week.
When I first entered his room this morning, he winked his eyes at me. I said, "You want your glasses?" He nodded yes. When we had to end our visit while the nurses worked on him, he gave his father the most grateful look after Dad read some Bible verses to him. And then he pursed his lips to me like a kiss as I waved goodbye to him and he had a happy look for a moment. I felt so much more encouraged after that. It was like I had my Andrew back and we could communicate with small gestures like that. He also can write notes.
Please pray for miraculous healing and recovery.
Never has the gravity of cancer in our lives been so real to me. I think I could spout all the facts of what the doctors told us these past two cancer bouts because I was always just floating. When I would tell people at church what was going on with Andrew's cancer, they always looked so horrified and worried. I said that I must not realize the gravity of the situation the way people looking on did. Well, now I know.
Most people will never have to go through the horrors I did for just a few minutes while Andrew was in surgery. Few people will have to make a decision in a few minutes where their husband's life feels like it is solely in one's own hands, while he is sleeping. Describing it to you would never make you know what the suffering is. One could never know the difficulty of fearing for your husband's life in a real way unless they actually experience it. I hope you never do. I nearly fainted, and I felt like if I did, I would never revive. But the Lord rescued me. I never imagined misery like that, and I only experienced it for a few minutes, and now know it is only the tip of an iceberg of what misery it could be. So for now, I do not even want you to have to hear what it is like.
Instead, I would rather think about happier things. I thought I might share with you from a "joint journal" I started when Andrew and I were dating less than five hears ago. It was for writing notes to each other in it, verses that were impactful to us, and recording ways God was working in our lives. We lost track of it, though, once I got pregnant with Gracie, but I finally found it after our most recent move in January.
This is a passage I wrote after three months of marriage when Andrew was on a business trip in San Antonio. With the exception of two three-hour periods, we had literally been inseparable since we were married until two weeks prior to that, because Andrew had not started working and we traveled that whole time. Suddenly being apart for an entire week, it was like we had separation anxiety. Andrew immediately got a cold and I felt fear wherever I went (I'm not even sure exactly what I was afraid of.) I read this to him just now and it seemed to encourage
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
When we were engaged, I knew that most of my love for you, as powerful and as compelling-to-do-anything-to-be-with-you as it was, was more like infatuation. I knew that solid love could only come with the commitment and abandonment of one's self to "oneness," to marriage, and nothing less.
The day after we were married, I felt as if I were a new person - and we were. I loved you in a whole new, almost tangible way. And now, after three months, my love for you cannot even compare with the love I had for you before. And I loved you pre-marriage. I loved you probably from before we hardly knew each other. I loved you as if my gut was attached to you and you held my lungs in your hands. Now, you are my lungs. And I am your lungs.
Clearly, the Lord wants to teach us something this week, as we are both struggling with tremendous fear.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul
and all that is within me.
Bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget none of His benefits.
who pardons all your iniquities,
who heals all your diseass,
who redeems your soul from the pit,
who crowns you with lovingkindness
and tender mercies.
- psalm 103:1-4
The Lord has made you my husband. I love you because I love Him.
Dear Father, I pray You would strengthen Andrew tomorrow with Your Holy Spirit. Grow his view of You that his view of people might shrink. Help him to truly fear You that he would not fear men. Help him to truly love the people he is with, so that rather than fear them and be timid, he might minister to them. Help him to be a light, brightly shining before them. Dear Father, help him to put You on display. Please also allow him to learn a lot and make him into an excellent engineer for Your glory. We praise You, Father, for being all-sufficient, and that when we are weak, then we are strong as we depend on You. Help us to depend upon You and not ourselves tomorrow. Sustain and strengthen us. Protect us from evil, temptation, or mishaps. Help us to love you first. We love You, Father. In Jesus name, Amen.
Please pray:
- Complete healing. That he would be as good as new and that he would be completely cancer-free- that we would believe and trust that God is faithful and good no matter what. Pray I can be an encouragement to Andrew.- that all of the skin grafts would continue to work successfully
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Some Words...
ANDREW WRITES:
Tonight was an awesome night. We went to prayer meeting and were so encouraged by the brethren. Keep the encouraging emails coming as well. And if you can, please visit me in the hospital.
Lord willing, I'll be talking on this blog again soon. Love you all.
Click on the picture below to view.
Tonight was an awesome night. We went to prayer meeting and were so encouraged by the brethren. Keep the encouraging emails coming as well. And if you can, please visit me in the hospital.
Lord willing, I'll be talking on this blog again soon. Love you all.
Click on the picture below to view.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
When Sorrow Comes
ANDREW WRITES:
Today was an encouraging day.
This morning I wrote letters to my wife and children in case anything happened to me. As I was writing letters to them I was thinking about all the things I love about them and putting it writing. The Lord has blessed me so much with such a wonderful family. It just seems so perfect for me to have them in my life.
After lunch I went outside with the kids and made a snowman in the fresh snow. AJ loved it. He is really going to miss the snow once it all melts off.
Later in the afternoon Grace sent out an email asking if anybody wanted to come over after dinner to sing and pray with us. We weren't expecting anybody to be able to come because it was such late notice. As we were finishing up dinner the doorbell rang and David Ward came in with a guitar. Then shortly after came the Beck's, the Glenns, the Jay's and the Smerillos. It was such a wonderful time of singing, fellowship and prayer. I was moved to tears seeing all of these people that love us and care for us. It reminded me that God loves me so much more than even they do. And God is going to take care of me no matter what. I'm am His precious child.
One of the things I've been struggling with this week is dreading the pain of surgery, and perhaps even pain for the rest of my life. In the Lord's sovereignty I was greatly encouraged by a special song David wrote today for us called "When Sorrow Comes" with lyrics by Eric Schumacher
Verse 2-3
I rest in knowing He's the one
Who sends the clouds that block the sun.
For He grows faith through bouts with pain
As flowers blossom from the rain,
In this my bout with pain is won:
That He has claimed me in His Son
and does as every Father should--
He gives the gifts He knows are good.
No depth below, nor height above
Could ever keep me from Your love.
For since You gave your Son to bleed
I know that You will grant each need.
O Lord, Your gracious help I seek,
Remember that my flesh is weak.
O Father, give me eyes to see
That you work only good for me.
Today was an encouraging day.
This morning I wrote letters to my wife and children in case anything happened to me. As I was writing letters to them I was thinking about all the things I love about them and putting it writing. The Lord has blessed me so much with such a wonderful family. It just seems so perfect for me to have them in my life.
After lunch I went outside with the kids and made a snowman in the fresh snow. AJ loved it. He is really going to miss the snow once it all melts off.
Later in the afternoon Grace sent out an email asking if anybody wanted to come over after dinner to sing and pray with us. We weren't expecting anybody to be able to come because it was such late notice. As we were finishing up dinner the doorbell rang and David Ward came in with a guitar. Then shortly after came the Beck's, the Glenns, the Jay's and the Smerillos. It was such a wonderful time of singing, fellowship and prayer. I was moved to tears seeing all of these people that love us and care for us. It reminded me that God loves me so much more than even they do. And God is going to take care of me no matter what. I'm am His precious child.
One of the things I've been struggling with this week is dreading the pain of surgery, and perhaps even pain for the rest of my life. In the Lord's sovereignty I was greatly encouraged by a special song David wrote today for us called "When Sorrow Comes" with lyrics by Eric Schumacher
Verse 2-3
I rest in knowing He's the one
Who sends the clouds that block the sun.
For He grows faith through bouts with pain
As flowers blossom from the rain,
In this my bout with pain is won:
That He has claimed me in His Son
and does as every Father should--
He gives the gifts He knows are good.
No depth below, nor height above
Could ever keep me from Your love.
For since You gave your Son to bleed
I know that You will grant each need.
O Lord, Your gracious help I seek,
Remember that my flesh is weak.
O Father, give me eyes to see
That you work only good for me.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Surgery - What's to Come
'what's up, doc?'
On Wednesday morning, we visited Dr. Yueh at the University of Minnesota. He clarified a few things for us.
Thankfully the tumor isn't encasing Andrew's carotid artery, although it is up against it, which is perfectly fine for removal. Additionally, he does believe the tumor is against the important nerves, but it doesn't matter anymore, because he believes he has to completely remove the right side of Andrew's tongue, so he doesn't need those nerves anyway.
Also, our surgeon last year, Dr. Futran, called that night and his opinion is in agreement with that of Dr. Yueh.
Dr. Yueh will perform the surgery next Thursday, March 20th. His specialty is tumor removal, which is what is most important to us, and we feel confident he can do an excellent job. Additionally, after following us the past few months, he is most familiar with our case out of all the doctors. A woman, Dr. Lassig, whom he highly recommends, will perform the reconstructive surgery immediately after he finishes. We will check in around 5am for a 7am surgery.
There is a great range of possibilities how they may proceed in surgery, because it's really so difficult to know what's going on in Andrew's body unless they've opened him up and taken a look in person in real time. Here's a lay person's explanation of what a CT scan looks like: It's kind of like an x-ray, you know on dark paper, but in addition to your bones, muscle and everything in your general anatomy light up. When there's a bump or another mass than your normal anatomy in the un-silhouette, then it's likely cancer. An untrained eye probably wouldn't notice a cancerous tumor, because it can be as small as 1 cm (anything smaller doesn't show up on the scans). It's very difficult to discern, however, what is an unusual mass in Andrew's scans, since everything in Andrew's mouth and neck anatomy are unusual. There's scar tissue in some places and then stuff missing in other places. What's tumor and what's just scar tissue?
So they have to surmise a lot of things, based on the scans and physically feeling into Andrew's mouth and touching his neck from the outside, using a tube to look into him with their eyes. Based on his symptoms, such as increasing pain in his ear (there is a nerve that connects from the ear to the tongue), increasing difficulty swallowing, and only within the past few weeks, a bump in his neck, they do not think the cancer is just in one contained mass. In addition to a mass, it seems like the cancer spots the floor of his mouth and tongue. And so they'll have to remove all around the spotty area.
So the first thing they are going to do when they open Andrew up is a bunch of biopsies again to double-check that all the areas they suspect is cancerous. Then they will put the samples under the microscope.
If the biopsies look questionable or negative, then they will have to stop proceeding and close him up.
They cannot remove all that stuff unless they are absolutely certain it is cancerous. But it will take a few more days for the samples to come back with a definitive result. For instance, at Andrew's last biopsy a few weeks ago, when they immediately put it under the microscope, they said it just looked like scar tissue. But when the definitive results came back a few days later, it turned out to be malignant for carcinoma.
Please pray that the biopsy will be correct during the surgery.
I wouldn't want it to come back questionable, then close him up, and then a few days later they say it is positive and they still need to do the surgery, but they can't fit him in for a few weeks. We do not want the tumor growing any more and we want to get this thing out as soon as possible.
Due to the fact that Andrew got cancer at such an early age, and since surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy were not successful, this tumor is clearly very aggressive. Not in the sense of growing as quickly as some types of cancer, but in the sense that it does not want to give up easily. Thus, Dr. Yueh wants to aggressively cut out as much as reasonably possible, since chemotherapy and radiation are not liable options for treatment.
The next step in surgery are the following possibilities:
Best case scenario:
Remove the rest of the right side of his tongue. In addition, remove the floor of his mouth. Replace it all with a chunk of his forearm. The result is his speech may be as good as it is now but his swallowing may be greatly affected.
Worst case scenario:
Remove the entire tongue, floor of the mouth, and the right jaw bone. For reconstruction, again, they will use a chunk of the forearm. They will use the fibula from the leg to replace his jaw bone. Then they will use some of his thigh to cover the forearm and leg. This may cause him arm and leg pain and even a limp. He may be able to eventually talk (though difficult to understand), but being capable of swallowing is questionable.
Andrew becoming Robocop and being rebuilt sounds so surreal to me. It sounds more like a sci-fi movie then something that could actually happen in our lives.
Pray that the cancer is contained enough to only require the easier surgery.
Surgery will be much more extensive than last time. They will have to navigate through scar tissue as well as figure out where Dr. Futran had moved various nerves and other anatomy in Andrew's neck. One good thing is that at least Dr. Yueh is very familiar with Dr. Futran's work.
Additionally, reconstruction will be required, which it wasn't last year. The forearm is used as a pseudo-tongue and floor of mouth because it is the most veiny part of the body and has the most success with being reattached to a different area. Reconstruction is very meticulous, as Dr. Lassig reconnects the various veins of the forearm with the veins in his mouth. Last year's surgery was 4 hours. This time it will be a minimum of 10-12 hours.
Andrew should be in the hospital for up to two weeks and then it should take at least an additional month to heal. Of course, learning how to speak again and stuff will take months.
'what are you two laughing at?'
I'm so thankful for the sermon last Sunday (Scroll to bottom of page and Click on Prayer for Healing March 09, 2008) about what God's Word says about healing. I feel so convinced like never before that the life of a man is completely in the Lord's hands. That truth really prepared me for this last week's doctor's appointments. I mean, I would have said that before, but my anxiety, fear, and doubt would have betrayed otherwise. Of course, I still struggle, but in the moment, the Lord provided all the grace we needed to hear what the doctor's were going to do. When we go to the Lord, the weaker we are, the more strength God provides. Sometimes, I feel like God is providing so much strength, and peace, and joy, I don't even feel like myself. I feel like a totally different, hopeful person. In the days of those appointments last week, the Lord gave me such certainty that the life of a man does not rest in the hands of a doctor. And if you've talked to as many doctors as we have, a doctor doesn't even pretend to think he holds a man's life in his hands. He knows from experience that it doesn't. He can do the best job he can, but the results are unpredictable. And so it hardly mattered what the doctor said, because he doesn't have the final word.
"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted" (Job 42:2).
The length of a man's life was written before time began. And Andrew's health and the various things that happen to him are also in God's hands. Yes, nothing can thwart the sovereign hand of God.
Truthfully, I was floating when they told us all this information Wednesday, because I was like, "Well I'm expecting a miracle and they're not even going to find cancer in him."
Then I thought, "But, Grace, how are you going to prepare if God says 'no' to your prayers? Are you only going to have the length of the surgery to prepare mentally when the surgeon doesn't come out to tell you the good news?"
Then I thought, "Just relax, Grace. It's good for you just to be hearing what the plan is. That's orientation in itself."
And slowly, what they told us has been sinking in as we make all the preparations. Andrew's parents will be arriving Tuesday and his mom will be able to stay with us for the next six weeks. I stocked up at Trader Joe's and we've been trying to get everything squared away that we won't be free to do in the next two months, like filing our taxes, etc.
We still had to laugh about it, though. I said to Andrew in the car. "Andrew, when they open you up, Dr. Yueh's going to be like, 'This doesn't even look like cancer --'"
Andrew finished Dr. Yueh's sentence for me: "A gummy worm? What's that doing in here?"
"Oh that Dr. Futran," I continued for him. "I keep telling him not to eat his gummy worms in surgery."
grappling
I have to say, on Friday, when Andrew mentioned in hardly a phrase the possibility that cancer could overtake him, my mind's eye raced with images. My spirit was crushed. I had never considered the possibility this time around. After cancer last year, we lived with uncertainty. But uncertainty is much better than thoughts about death. Uncertainty means we don't know what the future holds, but we do know what's right in front of us, which is Andrew, alive, right this moment. So I asked my brother-in-law/pastor last night when we had dinner with his family, what should I do if God chooses to say 'no' to my prayer for miraculous healing. He said, "We have to remember that if God chooses not to heal Andrew, it's because He has something better instead."
It was such an encouragement to hear that. Praise God because His sovereign will is always kind and always for His glory, which, when it comes down to it, is what all believers long for most of all.
He reminded me, too, that God will provide the grace to handle then what happens during surgery. But not before. His grace is sufficient for today, but not tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough cares of its own. Don't we believers need to be reminded the truth over and over? Don't we sometimes feel so weak, we just need someone to tell us what to think, we don't even have the strength to know up from down?
We are praying for miraculous complete healing before the surgery. I know God can do that. If He chooses. For as many tragic stories we've heard, having been through cancer last year, we have been a magnet for just as many positive stories. God still heals people today. Our friend, Erik Greene, is just one example of that. He survived three leukemia bouts as a child. Doctors study him because there are hardly any others like him. And then last year, the night before he was intending to meet with Andrew to encourage him, he was unexpectedly raced to the emergency room. They didn't believe he would survive the night. He fell into a coma but survived. After a few weeks, one doctor said his wife should unplug him. Well, he is living and walking around and with his wife and four kids right now! And there are many other stories of hopeless cancer cases, much worse than Andrew's, after the elders prayed for them, inexplicably going into remission. At our church, we have all been constantly repenting of our unbelief and begging God to heal Andrew miraculously. Please join us.
Please pray for HAS a tongue:
* HEALING
- MIRACULOUS total and complete healing once and for all before the surgery
* ACCURATE INITIAL BIOPSIES
* SURGERY
- EASIEST surgery would only be necessary (if God chooses not to heal him miraculously)
- SUCCESSFUL surgery completely with no mishaps
The following message is such a blessing and has changed everything for us. Please click HERE, Then scroll to bottom of page, and Click on Prayer for Healing March 09, 2008. We all need to listen to this Biblical preaching on what God says about healing.
On Wednesday morning, we visited Dr. Yueh at the University of Minnesota. He clarified a few things for us.
Thankfully the tumor isn't encasing Andrew's carotid artery, although it is up against it, which is perfectly fine for removal. Additionally, he does believe the tumor is against the important nerves, but it doesn't matter anymore, because he believes he has to completely remove the right side of Andrew's tongue, so he doesn't need those nerves anyway.
Also, our surgeon last year, Dr. Futran, called that night and his opinion is in agreement with that of Dr. Yueh.
Dr. Yueh will perform the surgery next Thursday, March 20th. His specialty is tumor removal, which is what is most important to us, and we feel confident he can do an excellent job. Additionally, after following us the past few months, he is most familiar with our case out of all the doctors. A woman, Dr. Lassig, whom he highly recommends, will perform the reconstructive surgery immediately after he finishes. We will check in around 5am for a 7am surgery.
There is a great range of possibilities how they may proceed in surgery, because it's really so difficult to know what's going on in Andrew's body unless they've opened him up and taken a look in person in real time. Here's a lay person's explanation of what a CT scan looks like: It's kind of like an x-ray, you know on dark paper, but in addition to your bones, muscle and everything in your general anatomy light up. When there's a bump or another mass than your normal anatomy in the un-silhouette, then it's likely cancer. An untrained eye probably wouldn't notice a cancerous tumor, because it can be as small as 1 cm (anything smaller doesn't show up on the scans). It's very difficult to discern, however, what is an unusual mass in Andrew's scans, since everything in Andrew's mouth and neck anatomy are unusual. There's scar tissue in some places and then stuff missing in other places. What's tumor and what's just scar tissue?
So they have to surmise a lot of things, based on the scans and physically feeling into Andrew's mouth and touching his neck from the outside, using a tube to look into him with their eyes. Based on his symptoms, such as increasing pain in his ear (there is a nerve that connects from the ear to the tongue), increasing difficulty swallowing, and only within the past few weeks, a bump in his neck, they do not think the cancer is just in one contained mass. In addition to a mass, it seems like the cancer spots the floor of his mouth and tongue. And so they'll have to remove all around the spotty area.
So the first thing they are going to do when they open Andrew up is a bunch of biopsies again to double-check that all the areas they suspect is cancerous. Then they will put the samples under the microscope.
If the biopsies look questionable or negative, then they will have to stop proceeding and close him up.
They cannot remove all that stuff unless they are absolutely certain it is cancerous. But it will take a few more days for the samples to come back with a definitive result. For instance, at Andrew's last biopsy a few weeks ago, when they immediately put it under the microscope, they said it just looked like scar tissue. But when the definitive results came back a few days later, it turned out to be malignant for carcinoma.
Please pray that the biopsy will be correct during the surgery.
I wouldn't want it to come back questionable, then close him up, and then a few days later they say it is positive and they still need to do the surgery, but they can't fit him in for a few weeks. We do not want the tumor growing any more and we want to get this thing out as soon as possible.
Due to the fact that Andrew got cancer at such an early age, and since surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy were not successful, this tumor is clearly very aggressive. Not in the sense of growing as quickly as some types of cancer, but in the sense that it does not want to give up easily. Thus, Dr. Yueh wants to aggressively cut out as much as reasonably possible, since chemotherapy and radiation are not liable options for treatment.
The next step in surgery are the following possibilities:
Best case scenario:
Remove the rest of the right side of his tongue. In addition, remove the floor of his mouth. Replace it all with a chunk of his forearm. The result is his speech may be as good as it is now but his swallowing may be greatly affected.
Worst case scenario:
Remove the entire tongue, floor of the mouth, and the right jaw bone. For reconstruction, again, they will use a chunk of the forearm. They will use the fibula from the leg to replace his jaw bone. Then they will use some of his thigh to cover the forearm and leg. This may cause him arm and leg pain and even a limp. He may be able to eventually talk (though difficult to understand), but being capable of swallowing is questionable.
Andrew becoming Robocop and being rebuilt sounds so surreal to me. It sounds more like a sci-fi movie then something that could actually happen in our lives.
Pray that the cancer is contained enough to only require the easier surgery.
Surgery will be much more extensive than last time. They will have to navigate through scar tissue as well as figure out where Dr. Futran had moved various nerves and other anatomy in Andrew's neck. One good thing is that at least Dr. Yueh is very familiar with Dr. Futran's work.
Additionally, reconstruction will be required, which it wasn't last year. The forearm is used as a pseudo-tongue and floor of mouth because it is the most veiny part of the body and has the most success with being reattached to a different area. Reconstruction is very meticulous, as Dr. Lassig reconnects the various veins of the forearm with the veins in his mouth. Last year's surgery was 4 hours. This time it will be a minimum of 10-12 hours.
Andrew should be in the hospital for up to two weeks and then it should take at least an additional month to heal. Of course, learning how to speak again and stuff will take months.
'what are you two laughing at?'
I'm so thankful for the sermon last Sunday (Scroll to bottom of page and Click on Prayer for Healing March 09, 2008) about what God's Word says about healing. I feel so convinced like never before that the life of a man is completely in the Lord's hands. That truth really prepared me for this last week's doctor's appointments. I mean, I would have said that before, but my anxiety, fear, and doubt would have betrayed otherwise. Of course, I still struggle, but in the moment, the Lord provided all the grace we needed to hear what the doctor's were going to do. When we go to the Lord, the weaker we are, the more strength God provides. Sometimes, I feel like God is providing so much strength, and peace, and joy, I don't even feel like myself. I feel like a totally different, hopeful person. In the days of those appointments last week, the Lord gave me such certainty that the life of a man does not rest in the hands of a doctor. And if you've talked to as many doctors as we have, a doctor doesn't even pretend to think he holds a man's life in his hands. He knows from experience that it doesn't. He can do the best job he can, but the results are unpredictable. And so it hardly mattered what the doctor said, because he doesn't have the final word.
"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted" (Job 42:2).
The length of a man's life was written before time began. And Andrew's health and the various things that happen to him are also in God's hands. Yes, nothing can thwart the sovereign hand of God.
Truthfully, I was floating when they told us all this information Wednesday, because I was like, "Well I'm expecting a miracle and they're not even going to find cancer in him."
Then I thought, "But, Grace, how are you going to prepare if God says 'no' to your prayers? Are you only going to have the length of the surgery to prepare mentally when the surgeon doesn't come out to tell you the good news?"
Then I thought, "Just relax, Grace. It's good for you just to be hearing what the plan is. That's orientation in itself."
And slowly, what they told us has been sinking in as we make all the preparations. Andrew's parents will be arriving Tuesday and his mom will be able to stay with us for the next six weeks. I stocked up at Trader Joe's and we've been trying to get everything squared away that we won't be free to do in the next two months, like filing our taxes, etc.
We still had to laugh about it, though. I said to Andrew in the car. "Andrew, when they open you up, Dr. Yueh's going to be like, 'This doesn't even look like cancer --'"
Andrew finished Dr. Yueh's sentence for me: "A gummy worm? What's that doing in here?"
"Oh that Dr. Futran," I continued for him. "I keep telling him not to eat his gummy worms in surgery."
grappling
I have to say, on Friday, when Andrew mentioned in hardly a phrase the possibility that cancer could overtake him, my mind's eye raced with images. My spirit was crushed. I had never considered the possibility this time around. After cancer last year, we lived with uncertainty. But uncertainty is much better than thoughts about death. Uncertainty means we don't know what the future holds, but we do know what's right in front of us, which is Andrew, alive, right this moment. So I asked my brother-in-law/pastor last night when we had dinner with his family, what should I do if God chooses to say 'no' to my prayer for miraculous healing. He said, "We have to remember that if God chooses not to heal Andrew, it's because He has something better instead."
It was such an encouragement to hear that. Praise God because His sovereign will is always kind and always for His glory, which, when it comes down to it, is what all believers long for most of all.
He reminded me, too, that God will provide the grace to handle then what happens during surgery. But not before. His grace is sufficient for today, but not tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough cares of its own. Don't we believers need to be reminded the truth over and over? Don't we sometimes feel so weak, we just need someone to tell us what to think, we don't even have the strength to know up from down?
We are praying for miraculous complete healing before the surgery. I know God can do that. If He chooses. For as many tragic stories we've heard, having been through cancer last year, we have been a magnet for just as many positive stories. God still heals people today. Our friend, Erik Greene, is just one example of that. He survived three leukemia bouts as a child. Doctors study him because there are hardly any others like him. And then last year, the night before he was intending to meet with Andrew to encourage him, he was unexpectedly raced to the emergency room. They didn't believe he would survive the night. He fell into a coma but survived. After a few weeks, one doctor said his wife should unplug him. Well, he is living and walking around and with his wife and four kids right now! And there are many other stories of hopeless cancer cases, much worse than Andrew's, after the elders prayed for them, inexplicably going into remission. At our church, we have all been constantly repenting of our unbelief and begging God to heal Andrew miraculously. Please join us.
Please pray for HAS a tongue:
* HEALING
- MIRACULOUS total and complete healing once and for all before the surgery
* ACCURATE INITIAL BIOPSIES
* SURGERY
- EASIEST surgery would only be necessary (if God chooses not to heal him miraculously)
- SUCCESSFUL surgery completely with no mishaps
The following message is such a blessing and has changed everything for us. Please click HERE, Then scroll to bottom of page, and Click on Prayer for Healing March 09, 2008. We all need to listen to this Biblical preaching on what God says about healing.
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