Differing Opinions

ANDREW WRITES:

This week was another relatively difficult one for me, both physically and mentally.

The good news is that my PET scan on Thursday showed no other cancer in my body, and confirmed the diagnosis from both of my doctors. Praise God for answering that prayer. So both Dr. Moore and Dr. Futran agree that I have cancer, and that it is a 2-3 cm tumor on the right side of my tongue. Where they differ is the procedure to remove it. I always thought there was a textbook that outlines THE WAY to do stuff, but apparently there isn't. So here's the scoop:

1) Dr. Moore, from the Swedish Medical Center, did a more thorough examination of the cancer while I was asleep, and has determined that he cannot remove it intraorally, meaning that he can't just stick a scalpal in my mouth and cut it out. He says that I will need to cut my jaw in half and rotate it out like a door so that he can get to the right rear corner of my tongue. The key here is to remove the cancerous tumor along with a margin of healthy tissue to make sure it does not come back. Dr. Moore is also saying that it is likely that radiation will be needed, but he will know for certain once they remove the tissue and look at the edges of to see if any cancerous tissue may still be left in my mouth.

2) Dr. Futran, from the University of Washington, did not put me to sleep to examine my mouth, but merely felt the tumor with his fingers while in his office. Dr. Futran made it seem like this was going to be really easy to remove intraorally, and would not require and special cutting and reconstruction of the jaw. He did mention, however, that if he really needed to he could drop the tongue into the throat and remove the tumor that way. This makes me a little nervous, though, because he promised a simple procedure but he hasn't taken that close of a look at it. Dr. Futran is also reluctant to do radiation treatment on somebody as young as me, since there is a chance of causing radiation induced cancer in the future.

So in the end I'm left with two very different opinions, from two very well-respected doctors. So who do I go with? I actually feel comfortable with either one, but I do prefer the simpler procedure. My only concern is whether or not the simple procedure will really get the whole tumor out.

I suppose I'll just have to think about it and pray for wisdom. In the end I need to make a decision, and live with the consequences of it. The good thing is that I believe in a sovereign God, and that I am a child of the King. So what do I have to lose? I just need to be faithful to do the research, seek guidance and make a decision about my treatment. God is the one who moves that hands of the surgeons, so I just need to entrust myself to God, and He will take care of the rest.

Intro to OR

ANDREW WRITES:

Wednesday 1/31/07

Today I went in for another biopsy of the cancer tissue on my tongue as well as a laryngoscopy of the throat. I'll know the results this Friday when I meet with Dr. Moore again at the Swedish Medical Center. I've never had surgury at a hospital before. This was kind of a primer for the upcoming surgury that will actually remove the tumor. It was an interesting experience to say the least, and in the end, I was disappointed.

When we finally arrived at 6:30 AM we met with a receptionist, then a person, then a nurse's assistant, then a nurse, then a different nurse, then the another nurse, then the guy who ran the waiting area, then another nurse who poked me, then another nurse who took me to the operating room where the anethesiologist was waiting for me with a needle. After they put a couple of warm blankets on me, I looked around at all the really cool gadgets in the room. An engineer in an operating room is like a 4-year old in a candy store. Too bad everything went dark 10 seconds later. I was dissappointed that I didn't even get to see those high circular lights turn on, or even meet the darn surgeon!

So I woke up with a bruised lip, a nasty sore throat, and a very painful cancerous sore on my tongue. Then I slept most of the rest of the day while on vicodon. I havn't eaten anything solid today, and unfortunately I can't eat anything at all other than milk, and eggs after 8PM tonight and nothing but water after 5AM because I have a PET scan tomorrow. To top it all off, the VanDerbekens brought over a wonderful meal that looked really good, but I couldn't eat it.

Anyhow, despite the interesting day I had, my family is a boat load of fun. My kids are really special. My mom would have called me special too. But when she says special she means that I had a special way of being disobedient, playing mean pranks, making messes, breaking things and nearly compromising my life. My kids are definately not THAT special.

Anyhow, we pray that there is no other cancer in my body, and if there is the, PET scan will reveal it. Tomorrow will be another adventure in sterile white corridors of First Hill in Seattle.

Encouraging News

God has been answering so much prayer:

1. It doesn’t seem like the cancer has spread
2. It seems like it is in an early stage (stage 2).
3. It seems like the cancer may be able to be taken care of without complication
4. Our insurance will pay for the PET scan!
5. we were able to get both appointments with two opinions this week (Swedish and UW), despite how they initially said we wouldn’t be able to get an appt. until next week
6. The children have done great this week (that wasn’t even in the email prayer requests)
7. Andrew (and me) have been so greatly encouraged. We thought he was going to die when we first found out and felt so hopeless. Now, the Lord has not only given us such great hope about him surviving this, but we are sooooo much happier in Him than we were before this trial. God is so so good.
8. We are learning soooo much through this trial, and God is greatly purifying us.

It doesn’t look like God has denied us even one of our requests. Please do not stop praying yet, though, and that these desires would fully come to fruition. You are ministering most hugely to us just by praying. And though it is to us you are ministering, the Lord will bless you greatly. It is so great to see the Lord prove His promises and show His Word is true over and over. We are also so grateful for you, our brothers and sisters in the Lord.

I’m so thankful they won’t have to destroy his perfect jaw!

- While we think we may go with Dr. Futran, please continue to pray for wisdom about which doctor and which options to take

- In addition to continue praying about the requests that seem to be being answered listed above,

- please pray that they wouldn’t miss any of the cancer when they are removing it

- and that no cancer only in the molecular size would form or remain.

Soul Food

This whole cancer thing so far has taught our family so much about God, ourselves, and life in general. This past week was one of really low lows, but yet at the same time some really high highs. I'm so thankful for my precious wife that stands by me and helps me up when I am down. I'll never forget how much she encouraged me and helped me this week. I wouldn't be much without her by my side. Here are a few things we've been learning recently:

1) The Lord is Good - David says in the midst of his afflictions in Ps. 34 "Taste and see that the Lord is good". Even in the depths of my worries, pain and difficulties thus far, God has shown us a glimpse of how good He truly is. When our cup is made deeper by trials and pain He is faithful to fill it with His grace. When the ground falls out from beneath your feet your faith is tested, and it is in that testing that you come to a deeper realization of WHY you love God - because He has given me more than I deserve right now anyway. Cancer ain't as bad as what I really deserve. My greatest sickness, the sickness of sin, has been taken care of on the cross.

2) How desperately we need the church family - God has truly blessed us with our church in Marysville, WA. What would be do without the people there? Not only has he used our church family to teach us and train us these past several years, but He has also used them to care for us in physical ways as well. With each of our two children being born our brothers and sisters at church overwelmed us with encouragement, meals, support and prayers. Now that I've been diagnosed with cancer, our brothers and sisters have done even more to support us in ways that I would not even been able to think to ask for. Praise God for the church - our family!

3) Life is better lived in the right perspective - The thought of dying changed my perspective on life pretty quickly. A couple of weeks ago I would have spent plenty of time thinking about menial concerns like what what my next job should be, or what our next house should be like, or what car would make my commute easier. Those things can be important, but there is much more to live for than these things, right? If I were to zip forward in time to the day I die (whenever that may be) and look back on my life I want to say that I did everything I could to magnify God on this earth. I don't want to say, "I wasted my life...but at least I got that car, or that house, or that job...". I mean, right now have two kids and a wife to live for. My focus needs to be on them, and the people around me that I can have an influence on. I'll journal more on this subject as I learn more along the bumpy road ahead.

Staging

ANDREW WRITES:

Wednesday 1/24/07 to Friday 1/26/07

Wednesday felt like one of the longest days of my life. I started the morning a little late because I was restlessly rolling around during the night. In addition to the pains in my ear and on my tongue, I could also feel a 1.5 inch long hard lump where my neck meets the skull below my chin. I was certain that the CT scan that I had the day before was going to show all sorts of cancerous stuff in my neck. So I braced myself for the worst. It was just so hard to know that you have cancer and feel all these pains in your head and neck, but not know how if it is treatable (see previous journal entry below). I'm so so thankful for my wonderful wife's encouragement the first 5 days, her strength and ecouragement really helped me get through that moment by moment battle.

Around noon our friends, Dave and Gale Light, arrived so we could go to our first appointment with a head and neck surgeon. Gale stayed back to watch the kids, and Dave joined us as another set of eyes and ears. On the way down to the Swedish Medical center in Seattle I was feeling very nervous.

When we finally got to talk to the surgeon, Dr. David Moore, he told me that the CT scan came back clean with no visible tumors in my neck. So he reached into my mouth and after causing me great pains said that the tumor was greater than 2cm, probably a stage 2 tumor. He also told me that a lot of the swelling in my gums and the pain in my ear was probably the tumor pressing on nerves and messing things up in my mouth, but they were not cancer. This was good news. He said he recommends surgical removal of the tumor and some some lymph nodes in my neck as well as radiation treatment, but he would know more the following week when he can put me to sleep and get a better look at it.

On Friday we met with Dr. Neal Futran at the UW Medical Center for a second opinion. Dr. Futran told me very similar things to Dr. Moore, but he recommended that I not have radiation treatment unless I really need to because I'm so young. Since you can only radiate a part of the human body once, I might as well save that card for later in life if this thing ever comes back. Another great peice of news was that the 1.5 inch long lump below my chin was probably not a tumor, but a swollen saliva gland near the tumor. Whew! What a relief that was to hear...

So, to summarize, we now have 2 opinions on treatment. Both of them say the tumor is a stage 2, and will require surgical removal. So thats the plan for now. I'm still planning in researching radiation treatment in case it is needed. Dr. Moore was concerned that there might be something else wrong with me since it is so rare for a 25 year old to get this type of cancer. So we scheduled a full body PET scan next week to see if there is cancer in any other area of my body. I hope that is not the case.

I'll keep you all posted, but praise the Lord for answering the following specific prayers this week:
1) We prayed that the cancer would not spread, and it does not seem to have done so.
2) We prayed for appointments this week with a head and neck surgeon. Even through both doctors didn't have space in their calendars, something miraculously opened up and I was able to get into both of the appointment books this week!
3) We prayed that I would be encouraged through this difficulty, and I was greatly encouraged this week. God truly met with me this week during my weakest moments, and in those moments I was able to find great joy in knowing my Lord and depending on Him for the strength to make it through the day. I'm so thankful that my greatest sickness, the sickness of sin is already taken care of by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I was also greatly encouraged by my wife, parents, family and friends who all called and emailed me this week.
4) We prayed that the insurance would pay for a full body PET scan, and they did.

Things to pray for:
1) Wisdom to choose between two good surgeons
2) That the cancer would not spread and would be completely removed surgically so that I won't need radiation treatment.
3) Continued encouragement and strength for the whole family.
4) That if there is something else wrong with me, the doctors would figure that out.

Sideswiped by the News of Cancer

Andrew writes:

Tuesday 1/23/07
It have been 4 days since I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in the base of the tongue. I first found out on Friday night, and it didn’t quite hit me until Saturday. It has been a rollercoaster ride since then. A battle for the mind to think on what is true. When I read about the possibility of spreading to lymph nodes, the complex surgery, the radiation treatment on your mouth, not being able to eat, or talk…blah blah blah…it didn’t take long to depress me.

Sunday was a little better. At least I was still alive. And I sure have a lot to live for.

On Monday morning I read Don’t Waste your Cancer by John Piper and that really helped me. If you are reading this, I urge you to please read the article by John Piper. I don’t want to waste this pain.
By Monday night I decided I was going to fight this thing. It really helped when my brother-in-law, Bob, talked to me and told me to just focus on today. God has only provided the grace to make it through today, not tomorrow. God has not provided the grace to carry the burden of billions and billions of combinations of things that could happen tomorrow. Only God can handle that burden. So I need to focus on what’s true today. So I went to the gym, and I was encouraged to realize that the rest of my body still feels young.

On Tuesday I started the day discouraged again. I woke up worrying about the many possibilities and dreading the pain of major surgery to my mouth, throat and neck. All I had to do was make it through today. In fact, I just had to make it through the next 15 minutes. Below are just a few ways that the Lord has been gracious to me today:

1) I read John 18 this morning about the chief priests coming to arrest Jesus on the night of His betrayal. After Peter cut off the ear of the chief priest’s servant, Jesus said, “Put your sword away, shall I not drink the cup My Father has given me?”. Jesus drank the cup of crucifixion for my sake. Shall I not drink this cup (of cancer) that the father has given me?
2) My wife has continually encouraged me throughout the day and helped me to think on what is true. I’m so impressed with how she has been so strong through this and is working so hard to support me. I see God purifying both of us in this.
3) The Otolaryngologist I was referred to (Dr. Futran) was initially not able to get me in for an appointment this week. Then after being persistent, I was able to get an appointment for Friday! In addition, a second option for surgeons came up because somebody that used to go to our church had the same type of cancer in stage 4 and survived. He told me how great his surgeon (Dr. Moore) was, and recommended that I go to him. So I’ll be able to get appointments for 2 opinions this week! One at the University of Washington and the other at Swedish Medical Center, both of which are well respected cancer centers.
4) I was able to get a short notice appointment for a CT scan of my neck today so I can bring the images to the Dr. Moore on Wednesday.
5) I talked to two cancer survivors today, Charlie and Dave. Charlie is the guy that referred me to his surgeon, and it was encouraging to know that he went through the pain and recovery process, and is now doing just fine. Dave was also treated for cancer at Swedish Medical center and seems to be doing just fine now.

A Typical Day with Two Little Ones

This is what a typical day is like for us.

I try to wake up around 6:30 or 7:00. If there is time and Andrew hasn't already left for work, we might try to squeeze in a quick breakfast together. Then I have my time alone with the Lord and nurse the baby. Afterwards, I take a shower.

A.J. wakes at 8:30 or so. I change his diaper and bring him to the kitchen to give him his breakfast and give Gracie her cereal (she just started eating solids a few weeks ago). It takes a long time usually for A.J. to eat his breakfast.

Around 9:30 or 10:00 is when I read to the children and play with them. We might have a snack.

At 11:00 A.J. has time to play alone so that he can work on his focusing skills. He's doing really really well with that. It's taken awhile, but he's really got the hang of it now. I choose a basketful of toys to play with and some of the books I've been reading to them for him to look at. You should see when I read to him Erik Carle's From Head to Toe. Each page, there's an animal that does a different thing. So for the first page, a seal turns his head. The second page a giraffe bends its neck. If you turn the pages for A.J. and read it fast, A.J. will shake his head, then nod, then shrug his shoulders, then wave his arms, then shake his hips. It's the funniest thing!

While A.J. has alone play time for forty-five minutes, I bring Gracie down to the living room where she plays quietly on a play mat in front of me. It's her version of alone time, where she doesn't see me behind her but I can see her. Then, I let her play either in her little car or with other toys, but she can see me. She smiles and stares at me. During this forty-five minutes, I get to write.

If we need to go to Costco or run an errand, I usually will take them after "alone play time," and just bring lunch with us.

At noon, we have lunch either outside if it's a beautiful sunny day (need to make the most of those here) or in the dining room. I nurse the baby again and feed her her cereal. After lunch, we might play outside or in their room.

At 2pm, the children take a two-hour nap. This is when I try to throw in a load of laundry and catch up on housework and take my lunch break. I already ate lunch somehow amidst helping A.J. with his lunch and feeding the baby, but it was by no means a break. I recently stopped giving myself a break and just tried to catch up on my never ending list of to-do's and cleaning, but after a few weeks, my body felt like it was breaking apart into little pieces, and one afternoon, Andrew had to send me away to take a break, upon which I fell onto the bed and wasn't sure if I had enough energy to take another breath. I suppose skipping my "lunch break" for several weeks caught up eventually.

At 4:00, the children wake up. I nurse Gracie in A.J.'s room, while he plays. Then I feed her her cereal. We go downstairs where the kids can play and I can fold laundry. Then, I might take them for a walk.

I prepare dinner, while A.J. might color, while sitting at his little table in the dining room, or I'll put him in his high chair next to me with some toys so he can watch me.

At 6pm we eat all together as a family.

Whenever we finish dinner, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen.

The evening are like this: on Mondays, we have a prayer meeting at our house at 7 p.m. People usually leave around 9. Every other Tuesday night is date night, and we have a babysitter for the kids. Every other Thursday, a couple we meet with comes over. Friday night is Bible study, Saturday is family day, and Sunday night we have evening service. In the midst of that, I feed the baby. If no one is over and we are home, Andrew plays with the kids while I clean up. He usually is the one who gets them ready for bed. The children go down for the night at 8:30 p.m. or so.

By the time people leave our house or we get home, it is past 9 or 10pm. If there's time, I try to straighten up the house. I shoot for 10:30 and when I get the chance, I collapse on the bed and go to sleep.

Basically, in the midst of taking care of the children's basic needs and all the chores, the real point of the whole day is training up the children in the nurture and discipline of the Lord. This is why I am at home with them. We really believe raising our children is such a weighty thing in this life. For instance, by the time a child is 5 years old, his personality is pretty much set for life. Emotional stability, an adult's vocabulary potential, and total muscle control are all established before age four or younger. Few impact a person more than their parents, whether for good or for bad; whether we give them the love and nurture they need or neglect them.

We study the Bible, read lots and lots of books, get lots of advice from godly people whose children bear the fruit of their parents' efforts, and listen to sermons on parenting to equip us for this overwhelming responsibility.

My greatest passion and desire for my children is to know and love the Lord with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength; and to not waste their lives but to live it all for His glory. This is my continual and constant prayer for them, as I ask the Lord to bless my efforts, to make the water into wine.

All day long is training opportunity. Right now, we are laying the foundation. So, for A.J., we are always trying to teach him to obey our authority and have self-control. This is totally counter to what society preaches, which has such low expectations for the abilities of children. Self-control is the basic necessity that they will need in every area of life for the rest of their lives. It won't matter if they are the most talented people in the world if they have no self-control to apply themselves. Additionally, we do not want our children to be an excuse for not being able to minister to others. We want to be able to carry on conversations with people without being continually interrupted and distracted. Our desire is for our children to be a blessing to others. This is the process we are currently in. And I always need prayer to be consistent with them, which is a struggle for me.

I also need to take care of them physically. Feeding them takes a large part of the day. Currently, I am reading a book a friend gave me about how to feed my children healthy foods, such as whole grains, organic foods, lots of fruit and vegetables, nuts, etc. My children are forcing me to learn how to eat more healthy.

My next priority is helping them develop intellectually. I try to read to them everyday, play classical music, and give them toys that will help their coordination, creativity, and teach them to recognize shapes, colors, and letters. I feel that as their mother it is my responsibility to help them become the most enhanced versions of what God has created them to be. I want them to be all that God has called them to be and glorify Him with every ability and personality trait that He has given them.

Amidst all of this, it's so important to us to bathe all of this training in love, affection, and encouragement, lest we crush their delicate fruit.

Everyday I beg the Lord for His help and wisdom to be able honor Him with this. This will only be by a miracle of God in their hearts, but at the same time, God works through means. And He has not given us commands ("Train up a child in the way He should go," among many others) that He cannot give us the grace and the wisdom how to obey. In fact, He promises to provide it it if we ask.

My old college pastor, Rick Holland, used to say: "You guys think you're busy now? You don't have a clue what busy is until you have a family and children." He was not kidding (and all the parents out there know exactly what I'm talking about). I would say that as long as 3 days took to pass pre-kids is about how long 6 months feels post-kids. So it feels like it's only been 6 days when a year has passed. Once recently, Andrew said to me, "The baby is like four or five weeks old, right?" She was six months old. If I hadn't been calculating her age a few days earilier, I might have asked him the same thing.

Though it's an overwhelming task and very busy, I love being a mom! I love the challenge, I love the privilege of this responsibility, and I love the opportunity that God has given me to serve Him through this. Additionally, the Lord uses parenting to break me of all my pride and selfishness. Though I often complain in the midst of that, I am always so grateful in retrospect. And most of all, these children are the funnest things in the whole world! They bring joy, constant laughter, and sweetness to our lives. Please do pray for us!

Bathroom Birth - All of Grace

By You I have been sustained from my birth;

You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.
My praise shall be continually of You.

Psalm 71:6

My birthing story was not supposed to be a bathroom story.

This was how my blog was supposed to begin, at least according to what had been floating through my mind the past several months:

I had never known what a midwife was before I moved to Washington. The most I could recall was that they had something to do with the Dark Ages. I had this vague picture of ladies dancing around a large black caldron in the forest...

Then I would continue that when we moved here, I quickly learned that as an alternative to a doctor, a midwife was actually a woman who was trained to deliver babies and could be quite skillful; and, that midwives still existed today and were well-respected. Several of my friends delivered their babies with Charlotte, who they all adored and and swore by. In fact, it often seemed that every time I met a woman, Charlotte was her midwife. And rather than the traumatic, nightmarish experience I had always heard birthing portrayed as, they described one in which childbirth was supposed to be a wonderful celebration, which a woman's body was designed to do. Though A.J. was born in a hospital, I chose to go with Charlotte for my second pregnancy. I was so eager to write about her, so that from my own experience I could attest to her giftedness and the amazing birth we had.

Well, the closest I ever got to Charlotte during our second baby's birth was when my cell phone dropped to the ground beside me and fizzled out in my blood, cutting Charlotte off the line.


It is 5:58 in the morning, March 27th 2006, and you are Charlotte answering your cell phone:

Charlotte: Special Delivery?
Grace: (calmly) Hi, Charlotte. This is Grace Mark. I think my water may have just broken. And I'm feeling - hold - on --
Soft thump as if cell phone drops to a carpet. Then, in the background, Grace screaming: Andreeeeeeeeeeew!!!
A moment.
Andrew: (calmly) Hi, Charlotte. This is Andrew...
In the background, Grace screams an excruciating wail calling out to God, shouting pleas to Him.
Silence.
Andrew: (breathing as if walking, speaking a little faster but still calmly) Um, I think Grace is going into labor.
Charlotte: (Furrows eyebrows straining her ears to get an idea of where Grace is in her labor) Okay, now can you make it to the Everett birthing center?
Andrew: Um --
Grace: (full blast) IT'S COMIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!
Half-second of silence.
Andrew: Oh my gosh it did come!
Hollow thump as if cell phone hits tile floor. Silence.

Charlotte stares wide-eyed at her phone, then looks to her assistant, who is flurrying around the room grabbing her keys and bags. She looks at the clock. It is 6:03 a.m. A woman who has been in labor for the past 48 hours is laying on her bed in the background.
Charlotte: (eyebrows furrowed) They're going to call us back, right? We still need directions.


When's the Baby Coming?

Labor with our first child, A.J. awakened me in the morning with contractions that were unmistakably two-and-a-half minutes apart. As the hours wore on, and the pain increased, I wasn't sure how much longer I could endure. By the fifth hour, I stopped progressing and the doctor had to break my water for me. From being awakened by my contractions to giving birth, it was about six hours. He arrived a few days within his due date.

This time, the night before I gave birth, I had insomnia, not uncommon during my pregnancies from the second trimester on. I was feeling some sensations in my lower abdomen, but I've had stomachaches that were worse. I started to time the sensations, but they didn't seem regular. I sat down with my What to Expect When You're Expecting book and began to read the section on "How to Know When You're in Labor" repeatedly. Everything that pertained to me said that true labor could be a month away or an hour away. With A.J., I was having false labor a month in advance and was walking around at 5 1/2 centimeters (you want to get to 10 cm.) for a week-and-a-half. Since none of what I was feeling coincided with my labor with A.J., and the book was shedding no new light, at 3:30 a.m. I decided to take it's advice to go to sleep. Anyway, the baby wasn't even due for another three weeks. Don't worry, the book assured me, if you're truly in labor you won't sleep through it.

5:30 a.m. I hear the shrill cry of Andrew's alarm clock. My heavy eyelids creep open, allowing in only a sliver of dawn light. I am dozing and waiting to hear Andrew stir, so I can ask him if maybe he'll stay home from work today. I have a feeling the baby might come. I try to speak, but the heavy weight of sleep seals my throat silent. Helpless, I pray that God will thwart Andrew from leaving if I am right. Dozing. Again, the sliver of grey, morning light. A few feet away, the kind of heat that emanates from someone deep in sleep floats towards me--my love has not deserted me for work yet. Suddenly I hear - and feel - a "pop." A gush of liquid. Uh-oh, I think. That fits the description of what my mother-in-law said happened when her water broke (course she still had 13 hours to go of labor).

Suddenly, I am screaming. I'm not sure why I'm screaming. Am I in pain? Am I just panicking? Confused?

Then, just as suddenly, I stop screaming.

I get up from our bed and amble to the bathroom. I call for Andrew.

I start screaming. Andrew comes into the bathroom. I ask him to pray for me. The screaming stops.

I dial my midwife on my cell phone. "Hi, Charlotte. Um, I think my water broke."

I return to our bedroom. "Hold - on -- " I drop my cell phone onto the carpet and stride into the hallway shouting at the top of my lungs. I walk into the hall bathroom, place my palms onto the counter, lean on it, and cry out to God. "OH LOOOOOOORRRRRRRD!!! I CRY OUT TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!!! PLEEEEEESE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't know what's going on. My screaming seems involuntary and is so intense I'm not sure if I am in pain or just confused. Perhaps the pain is so profound it is like sticking your hand under water so frigid that for a moment you're not sure if it's scalding or freezing. If you had asked me then if I was in pain, I probably would have told you I didn't know. Suddenly, I feel the urge to push. Oh, I better not push, I think. The book said if you feel the urge to push, don't, because a baby might come.

Then, just as quickly as it had started, in a moment, perfect calm.

No pain at all.

I'm talking to God out loud. Suddenly it starts again. Unlike a normal contraction in which one can describe how it feels and where, this just feels like my entire body is about to explode all over the flesh-colored tiles of the shower and walls. "ANDREEEEEEEEEEEW!" I scream.

It is as if my body has cracked wide open with three massive contractions.

Andrew is in the bathroom with me now. I am facing him. "Okay, Grace. Okay," he puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eye. Relaying what Charlotte is saying, he says, "Now just breathe." For a moment, I think I'm wrong. Perhaps I am just in the breathing-through-my-contractions stage of labor that Andrew apparently thinks I'm in. I blow air out of my mouth: Puh puh puh like the nurse had instructed during A.J.'s birth, trying to delay me while the doctor sat down to prepare to catch A.J.. Eyes wide open, I'm trying to focus on Andrew's large eyes. But the urge to push is like a locomotive speeding down the tracks. I realize, there is no way I can "puh puh puh" twenty minutes or more until my midwife arrives.

Then, for the first time this entire experience, I recognize a feeling that is similar to labor with A.J. -- the baby's head pushing to slide down. I realize Andrew does not understand what is really happening. I feel an enormous urge to push. "IT'S COMIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

It is as if I can see what is happening in my birth canal. First the head, then the arms, then the legs bent at the knees. The baby shoots through me like a massive bullet.

It happens so fast that what I had anticipated to be the most excruciating part--hadn't even hurt. "Oh my gosh it did come!" Andrew drops my cell phone onto the floor and picks the baby up. By God's grace, he remembers what he had seen the doctor do at A.J.'s birth (and a Rescue 9-1-1 episode from his childhood), and begins to lightly tap the baby on the back and clear her mouth of any fluid. He delicately helps her open her mouth to get the baby (gender still unknown) to take her first breath.

From awakening to birth, probably no more than 15 minutes has transpired.


Lying on the Floor

Charlotte tells Andrew on the phone to have me lay down on the floor. Now, after you give birth, your body starts pumping adrenaline. So, I am thinking clearly at this point: Okay, Grace. Now you have to stay alive and the baby has to stay alive, so stay focused, and no matter what happens, don't pass out, and make sure the baby doesn't start turning blue.

Andrew is not one to panic, but once the baby starts breathing, he stares quietly at the wall. He gently pats baby's back, occasionally looks at baby, but mostly just stares at the wall. Maybe he is in shock. So, in check-off list fashion, I tell Andrew what to do:

Call Charlotte back to give her directions. There's blood on the floor. Tell Charlotte there's blood on the floor.

She says to call 9-1-1.

Andrew leaves the bathroom to grab the landline in the kitchen and dials 9-1-1, while Charlotte is on his cell phone.

My legs are convulsing. Tell her my legs are convulsing.

She says it's because of the adrenaline.

I'm cold I'm cold I'm cold. I'm soooo cold. Blankets. Blankets. Blankets. I need blankets.

He covers me with a blanket while he is giving directions to Charlotte. He wraps the baby in a towel and places her on my chest.

I'm cold. I need blankets.

Another blanket.

I'm cold.

Another blanket.

I'm cold.

A space heater and a blanket.

Finally: "Where's the ambulance?" I ask.

Twenty minutes from the call, the ambulance finally arrives. We later find out all emergency workers have just left to put out a house fire. EMTs from the next town, ten minutes away, have to come instead.

I had pictured giving birth at my midwife's birthing center in a jacuzzi birthing tub surrounded by women. It was supposed to happen at night and candles would be lit all over the room. Plop, the baby would come out and the warm water and my midwife's coaching might make me feel no pain. Afterwards, I would make my way across a few feet of hardwood floor and lay down on a king-sized bed. Things had gone as I had pictured it my first birth. I thought, other than the painless part, everything else might come true.

Well, rather than women, I am surrounded by big EMT guys who look like they would be more comfortable at a fire. Rather than a king-sized bed, I am laying in my blood on a cold, tile bathroom floor.

My midwife's assistant, April, arrives just after the ambulance. She helps me deliver my placenta (a half hour has already passed and I am running the risk of getting an infection if I don't deliver it soon) and stays with me in the hospital until the doctor is done working on the baby and me.

I am so incredibly thankful Andrew was there when this happened. Normally, he would have slipped out as early as 5:15 a.m. without waking me. But by God's grace, he overslept. I am so thankful that nothing can thwart the will of God. I don't like to even imagine what I would have done if he hadn't been there or if something else had gone wrong. There is God's sovereign plan and only God's sovereign plan. It can go no other way - Praise God.

While all of the surrounding circumstances went wrong - an unexpected birth, a late ambulance, and a midwife in the middle of delivering another baby (which almost never happens. After a 48-hour labor that baby was born an hour after mine), the Lord allowed our precious Grace Olivia and me to be perfectly healthy.

God was so gracious to us also in how our church was such a comfort to us. As soon as they heard what happened, a bunch of people came over, cleaned our bathroom and our whole place, decorating our room with our first baby girl things, trying to make our home as warm and welcoming as possible for our return. A constant flow of visitors kept us company in the hospital. And since the baby came sooner than expected, they sent meals daily to our home the three weeks until my mother was scheduled to come.


Olive Grace
Originally, we had chosen "Madeleine" if it was a girl (my favorite childhood author was Madeleine L'Engle). We had discussed naming her Grace, since my mother's name is also Grace and I wanted to pass on the tradition, but had decided to wait until the next daughter.

When this happened, however, I wanted her name always to remind us of how kind the Lord had been to us. "Grace" is a gift of God, though we deserve the opposite. I wanted to constantly be reminded of how God's grace had brought her into this world and kept her alive. I also wanted to remember that even though it wasn't what I had wanted, it was God's grace that I didn't have enough time to get to the birthing center. God's grace had caused Andrew to oversleep and allowed her to be born safely; He was fully capable of allowing me to know I was in labor sooner, but this was His better plan.

A.J. and O.J. ("Olive Juice")
I wanted her name to mean something like, "Grace All-sufficient," or "grace abundant." At the hospital, we were listening to a song by a friend of ours called It’s All of Grace (Click to listen)>. In all seriousness, I said to Andrew, "We could name her Olive Grace. Get it? Ol-ive Grace!" I relayed the story to my sister, Gayle, the next day and said my hormones must have been doing crazy things because that was like a bad knock-knock joke. (Like "Orange. Orange-you glad I didn't say banana?") Then Gayle said she always liked the name Olive, because an olive is a symbol of abundance and plenty. She then read me Psalm 128, which included: "...your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD. (Psalm 128:3-4). So, All-of Grace, or Olive Grace meant exactly what I was going for - both ways! Andrew then suggested the name Olivia. We settled upon Grace Olivia Mark as her full name.

Andrew calls her "Gracie" and I call her "Olivia." It took a few months before we settled on A.J.'s nickname afterall. We figure Olivia's nickname will also just come.

We went to California!

So, our new baby is due to arrive within the next few weeks. The official due date is April 9th, but I think it's earlier. They used to say the due date was in late March, but when the baby was small in the ultrasound, they pushed it to April 9th. I just think the baby is probably little.

Sometimes, we like to just jump in the car and see where it takes us. Well, when it took us to Seattle a few weekends ago, we thought: "We should go to Northern California." Both of us were craving the sunshine, food, the feel of home. After considering it for a moment, we realized we probably couldn't just take off right then. So we waited two weeks, and the three of us drove the 12 hours down to NorCal the first weekend in March. Since I was so pregnant, we thought we'd have to stop a lot and it would take us longer to get there, but we did it in one shot and arrived Thursday night. We drove back Sunday but got stuck in Redding till Monday morning, because the 5 closed on the pass through the mountains, which is extremely unusual, due to the snow.

We visted my brothers and their families and had lunch with Jaime Kong.

While we were in California, my 3 and 5 year-old nieces held A.J.'s hand and helped him to walk all over their house. By the end of the weekend, he was full blown walking all by himself. He's a big boy now.

It was great to see my brothers and their families. Both their wives are pregnant also, though my brothers are 14 and 15 years older than me. One of their babies is due right about now.

I love the sun, all the different kinds of food that are so accessible, and all the different kinds of people and cultures there are in California. It's such a stimulating place. My brothers have lived there since I was a kid and I have been visiting them for so long, that California seems almost as much home to me as New Jersey is. I love how the two places are so extremely different though, almost like different countries. We also got to get some really good boba with Jaime Kong. I'm not sure the trip would have felt complete if we hadn't. Andrew had to wait in line for it for a half hour, but it was worth it.

This pregnancy has turned out to be much better than the last pregnancy. (Thank goodness!) But since we've been back from California, I've been feeling extremely tired. Prior to that, I was feeling so good, I didn't feel in a hurry to go through the birthing process. But I am so uncomfortable nowadays, I am ready. I am so excited for the baby to come. I can't wait!

A.J. after a Year

This month marked A.J.'s one year birthday. I thought I would share some of the joys of having him.

AJ at 3 minutes old
- I love holding him in my arms on the chair in his room while he drinks his milk after he wakes up.
- I love when he come to me, rests his head on my shoulder or my lap, then inserts his thumb into his mouth.
- I love hugs from him.
- He's so sweet when he eats and is so hungry. He sits there quietly as he shovels the food into his mouth and stares ahead as he concentrates on chewing it.
- I love training him, watching him grow and make progress, seeing his little victories, keeping track of them, and rejoicing with him as he grows in independence. Like when he first fed himself with a spoon. He would look up at us, his eyes wide, his lips turned up, and mouth open, waiting for us to say: "Yay, A.J.! You did it! That's right! You did it!"
- He's so fun and energetic. He smiles all the time and laughs these great belly laughs.
- Seeing the fruit of training when he eventually obeys, just when it seems like it's never going to happen and I feel just about ready to give up.
- Seeing how he can understand when we talk to him.
- Reading to him and showing him the world, especially when he finds the book appealing, like The Hungry Caterpiller. After reading to him daily for a year and him being mostly indifferent, he's finally beginning to seem really intersted in books (other than just The Hungry Caterpiller). Just this week, he even started picking them up himself and looking through them as he sits on the floor. It's so cute. Or you should see him stick his neck out and try to look at the Bible I'm reading him while I'm sitting across from him and he's in his high chair.

We are so thankful to the Lord for giving us precious A.J. We are overwhelmed by His undeserved goodness to us.

AJ's first birthday